Thought of the Day:

If you have to go out of the way to request respect, there is a very good chance you are missing the point altogether.

Somethings in life make no sense.

Faith.
Hope.
Love.

To just name a few.

And despite my best efforts to flee...Love comes dragging me back.
Cropping up in some of the most unexpected places.

Impracticable Absurdism

1.Impracticable - The doctrine of "impracticability", in the common law of contracts, excuses performance of a duty, where that duty has become unfeasibly difficult or expensive for the party who was to perform.


2.Absurdism - In philosophy , "The Absurd" refers to the conflict between the human tendency to seek value and meaning in life and the human inability to find any. In this context absurd does not mean "logically impossible," but rather "humanly impossible." The universe and the human mind do not each separately cause the Absurd, but rather, the Absurd arises by the contradictory nature of the two existing simultaneously.

"Simplicity is not a curse where strength is humbled and the powerless rise (and the powerless rise).
This is a kingdom born upside-down.
This is a kingdom where the broken are crowned.

Wait here for death. Wait here for death.
The "blessings" of excess are only a burden on us.

It is a broken system where we just wait for death.
It is a broken system where suffering can never end.

Simplicity is not a curse where strength is humbled and the powerless rise (and the powerless rise).
This is a kingdom born upside-down.
This is a kingdom where the broken are crowned... (the broken are crowned).

If helplessness is our system then we're better off upside-down."

Note to self: While having the moral high ground is good...in actuality, keeping it requires staying on the moral high ground.

Little less bitterness might go a long way...or at least somewhere...

Running, running.
Fleeing to what end?
Seeking to find what life?
Such silly and well meaning naivety.

All the choices of life
and the consequences of pain
mixed with be and being.

Why is it so easy to be so dismissive and cynical about all humans...?

Yeah...

People.

So...sad.

Meh.

...words.

I am far too efficient at changing flat tires.
Damaged the spokes by making them too tight.
I actually bent steel by hand.

Believe me my body feels the pain from the effort...

I suppose that shouldn't be anywhere as funny as I simply find it to be...

"October" - U2

"Dust to dust,
Ashes in your hair remind me
What it feels like
And I won't feel again
Night descends
Could I have been a better person
If I could only do it all again

And the sky is filled with light
Can you see it?
All the black is really white
If you believe it
And the longing that you feel
You know none of this is real
You will find a better a place
In this twilight"

Nothing clever.
Nothing worth saying.
Just blind hope wanting to see.
Just some blind hope needing to see.

"And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'll give anything
I'll give anything"

Redundancies

Such a strange mix of angst, fear, anxiety, depression, anticipation, self centered me-ism...circling, circling and just falling back into this weird mixture of life I have been falling into.

I keep getting these snatches of memory...of a child.
It couldn't have been me.
There was no fear.
Excitement.
Willing and wanting to talk.
Unreserved joy and wide eye wonder at the world.

None of The Darkness that has slinked into so much of my daily life.
Feeling those tendrils drift in and start choking the life from me.

Non-stop flashing of instants gone by.
Days, months, years, decades...time before I was.
All mixing.
Interchanging and making less sense by the day.


I have no hope in humans.
This ego of mine wishes I could be completely separated from this taint.
The weakness, the frailty and the disgusting mess of being flesh.
It is so hard to let go at all.
To stop worrying about the pain.
All the surgical scars and self sabotaging.

I want to run.
But the fool I am will not let me.
So I am stuck halfway.
Too tired to move forward but unable to return.

There is Truth beyond Truth.
Reality beyond myself.
A world waiting to be seen, touch, tasted, heard and felt.
Ultimate Reality that takes this dirty flesh and give meaning.
Nurture to my burning and parched soul.

I want to be alone.
But no one can hide from You.
I can lay in this misery and cry for rocks to hide me
but none can escape Your impossible love.
So much so that we pray for wrath
just to avoid the pain of change.

Blessed hope and redemption.

"Am I not living up to what I'm supposed to be?
Why am I seething with this animosity?"

Psalm 26

"I wash my hands to declare my innocence.
I come to your altar, O Lord,
singing a song of thanksgiving
and telling of all your wonders.
I love your sanctuary, Lord,
the place where your glorious presence dwells."
-Psalm 26: 6-8

Divine comedy.

"Oh
There's a hole inside my boat
And I need stay afloat
For the summer
Long

Oh
I've got something in my throat
I need to be alone
While I suffer"

Psalm 20

"In times of trouble, may the Lord answer your cry.
May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm.
May he send you help from his sanctuary
and strengthen you from Jerusalem."
-Psalm 20:1-2

"Wish there was something real wish there was something true,
wish there was something real in this world full of you.

I want to but I can't turn back,
but I want to."

Some things are so absolutely funny that they are not even remotely humorous at all.

Psalm 18

"I love you, Lord;
you are my strength.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the power that saves me,
and my place of safety.
I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
and he saved me from my enemies.

The ropes of death entangled me;
floods of destruction swept over me.
The grave wrapped its ropes around me;
death laid a trap in my path.
But in my distress I cried out to the Lord;
yes, I prayed to my God for help.
He heard me from his sanctuary;
my cry to him reached his ears."

-Psalm 18:1-6

Words are lacking.
Severally lacking.
What words can I offer,
in a spinning chaos
and pain
that keeps punctuating

But hope,
however distant
is breathing and living.

Pressing out of this precipice,
into Light, Life and Hope.

Psalm 15

"Who may worship in your sanctuary, Lord?
Who may enter your presence on your holy hill?
Those who lead blameless lives and do what is right,
speaking the truth from sincere hearts.
Those who refuse to gossip
or harm their neighbors
or speak evil of their friends.
Those who despise flagrant sinners,
and honor the faithful followers of the Lord,
and keep their promises even when it hurts.
Those who lend money without charging interest,
and who cannot be bribed to lie about the innocent.
Such people will stand firm forever."
-Psalm 15:1-5

Bleary eyed, I'm looking across this room...this life and things keep flittering in and out of focus.

Why?
How?
When?

It feels as though I can look in any and every direction...and feel such uncertainty.

How did I get here?
The floating?
Was it flying?
Falling down holes and slipping until I made the length of life?

So much of me wants to find a place to run and hide to.
Wouldn't that be so wonderful?
Give in and just find somewhere to escape?
Or have I been running?
How long?
Where am I?

** ** ** **

"i forget the me that i must have been before the me that i am now
i remember a year that i got through, but i don't remember how

there's something like a nothingness that's terribly illusive
the more i want to shut me down the more i am abusive
and when i watch the slideshow of the bits of me I'm dragging
i don't recognize the photographs, I'm not sure when (and if) they happened

the devil lives in the crossing place between two mountains in the desert
for 40 days he promised me his kingdom for forever
but I'm not sure I'm fit to run a kingdom of any kind
every time i know myself, i leave what i know behind"

** ** ** **

There is this sacredness, this Heart, the Love, the insanity of Jesus' Love for his Bride...this impossible, this fear, this beauty, the wonder, the awesomeness, the overwhelming grace...

You have sought after, found and chased me...refusing to give up and let me be lost.

Saying thank you feels like such empty and trite words.

There is passion, love and so many things...but who am I?

You can look and see who I am.

Who I am not.

Who I will never be.

And find love.
Grace enough for me.
Things hurt.
They are scary.
There is hope.
Even in the pain and fear of uncertainty.

Despite the fear and pain, I know things do matter.
Can You help me continue to slowly change, clean and be made new?
I don't want pretension and fear to guide me...but grace.
Thanks...for so much, so long, so much grace.