Note to self: While having the moral high ground is good...in actuality, keeping it requires staying on the moral high ground.

Little less bitterness might go a long way...or at least somewhere...

Running, running.
Fleeing to what end?
Seeking to find what life?
Such silly and well meaning naivety.

All the choices of life
and the consequences of pain
mixed with be and being.

Why is it so easy to be so dismissive and cynical about all humans...?

Yeah...

People.

So...sad.

Meh.

...words.

I am far too efficient at changing flat tires.
Damaged the spokes by making them too tight.
I actually bent steel by hand.

Believe me my body feels the pain from the effort...

I suppose that shouldn't be anywhere as funny as I simply find it to be...

"October" - U2

"Dust to dust,
Ashes in your hair remind me
What it feels like
And I won't feel again
Night descends
Could I have been a better person
If I could only do it all again

And the sky is filled with light
Can you see it?
All the black is really white
If you believe it
And the longing that you feel
You know none of this is real
You will find a better a place
In this twilight"

Nothing clever.
Nothing worth saying.
Just blind hope wanting to see.
Just some blind hope needing to see.

"And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'll give anything
I'll give anything"

Redundancies

Such a strange mix of angst, fear, anxiety, depression, anticipation, self centered me-ism...circling, circling and just falling back into this weird mixture of life I have been falling into.

I keep getting these snatches of memory...of a child.
It couldn't have been me.
There was no fear.
Excitement.
Willing and wanting to talk.
Unreserved joy and wide eye wonder at the world.

None of The Darkness that has slinked into so much of my daily life.
Feeling those tendrils drift in and start choking the life from me.

Non-stop flashing of instants gone by.
Days, months, years, decades...time before I was.
All mixing.
Interchanging and making less sense by the day.


I have no hope in humans.
This ego of mine wishes I could be completely separated from this taint.
The weakness, the frailty and the disgusting mess of being flesh.
It is so hard to let go at all.
To stop worrying about the pain.
All the surgical scars and self sabotaging.

I want to run.
But the fool I am will not let me.
So I am stuck halfway.
Too tired to move forward but unable to return.

There is Truth beyond Truth.
Reality beyond myself.
A world waiting to be seen, touch, tasted, heard and felt.
Ultimate Reality that takes this dirty flesh and give meaning.
Nurture to my burning and parched soul.

I want to be alone.
But no one can hide from You.
I can lay in this misery and cry for rocks to hide me
but none can escape Your impossible love.
So much so that we pray for wrath
just to avoid the pain of change.

Blessed hope and redemption.

"Am I not living up to what I'm supposed to be?
Why am I seething with this animosity?"

Psalm 26

"I wash my hands to declare my innocence.
I come to your altar, O Lord,
singing a song of thanksgiving
and telling of all your wonders.
I love your sanctuary, Lord,
the place where your glorious presence dwells."
-Psalm 26: 6-8

Divine comedy.

"Oh
There's a hole inside my boat
And I need stay afloat
For the summer
Long

Oh
I've got something in my throat
I need to be alone
While I suffer"

Psalm 20

"In times of trouble, may the Lord answer your cry.
May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm.
May he send you help from his sanctuary
and strengthen you from Jerusalem."
-Psalm 20:1-2

"Wish there was something real wish there was something true,
wish there was something real in this world full of you.

I want to but I can't turn back,
but I want to."

Some things are so absolutely funny that they are not even remotely humorous at all.

Psalm 18

"I love you, Lord;
you are my strength.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the power that saves me,
and my place of safety.
I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
and he saved me from my enemies.

The ropes of death entangled me;
floods of destruction swept over me.
The grave wrapped its ropes around me;
death laid a trap in my path.
But in my distress I cried out to the Lord;
yes, I prayed to my God for help.
He heard me from his sanctuary;
my cry to him reached his ears."

-Psalm 18:1-6

Words are lacking.
Severally lacking.
What words can I offer,
in a spinning chaos
and pain
that keeps punctuating

But hope,
however distant
is breathing and living.

Pressing out of this precipice,
into Light, Life and Hope.

Psalm 15

"Who may worship in your sanctuary, Lord?
Who may enter your presence on your holy hill?
Those who lead blameless lives and do what is right,
speaking the truth from sincere hearts.
Those who refuse to gossip
or harm their neighbors
or speak evil of their friends.
Those who despise flagrant sinners,
and honor the faithful followers of the Lord,
and keep their promises even when it hurts.
Those who lend money without charging interest,
and who cannot be bribed to lie about the innocent.
Such people will stand firm forever."
-Psalm 15:1-5

Bleary eyed, I'm looking across this room...this life and things keep flittering in and out of focus.

Why?
How?
When?

It feels as though I can look in any and every direction...and feel such uncertainty.

How did I get here?
The floating?
Was it flying?
Falling down holes and slipping until I made the length of life?

So much of me wants to find a place to run and hide to.
Wouldn't that be so wonderful?
Give in and just find somewhere to escape?
Or have I been running?
How long?
Where am I?

** ** ** **

"i forget the me that i must have been before the me that i am now
i remember a year that i got through, but i don't remember how

there's something like a nothingness that's terribly illusive
the more i want to shut me down the more i am abusive
and when i watch the slideshow of the bits of me I'm dragging
i don't recognize the photographs, I'm not sure when (and if) they happened

the devil lives in the crossing place between two mountains in the desert
for 40 days he promised me his kingdom for forever
but I'm not sure I'm fit to run a kingdom of any kind
every time i know myself, i leave what i know behind"

** ** ** **

There is this sacredness, this Heart, the Love, the insanity of Jesus' Love for his Bride...this impossible, this fear, this beauty, the wonder, the awesomeness, the overwhelming grace...

You have sought after, found and chased me...refusing to give up and let me be lost.

Saying thank you feels like such empty and trite words.

There is passion, love and so many things...but who am I?

You can look and see who I am.

Who I am not.

Who I will never be.

And find love.
Grace enough for me.
Things hurt.
They are scary.
There is hope.
Even in the pain and fear of uncertainty.

Despite the fear and pain, I know things do matter.
Can You help me continue to slowly change, clean and be made new?
I don't want pretension and fear to guide me...but grace.
Thanks...for so much, so long, so much grace.

These words are feeling unusually cheap as of late...

"Schrodinger's Catechism"

Second Hand Poems

Battered and bruised,
life moves on.
In and out,
finding rhyme,
moving outside
before dancing in
as the strings are pulled taught
before being released
and breaking in the waves
crashing on the shore.

Words casting shadows
as life fills doubt
and passes on words,
full of solidarity
and yet still lacking.
Words praying and hope
even while the feelings
sigh and hope.

What words may I use?
As I stare into the ethereal
and glimpse the spark of life
burning bright in your eyes,
what must I use to express?

Words of hope
and songs of glee,
battered thoughts
and whispers of jubilee?

Words, words and words.
Frail, beautiful and depressing words.
Expressions of humanity
mixed with naive devotion,
the need to be more
and see beyond this world of broken flesh.

What more can I see?
What more shall I say?

Words vanishing
and swept away
as this morning's dew and fog.
Lights pierce and dissipate
just as with our silly little lives.
But hope still remains,
hope that these things are yet to be finished
and that Love wins.

Love will carry.
Love will create.
Love will break.
Love will make anew.

And we shall walk hand in hand,
through the echoes of eternity,
safe with Father
and eternal hope
that every new day
can in fact be so very new.

"Moment of Surrender" - U2

"We set ourselves on fire
Oh God, do not deny her
It's not if I believe in love
But if love believes in me
Oh, believe in me

At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

I've been in every black hole
At the altar of the dark star
My body's now a begging bowl
That's begging to get back
Begging to get back to my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control

I was punching in the numbers
At the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

One last time

I was speeding on the subway
Through the stations of the cross
Every eye looking every other way
Counting down till the pain will stop"