"Schrodinger's Catechism"

Second Hand Poems

Battered and bruised,
life moves on.
In and out,
finding rhyme,
moving outside
before dancing in
as the strings are pulled taught
before being released
and breaking in the waves
crashing on the shore.

Words casting shadows
as life fills doubt
and passes on words,
full of solidarity
and yet still lacking.
Words praying and hope
even while the feelings
sigh and hope.

What words may I use?
As I stare into the ethereal
and glimpse the spark of life
burning bright in your eyes,
what must I use to express?

Words of hope
and songs of glee,
battered thoughts
and whispers of jubilee?

Words, words and words.
Frail, beautiful and depressing words.
Expressions of humanity
mixed with naive devotion,
the need to be more
and see beyond this world of broken flesh.

What more can I see?
What more shall I say?

Words vanishing
and swept away
as this morning's dew and fog.
Lights pierce and dissipate
just as with our silly little lives.
But hope still remains,
hope that these things are yet to be finished
and that Love wins.

Love will carry.
Love will create.
Love will break.
Love will make anew.

And we shall walk hand in hand,
through the echoes of eternity,
safe with Father
and eternal hope
that every new day
can in fact be so very new.

"Moment of Surrender" - U2

"We set ourselves on fire
Oh God, do not deny her
It's not if I believe in love
But if love believes in me
Oh, believe in me

At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

I've been in every black hole
At the altar of the dark star
My body's now a begging bowl
That's begging to get back
Begging to get back to my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control

I was punching in the numbers
At the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

One last time

I was speeding on the subway
Through the stations of the cross
Every eye looking every other way
Counting down till the pain will stop"

"In the locust wind
Comes a rattle and hum
Jacob wrestled the angel
And the angel was overcome
You plant a demon seed
You raise a flower of fire
See them burning crosses
See the flames, higher and higher"

Psalm 9

"But the Lord reigns forever,
executing judgment from his throne.
He will judge the world with justice
and rule the nations with fairness.
The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed,
a refuge in times of trouble.
Those who know your name trust in you,
for you, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for you."
-Psalm 9:7-10

I can't fathom the impossibility of humans caring, loving and wanting to take care of one another.

I can't grasp a God who loves and never ceases to pursue His wayward and stupid bride.

Who am I?
What creature am I?
This guttural sounds disguised as words
and the self loathing
all worn like a badge of pride.

Who are You?
Messiah born in Bethlehem,
first hours spent among animals and dung.
Ceaseless in love covered grace,
crushing the snake with Your heel
even as we drove the nails in.

Nothing can be the same.
The pain ripping me apart on the inside
as I fall from place to place.
I have lived here
but never do I wish to return.
I can cry, scream out for help
and hope for Your return.
To catch me in Your arms
and never cease to pour out Your love on such as I.


I suppose the hope I have is that You don't abandon those searching for You.
Even in my fear, the confusion, the pain...
Feeling so lost and disconnected...someway and somehow make the distance between us not seem so impossibly great as they are.

This chasm between the natural and supernatural.
Flesh and spirit.
All wrapped into one package.
So much pain.
So much confusion.
Oh the regret...

But not for you.
Freedom never could come from free.
Losing the claw marks from my skin,
just dead weight one could never miss.

"I want to go home."

I really need to be a nicer person.
Or at least make an attempt to be.
Or at acknowledge I'm human and the fact I don't act upon the latent desires to set certain people on fire as being a good thing.

Mostly.

"I've got a ticket to the moon,

I'll be leaving here any day soon,

Yeah, I've got a ticket to the moon,

But I'd rather see the sunrise, in your eyes.



Got a ticket to the moon,

I'll be rising high above the earth so soon,

And the tears I cry might turn into the rain,

That gently falls upon your window,

You'll never know.



Ticket to the moon

Fly, fly through a troubled sky

Up to a new world shining bright.

Flying high above,

Soaring madly through the mysteries that come,

Wondering sadly if the ways that led me here,

Could turn around and I would see you there,

standing there

Ticket to the moon,

Flight leaves here today from satellite 2,

As the minutes go by what shall I do,

I paid the fare but what more can I say,

It's just one way.

Ticket to the moon."

Bah.

What lunatics would trust me, much less want me as a leader?

Evidently these people.

Oie.

If nothing else this will at least make for an interesting ride and descent into chaos...

>_<

Who...me?
I think I meet those qualifications.

"There's nothing you can do that can't be done
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy

Nothing you can make that can't be made
No one you can save that can't be saved
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time
It's easy

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

Nothing you can know that isn't known
Nothing you can see that isn't shown
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be
It's easy

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need"

"And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me

I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"

Oie.

Just...yeah...

There has to be a means by which to utilize my ongoing migraines as a fuel source.

If that is possible then I think I have just found a way to a brighter, happier non fossil fuel future.

Clean reliable migraine energy now with 73% more snark.

Woo.

"The farther I fall I'm beside you
as lost as I get I will find you
the deeper the wound I'm inside you
for ever and ever I'm a part of

You and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
if the world should break in two
until the very end of me
until the very end of you

All that we were is gone we have to hold on
when all our hope is gone we have to hold on
all that we were is gone but we can hold on

You and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
even after everything
you're the queen and I'm the king
nothing else means anything"

Reflecting on Recollection Having Gone Wild for some Odd Five Years Plus

Today.

Five years ago.

Give or take a few days.

Was my first attempt at working on my masters, doing seminary work up in Birmingham.

God that was such a miserable experience.
Anxiety.
Depression.
A lot of freaking strangers.
Quite a number of panic attacks.
Which was absolutely freaking pathetic.
Sitting in the parking lot of the church and trying not to throw up while shaking violently.

Years later I am still not even remotely sure what all of my triggers for that are...and I think I might have worked some of the self hate off...but really...

In ways I still struggle with not freaking out anytime I must be around large groups of strangers.

Or feeling I'm being watched.

Or judged.

It has to do with large groups of strangers and/or Christians.

I still can't believe all the pain I have caused because of my indecision, my fears and the need I have to run around and run away every time things seem too much.

I could just beat myself mercilessly.

Dance over my own pain.

But what good is just self destruction?

So strange.
I've had God whispering me to my whole life about how I am loved, I am wanted, I am beautiful, I am desired, I am wanted and that there is a place for me...but my selfish need for control...to beat myself bloody and scream at the top of my lungs until I am hoarse...until I am exhausted and in tears...how much I hate me, how much I hate you...how much I hate You for forgiving me.

Some heavy, dark, sometimes silly, sometimes nonsense and so often just a reminder that I am a tired, broken and weak child who is playing at living a life.

A quarter of a century old and I am still chasing after some of these same old ghosts.

Funny thing, how missing something...or never having had something can make a gap, this hole in you...that everything falls through...and is just pitch as night.

It's...so weird to talk to the few people I can't lie to.
If anything I would rather just run than ever tell them how bad things can be.
It's not that I do not trust them.
The weakness...and the fear...the...

All of those words.
Painful.
Unpleasant.
So much unseen.
Unknown.
I wish it could be easier.
And watch your smile,
see you across this distance
and know,
just know the dawn would come.
Baptized in love,
carried by these wings of grace.
Hope.
Hope.
Bursting from within,
pulsing inside my chest
and burning within my veins,
Love never letting me go
and carrying me
through the pain.

Murp.

So many thoughts and so many words spun and crafted in this dark.
Fevers, chills, shaking and confusion at what may yet be...

Goodness, wonder, hope and need to be Yours.
Never knowing but hoping
and being carried.

"ienai itami kanashimi de kizu tsuita kimi yo
kesenai kako mo seoi atte ikou ikiru koto wo nage dasanai de

tsunaida kimi no te wo

itsuka ushinatte shimau no kana
usurete iku egao to kimi wo mamoritai kara
hibiku boku wo yobu koe sae kare
toki ni sou kaze ni kaki kesaretatte
kimi wo mitsuke dasu

ienai itami kanashimi de kizu tsuita kimi
mou waraenai nante hito girai nante kotoba sou iwanai de
mienai mirai ni okoru koto subete ni imi ga aru kara
ima wa sono mama de ii kitto kizukeru toki ga kuru daro"

Fount of Eternal Confusion

Stuff never really seems to balance out around me.
I tend to either be stressed out and busy.
Or stressed out and nothing to do.
Sometimes I am off gallivanting on some metaphysical higher plane and return to find out that my body went into 'standby' which means collapsing on the floor from stressed and curling up into a ball while whimpering that "In his house at R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming." ...or maybe its "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."

Bah.
Point being is that when it rains it floods.
And it's always flooding in this neighborhood.

I've been approached to work on not one but TWO seperate television projects.
One is in directing/production on a tv pilot.
The other is writing and possibly helping to direct a(n) episode(s) of a TV series being picked up by Christian TV Networks.

I never thought I would actually write anything much less direct TV.

And I can blame this on 'Ghetto Zorro'.
Which deserves to be put up somewhere here on the net where it can't be taken down by hyper Nazi copyright youtube lawyers.

Speaking of writing...my, unbelievably, fifth NANOWRIMO starts in a few months...I'll be writing my fifth novel...and I started this when I was twenty-one, fresh out of university and free falling into a pit of depression and ill health...and now I am twenty-five and free falling into a puddle of depression and ill health...and I have some stubborn people who insist on pulling me out.

So if things are as I understand them the writing based projects coming up:

-Directing pilot.
-Helping write pilot, other episodes and directing one.
-Rough draft of Fifth novel.
-I've started organizing all of my novel/story notes and trying to make sense of my novels to see if this next one is going to be in the overall series or something new.
-As always adding to and editing my poetry.
-I'm going to be writing my Master thesis in the spring.
-I have been asked to do voice over work for an audio play.
-Looking at starting a video review series with my best friend.

With all of these projects I am going to be happy if I make enough money to at least buy a taco.

That is a worthy goal...right?
So many things...yet at times I feel so distant and unsure.
I suppose that is life.
I never knew what to pray for...and yet here you are.
In my life, such vivid reality I never knew could be.

Life isn't just a downward spiral of decay.
Life and death.
Pain and progress.
But sometimes...sometimes the rain stops.
The rainbow does shine.
And the dreams you dare to dream do come true.

Words really are so much more difficult to gather and utilize than they used to be...such is life I suppose...

Hrmph...

Twenty-Five-Thousand hits in five years?

Five thousand hits a year?

That is...so...nutty.

Squawk, Squawk and Gambling

The thing that has no cease to haunt me for well over a decade is the fact I sill do not know if I was and am doing ministry for God...or for this self indulgent egomaniac and self-promoted bastard child of Christendom.



Yes it matters.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No attempt at helping and serving can be properly rewarded until things come full circle and the pain is restored.

Who I am would not be recognizable for who I was.
The worsening health, the limp, the dark circles, the snarky and sardonic humor...still the only true redeemable aspect is that one thing that has never had ANYTHING to do with me...

Christ love.
Christ grace.
Chasing after the wayward children just so when they turn around they can fall into the arms of the Lover.

And who am I?
Reflections in the dark,
room lit by a screen and sun struggling to break free.

I'm so weary.
So tired.
I'm cynical with stripes of hope,
begging that if the pain cannot be lifted
that at least a hand to hold
and if there is no hand hold,
to at least touch me with grace
so that something good can come of this bile.

"A Roman Catholic in Southern Baptist’s Clothing”