*sigh*
I miss those trees as silly as this is...
=/
Fleeting moments of childhood...hither and tither...
Chrono Trigger and EarthBound anyone?
Monday, October 25, 2010
Quote of the Day:
"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
-Mohandas Gandhi
-Mohandas Gandhi
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Film Noir of the Soul
Falling, falling, falling.
What does it matter?
Failing, failing, failing.
Every last word is proven false.
God knows the pain I feel,
how if I could
I would just take it all,
carry the shame
carry your pain
and just be real again,
forming out of darkness
so I just will be me.
I miss it all,
Muse fueled words,
God the intoxication!
Yet far from yesterday
and other brilliant sparks
which grew in my heart.
Just like so many things,
feeling and passing,
pulling from my life
and into the sea foam of time
before I know what happens.
The ones I walk with now
I fear will be gone in minutes
if not seconds.
Further loved ones lost,
as I'm forced to live
and damned to survive.
I always must live,
must survive
must outlive the relationships,
the one who makes me feel alive.
Always in shades,
silhouettes
as my prison
is this decaying shell
which damns me to live,
life for now
and live forever.
Always in the now,
this second
which leads to another,
pulling me down paths
and making me decide
and render so much pain.
Damned if I do,
damned if I do not,
damned in every second
of this torture
where I make decisions
and there is never a good choice
or a happy ending.
I have no choice.
I must live.
I was born with these feelings and thoughts
even though I never once asked
or was considered
or quizzed
about where and when.
If I was born a decade earlier or later
so much could be different.
But instead,
my time-line is attached to
nineteen eighty-six
and there is none alive
who I can share this time burden with.
I'm not mad,
not loosing ground
fretting or in rage.
Melancholy,
and missing,
missing and longings
of things I scarcely understood
then or now.
My nightmares are such vivid terrors,
and they come to life on their own.
Such horror.
Why not this dream?
Just this once chance of singular happiness?
Is it a sin to ask?
To beg Yahweh for such?
Were I balanced
and my melancholy removed,
would it shake the foundation
and change this world
making it worse?
Should I just be narcissistic
and assume the pain I tread
and the loneliness I feel
is for the betterment of the world?
At least I can never be accused
or said to lack imagination.
Words, words and more words
just hot air.
Tired, so very tired.
Games, more than plenty
and I just want to run away
far from here
to a new world
and a new age
where I can loose myself in love
and work,
to die surrounded by loved ones
after a generation of loving
and giving all.
But not this life,
not this world.
Noir is the game
and darkness reigns
as the spirit within me cries.
The Dark rises
and who remains to fight,
to stand against the tide?
A singular,
a non-entity
who is frail
and fragile,
steaming the tide
and sacrificing
because someone has to.
I will take all I must,
feel all that is needed,
just so others may have normality
to live and die in peace
while I wear this mantle.
I will stand,
I will live
and surely die
but someone must stand
and stop the tears from being shed.
Until the day they are all wiped away,
I am and will be.
Narcissism and all.
One can change, break
and rearrange the order
and course of humanity.
It's not my place to write history,
just to be faithful
and be crushed by the wheels of fate
and hold onto the faith
which saved and damned me at the same time.
Saved me from my sin, from myself
and the endless divide and solitude.
Yet damned me to never being content,
never being able to rest
and feeling the pain of everyone around me.
It is good and right
to live and give everything
so that others may live
and find normality.
Shades, shadows,
raindrops and teardrops,
do you see and feel them madam?
My obsession,
my destruction,
the course of history
and all that will and could ever be
just found here
within,
following
and flowing with pulse.
Back to bed,
get rest
and dry your eyes
for tomorrow is a new week,
such flitting moments of time,
you just live
seize this new life
and live to love,
to have and have all.
Loving at all is so good
so right
and beautiful,
I will live too,
I have no choice in the matter.
When it is my time to depart
I will hear the sweet whispers
and be enveloped into eternity
and then the only One,
the only One who can handle my pain,
these fears
and the weaknesses people hate me for,
the love for all
and this burning empathy,
I might have peace.
I have to remain
and just hold here,
be faithful
and hold all the pain from others.
Thank you for sending me a beautiful smile.
No matter my fears of contact
or ever being able to full express
and give of myself
it was the brightest beauty this world has ever seen.
No greater beauty will ever be seen,
in this age
or the coming reign of Christ.
Thank you for helping me live,
finding one worthy of being loved
under all these contradictions
and levels of fear.
Thank you madam muse
for placing this joy
and need to accept myself
in this heart.
Eternal gratitude
and hope,
living, taking shape
and forcing its way.
What does it matter?
Failing, failing, failing.
Every last word is proven false.
God knows the pain I feel,
how if I could
I would just take it all,
carry the shame
carry your pain
and just be real again,
forming out of darkness
so I just will be me.
I miss it all,
Muse fueled words,
God the intoxication!
Yet far from yesterday
and other brilliant sparks
which grew in my heart.
Just like so many things,
feeling and passing,
pulling from my life
and into the sea foam of time
before I know what happens.
The ones I walk with now
I fear will be gone in minutes
if not seconds.
Further loved ones lost,
as I'm forced to live
and damned to survive.
I always must live,
must survive
must outlive the relationships,
the one who makes me feel alive.
Always in shades,
silhouettes
as my prison
is this decaying shell
which damns me to live,
life for now
and live forever.
Always in the now,
this second
which leads to another,
pulling me down paths
and making me decide
and render so much pain.
Damned if I do,
damned if I do not,
damned in every second
of this torture
where I make decisions
and there is never a good choice
or a happy ending.
I have no choice.
I must live.
I was born with these feelings and thoughts
even though I never once asked
or was considered
or quizzed
about where and when.
If I was born a decade earlier or later
so much could be different.
But instead,
my time-line is attached to
nineteen eighty-six
and there is none alive
who I can share this time burden with.
I'm not mad,
not loosing ground
fretting or in rage.
Melancholy,
and missing,
missing and longings
of things I scarcely understood
then or now.
My nightmares are such vivid terrors,
and they come to life on their own.
Such horror.
Why not this dream?
Just this once chance of singular happiness?
Is it a sin to ask?
To beg Yahweh for such?
Were I balanced
and my melancholy removed,
would it shake the foundation
and change this world
making it worse?
Should I just be narcissistic
and assume the pain I tread
and the loneliness I feel
is for the betterment of the world?
At least I can never be accused
or said to lack imagination.
Words, words and more words
just hot air.
Tired, so very tired.
Games, more than plenty
and I just want to run away
far from here
to a new world
and a new age
where I can loose myself in love
and work,
to die surrounded by loved ones
after a generation of loving
and giving all.
But not this life,
not this world.
Noir is the game
and darkness reigns
as the spirit within me cries.
The Dark rises
and who remains to fight,
to stand against the tide?
A singular,
a non-entity
who is frail
and fragile,
steaming the tide
and sacrificing
because someone has to.
I will take all I must,
feel all that is needed,
just so others may have normality
to live and die in peace
while I wear this mantle.
I will stand,
I will live
and surely die
but someone must stand
and stop the tears from being shed.
Until the day they are all wiped away,
I am and will be.
Narcissism and all.
One can change, break
and rearrange the order
and course of humanity.
It's not my place to write history,
just to be faithful
and be crushed by the wheels of fate
and hold onto the faith
which saved and damned me at the same time.
Saved me from my sin, from myself
and the endless divide and solitude.
Yet damned me to never being content,
never being able to rest
and feeling the pain of everyone around me.
It is good and right
to live and give everything
so that others may live
and find normality.
Shades, shadows,
raindrops and teardrops,
do you see and feel them madam?
My obsession,
my destruction,
the course of history
and all that will and could ever be
just found here
within,
following
and flowing with pulse.
Back to bed,
get rest
and dry your eyes
for tomorrow is a new week,
such flitting moments of time,
you just live
seize this new life
and live to love,
to have and have all.
Loving at all is so good
so right
and beautiful,
I will live too,
I have no choice in the matter.
When it is my time to depart
I will hear the sweet whispers
and be enveloped into eternity
and then the only One,
the only One who can handle my pain,
these fears
and the weaknesses people hate me for,
the love for all
and this burning empathy,
I might have peace.
I have to remain
and just hold here,
be faithful
and hold all the pain from others.
Thank you for sending me a beautiful smile.
No matter my fears of contact
or ever being able to full express
and give of myself
it was the brightest beauty this world has ever seen.
No greater beauty will ever be seen,
in this age
or the coming reign of Christ.
Thank you for helping me live,
finding one worthy of being loved
under all these contradictions
and levels of fear.
Thank you madam muse
for placing this joy
and need to accept myself
in this heart.
Eternal gratitude
and hope,
living, taking shape
and forcing its way.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Indifference, Cancer of the Soul
"This vacant emptiness,
this hollow is eating
stabs through my side like thorns, so defeating.
The glint of gold, sparks of silver, shining
the slightest breath of why we're pining.
We take the crumbs like our hearts are at peace
We are far too easily pleased
Quicksilver, quicksilver
Shadows dodge and fade
something less than why we're made
I need this burning inside me
this brilliant aura, this electricity
I'm being haunted by specters of what might be
of imperfections, of nearness to beauty
As life butchers, so sweet yet so sickening
we have betrayed, for each tiny flickering"
-Roper, "Quicksilver"
"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of beauty is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, but indifference between life and death...Indifference, to me, is the epitome of evil."
"I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."
-Elie Wiesel
It has become second nature for me to question my motives, why I write and go on all of these rather ridiculous tangents. I really like U2 and my fellow narcissist Bono for the contradictory fact he is a millionaire and spends a lot of his free time and money on the idea of a spiritual, physical and financial renaissance of Africa.
I really can't tell you what my niche is but I thrive off of praise, strut about like a literary peacock and why not? At heart, I am like every artist who is a needy narcissist who will always be seeking the flitting glimmers of human praise.
Which, is self-defeating and oxymoronic considering how I want to point people (Christians especially) to our (read that as MINE, MY, ME) gross hypocrisies, apathy and the general failings of the church towards loving one another, stopping needless and stupid deaths and you know...helping old ladies cross the street.
Which ultimately I think is okay because this is coming from the guy who does his Bible reading while regularly listening to Nine Inch Nails (Might I take this time to recommend the free live album "The Gift"? http://thisoneisonus.org/node/34) so feel free to expect contradiction, exaggeration, satire, malcontent and the fact I am trying to come to terms with the fact I was born human.
I had a point that seems to have been misplaced in all the tangents...something about apathy.
I think.
Ah...here we are:
"Keep on loving each other as brothers and sisters. Don’t forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it! Remember those in prison, as if you were there yourself. Remember also those being mistreated, as if you felt their pain in your own bodies."
-Hebrews 13:1-3
"“But when the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit upon his glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered in his presence, and he will separate the people as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will place the sheep at his right hand and the goats at his left.
“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’
“Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’
“And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’
“Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons. For I was hungry, and you didn’t feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn’t give me a drink. I was a stranger, and you didn’t invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn’t give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn’t visit me.’
“Then they will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and not help you?’
“And he will answer, ‘I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.’
“And they will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous will go into eternal life.”"
-Matthew 25:31-46
I quote those above passages, along with the Sermon on the Mount, enough times that I feel like I am running up to each one of you in your your living room and smacking you in the face with a stick that had these verses carved on it.
I am also smacking myself as well and if you get tired of it you don't have to read my silly words.
How do I follow up to the words of the man who claimed to be Messiah, Savior, Creator and God? Either he has/had a severe issue of mental illness, suffered some fairly bad biography writing or was true to his words, every last one of them.
One of the single most disturbing things I have ever witnessed is friends, Christians, who did not understand why I care about issues such as the persecution of Sudanese Christians, the current situation in France of the government violating the human rights of the Roma people by forcibly deporting them, the fact that more Christians (and political activists) have been murdered by Communists in the last century then by hundreds of years of Roman rule.
I don't have a sign, I don't think I have much of an agenda...I just firmly believe every human being is deserving of dignity, respect, security and love. No one should suffer persecution no matter how much I disagree with them and for the most part that is one of the things I love the most about America. The fact that Fox News and MSNBC both exist to annoy one another to no foreseeable end is good for everyone at the end of the day.
A secret their one sided newscasters and many in the church have not discovered is this; listening to other people's opinion and rational thought is not in fact the work of the devil, it is a secret and magical thing called being a mature and reasonable adult.
I have a lot of problems with spiritual unrest and chronic worry...the only times I can think of when the clouds clear is when I write, when I pray and when I overcome my nervous social tendencies and participate in the human race by going to where people are and listening to them. Not hitting them with a gospel stick, showering them with Jesus fish bumper stickers but honestly letting them expose their soul and find this divine moment that only comes about when we realize how hollow our lives are without one another.
The more I live the more I think we really need one another much more than we will ever be comfortable saying out loud.
And by that I mean EVERYONE.
I'm not trying to suggest a pantheistic or Unitarian theology but the simple fact that people are diverse and taking the time to listen and try to act like adults is a bit more productive and important than an "eye for an eye" and a cruise missile for a suicide bomber.
Until someone actually bother to take good ol' Saint Pete (1 Peter 4:8) and everyone's favorite polygamy driven king Solomon (Proverbs 10:12) at their words about love covering over a multitude of sins then we are going to have the Real IRA still trying to blow up Northern Ireland for a "free and united Ireland", the Palestinians and Israelis fighting over stupefyingly small pieces of land and the money making scheme that drives our political process.
I guess I may be making such vague generalities that I might be sabotaging my writings and my point.
That is okay.
Someone needs to sit in the middle and say "Hey guy! It's okay to make sandwiches and not war, we can even make it a kosher diet just to make sure everyone is happy!"
I am more than okay with the fact I love and serve a God who is bigger, more beautiful and amazing than I could ever dare to dream. I am just a beggar looking for grace who happened to hit the jackpot because I found a Lover, a Messiah and a grace that has removed my stains and forced me to look in the mirror and forgive myself and to learn how to let the past go.
Baby steps are okay.
At this point in time any sort of movement forward is in fact forward momentum.
Grace enough for today is in fact enough for today.
this hollow is eating
stabs through my side like thorns, so defeating.
The glint of gold, sparks of silver, shining
the slightest breath of why we're pining.
We take the crumbs like our hearts are at peace
We are far too easily pleased
Quicksilver, quicksilver
Shadows dodge and fade
something less than why we're made
I need this burning inside me
this brilliant aura, this electricity
I'm being haunted by specters of what might be
of imperfections, of nearness to beauty
As life butchers, so sweet yet so sickening
we have betrayed, for each tiny flickering"
-Roper, "Quicksilver"
"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of beauty is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, but indifference between life and death...Indifference, to me, is the epitome of evil."
"I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."
-Elie Wiesel
It has become second nature for me to question my motives, why I write and go on all of these rather ridiculous tangents. I really like U2 and my fellow narcissist Bono for the contradictory fact he is a millionaire and spends a lot of his free time and money on the idea of a spiritual, physical and financial renaissance of Africa.
I really can't tell you what my niche is but I thrive off of praise, strut about like a literary peacock and why not? At heart, I am like every artist who is a needy narcissist who will always be seeking the flitting glimmers of human praise.
Which, is self-defeating and oxymoronic considering how I want to point people (Christians especially) to our (read that as MINE, MY, ME) gross hypocrisies, apathy and the general failings of the church towards loving one another, stopping needless and stupid deaths and you know...helping old ladies cross the street.
Which ultimately I think is okay because this is coming from the guy who does his Bible reading while regularly listening to Nine Inch Nails (Might I take this time to recommend the free live album "The Gift"? http://thisoneisonus.org/node/34) so feel free to expect contradiction, exaggeration, satire, malcontent and the fact I am trying to come to terms with the fact I was born human.
I had a point that seems to have been misplaced in all the tangents...something about apathy.
I think.
Ah...here we are:
"Keep on loving each other as brothers and sisters. Don’t forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it! Remember those in prison, as if you were there yourself. Remember also those being mistreated, as if you felt their pain in your own bodies."
-Hebrews 13:1-3
"“But when the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit upon his glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered in his presence, and he will separate the people as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will place the sheep at his right hand and the goats at his left.
“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’
“Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’
“And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’
“Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons. For I was hungry, and you didn’t feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn’t give me a drink. I was a stranger, and you didn’t invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn’t give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn’t visit me.’
“Then they will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and not help you?’
“And he will answer, ‘I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.’
“And they will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous will go into eternal life.”"
-Matthew 25:31-46
I quote those above passages, along with the Sermon on the Mount, enough times that I feel like I am running up to each one of you in your your living room and smacking you in the face with a stick that had these verses carved on it.
I am also smacking myself as well and if you get tired of it you don't have to read my silly words.
How do I follow up to the words of the man who claimed to be Messiah, Savior, Creator and God? Either he has/had a severe issue of mental illness, suffered some fairly bad biography writing or was true to his words, every last one of them.
One of the single most disturbing things I have ever witnessed is friends, Christians, who did not understand why I care about issues such as the persecution of Sudanese Christians, the current situation in France of the government violating the human rights of the Roma people by forcibly deporting them, the fact that more Christians (and political activists) have been murdered by Communists in the last century then by hundreds of years of Roman rule.
I don't have a sign, I don't think I have much of an agenda...I just firmly believe every human being is deserving of dignity, respect, security and love. No one should suffer persecution no matter how much I disagree with them and for the most part that is one of the things I love the most about America. The fact that Fox News and MSNBC both exist to annoy one another to no foreseeable end is good for everyone at the end of the day.
A secret their one sided newscasters and many in the church have not discovered is this; listening to other people's opinion and rational thought is not in fact the work of the devil, it is a secret and magical thing called being a mature and reasonable adult.
I have a lot of problems with spiritual unrest and chronic worry...the only times I can think of when the clouds clear is when I write, when I pray and when I overcome my nervous social tendencies and participate in the human race by going to where people are and listening to them. Not hitting them with a gospel stick, showering them with Jesus fish bumper stickers but honestly letting them expose their soul and find this divine moment that only comes about when we realize how hollow our lives are without one another.
The more I live the more I think we really need one another much more than we will ever be comfortable saying out loud.
And by that I mean EVERYONE.
I'm not trying to suggest a pantheistic or Unitarian theology but the simple fact that people are diverse and taking the time to listen and try to act like adults is a bit more productive and important than an "eye for an eye" and a cruise missile for a suicide bomber.
Until someone actually bother to take good ol' Saint Pete (1 Peter 4:8) and everyone's favorite polygamy driven king Solomon (Proverbs 10:12) at their words about love covering over a multitude of sins then we are going to have the Real IRA still trying to blow up Northern Ireland for a "free and united Ireland", the Palestinians and Israelis fighting over stupefyingly small pieces of land and the money making scheme that drives our political process.
I guess I may be making such vague generalities that I might be sabotaging my writings and my point.
That is okay.
Someone needs to sit in the middle and say "Hey guy! It's okay to make sandwiches and not war, we can even make it a kosher diet just to make sure everyone is happy!"
I am more than okay with the fact I love and serve a God who is bigger, more beautiful and amazing than I could ever dare to dream. I am just a beggar looking for grace who happened to hit the jackpot because I found a Lover, a Messiah and a grace that has removed my stains and forced me to look in the mirror and forgive myself and to learn how to let the past go.
Baby steps are okay.
At this point in time any sort of movement forward is in fact forward momentum.
Grace enough for today is in fact enough for today.
Quote of the Day:
"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of beauty is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, but indifference between life and death...Indifference, to me, is the epitome of evil."
-Elie Wiesel
-Elie Wiesel
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Quote of the Day:
“Never cease loving a person, and never give up hope for him, for even the prodigal son who had fallen most low, could still be saved; the bitterest enemy and also he who was your friend could again be your friend; love that has grown cold can kindle”
-Soren Kierkegaard
-Soren Kierkegaard
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Proverbs 19
"Better a poor man whose walk is blameless
than a fool whose lips are perverse.
It is not good to have zeal without knowledge,
nor to be hasty and miss the way.
A man's own folly ruins his life,
yet his heart rages against the LORD."
-Proverbs 19:1-3
Poor, foolish, rash, folly and rage...oh dear so much rage...
How does scripture know me better than I know myself?
I go from wanting to hide my head in the sand to screaming curses to the heavens...and yet here I am, my fleeting life preserved when I have done so much sin and done so willingly and gleefully.
How do you love such a wicked man that merely masquerades as a son?
Loving correction and a chance at a new day...I can breath, taste, smell, feel, experience every day...thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
I can pain so many pictures of myself and what it is like to be in love with me...please continue to teach me, correct me, love me, break me...and help me grow.
I can't stand the distance between us...please fill in the gap and love me.
Who am I?
Words...so many words...
But thank you.
Again and again Beloved, thank you.
than a fool whose lips are perverse.
It is not good to have zeal without knowledge,
nor to be hasty and miss the way.
A man's own folly ruins his life,
yet his heart rages against the LORD."
-Proverbs 19:1-3
Poor, foolish, rash, folly and rage...oh dear so much rage...
How does scripture know me better than I know myself?
I go from wanting to hide my head in the sand to screaming curses to the heavens...and yet here I am, my fleeting life preserved when I have done so much sin and done so willingly and gleefully.
How do you love such a wicked man that merely masquerades as a son?
Loving correction and a chance at a new day...I can breath, taste, smell, feel, experience every day...thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
I can pain so many pictures of myself and what it is like to be in love with me...please continue to teach me, correct me, love me, break me...and help me grow.
I can't stand the distance between us...please fill in the gap and love me.
Who am I?
Words...so many words...
But thank you.
Again and again Beloved, thank you.
Everyone is worth loving, everyone is worth taking the time to listen to.
However not everyone is worthy of trust or the privilege of knowing my thoughts, knowing who I really am under this skin...
I hate pain.
I can't stand it.
Knowing others are suffering or anything like that...even if it is listening I want to but God knows I would do everything I can...
...but that is just it, isn't it?
It's not my place to carry people or their burdens.
In fact...maybe it is a sin to try.
It will not let them grow or mature if I take their pain.
We all have to suffer.
I don't think I can ever be a parent or a husband or any sort of intimate relationship like that...I can't handle friendships...how in God's name will I ever be able to pull back and have perspective for things that insane?
I'm better off with books, papers and what few relationships I can salvage and keep afloat.
It is so silly to think I considered...even hoped for some of those things as recently as a few months ago...it was someone who isn't alive anymore.
I am not the person who spent so much effort writing on here in months or years past...I just am.
I don't know who that is or if it is a good thing.
I have no choice but to just accept me as myself and hope the best comes out of life.
Rash, major and impossible decisions are coming out of every hole and hiding place...but I am just too tired to care at all.
All of these mistakes, all of these aches...every poisonous glance and every second wasted in this void...it's not even a paltry smile, screw that...I have dignity, I have pride and refuse to just throw myself at the mercy of beasts and horrors.
I am me.
Every disgusting and noble aspect coming together to make someone who is human.
I'm shallow, so shallow baby but you would never understand how.
I burrow and hide in shame, fleeing from light and at the end of the day I make a mockery of the cross...yet Christ has love enough for me.
That is more than enough for me.
None of you can understand this more than your own experience...the horror, the beauty, the endless facade we put up just to make it through the day...but here we are...day in and day out.
It could never be better or worse.
It is, it is, it is.
However not everyone is worthy of trust or the privilege of knowing my thoughts, knowing who I really am under this skin...
I hate pain.
I can't stand it.
Knowing others are suffering or anything like that...even if it is listening I want to but God knows I would do everything I can...
...but that is just it, isn't it?
It's not my place to carry people or their burdens.
In fact...maybe it is a sin to try.
It will not let them grow or mature if I take their pain.
We all have to suffer.
I don't think I can ever be a parent or a husband or any sort of intimate relationship like that...I can't handle friendships...how in God's name will I ever be able to pull back and have perspective for things that insane?
I'm better off with books, papers and what few relationships I can salvage and keep afloat.
It is so silly to think I considered...even hoped for some of those things as recently as a few months ago...it was someone who isn't alive anymore.
I am not the person who spent so much effort writing on here in months or years past...I just am.
I don't know who that is or if it is a good thing.
I have no choice but to just accept me as myself and hope the best comes out of life.
Rash, major and impossible decisions are coming out of every hole and hiding place...but I am just too tired to care at all.
All of these mistakes, all of these aches...every poisonous glance and every second wasted in this void...it's not even a paltry smile, screw that...I have dignity, I have pride and refuse to just throw myself at the mercy of beasts and horrors.
I am me.
Every disgusting and noble aspect coming together to make someone who is human.
I'm shallow, so shallow baby but you would never understand how.
I burrow and hide in shame, fleeing from light and at the end of the day I make a mockery of the cross...yet Christ has love enough for me.
That is more than enough for me.
None of you can understand this more than your own experience...the horror, the beauty, the endless facade we put up just to make it through the day...but here we are...day in and day out.
It could never be better or worse.
It is, it is, it is.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Inklings of Shadow and Time
I feel this plague inside me festering, growing moment by moment...apathy and excess entwining to starve my spirit and to seek nothing more than gratifying...worshiping my sick and broken body.
What madness does possess me?
What do I see except this shallow graves
and endless rows of pale white stones
all cut from this one rock
hidden deep within my cave.
I see, I feel...but so much, so more than I is...and was and shall ever be.
Such beautiful I neglect, I hate, I spite...I write off as being lesser or just a patch as needed.
Such foolish inklings...my strength is gone
and so is my mind.
The witching hour has come
and for now
I must bid the bitter farewell
but not to shores I wish to see
but endless rotations
inside this personal cave.
I see shadows on the walls
and dare to hope,
yes dare to dream
that all that is will cease
and in its wake
brings peace beyond understanding
and love eternal
never without an end.
What madness does possess me?
What do I see except this shallow graves
and endless rows of pale white stones
all cut from this one rock
hidden deep within my cave.
I see, I feel...but so much, so more than I is...and was and shall ever be.
Such beautiful I neglect, I hate, I spite...I write off as being lesser or just a patch as needed.
Such foolish inklings...my strength is gone
and so is my mind.
The witching hour has come
and for now
I must bid the bitter farewell
but not to shores I wish to see
but endless rotations
inside this personal cave.
I see shadows on the walls
and dare to hope,
yes dare to dream
that all that is will cease
and in its wake
brings peace beyond understanding
and love eternal
never without an end.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
"Jesus is for losers, the self-made need not apply"
As a rule of thumb I do my best to avoid politics.
I am trained in theology and philosophy, the golden tongue lies of the political norm is an area I try to never stray to far into because I honestly have trouble reconciling the loyalties demanded by a world government with my spiritual convictions.
A government has vested interests and those interests tend to seek preservation over anything as long as it makes its people happy and content. Christianity is not about contentment, if anything it takes ones self assured bubble and rips it to pieces and shoves the ugly truth of the fact that our middle class "utopia" is an anomaly floating on a world of poverty, disease and suffering.
That being said, for reason I do not fully understand, there is a huge contingent of Christians wrapped up in politics and more specifically the Republican party. The two golden calves of this movement tend to focus on gay marriage and abortion while seeming to neglect mostly anything else.
It seems all too easy to simply villainize and demonize those who have no voice in the major Christian circles and simply paint them as being "the enemy" that is stopping the marriage of the cross and eagle into this amazing theocracy that will bring about some mythical golden age of Christendom.
The thing that scares me the most is how that isn't hyperbole or sarcasm, that is the honest view of people and there has never been a marriage of Christianity and government that benefited anyone, it only made for a hollow faith that became an oppressor.
Which is irony in and of itself because Jesus came to set us free from the systems of this world, the shackles of tyranny and the need to divide people up based upon class of sinners.
That is what a politicized view of Christianity does.
The haves and have nots of faith.
We don't want our kids to be around the bad and dirty people...don't sully our churches with those who are gay, got too much color tone in their skin, the convict, the junkies, the doctor performing abortions...you know it is true...because even though we hate and will kill every Nazi, Jesus was the one who hung bleeding on a cross for every broken and self destructive sinner to walk this world.
Love is not a commodity we can use to guilt people into fitting into our niche of Christianity.
Just like how I have issues with the pro-life movement because it seems only concerned with aborted babies but doesn't speak up for those on death row or against the needless stupidity of all war.
Am I better then those Christians?
Do I have something they are missing?
It's not like I am some sort of golden child prodigy who has everything right.
I just feel strongly convicted in my human heart that there is no excuse, no reason, not bearable reason why any blood should be spilled.
Killing someone will never change the past and the final blood sacrifice was paid by the God who dared to come to his creation and forces us to move beyond our blind self serving stagnation.
There is finality in death that cannot be changed by human hands.
Should human hands have the authority to control who lives and who dies?
Can there really be any sort of justice from these imperfect and sinful hands?
Maybe it is silly to want to change the world at all when I can't even deal with my own crap...but I was cursed with the need to write what I see, what I feel, what I think...hope, pray and want to see.
Maybe just asking a question out loud is enough to do something...the hope and prayer I have is that the question will enter you, dear reader, and you will ask why and how...pray and maybe you will take a step, some sort of action.
Sunday, the 10th of October, is the World Day Against the Death Penalty and I think the Christian thing to do is to stop trying to take judgment into our hands and letting an imperfect system take the role of God.
http://www.amnestyusa.org/death-penalty/world-day-against-the-death-penalty-october-10-2010/page.do?id=1721023
The sad thing, is if the atheist and agnostic are right in saying Jesus was nothing more than a great moral teacher, they are at least taking Jesus more serious than any Christian.
For some reason it seems that we Christians don't think Jesus was serious in his sermons, in his life, sacrifice and resurrection. We are great at cherry picking Bible verses (see below) to suit our agenda, our needs and our wants...not letting the Spirit speak to our hearts and give us what we need.
Living in a culture of comfort where we ignore our sins and scream at others for daring to put a toe out of line...who are we fooling? Do you think the God we ignore and turn to only as a last resort will do anything else?
Even as we spit in his face while driving the nail into his hand...the love is there, vibrant and burning with such truth that we will never be able to ignore it, not even in our deepest levels of shame and fear. The beautiful horror is that as much as we resent Jesus for it...we need to be loved, to be forgiven and taken and held in our broken state...and to be taken and turned into something more beautiful than we could ever hope to be on our own.
“Don’t misunderstand why I have come. I did not come to abolish the law of Moses or the writings of the prophets. No, I came to accomplish their purpose. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not even the smallest detail of God’s law will disappear until its purpose is achieved. So if you ignore the least commandment and teach others to do the same, you will be called the least in the Kingdom of Heaven. But anyone who obeys God’s laws and teaches them will be called great in the Kingdom of Heaven.
“But I warn you—unless your righteousness is better than the righteousness of the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven!
“You have heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.’ But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell.
“So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God."
** ** ** **
“You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury: ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also. If you are sued in court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat, too. If a soldier demands that you carry his gear for a mile, carry it two miles. Give to those who ask, and don’t turn away from those who want to borrow.
“You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect."
-Matthew 5:17-24, 38-48
I am trained in theology and philosophy, the golden tongue lies of the political norm is an area I try to never stray to far into because I honestly have trouble reconciling the loyalties demanded by a world government with my spiritual convictions.
A government has vested interests and those interests tend to seek preservation over anything as long as it makes its people happy and content. Christianity is not about contentment, if anything it takes ones self assured bubble and rips it to pieces and shoves the ugly truth of the fact that our middle class "utopia" is an anomaly floating on a world of poverty, disease and suffering.
That being said, for reason I do not fully understand, there is a huge contingent of Christians wrapped up in politics and more specifically the Republican party. The two golden calves of this movement tend to focus on gay marriage and abortion while seeming to neglect mostly anything else.
It seems all too easy to simply villainize and demonize those who have no voice in the major Christian circles and simply paint them as being "the enemy" that is stopping the marriage of the cross and eagle into this amazing theocracy that will bring about some mythical golden age of Christendom.
The thing that scares me the most is how that isn't hyperbole or sarcasm, that is the honest view of people and there has never been a marriage of Christianity and government that benefited anyone, it only made for a hollow faith that became an oppressor.
Which is irony in and of itself because Jesus came to set us free from the systems of this world, the shackles of tyranny and the need to divide people up based upon class of sinners.
That is what a politicized view of Christianity does.
The haves and have nots of faith.
We don't want our kids to be around the bad and dirty people...don't sully our churches with those who are gay, got too much color tone in their skin, the convict, the junkies, the doctor performing abortions...you know it is true...because even though we hate and will kill every Nazi, Jesus was the one who hung bleeding on a cross for every broken and self destructive sinner to walk this world.
Love is not a commodity we can use to guilt people into fitting into our niche of Christianity.
Just like how I have issues with the pro-life movement because it seems only concerned with aborted babies but doesn't speak up for those on death row or against the needless stupidity of all war.
Am I better then those Christians?
Do I have something they are missing?
It's not like I am some sort of golden child prodigy who has everything right.
I just feel strongly convicted in my human heart that there is no excuse, no reason, not bearable reason why any blood should be spilled.
Killing someone will never change the past and the final blood sacrifice was paid by the God who dared to come to his creation and forces us to move beyond our blind self serving stagnation.
There is finality in death that cannot be changed by human hands.
Should human hands have the authority to control who lives and who dies?
Can there really be any sort of justice from these imperfect and sinful hands?
Maybe it is silly to want to change the world at all when I can't even deal with my own crap...but I was cursed with the need to write what I see, what I feel, what I think...hope, pray and want to see.
Maybe just asking a question out loud is enough to do something...the hope and prayer I have is that the question will enter you, dear reader, and you will ask why and how...pray and maybe you will take a step, some sort of action.
Sunday, the 10th of October, is the World Day Against the Death Penalty and I think the Christian thing to do is to stop trying to take judgment into our hands and letting an imperfect system take the role of God.
http://www.amnestyusa.org/death-penalty/world-day-against-the-death-penalty-october-10-2010/page.do?id=1721023
The sad thing, is if the atheist and agnostic are right in saying Jesus was nothing more than a great moral teacher, they are at least taking Jesus more serious than any Christian.
For some reason it seems that we Christians don't think Jesus was serious in his sermons, in his life, sacrifice and resurrection. We are great at cherry picking Bible verses (see below) to suit our agenda, our needs and our wants...not letting the Spirit speak to our hearts and give us what we need.
Living in a culture of comfort where we ignore our sins and scream at others for daring to put a toe out of line...who are we fooling? Do you think the God we ignore and turn to only as a last resort will do anything else?
Even as we spit in his face while driving the nail into his hand...the love is there, vibrant and burning with such truth that we will never be able to ignore it, not even in our deepest levels of shame and fear. The beautiful horror is that as much as we resent Jesus for it...we need to be loved, to be forgiven and taken and held in our broken state...and to be taken and turned into something more beautiful than we could ever hope to be on our own.
“Don’t misunderstand why I have come. I did not come to abolish the law of Moses or the writings of the prophets. No, I came to accomplish their purpose. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not even the smallest detail of God’s law will disappear until its purpose is achieved. So if you ignore the least commandment and teach others to do the same, you will be called the least in the Kingdom of Heaven. But anyone who obeys God’s laws and teaches them will be called great in the Kingdom of Heaven.
“But I warn you—unless your righteousness is better than the righteousness of the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven!
“You have heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.’ But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell.
“So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God."
** ** ** **
“You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury: ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also. If you are sued in court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat, too. If a soldier demands that you carry his gear for a mile, carry it two miles. Give to those who ask, and don’t turn away from those who want to borrow.
“You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect."
-Matthew 5:17-24, 38-48
Quote of the Day:
“The world is not respectable; it is mortal, tormented, confused, deluded forever; but it is shot through with beauty, with love, with glints of courage and laughter; and in these, the spirit blooms timidly, and struggles to the light amid the thorns.”
-George Santayana
-George Santayana
Friday, October 8, 2010
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