T-T-T-T-T-N-N-M

Types,
just that redundant cliche
speaking volumes
in such silly sentiments.
nothing but headaches
while I listen
passive and tired.

Typography,
is not something I ever considered
nor did I realize
how much of it is this disease
festering and growing
in the soul.

Typically,
I am finding myself with no words
and just generic moans and sighs.
Listen to the reverb
just talk from cowards
not living life
as much as just playing around.

Tyranny,
life isn't just your little gem
or your claim to fame
and the beautiful irony
is that I am just the same.
Every morning we look in the mirror
and just see each other
never knowing we were soul mates.

Twins,
cursed of methodology
and genes bringing us together
for every battle
and every fight
that ends with so much blood
spreading across this room.



Nothing, nothing
or is it just
nothing something?
Take time to decorate your room
eternity is a long time
to be cut off from life
just to say you won.

Maybe,
just maybe
we'll find a place in the middle
and enough time we can call ample,
just maybe
it'll all make sense.

Hrmm...confusion.

"Types" has to be one of the single most useless and asinine things humanity invented.

That and Spam.

One nightmare deserves another?

I am getting frustrated with my vision going in and out of focus.
How am I supposed to do homework when the freaking words keep blurring into huge messes of inkblots?

Bah I hate medication side effects.
But...grace is still so sweet, so wonderful and beautiful...especially so in the pain.

"So now I'm stuck here
Between the guilty and the insincere
The words I spoke have left me here all alone
I should have known this
I never saw the backlash when the tide began to rise
I wish it all gone
I could've burned it when I had the choice
And now I'd die to kill the noise in my head

So I remember on the inside

I found a dark, infernal place I don't want to face anymore
Somehow, I won't stop feeding the pain
My heart's just the same as before

So I remember on the inside

If this is all the love my spirit can give
Just take it back tonight
There is not a reason more to live"

To a degree life would be so much easier if I could either switch off completely or turn on apathy as a state of being...it would be easier but so much more dull, trite and pointless.

I really would like to think I am doing the best I can to be friends and show love to everyone...everyone...which is one thing I decided this past week about putting forth effort to just be there...and try to mend broken ties.

Sometimes I am very unsure of people and their motivations...and words, words are so confusing even with given context. However I do pray...and hope for the best.

There is no simple solution...no magic to be found...except the magic that comes from sacrifice and caring more about others...

Ah...well ultimately I really don't know much...and just showing up and trying to be faithful is all I can do. What else is there?

...and there goes my ability to sleep for a bit.

Always more pain but not always enough pills...

Hrmm...today is not the day I wish to deal with inflated and self-righteous egos over art, literature or theater...I simply wish to let go and create...see what flows...

Caring exerts a lot of energy...apathy does too...

There has to be a middle ground between fatalism and trying to carry the whole world.

Hmm...

Migraines are incredibly uncool.
Ack.
>_<

Could be better...could be worse.

Undignified Love Letter

Falling,
flittering thoughts
just glisten
as they bathe in astral lights.

Hope has been waiting
with breath held
as the light approaches
overflowing
and fulfilling
long made promises
of yesteryear.

Years pass as seconds
in this inverted look at life,
just what will be left
after the grains fall
and pass trough the glass?

So many words
so many thoughts
but chief
is that I am my beloveds
and He is mine.
Spirit and water
intermingle
as I feel the eternal heartbeat
and the warmth against me.

Ash and sackcloth
with prayers and tears as my food,
what else may I do but wait?

Hope, desire, need
of this eternal love.

Everything is passing,
the mountains falling into the sea
and the sky will be rolled up like a scroll,
such fear and impossible means
but my Lover is steadfast.

Steadfast peace and joy
in this heart which has been cut and hurt
but the wounds
make it easier for Divine Love and Grace
to flow from here unto there.

Somehow my entire being lays out to you
and there are no secrets,
you know my heart
the pain
the sin
the failure
the lusts
the hate
the prejudice
the fears
and all the pride
which demands I have my own way.

Yet you do not hesitate
to hold me when I hurt
and catch me when I fall.
Eternal love
with such a divine Love,
how could I ever be grateful
about such impossible grace?

"There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb."

Third day of having to get a cold shower and potential drama...that could ruin my day...however...I am making myself breath.

Slow deep breaths.

I have far too many more important things then to worry about this.
I'm worth much more than silly worrying and fretting about...



"Cause I'm already gone
Felt that way all along
Closer to you every day
I didn't want it that much anyway

You're taking steps that make you feel dizzy
Then you learn to like the way it feels
You hurt yourself, you hurt your lover
Then you discover what you thought was freedom is just greed

Goodbye, and it's emotional goodnight
I'll be up with the sun
Are you still holding on
I'm not coming down
I'm not coming down"

After the chaos of this summer...I think I have almost finished making amends with everyone screwed over by my actions and behavior...not that I did anything Hell bent on destroying lives...just a lot of really naive and stupidly immature and overly trusting actions wrapped in a silliness that created several awkward scenarios...luckily nothing was damaged beyond repair.

I have some amazing friends to love and drag me along...and stay beside me in these rough times...even when I caused hurt to them. I really could never thank God properly enough or pray enough for them.

Now if things with my health would improve...that would be pure magic.

Ah just one of those moments that makes your soul feel incredibly cheap...

"People with the emotional maturity of an apple."

Oh dear...how I have known people like that...not the best to keep company with.
Still just...that came out of much distress...but I find the analogy very well put...and funny.

One breath, just one breath at a time...

I really, really, really miss my grandmother.
A lot.
I went to check my mail in Samford and for some reason the empty box reminded me that...I wouldn't be getting any cards from her. It's been six or seven years since I have gotten one from her...but just...the void is still there.

It is nowhere as raw as the feelings were when her health started to decline...but at the same time...it's one of those things that I don't think can really ever heal. I think Anne Lamott put it best when she mentioned that loosing someone you love...it's like having a badly broken leg...it'll heal and you can dance but you will always still have a small limp and hurt some when you move the wrong way.

I sometimes hate the fact I am forced to need people...and resent God for putting me in life where I am going to hurt like Hell and there is nothing I can do about it. There is just want to be self righteous about it...but it's a loosing battle...just breathing, being able to move at all and breath is a blessing.

It is amazing how the things we talked about in Acting I today applied to my life...how pain and the past have marked my life so heavily...and how impossible I have found it to just be able to move at times...to think, to breath...to do anything except feel the pain in such a frighteningly vivid manner.

But...even in the cold snow that falls from this pain...the frigid casing that wraps around my heart and tries to keep me from breathing...even in the dark...I feel hope, I feel the warmth of the Lamb as he calls my name and relentlessly pursues me...with such a reckless love.

Psalm 127

"Unless the Lord builds a house,
the work of the builders is wasted.
Unless the Lord protects a city,
guarding it with sentries will do no good.
It is useless for you to work so hard
from early morning until late at night,
anxiously working for food to eat;
for God gives rest to his loved ones."
-Psalm 127:1-2

"I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"

I'm hurting.
Fairly freaking bad.
There was not hot water so I had a cold shower.
I feel nauseated.

But I have joy.
I hurt like I was thrown down a flight of stairs but God has me standing up.
I'm drinking blueberry pomegranate tea with a smile.

The future is here at last and I'm greeting her with a smile and a limp, but a smile all the same.

"


"One"

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you
Now you got someone to blame
You say one love, one life
When it's one need in the night
It's one love
We get to share it
It leaves you baby
If you don't care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's too late tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one but we're not the same
We get to carry each other, carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one but we're not the same
We hurt each other, then we do it again

You say love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter but then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on to what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love, one blood, one life
You got to do what you should
One life with each other
Sisters, brothers
One life but we're not the same
We get to carry each other, carry each other
One"

Hrmmm

Nightmares...again...bah.

So strange, so weird...so true and so strange.
All at once.
Reality is so much more real than I could ever give it credit for.