Migraines are incredibly uncool.
Ack.
>_<

Could be better...could be worse.

Undignified Love Letter

Falling,
flittering thoughts
just glisten
as they bathe in astral lights.

Hope has been waiting
with breath held
as the light approaches
overflowing
and fulfilling
long made promises
of yesteryear.

Years pass as seconds
in this inverted look at life,
just what will be left
after the grains fall
and pass trough the glass?

So many words
so many thoughts
but chief
is that I am my beloveds
and He is mine.
Spirit and water
intermingle
as I feel the eternal heartbeat
and the warmth against me.

Ash and sackcloth
with prayers and tears as my food,
what else may I do but wait?

Hope, desire, need
of this eternal love.

Everything is passing,
the mountains falling into the sea
and the sky will be rolled up like a scroll,
such fear and impossible means
but my Lover is steadfast.

Steadfast peace and joy
in this heart which has been cut and hurt
but the wounds
make it easier for Divine Love and Grace
to flow from here unto there.

Somehow my entire being lays out to you
and there are no secrets,
you know my heart
the pain
the sin
the failure
the lusts
the hate
the prejudice
the fears
and all the pride
which demands I have my own way.

Yet you do not hesitate
to hold me when I hurt
and catch me when I fall.
Eternal love
with such a divine Love,
how could I ever be grateful
about such impossible grace?

"There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb."

Third day of having to get a cold shower and potential drama...that could ruin my day...however...I am making myself breath.

Slow deep breaths.

I have far too many more important things then to worry about this.
I'm worth much more than silly worrying and fretting about...



"Cause I'm already gone
Felt that way all along
Closer to you every day
I didn't want it that much anyway

You're taking steps that make you feel dizzy
Then you learn to like the way it feels
You hurt yourself, you hurt your lover
Then you discover what you thought was freedom is just greed

Goodbye, and it's emotional goodnight
I'll be up with the sun
Are you still holding on
I'm not coming down
I'm not coming down"

After the chaos of this summer...I think I have almost finished making amends with everyone screwed over by my actions and behavior...not that I did anything Hell bent on destroying lives...just a lot of really naive and stupidly immature and overly trusting actions wrapped in a silliness that created several awkward scenarios...luckily nothing was damaged beyond repair.

I have some amazing friends to love and drag me along...and stay beside me in these rough times...even when I caused hurt to them. I really could never thank God properly enough or pray enough for them.

Now if things with my health would improve...that would be pure magic.

Ah just one of those moments that makes your soul feel incredibly cheap...

"People with the emotional maturity of an apple."

Oh dear...how I have known people like that...not the best to keep company with.
Still just...that came out of much distress...but I find the analogy very well put...and funny.

One breath, just one breath at a time...

I really, really, really miss my grandmother.
A lot.
I went to check my mail in Samford and for some reason the empty box reminded me that...I wouldn't be getting any cards from her. It's been six or seven years since I have gotten one from her...but just...the void is still there.

It is nowhere as raw as the feelings were when her health started to decline...but at the same time...it's one of those things that I don't think can really ever heal. I think Anne Lamott put it best when she mentioned that loosing someone you love...it's like having a badly broken leg...it'll heal and you can dance but you will always still have a small limp and hurt some when you move the wrong way.

I sometimes hate the fact I am forced to need people...and resent God for putting me in life where I am going to hurt like Hell and there is nothing I can do about it. There is just want to be self righteous about it...but it's a loosing battle...just breathing, being able to move at all and breath is a blessing.

It is amazing how the things we talked about in Acting I today applied to my life...how pain and the past have marked my life so heavily...and how impossible I have found it to just be able to move at times...to think, to breath...to do anything except feel the pain in such a frighteningly vivid manner.

But...even in the cold snow that falls from this pain...the frigid casing that wraps around my heart and tries to keep me from breathing...even in the dark...I feel hope, I feel the warmth of the Lamb as he calls my name and relentlessly pursues me...with such a reckless love.

Psalm 127

"Unless the Lord builds a house,
the work of the builders is wasted.
Unless the Lord protects a city,
guarding it with sentries will do no good.
It is useless for you to work so hard
from early morning until late at night,
anxiously working for food to eat;
for God gives rest to his loved ones."
-Psalm 127:1-2

"I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"

I'm hurting.
Fairly freaking bad.
There was not hot water so I had a cold shower.
I feel nauseated.

But I have joy.
I hurt like I was thrown down a flight of stairs but God has me standing up.
I'm drinking blueberry pomegranate tea with a smile.

The future is here at last and I'm greeting her with a smile and a limp, but a smile all the same.

"


"One"

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you
Now you got someone to blame
You say one love, one life
When it's one need in the night
It's one love
We get to share it
It leaves you baby
If you don't care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's too late tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one but we're not the same
We get to carry each other, carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one but we're not the same
We hurt each other, then we do it again

You say love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter but then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on to what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love, one blood, one life
You got to do what you should
One life with each other
Sisters, brothers
One life but we're not the same
We get to carry each other, carry each other
One"

Hrmmm

Nightmares...again...bah.

So strange, so weird...so true and so strange.
All at once.
Reality is so much more real than I could ever give it credit for.

"That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try"

>_< ZOMG pain!!!

Moogle.

That is all.

Mostly.

I wish I could give you the positive change you want to see so bad...but the best I can do right now is just take a step...left, right, left right...hoping I am heading in the right way.

Things are always changing...there is beauty to behold...and we're all heading in some direction, there is confusion...I'm so tired.

Maybe I am getting better...at least that would explain why I am sleeping so much lately...just the pain is still worrisome.

Maybe the doctors can fix my body...maybe even bits of my mind too...it's just between the Great Physician and myself to do some needed work on spirit improvement...walking forward and not holding back...being terrified of change and of the past.

Things are so vivid...so ever changing.
I want, need, hope...so desperately...
Everything human...

Words fail me.
As of late they often have...

Peace tomorrow, maybe the sun will rise on churches and inspire new hope.
The energy drain of the humidity and heat may be going...coolness is a welcome change.

Fall is my season, the season of change, where things become brown and colored and colder and darker.

October, November, December...such hope for you all this year...

Hope.
Hope?
Hope.

"How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here. "

Quote of the Day:

"God is not proud...He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him."
-C.S. Lewis

Psalm 124

"What if the Lord had not been on our side?
Let all Israel repeat:
What if the Lord had not been on our side
when people attacked us?
They would have swallowed us alive
in their burning anger.
The waters would have engulfed us;
a torrent would have overwhelmed us.
Yes, the raging waters of their fury
would have overwhelmed our very lives.

Praise the Lord,
who did not let their teeth tear us apart!
We escaped like a bird from a hunter’s trap.
The trap is broken, and we are free!
Our help is from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth."
-Psalm 124:1-8


It is nice to breath.
To have a cup of tea.
I am alive.
Here for the moment and soon to be gone.
Beauty that lasts from moment to moment,
hope that will live on beyond the fragile.

This personality, this soul
the need to feel and breath
leap and bound
from moment to moment
will stretch from now until forever
eternally laid out before Love
in such unknowable
vivid tones and colors.

Here now,
gone and soon.
But beauty while it lasts
as it evolves
and becomes more than it would have been
in any other form or sense.


Thank you for loving me in spite of my insanity and faulty ways...of carrying me when I'm too tired to do anything except be in pain...thank you for loving me as me...loving me enough to never leave me just as I am...but wanting me to improve, to grow and transform into who I can be.

So much I know so little I do know
but I do know love
feel it so vividly
even when I hurt
and in the ache
and longing for you.

Eternal longings,
just to blend from now
into you
soul and soul entwined
and forever together
never to be gone again.

Hope beyond hope.
Such beauty
such need.

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

Sometimes...I just...

Hopeful confusion?
Is that a legitimate state of mind?

...you know it is going to be a long day when the books you are reading have an introduction to the introduction in order to explain the reason why/for/how of the existence of an introduction to begin with in the first place.

Oie zay.

My soul feels a tad dingy...a bit dirty and needs to be cleaned off.
It's been sitting outside in the dirt for a little too long and needs to be shaken off before being allowed to come inside and play.

I guess part of the problem is my ability to see most black and white issues in various shades of gray and to know that no one is really the villain...as much as we all are just broken and confused people wandering around this triage unit called life.

That isn't to shirk responsibilities as much as it is just to say we are all equally dependent on some measure of grace to be able to breath and reach some sort of place where we can stop and have some juice to drink.

I guess that might be an appropriate metaphor for life.
We all are really just broken and wounded people walking around a sick bay with an opportunity to help those with the same injuries and pain we have experienced and dealt with...hmm...sometimes life is too real and too vivid for life.