Quote of the Day:

“At the Day of Judgment, we shall not be asked what we have read, but what we have done”
-Thomas Kempis

"That old saw about "to understand all is to forgive all" is a lot of tripe. Some things, the more you understand the more you loathe them."
-Robert A. Heinlein

The question is...do I posses the spiritual fortitude, the mental desire...the choice of heart...to ignore my personal bias and reach forth to understand?

Psalm 108

"Have you rejected us, O God?
Will you no longer march with our armies?
Oh, please help us against our enemies,
for all human help is useless.
With God’s help we will do mighty things,
for he will trample down our foes."

-Psalm 108:11-13


So much thought, so much processing of useless emotional baggage that keeps trying to claw it's way back into my life...so many useless feelings of trepidation...so many moments of bitter regret...memories, jagged and fuzzy...memories...memories...more focused...

I have enemies at the gate.
I feel the pain, my nerves are alight with pain...nausea courses through my stomach and my throat...bile barely held back...food is a silly notion when all I can do is just keep liquids down.

I ache.
I hurt.
I am tired of aching and hurting.
I am so tired of being sick.
I am sick.

Is this for sin?
Some moral lapse?
Some not yet confessed pain I have caused?

Or is it the enemy?
Just pain to cause laughter amongst the darkness?

Right now...this moment...I don't want to praise.
I don't want to worship.
I want to scream because of how much PAIN I am in right now.

God...I just feel so alone...I am moving about, I am taking care of things and doing everything I am suppose to...and yet...there is the pain, this sickness, this nausea...this agony that I can't escape from.

No human can fix me, I have given up completely of human medicine...I am hurting, I am aching...I don't know what I can do except fall down again and hope.


Am I going to live with this the rest of my life?
Only getting worse?
Sometimes I wish you wouldn't have called me...wouldn't have found me worthy of this attention...because the pain is so overwhelming and I rarely know how to function when it gets like this.

I suppose the plus side is that I am not trapped in a hotel room in southern China like that mission trip...

I feel so small.
So insignificant...I am not even an insect compared to you...and still you bother with me...you love me, you care about me and I don't understand...I don't know why...I have to ask...because of the pain, because of not knowing...




Must I wait the rest of my life to see you, my Love?
Will my body continue to decay and break down...and must I endure so much more pain before being free to see you face to face?
I know I am not yet ready...but I still long to see you face to face...to feel your hands on my shoulder and know that I wasn't just a screw up...that you will love me now and into eternity...

I have so many doubts, so many fears.
Please calm the storm inside my heart.
Speak, say 'Peace and be still.' to the Hell inside of me.
Please.
I can't handle this on my own.
I can't stand up, I can't walk...I can't focus...I need you.
I need you.
So much.


"As i lay me down
Where do i begin
So simply complicated
The voice within

I hear it singing so clear
Invisible like the sound of the wind
We all know
You are there

I just believe
I just believe it
And sometimes i dunno why
I gotta go with my gut again on this one

Not just a feeling
It's the reason
We know a line is crooked
`cause we know what's true
That little voice inside

As i lay me down
I confess
I'm a fool for you
No more, no less

And in this world turning gray
Strikes a chord when i say
There is black
There is white
There is wrong
And there is right"

Blargh.
Why do I worry so much?
It's not like I need the additional reasons to be nauseated...

"That's okay because I was never home anyway
So now everyone's evolving and I am just the same
As I was ten years ago, but I don't know
Maybe a simple life is more the way to go
Yeah, but then again, I’m mostly all alone

Coz the older I get
Well the more that life is making sense
And it's similar to traffic or being president
'Cause I’m not the one in control
You grab a hold
I'm just a hammer helping to nail the future down
But it's getting hard making my friends leave town

But maybe I missed the nose right on my face
For what's just past it
And maybe I have the gift that everyone speaks so highly of
Funny how nobody wants it"

So tired of pain.
*sigh*

Plus side classes start soon...distractions are good.

Strange.

I don't think I did something...stress factors...

Hrmm...

I need to continue this trend of being incredibly outspoken.
It is nice to not be trapped by being so timid that I loose my personality and become a doormat.

I...am...really tired of being in pain...and being sick...yeah really tired of it.

Psalm 107

"Has the Lord redeemed you? Then speak out!
Tell others he has redeemed you from your enemies.
For he has gathered the exiles from many lands,
from east and west,
from north and south."
-Psalm 107:2-3

Quote of the Day:

“It is no use walking anywhere to preach unless our walking is our preaching.”
-St. Francis of Assisi

I sometimes wonder if it is silly...silly that I want to learn to love others with the same reckless abandonment of Jesus.

Even those who have caused damage to my soul.
Even those who hurt my beloved.
Even those who prey on the innocent.

Those who I judge as being inferior and unworthy of love are the ones I want to learn how to love the most because Jesus died for them just as much as he did for me...and loves them, even though they may never hope to believe he does.

What little I understand...that I can grasp...I am fumbling and dropping the ball, failing and making mistakes...I am on the right path...I have forgot what peace beyond understanding is like.

Everything, yeah everything...it's going to be okay.
Peace in this eternity.

"How long can I listen to the lies of prejudice?
How long can I stay drunk on fear out in the wilderness?
Can I cast it aside, all this loyalty and this pride?
Will I ever learn that there'll be no peace, that the war won't cease
Until He returns?"

Hrmm...I dare say some people are making it their mission to ensure I fail at this whole pacifism thing...

Psalm 104

"Let all sinners vanish from the face of the earth;
let the wicked disappear forever.
Let all that I am praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord!"
-104:35

o_O

"See the ships sailing along, and Leviathan, which you made to play in the sea."
-Psalm 104:26

I just got a mental image of a sea monster frolicking about the ocean.
I will never look at the Leviathan summon from Final Fantasy the same way again...

Reflection of Images

I never knew there was so much strength to be found in surrender...in embracing that which seem weakest and letting it influence and shape me.

Such hope, such love...never could I have dreamed or hope for this to be as real...and as true as it is.

Reflections in the water...showing a glimpse of your face...and I see a smile.

Imago Dei my beloved, Imago Dei.

"Moment of Surrender" - U2

Psalm 102

"But you, O Lord, will sit on your throne forever.
Your fame will endure to every generation.
You will arise and have mercy on Jerusalem —
and now is the time to pity her,
now is the time you promised to help."
-Psalm 102:12-13

What sort of God are you that you listen to us?
Like Abraham being an arbiter for Sodom and Gomorrah before you...instead of destroying him you were pleased that someone cared enough to stand up for the innocent and even the wicked.

Just as Job cried out for a messiah he didn't know was to come...I have to cry out to you in brokenness, feeling as though the decay of my soul is never going to end...

I want to know you, know you even more intimately and feel your love.
I want to be close, closer than ever so I can hear your heartbeat.
Nothing in this world can captivate me like you do.
Even the beauty I see and I feel...my beloved you have for some reason entrusted near me...your love is so intoxicating...

Seeing such beauty reflected...I just don't know...I will never be able to understand you and yet I still want to try.
I want to know, I want to be close...closer than touching...

It feels lame at times...but it's the truth...

"I don't know
I don't know which side I'm on
I don't know my right from left
Or my right from wrong
They say I'm a fool
They say I'm nothing
But if I'm a fool for you
Oh, that's something"

Oie.

Whatever and ever I suppose.

I do not understand the purpose of drinking alcohol or even smoking for that matter.
Why is beer legal and cocaine illegal?
Both are incredibly stupid means of accomplishing nothing except hurting people.

But what do I know?

I just wish people would be nice to each other and I could actually find sleep at night.

"Sometimes I feel like I don't know
Sometimes I feel like checking out
I wanna get it wrong
Can't always be strong
And love it won't be long"

Psalm 100

"Acknowledge that the Lord is God!
He made us, and we are his.
We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving;
go into his courts with praise.
Give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the Lord is good.
His unfailing love continues forever,
and his faithfulness continues to each generation."
-Psalm 100:3-5


Safe...certainly not...yet you are good, oh so wonderful...beautiful beyond my simple mind and lack of understanding.

I keep running, keep fleeing in the other direction...from you, from your love...from your grace...from everything good that you have given me...and you patiently come to me...hold me, love me, treasure me...and tell me again and again that I am yours, that you love me, that you will never leave or forsake me...

It always makes me want to cry in shame.
For not being good enough.
For being too dirty to be loved.

But still...you persist, you wipe away my tears and tell me I am beautiful, that I can be whole...that I can become a son...and just...

What can I say to that?
To this holiness?
To this goodness?
What words can I offer to you?
My tongue is lame and dead
I am struck dumb
and I just can hope you love me all the same.

Thank you, thank you.
Oh Lover of my soul
thank you for this grace.
Thank you for friends, family
and given me my beloved.

Thank you for such constant love and grace
how can I ever say thank you enough?
Even in the times of my body and soul
being wracked with pain
You have never left my side,
my glorious and beautiful one
thank you.

"We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight."

Trioblóid

I hate how oversensitive I am.
I can't stand it.
I am angry at myself for being upset over such insignificant little trifles.
This...this weakness, this exposing myself and letting tiny particles in between the rusted armor around this broken heart...they get in deep and won't leave.

I just...need to get outside more.
See the sunlight.
I've been by myself for almost a week after being drunk off the intoxicating liquor of love, of closeness...of feeling what it is like to no longer be alone...

The Dark...the shade which inhabits my soul...infects my body and pushes into my mind...it loves this pain. It finds excuse to lure me deep into myself so I can leave everyone and everything...just push away and grow further introverted, further from You and my beloved...and what...and why?

Adam and Eve ran and his when they sinned and as a byproduct recognized they were exposed to the world...the innocence was lost, they knew no needs and were complete...and that sin entered in and introduced just a single unexpected factor and screws up so much.

All of this discontent, fear, anger, displacement...all of these base and raw emotions I hate...I am afraid of...I can't stand...I fear.

I love you, I hate you.
Both in the same breath.
I never asked for this life
and woke up one day
to find demands
and pain screaming through my soul.

I never would have picked this life
because of the pain I have faced
but then again,
I never would have seen this beauty
or be the person I am.
Where would she have been
without your guidance
and your boundless grace?
Would we have met even?


I'm silly to fall into circles I have already been out of.
Trouble, so much trouble.
Yet...there is still love...even for when my faith is so weak.
I still have so much further to go...before...