I have forgotten how much I really dislike this day...

Quote of the Day:

"Christians are all wounded healers-wandering sheep who are now shepherds. We are fish who are now fishermen and fisherwomen. We are the cracked, broken and chipped bricks of the house of God that now form a cathedral-little shards of tile and glass that fit into a larger mosaic."
-Mike Sares

Psalm 49

"Yet they cannot redeem themselves from death
by paying a ransom to God.
Redemption does not come so easily,
for no one can ever pay enough
to live forever
and never see the grave."
-Psalm 49:7-9


There is so much in life that I do not understand...and I am no longer sure I want to understand...there is no comfort in knowledge, no redemption or love to be found. Knowledge itself can be so dangerous...so misguiding without love.

I'm not sure I can find my way in this world...I am not even sure what it is I have been getting to angry about, fighting about, fighting for...I am just...tired of beating myself with every self-righteous reason just to find myself still apart from You.

I am tired of trying to find happiness on my own...apart from You, apart from any real meaning...I want...God I need the strength to stand and walk away from everything that isn't true.


Your Love is the only thing I can believe, the only thing I can trust in to be consistent. This beauty...this wonder...this inescapable wonder that seizes me whenever You draw near...

I need Your love and grace like I need oxygen...it brings my soul back to life...it revives these decaying bones and reminds me what it truly to live and die. I want to hunger and thirst for the righteousness found in the gospel...and to have the desire to share this love with all.

After all, what is there to life...if I am simply going to lay here and die?
Was I born to merely lay here and suffer?
Or is it possible the agony that rips through me is meant to break me so I can be reforged, refocused and brought to a higher purpose?

It is too easy to hear what I want to hear while reading Your Word...teach me truth so I may live it and carry it in my soul.


"I've grown tired of chasing
Convinced I was in need
And now the years I've spent
Only a slave to this
Tomorrow will fall
And today is already gone
I will no longer adore
These things that will never satisfy me

I have seen my world change
And then go back to where it came
In this vicious cycle
We are brought back to like
Only to die again
But without these barren obsessions
I am simply free"

It is daytime.
There is a sun up.
Stuff is going on.
Life and life.

Two weeks of nothing...God I'm sad to keep track of that.
And...

I'm just too tired to bother with crying right now.
I think I can settle for a sigh and a prayer.

I really have the urge to climb up and sit on the roof of the house despite the strong winds, torrential downpour of rain and the incredibly close bursts of lightning.

The feeling of the storm pushing, pulling and tearing against me might snap me back to reality.

I am sick to death of what feels like this falseness coating me and those I share this trip of life with.

Am I a leper?
How about scum?
Am I the villain?

I am just me.

The voice of darkness screams out to hate myself, to destroy me, to cut into myself, to rip myself apart and die in shame.

I am sick of living in the shadows of worry of the thoughts of everyone else, thoughts that do nothing but pave the way to destruction.

I want to just be me...whoever that really is.

People do define...but they can't be the only means thereof.

In the end no one else will take care of me when the world comes crashing down.

Explosion.

Ack.

Psalm 48

"How great is the Lord
how deserving of praise,
in the city of our God,
which sits on his holy mountain!"
-Psalm 48:1

The last thing on my mind right now is how great, how wonderful and how praise worthy You are. I'm upset, I'm weak, I'm exhausted, I'm needy...is that some sort of theme?

I complain, whine, throw tantrums...I yell, get mad, pretend I know what is going on.

There are so many words thrown around while I like to pretend I am somehow profound.

You are the great equalizer...we're all on the same field when we are before You.
I am small...but want to learn to love...to trust.

I do not want to just fall into despair and the dark ocean of apathy...I want to float about this and feel what it means to be alive...and feel...and love...

Why...just...why?

Please...say something?
I feel like I'm going insane from the silence...

Oie.

Psalm 47

"He chose the Promised Land as our inheritance,
the proud possession of Jacob’s descendants, whom he loves."
-Psalm 47:4

Reading through the Psalms...is sort of frustrating.
I feel even more obligated to praise You...even when I do not want to.
Is that horrible?

I just...wish I was not hurting, aching, feeling melancholy and sad over losses...

Yet...You know what YOU are doing...I have on clue as to what is going on...or what it even means to show love. I am shallow, so short sighted, so self obsessed and apathetic towards those in need of help...but You are beautiful and still making me beautiful.

You have always known my broken nature and every drop of sin permeating my soul..and yet there is love. Such endless beauty, grace that pierces this heart of stone...to say thank You feels like such an incredible understatement to One as magnificent as You.

Thank You for making me, for having a plan for my life...that this is not just a random collision of cause and effect...but that Love is the overarching theme...as painful and impossible to understand as that truly is.

More than a plot of land...You have a place for me...I want and need Your rest so very much...not just being pleased with the little drops that life gives then takes away...but the peace that comes only from Your grace.

You see the hollowness in my heart and have made me lovable...help me to show that love to You and others...I want to be faithful at the task before me. No matter the pain, the fear or how the end shall come...help me to not just endure but overcome.

Please.



"This vacant emptiness,
this hollow is eating
stabs through my side like thorns, so defeating
The glint of gold, sparks of silver, shining
the slightest breath of why we're pining
We take the crumbs like our hearts are at peace
We are far too easily pleased

Quicksilver, quicksilver
Shadows dodge and fade
something less than why we're made

I need this burning inside me
this brilliant aura, this electricity
I'm being haunted by specters of what might be
of imperfections, of nearness to beauty
As life butchers, so sweet yet so sickening
we have betrayed, for each tiny flickering"

Turns out I'm a narcissist!
Hooray!

I could lie and say a simple hi would suffice...but it would never be quite enough...

Oh well...still praying for some true resolution outside of simply awaiting the end of this age.

I think my head will explode from stress.

Yup.

Seems that way.

Now to walk over and clean some more dishes while whistling cheerfully.

Late Morning Musings

Living here with John, Josh and Carrie has been one of the best decisions I have ever made...I don't sleep well, there is almost always a huge pile of dishes, there is relationship drama...but there is actual love and caring.

Being able to pause and pray with them, having them ask if I am okay, being able to work together to clean or make shadow puppets with the power goes out...it's just the best elements of being at school...right here.

I can be a crabby person when I don't have enough 'me' time...but loosing that isn't such a bad thing...being free to love means giving up my idolatrous habits of worshiping me. I'm the one who kept going on about how Tolstoy writing about Christian communes is the most God honoring way to live...giving up life being about me is the best effort I can make.

I am ready to try and step out into the sun and walk a little...baby steps maybe...but I want to be as genuine as I can.

No more shadows...just sunlight that starts to burn away the parts of me that need to finally go...growing up means change...maybe I am just about ready to try being an adult...


My only regret is not having a Muse...and maybe never have that one...again. But once again...You know what You are doing...this isn't about what I want and need...as much as showing You are sufficient with my love and lifestyle...God what a change...

What a change.

That is the single most vivid nightmare I have ever had.

God...wow.

It's nice.
Very nice.

Psalm 45

"Beautiful words stir my heart.
I will recite a lovely poem about the king,
for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet."
-Psalm 45:1


I really, really, really do not feel like saying anything positive or pray...or just anything really productive right now. I would much rather say or do something ridiculously stupid or angry.

I am in physical pain...I've sort of hit a threshold of being able to cope with the pain...but more so...I just am so tired and wish I could just...find a place that was quite and absent of people. I really miss having a room to myself on campus...I could see people and mostly find people if I wanted...but...I know there is so much else that is going on in the world which is horrible and my complaints are stupid...but I just wish...


I miss you.
And You.
I want to be strong...but the ironic thing is that by breaking down...giving up...admitting I cannot handle this...is the only thing I can do.

I am so tired, angry, bitter, upset, exhausted, ready to go Home and be rid of this...but I am here for a reason...I don't know why...but You are beautiful and wonderful...so beyond me.

Just help me...peel back the layers of angry bitterness...built up resentment and ultimately just...fear.

You know?

I want to move forward...wherever that may be...

Wisdom of the Day:

Matt: "Eventually life gets to a point to where it is so bad that it is not actually bad anymore."

John: "Damn you and your Freudian thoughts."

"Nothing can stop me now
I don't care anymore
Nothing can stop me now
I just don't care
Nothing can stop me now
You don't need me anymore"

Hmm...I do take this to mean the Wastelands are calling...

Considering how everything is going...that wasn't totally unexpected...but as callous as this sounds I have more important things to deal with at this moment.

The terrible poetry will follow at some later date...for now I have research for school, for science and for my personal walk to focus on.

I have no clue where I am going...but despite how unloving, apathetic and how much of a mercenary I am...I have a God that sees something worth redeeming in me and using.

Thanks again.

Sort of what I had assumed anyway...