I really have the urge to climb up and sit on the roof of the house despite the strong winds, torrential downpour of rain and the incredibly close bursts of lightning.

The feeling of the storm pushing, pulling and tearing against me might snap me back to reality.

I am sick to death of what feels like this falseness coating me and those I share this trip of life with.

Am I a leper?
How about scum?
Am I the villain?

I am just me.

The voice of darkness screams out to hate myself, to destroy me, to cut into myself, to rip myself apart and die in shame.

I am sick of living in the shadows of worry of the thoughts of everyone else, thoughts that do nothing but pave the way to destruction.

I want to just be me...whoever that really is.

People do define...but they can't be the only means thereof.

In the end no one else will take care of me when the world comes crashing down.

Explosion.

Ack.

Psalm 48

"How great is the Lord
how deserving of praise,
in the city of our God,
which sits on his holy mountain!"
-Psalm 48:1

The last thing on my mind right now is how great, how wonderful and how praise worthy You are. I'm upset, I'm weak, I'm exhausted, I'm needy...is that some sort of theme?

I complain, whine, throw tantrums...I yell, get mad, pretend I know what is going on.

There are so many words thrown around while I like to pretend I am somehow profound.

You are the great equalizer...we're all on the same field when we are before You.
I am small...but want to learn to love...to trust.

I do not want to just fall into despair and the dark ocean of apathy...I want to float about this and feel what it means to be alive...and feel...and love...

Why...just...why?

Please...say something?
I feel like I'm going insane from the silence...

Oie.

Psalm 47

"He chose the Promised Land as our inheritance,
the proud possession of Jacob’s descendants, whom he loves."
-Psalm 47:4

Reading through the Psalms...is sort of frustrating.
I feel even more obligated to praise You...even when I do not want to.
Is that horrible?

I just...wish I was not hurting, aching, feeling melancholy and sad over losses...

Yet...You know what YOU are doing...I have on clue as to what is going on...or what it even means to show love. I am shallow, so short sighted, so self obsessed and apathetic towards those in need of help...but You are beautiful and still making me beautiful.

You have always known my broken nature and every drop of sin permeating my soul..and yet there is love. Such endless beauty, grace that pierces this heart of stone...to say thank You feels like such an incredible understatement to One as magnificent as You.

Thank You for making me, for having a plan for my life...that this is not just a random collision of cause and effect...but that Love is the overarching theme...as painful and impossible to understand as that truly is.

More than a plot of land...You have a place for me...I want and need Your rest so very much...not just being pleased with the little drops that life gives then takes away...but the peace that comes only from Your grace.

You see the hollowness in my heart and have made me lovable...help me to show that love to You and others...I want to be faithful at the task before me. No matter the pain, the fear or how the end shall come...help me to not just endure but overcome.

Please.



"This vacant emptiness,
this hollow is eating
stabs through my side like thorns, so defeating
The glint of gold, sparks of silver, shining
the slightest breath of why we're pining
We take the crumbs like our hearts are at peace
We are far too easily pleased

Quicksilver, quicksilver
Shadows dodge and fade
something less than why we're made

I need this burning inside me
this brilliant aura, this electricity
I'm being haunted by specters of what might be
of imperfections, of nearness to beauty
As life butchers, so sweet yet so sickening
we have betrayed, for each tiny flickering"

Turns out I'm a narcissist!
Hooray!

I could lie and say a simple hi would suffice...but it would never be quite enough...

Oh well...still praying for some true resolution outside of simply awaiting the end of this age.

I think my head will explode from stress.

Yup.

Seems that way.

Now to walk over and clean some more dishes while whistling cheerfully.

Late Morning Musings

Living here with John, Josh and Carrie has been one of the best decisions I have ever made...I don't sleep well, there is almost always a huge pile of dishes, there is relationship drama...but there is actual love and caring.

Being able to pause and pray with them, having them ask if I am okay, being able to work together to clean or make shadow puppets with the power goes out...it's just the best elements of being at school...right here.

I can be a crabby person when I don't have enough 'me' time...but loosing that isn't such a bad thing...being free to love means giving up my idolatrous habits of worshiping me. I'm the one who kept going on about how Tolstoy writing about Christian communes is the most God honoring way to live...giving up life being about me is the best effort I can make.

I am ready to try and step out into the sun and walk a little...baby steps maybe...but I want to be as genuine as I can.

No more shadows...just sunlight that starts to burn away the parts of me that need to finally go...growing up means change...maybe I am just about ready to try being an adult...


My only regret is not having a Muse...and maybe never have that one...again. But once again...You know what You are doing...this isn't about what I want and need...as much as showing You are sufficient with my love and lifestyle...God what a change...

What a change.

That is the single most vivid nightmare I have ever had.

God...wow.

It's nice.
Very nice.

Psalm 45

"Beautiful words stir my heart.
I will recite a lovely poem about the king,
for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet."
-Psalm 45:1


I really, really, really do not feel like saying anything positive or pray...or just anything really productive right now. I would much rather say or do something ridiculously stupid or angry.

I am in physical pain...I've sort of hit a threshold of being able to cope with the pain...but more so...I just am so tired and wish I could just...find a place that was quite and absent of people. I really miss having a room to myself on campus...I could see people and mostly find people if I wanted...but...I know there is so much else that is going on in the world which is horrible and my complaints are stupid...but I just wish...


I miss you.
And You.
I want to be strong...but the ironic thing is that by breaking down...giving up...admitting I cannot handle this...is the only thing I can do.

I am so tired, angry, bitter, upset, exhausted, ready to go Home and be rid of this...but I am here for a reason...I don't know why...but You are beautiful and wonderful...so beyond me.

Just help me...peel back the layers of angry bitterness...built up resentment and ultimately just...fear.

You know?

I want to move forward...wherever that may be...

Wisdom of the Day:

Matt: "Eventually life gets to a point to where it is so bad that it is not actually bad anymore."

John: "Damn you and your Freudian thoughts."

"Nothing can stop me now
I don't care anymore
Nothing can stop me now
I just don't care
Nothing can stop me now
You don't need me anymore"

Hmm...I do take this to mean the Wastelands are calling...

Considering how everything is going...that wasn't totally unexpected...but as callous as this sounds I have more important things to deal with at this moment.

The terrible poetry will follow at some later date...for now I have research for school, for science and for my personal walk to focus on.

I have no clue where I am going...but despite how unloving, apathetic and how much of a mercenary I am...I have a God that sees something worth redeeming in me and using.

Thanks again.

Sort of what I had assumed anyway...

Wow...that was senselessly melodramatic.
I just haven't slept in a while.
Close to a day and a half.

I can feel my chest starting to collapse from the failed efforts of an exhausted heart.

It may have been stupid to even try but I REFUSE to believe that hoping was in and of itself stupid.

That was the old me.

He is dead.

I will hope, I will dare to dream and even if it doesn't happen now...one day when everything is made new...I'll see you.

Psalm 43

"For you are God, my only safe haven.
Why have you tossed me aside?
Why must I wander around in grief,
oppressed by my enemies?
Send out your light and your truth;
let them guide me.
Let them lead me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you live."
-Psalm 43:1-2



I really am at a loss for words...I am so tired of life, living here, being around myself, being around others, seeing the hurting, feeling their pain, feeling my pain, people needing me to help them, needing to help others...I just need to breath.

It's so hard to even know what to say, what to pray for, what to hope for...I just can't stand things right now...I want to love You, I want to serve You...but I don't know how...I feel like I screw everything up.

I hate going to church, I hate everything about it right now...I can't stand the music, hearing preaching of Your word...it's only recently that I actually started trying to read the Bible again...why am I so screwed up?

I hate being cynical, not trusting people, hurting others, causing people pain...I just want to run to You and hide there and never look back here again. Please lift this pain, these giant weights crushing me down...I can't carry this...I can't save others and I will never save myself...please love me even though I am so set on my ways.

I am too exhausted to walk or think...please, please...carry me.
Wipe away these tears and teach me how to love again...

Just carry me away, take me to your side and I never want to return.
I ask...and ask...but I am still here.
Please let me feel Your presence and love overflowing again...how long must I wander through this desert, this damn wilderness? How much longer will I have to wait to be delivered?

"The gate to my heart has been weld shut
with the splendor of my aspirations closed in
how many years have we waited
for a ship that never set sail?
And how many days have we wasted
chasing a love that was not our own?

Is this your salvation?
Is this all you can give?
I will not stand in reflection
of someone else's dream"

It seems the less sleep I get the more vivid my nightmares become...
I live in fear of the day that they all might come to fruition.