Psalm 37

"Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes."
-Psalm 37:7


I don't know how to be still.
My mind never shuts off.
My feet and hands shake all the time when I sit down.
I am ridiculously jittery.
I over think.
I do not know how to just be.

Why doth I, such a fleeting insect seek to steer One so immeasurable and impossible? You are so beyond me, that the merest comprehension proves impossible..and yet...You still love me.

Love me.

You are so beautiful, so wonderful...so beyond my comprehension.
Those that hurt me, wish me harm, want me dead, who think I am nothing but scum...You love them as well.

You bled and died on a cross for me and them.

I try to win useless fights while You just want me to sit under Your wings and soak in Your love and grace while You teach me what grace really is.


I just...want to love and be loved.
I want the pain in my body, soul and heart to reduce and be healed so I can love and love again and love truly.

Please...help me grow from this pain...and just...
...You know...only You know.

I would like to scream right now.
Preferably with a lot of profanities while jumping around the room kicking stuff and screaming about why life is hardly fair at all.

*sigh*

God.

Creed is officially marketing itself as a Christian band now?
I wish Hell would stop freezing over already...

Quote of the Day:

"In Love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve."
—Brennan Manning

Nothing

Once again I find myself in a place where words have no meaning and are pointless.

I will wear it because I need a reminder laced with nihilistic tendencies.

Feelings?
Emotions?
No...I can't afford such things.
Just revisits of medication and pained expressions.

Is my life a lie?
I just never say what I feel.
It's all a clever self-righteous display
of discreet misdirection.

Burying as I always will.
The obnoxious thing is I would only talk to you about this kind of thing.

I don't know if I am hungry.
Am I just sick again?
Damn this useless body.
I hate it almost as much as me.

Maybe.
Maybe not.

I'm in a place where words are no longer real.

There is no rest.

None could understand except those already here...yet...

Pain reveals and lifts off the scales of pretension.
I hate what I see.
I despise everything within me.
The coward, the shadow and shade.
Mercenary, fiend and bastard child.

Thoughts...just...

Part of me speaks of inevitability
and perverse joy in being proven right.
The same sort of broken faith
as held before.


I just feel teeth cutting into my soul
and hope I can just disregard everything.
Unhealthy lies.
I just want to stop.
But there is this storm of everything to not do.

The greatest temptation is death by apathy
and allowing everything to atrophied
but this stupid faith won't let me.
The One I keep crying, praying and asking from
will not let me lay here in pain and be.
It wasn't enough my body hurts
and my soul cries out as well
but now...now what?

I don't care.
Yes the view is nice.
I appreciate You taking the time
but when it daily feels like
my body and soul are bathed with Hell,
could You please excuse me
from caring about the sunrise?

I better understand why people go to their madness
and drink it
and cast away everything for it.

I feel anger as much as just this stupid pining.
Being human is so repulsively frustrating.

What is...
Why...
Relentless questions with no answer.
No plausible notion
because it simply is.

I wish I was strong enough to just erase all this.
It brings nothing positive affront.
Just more useless meanderings
pointing in another direction
while I slip off into the night
hoping to not be followed.

Looks like it's going to be a Nine Inch Nails kind of night...

Psalm 36

"How precious is your unfailing love, O God!
All humanity finds shelter
in the shadow of your wings."
-Psalm 36:7

With all the pain, hate, anger, hurting and fear floating around this Hellish nightmare landscape...I'm sorry I forget about this love...this compassion You have for others. I don't understand but that does not excuse apathy and ignoring other people's pain because of apathy.

I never thought I would be back in Mobile or stuck here as long as I have and am going to be...yet You knew about this. You knew about me living in this house, those I would meet, the friends I would bump into last night, the conversations I would have today.

Is there a purpose and plan in this growing disaster?
I pray, I ache, my soul cries out for others and myself...and so often it feels like just...maybe...it's all in vain.

And...yet, Your love is still here...even when I want to doubt and no longer believe.
This doubt feels like it covers my skin...like a second coating of sin that tries to burrow under my flesh and slide into my soul. I feel infected with apathy and a lack of concern for the world.

I don't want to be You...but I want to feel your love and compassion and carry that to those I know and do not know. I do not need a bigger ego...just a bigger capacity for love and wanting to help others.



I need You here right now...just as badly as the others need You right now...in such a vivid and true way. Not just words or a feeling...but You like only You can do. No matter what happens I need to believe that at the end of this day Your love still remains for a faithless fiend like me...that no matter how much more pain I cause and how deep I try to dig this hole...Your love will win out over this Hell.

Teach me to truly pray.
For my words are naught more than worthless garbage.

"I speak religion's message clear
and I control you
I am denial guilt and fear
and I control you
I am the prayers of the naive
and I control you
I am the lie that you believe
and I control you
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down I use you up
Mr. Self-destruct"

I don't really know what I was expecting...but yeah.
Hoping it may have just been a bad dream...but it's not the end of the world.
Just a bit more confusion and pain for today...

Luckily there is grace.
And hope.
Endless hope.

I somehow feel even more sick.
Worry as well.

Somehow every decision is wrong...

Quote of the Day:

"Men do not differ much about what things they will call evils; they differ enormously about what evils they will call excusable."
-G.K. Chesterton

I am so exhausted...and in so much pain.
Wow.

So much...so much.

But...can't stop now...

Quote of the Day:

"If knowing answers to life's questions is absolutely necessary to you, then forget the journey. You will never make it, for this is a journey of unknowable - of unanswered questions, enigmas, incomprehensibles, and, most of all, things unfair."
-Jeanne Guyon

Psalm 34

"The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.
He rescues them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."
-Psalm 34:17-18



"Your wings are holding up the sky
Dear God, I dreamt that I could fly

When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride

I am the worst of all things here
My crooked, black, and lying heart still spits its bitter fear
And each and every sparrow
They flutter to the ground before they die
So please God don't forget me

See from His head, His hands, His feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?
To Christ, who won for sinners' grace
By bitter grief and anguish sore
Be praise from all the ransomed race
Forever and forevermore"




Your cross.
Your love.
My words are empty.
My heart is broken.
Abba.
Father.
How can You love one such as me?

Thank you for your grace, for my friends and the faith family shielding me...thank you for letting me be here in this moment...the pain is so much but thank you Father.
Thank you for the good, the bad and horrible...thank you for those who love me and have carried me this far...please help me return their love a thousand fold.

Thank you.

My tears, prayers and work will never be enough...so help me learn how to rest and let things be and worship You.

Thank you.
Thank you.

"The Beginning" -Showbread

Quote of the Day:

"Accepting the reality of our sinfulness means accepting our authentic self. Judas could not face his shadow; Peter could. The latter befriended the impostor within; the former raged against him."
—Brennan Manning

"Incandescent moon is shining
Just for you tonight
Shimmering a golden halo
Does it follow just beyond your sight?
Sigh
You're an angel
Wanting wings for flight
Tonight
Baby's breath in the waxing light
Glassy seas of blue
I will dream of you."

Reliving

Memories following translucent thoughts
that make their own path
to where my heart
is conveniently located on my sleeve.

Reality isn't quite what I thought it would be
but life is so much more beautiful
than I could have hoped to have seen.

Broken words,
shattered promises
occupy these twisted lanes
that lead me to life
and the light
at the foot of Your cross.

There is life returning
to these broken limbs
and shattered bones,
I am beginning to feel alive
as I wait and pray.

I want to feel this hope
and refuse to be victimized
by my senselessness
and hopeless disregard.

Hope.
Beautiful hope.
You are still alive.

Psalm 33

"For the word of the Lord holds true,
and we can trust everything he does.
He loves whatever is just and good;
the unfailing love of the Lord fills the earth."
-Psalm 33:1-2


Trust...love.

Such two loaded words that I am unsure about.
You need both for the either to exist.

I mention so often about how I desperately want to be faithful...but faithful to whom? About what?
Why is it so easy for my heart to be swayed and distracted from You?

I want...to love.
I want to care.

What is it going to take for me to be faithful?
For me to trust?
Completely?
What will it take for me to let go and let You be?

When there is so much Hell present in this world, so many hurting, so much ache...can you help me believe Your love is here?

I have felt it burning inside of me I know you care...I know You are here...just please help me believe. Help my stagnant and apathetic heart...break me, love me...just as You have. Reassure this flippant heart that You are You.

Thank you.
Have I said that recently?
Thank you.
For everything good and bad that has happened in my life, thank you.
Please help me to be more...of myself.
To let go and simply be.

Thank you.

Quote of the Day:

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
-Howard Thurman

I'm so out of it.
I don't know...

Muse fire to my soul.

Quote of the Day:

"Quia amasti me, fecisti me amabilem."
-Augustine

I'm looking at being dangerously optimistic today...