"The Jordan is waiting for me to cross through
My heart is aging I can tell
So Lord I'm begging for one last favor from You
Here's my heart take it where You will

This life has shown me how we're mended and how we're torn
How it's okay to be lonely as long as you're free
Sometimes my ground was stoney
And sometimes covered up with thorns
And only You could make it what it had to be
And now that it's done
Well, if they dressed me like a pauper
Or if they dined me like a prince
If they lay me with my fathers
Or if my ashes scatter on the wind
I don't care

But when I leave I want to go out like Elijah
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire
And when I look back on the stars
Well, It'll be like a candlelight in Central Park
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye"

Oh dear.

Quote of the Day:

“You can only come to the morning through the shadows.”
-J.R.R. Tolkien

Bleeding Sentiments

My soul, oh my soul is so exhausted.
It lays here in my sick body just broken
and crippled from fear.

Every step forward is a dance back into the night
as I strive to feel
and face to the east while daring to hope
that I might see dawn's first light.

I have held broken lies
posing as eternal truth
and spread heresy
just because it was in this season,
while really I wanted
was to feel You.

I want to feel the Love I fear
and know the eternal is near,
everything is fading and burning
but my faith will endure.

My fear is that I am but straw,
useless chafe
not even fit for the stables
of my Lord God.

The stories I weaved with my imagination
never live up to reality,
I have the audacity to cry out
when my plans fail
and I blame my Lord for the failure that is mine.
Why such indignation?
Why such futility at claiming nothing?

It was never about others
just my selfish pursuit.
I'm just a bastard child of the kingdom,
an invalid barely scraping in.
And still,
somehow
and someway
I am loved.

Despite the vile beast I am,
there is love and grace to cover
even a sinner such as I.

Such unfathomable beauty,
such eternal wonders.
My heart can never comprehend
nor give thanks enough for.
But from here until eternity
I will live
casting my words to the heavens
in praise for the Redeemer,
the Lamb and Lord.

*sigh*

I'm just too weak to do this...I can't be a minister, I can't help others...all I can do is pray and hope I survive.

I am feeling a creative megalomania spell coming on...this may not be good...

Quote of the Day:

“Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.”
-C.S. Lewis

"But in all of Israel, father did you see someone who seeks himself so perfectly,
The Pharisees would be content at the sight of me,
The snakes would wrap around me and we’d dance across the sea,
To ridicule you there and to spit upon your face,
Unsheathe this wicked tongue, and invite disgrace,
Isn’t that the goal that I’ve always pursued?
While I beg you, lord to be used for you

Under a light in Bethlehem I was sifting through the sand,
The saline burned my eyes, I was looking for your hand,
I gave up on myself, and left this pride disarmed,
I cried out “I’m alone!” and found myself in your arms

Rest in me oh my love,
I have loved you before the world began,
Rest in me oh my love,
You will never to wander too far to reach my hand,
Did they not murder you?
Did they not see you die?
Hanging on a tree as the life had left your eyes,
Did we not torture you?
Smiling as you died,
Or is it that you killed death itself, and now you are alive?"

Okay.
Thia whole dream thing is becoming silly.
I have never had consistency between two dreams before...much less months apart.
This is sort of irritating.

I would rather go back to dreaming about reading or you know...maybe dream about something fun.

But...reality is a cruel mistress.
However there is grace...and love that can cover over a multitude of sins.
No matter what happens...real, dream, visions or otherwise...there are somethings that will never change.

Love is stronger, more intoxicating and more beautiful than anything of humanity...not to discount the things here...just that...imperfection and perfection and it is much too early for me to try and put some sort of sense into these thoughts.

I'm going to eat some pop tarts and go back to bed.
I do not get paid nearly enough to deal with this sort of thought at this hour.

Ack.
Need more sleep...

Quite possibly one of the worst aspects of fibromyalgia is how it manages to rip out whatever energy I have in my body...it also manages to do this in the most excruciating way possible.

On the bright side of things...hope lives.

I am absolutely baffled as to whether or not things are shaping into good or...or better good?

I will never get used to things actually seeming to go...right.
It is scary.
I know I shouldn't treat God as this vengeful kid going after ants with a magnifying glass...but at any second everything could end...and what little joy I have can be stolen by death and disease.

It is terrifying beyond words...but I can't just live in this cave under Samford dorm forever...

Quote of the Day:

“Ceremony leads her bigots forth, prepared to fight for shadows of no worth. While truths, on which eternal things depend, can hardly find a single friend.”
-William Cowper

I hate my dreams.
They are so often...nightmares.
God...why?

Is it too much to ask for a peaceful night's sleep?
Reality is painful enough without having...reminders of what I will never have...never see...never feel...just having it shoved into my face like that?

*sigh*

I am feeling a serious amount of vindictive rage towards those "Christians" who seek to make those with a past feel inferior...as though they are somehow NOT human.

God help me grow in grace and not put my foot in my mouth...help me to show love and compassion towards all...even those I seek to deem unworthy of life...as if somehow...*I* a mere mortal were in a place to judge anyone...

Quote of the Day:

“It is just as cowardly to judge an absent person as it is wicked to strike a defenseless one. Only the ignorant and narrow-minded gossip, for they speak of persons...(as)...things.”
-Lawrence G. Lovasik

Zero

Broken and decrepit
this machine is falling apart.
This lack of control
just dictating
and ripping sanity to pieces
as the music plays
moving the crowd.

A sea of glass
moving in twilight
showing the shallowness
of my soul
as the waves pull back
exposing the lies
laying beneath the skins
festering in the heart.

Shallow pools form here and there
painting a structure
of a heart
just speaking out silently
hoping you will look on.

Bidding you goodnight
and farewell
on your journey
as you walk along the beach
feeling crushed seashells
moving underfoot
as the distance
just pulls you onward.

...why is it the ones who seem to go on and on about having "a relationship with Jesus" are the ones who seem to have the least amount of an idea as to what that really means?

Is there a divine score card being kept about how close I am getting to having an aneurysm?

I'm not sure I can ever be paid enough to deal with the levels of drama that come from being around certain people...escaping that with my sanity intact might be reason enough to flee north...

Class issue...sort of resolved...I guess.
I hate having to do that...but health and sanity are preferred to things falling apart like an excessively cheap house of cards just tumbling down...

Life is becoming like...a really shoddy dance.
Moving several steps in one direction just to be forced back because life doesn't know who the heck is supposed to be taking the lead...I'm considering just kicking her in the shin and making sure I don't get left behind back here anytime soon. I hate my lock breaking and getting trapped in my dorm room and missing classes and meals...

Yes.
That was possibly a case of mixed metaphors.
I haven't slept in over thirty hours...so sue me.

"They want you to be Jesus
They'll go down on one knee
But they'll want their money back
If you're alive at thirty-three
And you're turning tricks
With your crucifix
You're a star"

Quote of the Day:

“People have to really suffer before they can risk doing what they love.”
-Chuck Palahniuk

And...yeah.
Knew it was coming...still...

It can be difficult to wish the best when you sort of...

Continuing this line of thought is asinine.
It doesn't matter what I wish or feel...if it doesn't line up with reality.
Dreams are best kept to books.
Stories and other bullshit nonsense preserved for those silly enough to believe.
It's a pity I'm more than silly.
I'm just a fool in the rain.
Waiting on the wrong block.

At least in the realm of fiction...where fate is determined by the rolls of dice and the whims of a GM I can win.

Sometimes.

Since I'm keeping a somewhat up to the moment play by play of Codex's adventures in the Wasted Wests I might as well attempt to write up stories about him and the parties adventures. It would actually give me something to do with that freaking 'Tale Telling' skill.

I haven't really focused on trying to write fiction outside of NANOWRIMO and the RP that was associated with MXO.

Actually have a post apocalyptic Hell in which to throw my creative thoughts into has been draining but fun...most anything is possible and it is nice...very nice.

Getting up at seven AM to go hunting for Legos at a flea market was awesome.
Watching half of the second Transformers movie reminds me why I hate Michael Bay and reaffirms any movie remake of something from my childhood as being nothing but a horrible, horrible idea.

*sigh*

Yeah.
I really, really, REALLY just want to punch myself in the face right now.
I could go for one of those weird existential 'Fight Club' moments where I find out Brad Pitt is my alter ego and we fight each other to the death in a skyscraper.

That would make the most logical end to most of this.