Being around a group of people...being able to connect...to be a center of attention and make people laugh...almost never do I feel more alive and afterward never do I feel so empty and certain of my own futility and irrelevance.

At least I found out the cafeteria is open until midnight these days and the calzone I ate was flipping awesome.

It is so utterly bizarre to have a study group in my room right now. O_O
There shouldn't be THIS many people here...it is...

...strange.

Yes.

"The sunlight is fading,
the longest shadows have been cast.
Like songs from a siren,
hurricanes from the past.
And I am a failure,
defeated every time,
so let me lie here,
a sidewalk for a shrine.

I am so lonely,
they say you were lonely too.
dear God be my savior,
I wait for you."

I am sure it is merely my vanity of vanities that seeks to find resonance between the life of Kierkegaard and myself...but surely the parallels are not just the blossoms of my overactive imagination.

Quote of the Day:

“I seem forsaken and alone, / I hear the lion roar; / And every door is shut but one, / And that is Mercy's door.”
-William Cowper

Oh thundering rain...fall down and wash away...wash away this headache and confusing state of being.

I really do not like...

I am feeling so...worn out with life...and just hearing the same words and phrases again and again.

After a while the words start to loose their meaning.

It could be about Jesus or sex.

I'm just sick of words loosing their meaning and me having to hear it...again and again. Something sacred should be treated as thus...and it's just so irritating to hear the same words...again and again.

Stupid!
Stupid!
Stupid!
Stupid!
Stupid!
Stupid!
STUPID!

I'm feeling lost in this...lost here and being within the boundaries of love and falling in and out because of You.
Chasing...running...falling again and again.
Just to find the answer...here and there...
...there and here.
Is it really coloring outside the lines
if it means getting lost in You?

I forgot that I was ahead about being behind when I quit.
Just needed to jot that down somewhere for future reference.

So tired...so much pain...so alone... =/

And now...a migraine.

Jesus...seriously?

Did I do something to make this the weekend from Hell?

Free to Run, Free to Feel, Free to See

You know...I'm not even sure what I would have done if things would have worked out 'perfectly'.

More than likely just panic, freak out and screw things up like I normally do.

Providence rarely makes sense from a finite perspective.

But there is the need to hope that...all of this will be okay...


I long to see fields of flowers
and feel the warm breeze on my face.
I remember when we were kids,
free to run through woods
and to play carefree.

Time was just a friend,
the seconds ticking away
until we could play
and imagine a new life
free of all pain.

Adventures anew
with every day
and I just long
to feel the freedom
that comes with faith
and belief in friends.

I just wish I could see you
and know it wasn't just dreams
conducting me on this path
but the words are so true
even when my faith is weak
and I need to be healed.

I just want to take you by the hand
and show you this childhood memory.
Tales of dragons and elves,
of good winning over evil
and the hope that this make believe
can one day be true.

Senseless frustration because I cannot let go and simply just adapt to the changing streams of life.

Being able to do everything except what I feel I want to do the most is perhaps the single most frustrating thing I have felt in recent memory.

Outside of the whole feeling like death thing.

That is slightly irksome.

"I Surrender All" - Newsboys

"When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of Glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride

See from his head, his hands, his feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did ever such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown

O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
All who gather here by grace draw near and bless
Your name

Were the whole realm of nature mine
That were an offering far too small
Love so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all"

I know it is wrong to despair...but I am hurting so badly right now.
My body hates me and vice versa...

This reminds me so much of China...incredible pain and feeling so far away from everything and everyone...

Father help me to speak praises instead of curses, I want to scream until my throat goes numb and I can pass out from the pain...I don't understand why I have to hurt so much...it just feels like fire is inside my body burning me.

Please give me some measure of relief?
I understand me being alone...I'm accepting that...but do I have to suffer in my body as well? My spirit is broken and the shell it resides in is just a few steps away...

Carpenter, what is it you want of me?

"Take this broken heart
If it brings You praise
Take this beaten soul
Shivering hands I will raise
Hope unstoppable
Sing the morning sun:
'Wake up, oh sleeper
The daylight has come'

You are, You are
Invincible
You are, You are
Unbreakable"

What a lucky jerk.

And I think I have food poisoning.

Why is it the smallest gestures of kindness make me want to burst out crying?
I wish I wasn't so prone to deep emotions...

Quote of the Day:

“May I kiss you then? On this miserable paper? I might as well open the window and kiss the night air.”
-Franz Kafka

"I’m languorously open-ended and the ending’s no good
I’ve been told to break the mold and I would if I could
But apathy is easier than caring at all
And the undulating nothingness means having a ball

Incredibly impressive and bereft of concern
Lobotomized and optimized and then I’m ready to burn
At war within myself and self is winning the fight
Because feeling like no one at all means feeling alright

Sense of purpose has got me feeling worthless
And I’m fading away, but that’s okay"

...and again.