Okay wow...brain melted.
Heh...smiles and such.
Need to read more.
Want to rest alot.

Music...music.

I need to write on Biblical interpretation...so many thoughts on the theories flying around in my mind...

Ack...textual criticism...

Hmm...

...hmm...

...hmm.

Yes?

^_^

Quote of the Day:

“If I stand here, I can see the Little Red Haired girl when she comes out of her house... Of course, if she sees me peeking around this tree, she'll think I'm the dumbest person in the world... But if I don't peek around the tree, I'll never see her... Which means I probably AM the dumbest person in the world... which explains why I'm standing in a batch of poison oak.”
-Charlie Brown

Tis true that this is all vain...a blowing of dust in the wind.
But I aim to at least be as productive...and try as much as I may in this finite sandbox.

Letting Go

One of my chief quirks is my inability to let people, ideas, issues and things go...even when I have exhausted every avenue and have done everything in my power...I still worry and let things fester and drive me crazy.

I do not know how to stop worrying and let go.

I think that is such an incidental reference pointing to some deeper issues.

I want control because I want to be God.
I want to know every sordid detail because I want to be God.
I feel that if I have exhaustive knowledge of what is causing the hurt then I can fix it and I will be God.

I have pride issues.
A messiah complex as well.

Somethings were not delivered in Revelation for a good reason...
...my heart and soul ache enough as is...would more really make me happy?

It would not.
It would simply give me 'permission' to stay in this hole of depression and anxiety. The more I stay stationary the worst this all becomes.

The more I breath and see the sunlight...the easier it is for me to see the things in life that are worthwhile...

I just have so much pride.
As if I could actually fix things and help people...

The clay is becoming a bit unruly again and is starting to backtalk to the potter. It's been doing that ever since someone tried to convert me to Calvinistic thought by saying I had no right to dare question or challenge God on anything.

It is a mere flea shaking its antenna at the full force of a hurricane...but the conviction in my heart is to press forward, ask questions, demand justice and help...anything less would be denying who I am.

But the problem is leaving things with God.
Issues, people, hurt, worry...and not trying to fix things.
The more I fix the worst things become.

Being willing...being able...trying...all worthwhile.
Unless I just make things worse in the trying.
Faraway...so close.

It's an abrupt wake up...jarring truth with all this reasonably unreasoned...

Things should be...could be...might be switched around and inverted in tangents that never made sense outside of this mind and context.

I...

It's all baffling.
Confusing and so full of circles

Life oh life.

I have no real response except this automated message
which isn't coming in as clear as before.
It's all being dissimulated
and falling apart
because of this cryptic manner
in which it was raised.

There is a visible contradiction in my mind and that is all I can really say.
I worry too much and hope too far in the non-consequential.
It is so easy to make things about things it never was about...
Could be...could not...should and should not.

I have no answers that can be understood apart from the heart.
I have hope.
I wear it on my sleeve next to my heart.
I keep trying to figure out how to get them to stay in
but they always seem to tumble out at the most inopportune times.

Nothing...something...everything...repetition.

Faith...hope...love.
The only things that matter and yet make so little sense because they exist as a paradox that flies in the face of reason and every fact of us being alive.

Wow.

...wow.

Quote of the day:

"My doctor says that I have a malformed public duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber and that I'm therefore excused from saving the universe."
-Ford Prefect

Watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics is...strangely inspiring, considering how little I typically care about sports.

There are an infinite number of possibilities mixed with a finite number of improbabilities.

I am not so sure about that...in hindsight or foresight really.

I have questions brewing...so many questions and ideas about what to do...

What I can never sort out is which is me and which is You?

I really do not want to stumble off into doing the right thing for the wrong reason or what simply is wrong...

How can I get back to having a child like faith?
The kind I had in high school where I was teaching and preaching multiple times during the week? I don't want the past...I just...miss serving, I miss the multiple gigs a week where we tried to share Your love.

It simply feels like I'm adrift.
There is more...but I don't feel anyone can really understand it...

I had plans.
Then the plans exploded.
I got new plans.
Then those plans exploded as well.
Tentatively, I am planning on making plans but to be honest I'm not sure how that will end up.

"Wilderness" - The O.C. Supertones

Finished the first season of "Lost" oh my goodness...so freaking intense. >_<
Started watching the first episode of the second season but I'm approaching burn out with the sheer amount of stress I can handle right now.

I have all this to blame on you.
=P

Quote of the Day:

"Do the truth quietly without display."
— Brennan Manning

"I want neither a terrorist spirituality that keeps me in a perpetual state of fright about being in right relationship with my heavenly Father nor a sappy spirituality that portrays God as such a benign teddy bear that there is no aberrant behavior or desire of mine that he will not condone. I want a relationship with the Abba of Jesus, who is infinitely compassionate with my brokenness and at the same time an awesome, incomprehensible, and unwieldy Mystery."
— Brennan Manning

It really feels...and seems like we're all running from or towards something at all times...do we really ever stop to breath? To gaze in wonder at the lengths we have traveled? The pains we have overcomed?

In so many ways...we shouldn't be here.
Shouldn't even have survived and lived this long...
But...grace...providence...

Since we're here...

It is more beautiful, more confusing, more convoluted, more painful, more wonderful than I can ever put into words.

I really should stop.

"Anthem" - Tree63

Tired With a Touch of Hope

So as fun as pain isn't...I feel as though I might have a bit of a better perspective with suffering.

I'm okay with everything and nothing happening...I'm on the process of learning more and how and such...it's not easy and even if I have to endure even more I will.

I have hope about a handful of things...but they aren't my salvation...they won't make me joyful...they will just be nice things to have along the way.

But...as I have been learning...if I need to I can and will do without.

Such intoxicating...such unstoppable hope...

Quote of the Day:

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past."
— Anne Lamott

I'm not a fan of this...uncertainty but at this point...I have no other choice.

Faith...belief...trust...such novel and high concepts until you are forced to depend upon them with your life. Then they just tend to suck at times...but still be good and worthwhile...just it's hard at times.

Difficult...but not impossible...

Stress...stress...stress...productive stress despite other factors, fun factors though.

And stuff.

Such stuff.

And other stuff.

Stuff again.