It's an abrupt wake up...jarring truth with all this reasonably unreasoned...

Things should be...could be...might be switched around and inverted in tangents that never made sense outside of this mind and context.

I...

It's all baffling.
Confusing and so full of circles

Life oh life.

I have no real response except this automated message
which isn't coming in as clear as before.
It's all being dissimulated
and falling apart
because of this cryptic manner
in which it was raised.

There is a visible contradiction in my mind and that is all I can really say.
I worry too much and hope too far in the non-consequential.
It is so easy to make things about things it never was about...
Could be...could not...should and should not.

I have no answers that can be understood apart from the heart.
I have hope.
I wear it on my sleeve next to my heart.
I keep trying to figure out how to get them to stay in
but they always seem to tumble out at the most inopportune times.

Nothing...something...everything...repetition.

Faith...hope...love.
The only things that matter and yet make so little sense because they exist as a paradox that flies in the face of reason and every fact of us being alive.

Wow.

...wow.

Quote of the day:

"My doctor says that I have a malformed public duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber and that I'm therefore excused from saving the universe."
-Ford Prefect

Watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics is...strangely inspiring, considering how little I typically care about sports.

There are an infinite number of possibilities mixed with a finite number of improbabilities.

I am not so sure about that...in hindsight or foresight really.

I have questions brewing...so many questions and ideas about what to do...

What I can never sort out is which is me and which is You?

I really do not want to stumble off into doing the right thing for the wrong reason or what simply is wrong...

How can I get back to having a child like faith?
The kind I had in high school where I was teaching and preaching multiple times during the week? I don't want the past...I just...miss serving, I miss the multiple gigs a week where we tried to share Your love.

It simply feels like I'm adrift.
There is more...but I don't feel anyone can really understand it...

I had plans.
Then the plans exploded.
I got new plans.
Then those plans exploded as well.
Tentatively, I am planning on making plans but to be honest I'm not sure how that will end up.

"Wilderness" - The O.C. Supertones

Finished the first season of "Lost" oh my goodness...so freaking intense. >_<
Started watching the first episode of the second season but I'm approaching burn out with the sheer amount of stress I can handle right now.

I have all this to blame on you.
=P

Quote of the Day:

"Do the truth quietly without display."
— Brennan Manning

"I want neither a terrorist spirituality that keeps me in a perpetual state of fright about being in right relationship with my heavenly Father nor a sappy spirituality that portrays God as such a benign teddy bear that there is no aberrant behavior or desire of mine that he will not condone. I want a relationship with the Abba of Jesus, who is infinitely compassionate with my brokenness and at the same time an awesome, incomprehensible, and unwieldy Mystery."
— Brennan Manning

It really feels...and seems like we're all running from or towards something at all times...do we really ever stop to breath? To gaze in wonder at the lengths we have traveled? The pains we have overcomed?

In so many ways...we shouldn't be here.
Shouldn't even have survived and lived this long...
But...grace...providence...

Since we're here...

It is more beautiful, more confusing, more convoluted, more painful, more wonderful than I can ever put into words.

I really should stop.

"Anthem" - Tree63

Tired With a Touch of Hope

So as fun as pain isn't...I feel as though I might have a bit of a better perspective with suffering.

I'm okay with everything and nothing happening...I'm on the process of learning more and how and such...it's not easy and even if I have to endure even more I will.

I have hope about a handful of things...but they aren't my salvation...they won't make me joyful...they will just be nice things to have along the way.

But...as I have been learning...if I need to I can and will do without.

Such intoxicating...such unstoppable hope...

Quote of the Day:

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past."
— Anne Lamott

I'm not a fan of this...uncertainty but at this point...I have no other choice.

Faith...belief...trust...such novel and high concepts until you are forced to depend upon them with your life. Then they just tend to suck at times...but still be good and worthwhile...just it's hard at times.

Difficult...but not impossible...

Stress...stress...stress...productive stress despite other factors, fun factors though.

And stuff.

Such stuff.

And other stuff.

Stuff again.

I'm such a dork. ^_^

Prayers feel insufficient right now...but what more can I do?
I'm frustrated by my inability to act...to serve...to take away the pain of others...Jesus Christ, what more can I do?

Will it take drawing a circle and refusing to budge to make you move?
I don't enjoy being one of your most belligerent children...but my soul is screaming out at seeing the pain...

...I suppose I had gone too long without sticking my foot in my mouth.

Fleeting Rain Drops

Peacefulness flows like a river,
arching from your mind
and passed through the soul
as I lay here thinking...wondering...hoping...

Everything that is and will be
is but dust,
bits and pieces
of the general mish mash
just coming together
as we're all coming apart
and just wondering,
where You are?

Close enough to feel
but far enough to hurt,
it's like we have this dance
for just the two of us.

Every passing minute
and every fleeting second
is another without
and while wanting.

Such silly notions
and thoughts that captured my mind
as I wander about in wonder
of this endless...abundant beauty,
commonly called grace.

It's not that nice guys finish last, it's just we're the only ones stupid enough to get up at one AM to listen to someone talk about something that we have no idea what is what about...

Hmm...is there a way to make that sound less cynical?

Mayhaps.

But it's early.

And it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to. =P

Another Thing on Pain...

There is a lot of positive.
Suffering leads to the impossible...
I hate saying that because it means once again that Jesus is right and I tend to be a whiny crybaby...but things are this way...the way they are could not be different...anything else is the denial of reality as we see it.

It's easy to sit on this perch and complain about the pain because it is easy...the most difficult thing however...is making myself breath and then, despite the pain, push forward into the task of loving.

God, other and myself...one must not forget to truly love themselves...otherwise they cannot love God or others.