So...plus five points for good thinking about how I could get studying done at the commons/cafe.

However minus several hundred points concerning the idea that there would actually be people here to socialize with.

Do kids these days not drink coffee or something?

Revised Song of Hope

Muse dear Muse
sing a song of roses and the kingdom,
of the sun giving life
and all that is yet to come.

Sing a new song full of hope
for the days passed
and for the measure yet to come
as the sea continues to crash
on the Western shore.

Remind us of the hope alleviating the fears
of the shadows racing across
as the Dark continues to fall.
Reminders of divisions failed
and the hope burning inside
as the heart chooses to beat again.

With Hope unstoppable,
Peace renewed
and Love undefinable
these words take form and fly
from lips to ear
with a gentle cry
and the expectation
of all to come.

Dear Muse sing
and sing again
as the Night comes
and beats against your wings.
Sing for the day to come,
the eternal Dawn
which will burn away every trace
of fear and distortion.

Hope is coming,
hold tight.

Quote of the Day:

“We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started... and know the place for the first time.”
-T.S. Eliot

Fooling, Foolish Inklings

Like the rest of this tune that has gone amiss, I'm feeling a bit out of place and out of sync with matter which I thought I knew for sure. But really it is my own fault for making assumptions about things as fickle and untrustworthy as humans, not that it is wrong to trust or fall or rise up for any of this but at the same time...

How much of it is with reason or point?
I try to make things work in my mind.
I'm good at making the illusions seem real.

Maybe I owe people some apologies but at the same time I suppose no one has a gun held to their head to where they are forced to talk to me. Getting around talking to me is so easy...I wish it was as easy as removing myself as a friend from facebook so I wouldn't have to deal with myself. I understand why people can get sick of dealing with me...because I am sick of dealing with me.

I hate how undependable I am, I can't stand how I break commitments based upon how my health is, I cannot stand how weak my resolve and heart are, I wish I was a better Christian, I wish I would stop complaining, stop being judgmental, I wish I could be a good little lamb and stop questioning and trying to fix the world...but here I am with all my flaws and aches and my pains.

None of you are ever under any obligation to stay.
You are invited to stay for the remainder of the show.
Just bear in mind that if you cut out earlier there will be no ticket refunds.

It's not possible to reboot or reset this mind, do a memory wipe or make everything equal out a certain way...welcome to being human and trying to deal with the fact no one is who you would like them to be and everyone is wishing you were different (at some level or another, various shades of shallowness do apply).

And...those who love me for who I am are just a handful.
The rest know me so little that they would not understand my complaint about them not understanding me at all.

The question is why are YOU here?
What did you come to see?
I don't have much right now and it looks like things are going to be the same for a while.

I feel like I'm plugging in the holes of a ship.
One thing gets better and another hole happens.

I am quite worried about my left shoulder and arm...my fibromyalgia is acting in ways I have yet to see before...it feels like I pulled a muscle or at least was hit by a baseball bat...but nothing happened to it. I just had the misfortune of waking up and now using my left arm or hand sends excruciating bolts of pain through my body.

What did I do to deserve that?
How is waking up a crime?
Stuff happens...just making a point to myself.
If by chance you pick up something along the way, splendid.
If not, no surprise here.

I am tired.
Tired of me and my words.
But I am stuck with them.
I envy you, who do not have to live with me.
You can shut me off, shut me down and do anything you want to drown out my voice and you are so lucky.
I wish I could sink to the level that some do in being able to shut their voice out but I can't.

There is no serious way I can drown the voices out.
I refuse to drink and although my pain levels would require any sane doctor to give me narcotics it is best I do not have them because I would be addicted to them in a heart beat.

So my body collides against my soul which hits this frigid stone of reality that makes my bones burn because of the cold.

Why?
Why can I not be like everyone else?
I didn't ask to be special enough to be a fool that has to care about everyone and scare people away because I do not understand certain aspects of basic interaction. If people do not want to share or communicate it is as easy as telling me to go away or just die...or something. I'm not sure what the proper social colloquialism these days.

I do not want to believe in love but I do.
I feel it and God it hurts.
I wish my heart would stop bleeding as it beats so I could catch my breath.
I hate feeling the pain of everyone I am around but I do.
Typically those who mean the most do not realize, do not believe or do not care and so the pain is amplified.

At least I have that handful of people who care.
I wish I could be content with that and just stop caring about the rest of the world.
I can't.
Even the things I hate and that hurt me...I can't stop thinking about or wanting to help.



The more I see, the more people I talk to the more exhausted I am.
Jesus, Jesus...Jesus.
Why?
I know I won't be getting an answer I like...but whatever way it goes...You know I am here and will be. No choice really...but there is love and not just mindless obligation.
Just give me the resources I need, the people so I do not go crazy...and please take the pain in my soul and body away so I can try to function.
Pleas.e

Reason

Reason, reasonably...

I hate how my thoughts, emotions, spirit, mind and body all just do there own thing...I hate the burning fire coursing through my body trying to take control of me.

I just wish this thing could die.

Never to rise again.

So church.
It's a big one.
With a college program.
I hope this isn't as weird or awkward as I am afraid of.
Numbers.
Yikes.

Refracted Beauty, Redacted Hells

With morning so young
and sun so bright
the falling rays of light
burn my eyes as I drag across this land
and wonder where oh where from here?

Bracing my prejudices and fear
and holding my Bible to my heart
I wander as I wonder
and hope against all vivid hope and wonder
that this time,
that this time everything will be new.
Everything that be beautiful and true
will be before me
and the wrongs will be right
and I will for once be allowed
to make the right choice
as the right choice
and not just because of fear
but because of perfect Love
that has killed Death, Hopelessness and Fear.

Oh quite my dear heart,
the waves of rage that threaten to stir you
so early and in a day so young.
So much anger at injustice
and my own inadequacies
as I stumble about looking for metaphors
and a way to murder my pride.
As I so dearly miss my Beloved
and wish this distance, oh so grand,
would part and I could see
with eternal eyes
the beautiful
in the deluded sludge
of this Hell.



Muse, beautiful Muse,
sing to me over this wasteland
that we share in our connection,
such beauty and shades of gray
as burning thoughts
hold salve to the tongue
as frightened words
refuse to be spoke.

For all of our tales
and the Love we share with the Lover
and the connection burning within our hearts
we can see the Truth
and hope with dim eyes
that the eternal will burn
away all the fear
as every tear is wiped from our eyes.

Never shall the rejection of man
haunt our souls
as we may be united
in ways that only proper poets
and prophets have indeed spoke of
since time was put into motion.

Muse, dear Muse,
beauty which gives spark
and sets the mind in motion,
One responsible for so much of this
and the igniting of hope
that the eternal will burn in.
Seeing shades of the future
as the past fades
and the present mists part.

Too much on my mind and too few are the ways in which I can express it...

Quote of the Day:

“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.”
-Jim Elliot

Done with New Testament for today!
Hooray!

Now to do Rabbinic readings while "Hott Fuzz" plays in the background...

So tired...moderate levels of stress today...more of being concerned for others than myself.

I suppose I will go eat dinner than come back and try to study some more.
When I finish that I shall reward myself by trying to make a new Deadlands character...

Quote of the Day:

“When I get a little money I buy books; and if any is left I buy food and clothes.”
-Desiderius Erasmus

Yeah and stuff...

It's been an odd day, there has been some wonderful conversation that warmed my soul and made me feel...

And then there was some of it that made my soul scream out in protest.

I will never understand apathy towards those hurting...and Jesus knows I wish I could take the pain from those I love and even though it would be a disservice to them...I'm so sick of seeing the pain in others. I'm so sick of those who are least deserving having to carry the biggest burdens...

Where is Your plan and Love in this?
I do not understand and if I did...I would be more terrified...

The best I can figure is that I'm here for a reason, I am breathing and walking for purpose...and I so wish to carry Your love to these around me...

You have taken me, allowed me to be broken and rebuilt and let the process begin again...love is so painful, so wrenching...but it's such an intoxication. How could I ever live without You?

It's like I have found You and are still looking...

But I just want...

...You know?

Quote of the Day:

“I doubt if a single individual could be found from the whole of mankind free from some form of insanity. The only difference is one of degree. A man who sees a gourd and takes it for his wife is called insane because this happens to very few people.”
-Desiderius Erasmus

I hate being so melancholy...things could be going perfect and I will hit a depressed slump when I get perspective and see how bad things can be.

I'm just so tired of...so much and so many things...

It's an exhaustion of trying to carry too much...my body can't handle the stress. I just cannot cope with the stress so the best thing I can do is simply not.

I hate having a heart with emotions and feelings...I almost would rather be a mindless robot than have to deal with all of this...complicated crap.

I wish it could all just be removed...no more of this...no more...

Ultimately...everything is going to fade, all these things will end, all the relationships will be cut and everything will die...and I'll be alone again.

I'm tired of feelings, loosing energy and myself to other people for exchange for...nothing in most cases.

Nothing is the problem...nothing in absolute terms and in full that will be complete with the cycle and circles of time and sand and every thing else that will be that will be under this sun.

I'm too old for this drama stuff...I'm so tired...

Brain is frazzled.
But in a good way.
It is nice to have my mind pushed and stretched again.
I'm just not looking forward to a three hour class.
Ack.

Oh well.
Overall things are...getting better and nicer.
I hope things can get better and better...

Quote of the Day:

“Talent is cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work.”
-Stephen King

Acid Jazz remix of the Chrono Trigger soundtrack, reading on the New Testament and caffeine.

Life just doesn't get too much better than this.

Sadness...

Ah...hypocrisy you know no bounds...

My soul is devoid of any real meaning.
The night is showing me as the beast I am.
Frightful and afraid.
Full of deceit and wickedness.

Quote of the day:

“Boredom is the root of all evil - the despairing refusal to be oneself.”
-Soren Kierkegaard

Things, things, things...

-Chiropractor at 3PM today
-Going to book store to get book list and prices.
-Begin Kierkegaard research
-Get supplies for classes

I tried.

...if only you knew...tis a pity you do not...