Being back in this apartment in bizarre...so many...thoughts and memories...

My soul,
oh my soul so tired
so worn down and exhausted.

Note to self:

Call Dr.Taylor at ten on Monday to see about setting up class schedule.

Nine hours, three classes.

Hooray.

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Potential class schedule:
NT 521.40 - NEW TESTAMENT INTRODUCTION (3 Hours) 600pm - 855pm ----R-- Taylor, C.

TS 531.40 - SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY (3 Hours) 600pm-855pm --T---- Robertson



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List of fun classes I want to do for kicks and giggles:

English 331.90 - (Advanced Composition) (3 Hours) ONLINE

English 421.01 SPECIAL TOPICS IN AMERICAN LIT AMERICAN REALISM AND NATURALISM 3 930am-1055am --T-R--

Philosophy 401 D1/English 400 HERMENEUTICS/Critical Theory (3 hours) 1100am-1225pm --T-R-- (Mashburn)

Philosophy 412 01 MORAL PHILOSOPHY AND ETHICS (3 hours) 100pm-225pm --T-R-- (Mashburn)

Music 181.7/482.7 - BASS GUITAR

And I'm here...drinking coffee and writing...so tired...but it's nice to be back at someplace that almost...just almost feels like it may be...home.

Sick again.

My heart is just as diseased as the rest of my body.

Only my Love can preserve and redeem this soul.

I with the rest of this would just die so I could be free of this agony.
I want to persevere but Jesus it is so hard.
I feel more alone now than ever.
Just redeem me if I can
and cast me aside if I can't.
Love me Lover.
As only Your infinite grace can.

I feel like crap.

But I'm excited.

So yes.

I will finish dressing, finish packing and cast my lots to the wind and pray to God my freaking car doesn't explode in route.

I feel as though I were the one that fell down a flight of stairs.
I am going to need an obscene amount of caffeine to survive the drive down.

Hmm...

A phone call.

I'm feeling so overloaded.
I want to crash and fall down,
just simply explode
and let my inner thoughts burn outside
as they have seared my mind.

I can't tell if what I am onto is something...or just plain insanity.

Oh well...

"Love is Blindness" - U2

"Who Wants to Live Forever?" - Queen

I can't focus enough to even try working on my novel...thank God I won't be here this weekend and I will barely be online at all.

I'm sick of this room...this cell that I have spent the past two years in mostly isolation in. I've seen more of myself then I ever wanted to and can barely remember how to socialize.

If I get back into school God help my future roommates.

I can't focus.

I'm tired...but I'm not.
I'm stressed but not too bad.
I'm excited about going to see Donald Miller tonight and eating a taco at my favorite Mexican restaurant.

I wish I better understood...but I can't.
So it will have to be okay.

"Narcolepsy" - Ben Folds Five

Being upset at others because of my own assumptions and thoughts is pure madness.

I just really wish I could be free of this all.
No more doubt.
No more shame.
A reduction of the pain I live in and to have true clarity so I can see again.

Quote of the Day:

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
-Douglas Adams

"You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything"

Cyclic Nature

So it begins again.
This cycle of how much I hate myself.
All over stuff that is trivial dust in the wind...

I'm so tired...I hurt so badly right.
Why...why the hell do I want things I can't have?
I shouldn't have?

I'm so sick of me...sick of bleeding out my soul and falling fast and hard for no reason just to have my heart crushed with the vice grips of apathy.
Whose fault is it?
Mine for trying too hard and caring...

Flying too close to the sun...
I hate the me that is,
the me that falls into this trap
and makes the mistake
that things are good
and there are happy endings
in this hellish wasteland
where the only hope is in the beyond.

Any good is ripped apart shortly thereafter...
So many things...so little....
The combination...so fleeting...

Can you see?
Do you feel?
Would it matter if the time was split asunder
and every moment between now and infinity
was brought close
and I placed it in your hand?

No one knows what I'm talking about
because I don't.
There are so many thoughts screaming through my head
that I can't sort them out.
All of these dead people who will not be silent
and all of the blood on my soul
screaming out convictions
that only Jesus can take away.
But He can't
because I can't let go long enough.
I hate myself so much I make myself suffer
which is the grand irony of this all.

I want to feel the lungs empty
I want an end
a real resolution.
I want so desperately for a happy ending
that cannot exist
because in so many ways I do not.

You say happy and I don't know what that means
I just know my soul is heavy
and there is a burden which will not leave.
The more I speak of it
the least it makes sense.

There is no healing in Gilead,
no balm
and no healing for the soul.
Living in this house for two years
has been perugatory and Hell.

My soul has found no resolution
just a reptition
of the pain
and the tears
that can't be wiped away.

I just want,
you to care
but that is stupid
because I'm talking to a blank wall.
How can you converse with someone not here?
How can they hear?
How will they respond?
It is merely a useless vanity,
a repition of my voice
because I love myself more than these
and will never bow until I break
and I won't break until I weep.

I try to leave it but I can't.
Every last part of my soul needs to be purged.
I feel so sick,
my body's nerve cells scream in protest an intense pain
and I just want to lay down and die
because that would be preferable
to suffering endlessly
in this circle
and repeating
and falling
and everlasting
hopeless night of the dark soul
looking for a light that isn't there.

I can look to you,
the mere vanity,
a human like you for hope
but there is none in your kind.
I left the human race years ago
when my innocence was a flame
that was quenced by those
drunk off their power
and I lost who I was
to the cruelty
and lack of understanding.

I am.
I am me
and will be
until something changes again
and then you will look
and try to see and find me
but I'll be gone.

I want this dark soul to die
and I want my works to burn
and be my funeral pyre,
so that everything I was
will be blown into the wind
and the nothingness in me
will simple be
and all that is will be
and all in all
it is nothing.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

0f course bloody decorating the Christmas tree would make me miss a VITAL phone call!!!!






...it's okay Chuck...I feel your pain man... =/

It's selfish...but I'm hurting so bad I wish the pain would end in anyway...anyway...

A Lost Verse for Your Time

Endless spaces devoid,
expunged of meaning
by a jet black heart.
"Meaningless, utterly meaningless!" cries the teacher
as I seek to expose this fallacy,
the lies I wear on my sleeve.

The only person who believe me
was the sickly face in the mirror,
too pale to be alive
and too dead to care about such trifles.

Every dream I chased,
every fallacy I lived
is this song
I've sung
since the beginning.
Hallowed desecration
is my specialty
because none can know the truth
for I believed every lie I spouted.

If only it were as simple of a matter
as killing this weak and fetid thing,
letting it starve to death
in the isolated chamber it grew in,
to let it decay
and instead
of letting it finish transforming
into the fel beast it is to become.

Dreams twisted,
nether things,
hopeless thoughts of the divine
while I plummet
falling and bleeding
from the heights from which I disgraced
with the profane of my soul.
Such vile lies,
such twisted truth,
all for my sake
and the lies I told
just to keep you safe.

I love myself enough to worship myself
and hated you just enough
to factor you into my plans
until it meant
reality had to rear its head
and cause everything I believed
to be consumed in flames.

How can I believe such falseness?
What weight is this I carry?

It's all entwined
caught up in your name
as I try to flee from here.
Never have I saw this as I do now
how fairly unconcerned I am with all
unless it factors into my game
and how things must revolve around me.

Mercy I cry,
mercy I need
as it's grace that I will plea
and love I thirst for
as I lay here in this darkest night
being baptize in hues of gray.
Broken Alabaster jars
as I long to be
long to be more than just this mud
and for this heart
to be formed from more than just clay.

One day...

One day I will stop sticking my foot in my mouth.
Sadly today is not that day.
God I just wish my brain had a delete button.
Oh good grief...

Two Things I'm Giving Up:

1.Food - Every time I have eaten this week I've gotten sicker.

2.Song Writing - I try but I CAN'T play freaking chords on a guitar. I have bass so ingrained in my mind all I can do is play notes. That does not lend itself to song writing and what few examples I have of my effort are such God awful that I think Jesus would rather me worship Him with my devoted silence then cause ears to bleed with my poor poetry set to even worse song.

"Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed

Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"

Stone Heart, Broken and Bleeding

Compromise I shan't,
every offer
and counter offer my soul makes
I would rather just be
here alone
in pale solitude
than to barter my soul
for something of lesser value.

Who I am
cannot be
anything eternal
for my heart bleeds
and aches like yours
but who I am
is simply
another of a long line
of those purchased
at bulk discount
but who also
have their heart again
and have been freed
to live and love
like you may never know.

It's all pretensions
and seemingly nonsense
about how the temporal
can approach the eternal
but the thought is backwards
because it is not I
but outside of me
from where Love comes.
It is the Spirit
touching
stirring
convicting
loving
and raising back to life.

You can't see this
and I know not why
for all the light
from the sun
is ours to share
and rejoice under,
just try and see
how I can mean
what I say
and hope
to believe
that life is never this
but what may come to be
and never just what
we can only see
but what the heart longs for
in the darkest of nights.

I can't stop living
and pushing forward,
longing for this heart
to beat more
and faster,
just to feel You walk by
and speak my name
just once more
and know,
just know this isn't a dream
but that the eternal sunrise
is ours to share
and that the beauty
is never temporal
but just a gateway
a sign
for what is to come.