I can't tell if what I am onto is something...or just plain insanity.

Oh well...

"Love is Blindness" - U2

"Who Wants to Live Forever?" - Queen

I can't focus enough to even try working on my novel...thank God I won't be here this weekend and I will barely be online at all.

I'm sick of this room...this cell that I have spent the past two years in mostly isolation in. I've seen more of myself then I ever wanted to and can barely remember how to socialize.

If I get back into school God help my future roommates.

I can't focus.

I'm tired...but I'm not.
I'm stressed but not too bad.
I'm excited about going to see Donald Miller tonight and eating a taco at my favorite Mexican restaurant.

I wish I better understood...but I can't.
So it will have to be okay.

"Narcolepsy" - Ben Folds Five

Being upset at others because of my own assumptions and thoughts is pure madness.

I just really wish I could be free of this all.
No more doubt.
No more shame.
A reduction of the pain I live in and to have true clarity so I can see again.

Quote of the Day:

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
-Douglas Adams

"You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything"

Cyclic Nature

So it begins again.
This cycle of how much I hate myself.
All over stuff that is trivial dust in the wind...

I'm so tired...I hurt so badly right.
Why...why the hell do I want things I can't have?
I shouldn't have?

I'm so sick of me...sick of bleeding out my soul and falling fast and hard for no reason just to have my heart crushed with the vice grips of apathy.
Whose fault is it?
Mine for trying too hard and caring...

Flying too close to the sun...
I hate the me that is,
the me that falls into this trap
and makes the mistake
that things are good
and there are happy endings
in this hellish wasteland
where the only hope is in the beyond.

Any good is ripped apart shortly thereafter...
So many things...so little....
The combination...so fleeting...

Can you see?
Do you feel?
Would it matter if the time was split asunder
and every moment between now and infinity
was brought close
and I placed it in your hand?

No one knows what I'm talking about
because I don't.
There are so many thoughts screaming through my head
that I can't sort them out.
All of these dead people who will not be silent
and all of the blood on my soul
screaming out convictions
that only Jesus can take away.
But He can't
because I can't let go long enough.
I hate myself so much I make myself suffer
which is the grand irony of this all.

I want to feel the lungs empty
I want an end
a real resolution.
I want so desperately for a happy ending
that cannot exist
because in so many ways I do not.

You say happy and I don't know what that means
I just know my soul is heavy
and there is a burden which will not leave.
The more I speak of it
the least it makes sense.

There is no healing in Gilead,
no balm
and no healing for the soul.
Living in this house for two years
has been perugatory and Hell.

My soul has found no resolution
just a reptition
of the pain
and the tears
that can't be wiped away.

I just want,
you to care
but that is stupid
because I'm talking to a blank wall.
How can you converse with someone not here?
How can they hear?
How will they respond?
It is merely a useless vanity,
a repition of my voice
because I love myself more than these
and will never bow until I break
and I won't break until I weep.

I try to leave it but I can't.
Every last part of my soul needs to be purged.
I feel so sick,
my body's nerve cells scream in protest an intense pain
and I just want to lay down and die
because that would be preferable
to suffering endlessly
in this circle
and repeating
and falling
and everlasting
hopeless night of the dark soul
looking for a light that isn't there.

I can look to you,
the mere vanity,
a human like you for hope
but there is none in your kind.
I left the human race years ago
when my innocence was a flame
that was quenced by those
drunk off their power
and I lost who I was
to the cruelty
and lack of understanding.

I am.
I am me
and will be
until something changes again
and then you will look
and try to see and find me
but I'll be gone.

I want this dark soul to die
and I want my works to burn
and be my funeral pyre,
so that everything I was
will be blown into the wind
and the nothingness in me
will simple be
and all that is will be
and all in all
it is nothing.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

0f course bloody decorating the Christmas tree would make me miss a VITAL phone call!!!!






...it's okay Chuck...I feel your pain man... =/

It's selfish...but I'm hurting so bad I wish the pain would end in anyway...anyway...

A Lost Verse for Your Time

Endless spaces devoid,
expunged of meaning
by a jet black heart.
"Meaningless, utterly meaningless!" cries the teacher
as I seek to expose this fallacy,
the lies I wear on my sleeve.

The only person who believe me
was the sickly face in the mirror,
too pale to be alive
and too dead to care about such trifles.

Every dream I chased,
every fallacy I lived
is this song
I've sung
since the beginning.
Hallowed desecration
is my specialty
because none can know the truth
for I believed every lie I spouted.

If only it were as simple of a matter
as killing this weak and fetid thing,
letting it starve to death
in the isolated chamber it grew in,
to let it decay
and instead
of letting it finish transforming
into the fel beast it is to become.

Dreams twisted,
nether things,
hopeless thoughts of the divine
while I plummet
falling and bleeding
from the heights from which I disgraced
with the profane of my soul.
Such vile lies,
such twisted truth,
all for my sake
and the lies I told
just to keep you safe.

I love myself enough to worship myself
and hated you just enough
to factor you into my plans
until it meant
reality had to rear its head
and cause everything I believed
to be consumed in flames.

How can I believe such falseness?
What weight is this I carry?

It's all entwined
caught up in your name
as I try to flee from here.
Never have I saw this as I do now
how fairly unconcerned I am with all
unless it factors into my game
and how things must revolve around me.

Mercy I cry,
mercy I need
as it's grace that I will plea
and love I thirst for
as I lay here in this darkest night
being baptize in hues of gray.
Broken Alabaster jars
as I long to be
long to be more than just this mud
and for this heart
to be formed from more than just clay.

One day...

One day I will stop sticking my foot in my mouth.
Sadly today is not that day.
God I just wish my brain had a delete button.
Oh good grief...

Two Things I'm Giving Up:

1.Food - Every time I have eaten this week I've gotten sicker.

2.Song Writing - I try but I CAN'T play freaking chords on a guitar. I have bass so ingrained in my mind all I can do is play notes. That does not lend itself to song writing and what few examples I have of my effort are such God awful that I think Jesus would rather me worship Him with my devoted silence then cause ears to bleed with my poor poetry set to even worse song.

"Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed

Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"

Stone Heart, Broken and Bleeding

Compromise I shan't,
every offer
and counter offer my soul makes
I would rather just be
here alone
in pale solitude
than to barter my soul
for something of lesser value.

Who I am
cannot be
anything eternal
for my heart bleeds
and aches like yours
but who I am
is simply
another of a long line
of those purchased
at bulk discount
but who also
have their heart again
and have been freed
to live and love
like you may never know.

It's all pretensions
and seemingly nonsense
about how the temporal
can approach the eternal
but the thought is backwards
because it is not I
but outside of me
from where Love comes.
It is the Spirit
touching
stirring
convicting
loving
and raising back to life.

You can't see this
and I know not why
for all the light
from the sun
is ours to share
and rejoice under,
just try and see
how I can mean
what I say
and hope
to believe
that life is never this
but what may come to be
and never just what
we can only see
but what the heart longs for
in the darkest of nights.

I can't stop living
and pushing forward,
longing for this heart
to beat more
and faster,
just to feel You walk by
and speak my name
just once more
and know,
just know this isn't a dream
but that the eternal sunrise
is ours to share
and that the beauty
is never temporal
but just a gateway
a sign
for what is to come.

It both amuses and disturbs me anytime I see someone using Shakespeare's 'Romeo and Juliet' as some sort of ideal for love and what one might consider to be a good and stable relationship.

Oie.

Can one say epic failure in the making?

"Our selfishness consumes us
Until the whole world is not enough
Forgive the day that I erased your name
that I erased your name
For it's the memory of me that will decay

I know you are the forsaken
Yet somehow we are the ones who feel alone
I know you are the forsaken
Yet somehow we are the ones who feel alone"

Note for the Noveling Battle Friend

20k...I hope you know I'm proud of you for making a comeback.
The easiest thing in the world is to quite when you are behind...
The hardest thing is looking your own fear and doubt in the mirror...and choosing to press on past the voice of self defeating ridicule...and those in your past who were too stupid to realize how unique and talented you are.

There is no bad story because it comes from your heart, it is what you are...and what you pull out is a part of you and the final product will be different...but it is still a part of you as any child may be.

Good luck and feel free to send some more taunts when you catch up to where I am.

Observation of the day:

Including Samuel L. Jackson in any film automatically makes the film utterly ridiculous, epic mind you, but utterly ridiculous all the same.

In the movie based of my life I want him to play the role of my big brother.

What is it with being male and liking guns and explosions?
One of the few things I can always trust to help clear my mind and reduce stress...

Quote of the Day

“The really unhappy person is the one who leaves undone what they can do, and starts doing what they don't understand; no wonder they come to grief.”

-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Beloved, Dissonance is our Calling Card

You spoke and I listen.
You cried and I walked away.
With every gesture
every back and forth move
we share in this dance
I can't help but fall down.

I never can speak what I mean
or ever mean what I say
because sharing love
is like watching my sun
fall down early every day
and feeling what it means,
just exactly what it means to die again.

I can sit here and watch the sunset
longing to hear from You
but all I can do is wait
and try to listen.
I can lay here in pain
longing to feel You again
but all in all
every day is empty
as I search these wastes
longing for my Love.

Red light falling harsh
painting hues with blood
and the regret in my soul.
I never knew to love was pain
but Divine Love is crushing
as much as it is intoxicating
and the substance I'm drunk off of
while I wait,
longing just to hear
and feel You again.

I had something of importance to share...but it is long gone from this demented mind of mine.

"Sometimes I feel like I don't know
Sometimes I feel like checking out
I wanna get it wrong
Can't always be strong
And love it won't be long"