Observation of the Day:

When someone reaches the point of eating a piece of cake spitefully it is safe to admit that something might possibly be wrong.

Quote of the Day:

“We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe.”
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Flowing Red, Painted Pictographs

My soul lays open
dissected and flayed
on display as a cheap gimmick,
just like the cheap grace
I throw back
and act as though is was mine
in this first and primary place.

Every beat of this degenerate heart
is a beat so much closer
to be captured in Your hand
and the act of a final divorce
from this land of waking death.

Vagrant and degenerate
this heart wonders as it wanders
and I'm brought back to silence,
at the ineptitude of man and machine
as I try to find where I belong.

I just want this beat to end
and this song to finish
so I can wake to find
this eternal end to eternal grays
and the everlasting sunlight painted
in such a way only You can.

"The Day the Whole World Went Away (Quiet Remix)" - Nine Inch Nails

I'm so tired of people and the yelling.

I'm going to just stop making excuses and just stop caring. Damn these people and their lack of empathy and caring about other people.

I'm tired, I ache, I hate food...bleharg.

Food poisoning.

Joy.

My body simply hates me.

Oie.

Nothing now.

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."
-C.S. Lewis

I should stop beating this dead horse before the thing becomes a zombie horse, gets up and tries to take a chunk off my foot for kicking it so much.

After last night...I have some serious doubts about people lodged in my head now...I don't want to be rude...and I hope this doesn't hurt or offend...I just...

I'm not sure I trust anyone now.
That revelation was a bit too much for my mind...
I just...
I doubt I can phrase it into words.
Or make logical sense.

My failure was in putting faith in frail humans.
That is my sin.
I continue to trust and invest my heart and it will continue to be ripped to shreds because it has no cover.
I do not know how to protect it because all I know is to give myself as genuinely as I can.

And that is part of my sin.
Part of the punishment I deserve for my weakness.
How can I...
Why should...
Is it...plausible...when...

It is all half formed thoughts.
Poorly phrased.
Pain induced.

I go up so high and come crashing down so low.
Sometimes...some days...
Just...

Oh God.
Pain.
Again.
Oh geez.
Why?
Oie.

Christmas decorating...garland...trees...heavy boxes....oh geeez...#_#

And...worry and stress are stopping me from taking my nap.

Bah.

You know...these...and the whys.
Help...please?
Help them...her and her and him...and them...every last one.
Only You can.
Please.

And home again.
With an eccentric cat by my side.
I feel I have conquered a mountain.
But today will be long.
A short nap and then exercise.
Some Christmas decorations and then more writing.
Oh I how I long to see Your face...

And now...back home.

"You.
Are.
So.
Beautiful.
Tonight.

In this city,
this city of blinding lights."

"World Without End" - Five Iron Frenzy

Half Way

This novel in a month idea grows more insane every time I do it.

I'm halfway through the word quota minimum and it has never has happened this early in the month before. I'm not sure how I feel about the plot or the story...but things are starting to take off in ways. Being able to throw random characters, chunks of plot and random dialogue on these pages and seeing some sort of semblance of order take shape is always startling.

So far I have written 25,028 words which roughly equals out to forty-six pages single spaced. All in just under fourteen days.

Wow.

Some of it is the crappiest writing I have ever done but more than a few scenes have shocked me at how good they turned out.

I think I'm going to be able to hit the 50k mark early and pressed beyond it by maybe 5-15k and I have the hope that I may be able to salvage a good part of this book for later use. This has been such an incredible month.

My health has been up and down like crazy, my stress levels have been through the roof...but my best friends have been there holding me up and cheering me on. They have been questioning every major decision to make sure I'm doing what I need to be doing...and I just want you to know I appreciate it.

Getting phone calls and emails asking about my word count, asking how the school search is going...and then encouraging me along the path and letting me know that I'm on the right path. That is something I have needed...just right words at the right time and they go a long way.

The idea of me doing something not just for the right reasons in a high moral sense...but also because it will make me happy is an idea I'm still trying to wrap my mind around. It feels sort of selfishly indulgent...but as 'fun' as senselessly berating myself is...actually taking the time to find our who I am, where I am going...and how I can learn to be more effective with the gifts I've been given...well sometimes taking a proactive step forward is the best thing one can do at any given moment.

I can never stay on focus while writing because I have too many thoughts coming out at once...but I think I'm heading in a right direction...it's not something I can really claim credit for. I'm just a sort of lanky vagabond bumbling my way around and Jesus keeps filling in the gaps of my path so I don't plummet completely off this world.

I'm going to keep writing until the day the pen falls out of my hand.
I'm going to keep learning until my eyes fall closed for the last time.
I'm going to keep speaking until my voice is forever gone.

The most any of us can do is follow our conscious and the convictions painted on our hearts by the Divine Lover and throw everything on the line in the name of love and lay our lives down for one another.

"But remember the root command: Love one another."
-John 15:17


"Are you crawling through the dismal?
Gray of nothing,
frostbite kills.
Does this world make light of weaving,
shrouds to bury,
graves to fill?
I am just a kindred spirit,
a runner who is running still.
Welcome to the longest mile,
the most costly thing you'll ever hold,
wonderful is the journey,
the greatest story ever told.

All my dreams are slowly dying.
I can count my years in scars.
The only One that's never left me,
has carried me so very far.
I've heard it said that He wastes nothing,
so beautiful to behold,
the Author of my hope is writing,
the greatest story ever told."
-Five Iron Frenzy, "The Greatest Story Ever Told"

"Rejoice" - U2

25,000k Words Plus! Huzzah! What about Newts?!?

Beatitude of Broken Faith

Faithless.
Faithless.
Faithless.
We all fall down.
Symmetrical in our betrayals
and lack of faith
in our sincerest tones.
Crucifying is easy
when you cast thought aside
and think you know truth
and can slam the nails in
at the perfect rate
because after all,
eternity is just a moments wait, right?

Bleeding Heart, Bleeding soul.

Lies, I want to scream.
Poison, I want to cut out.
Every thought racing through this mind,
every moment of existing beside you
is making me loose
every part of me
that I ever held onto
and every second burns my soul
as I wait in silence
to hear another denial
and pleasantly formed no.

I would have rather,
I would have rather
just had my heart
ripped out.
I would have rather
just had my soul
had this soul
nullified.
I would,
I would have rather
just had every last part of me
just washed away in these flames
then ever spend another wasted second
just pouring myself into useless cycles
of repetitious pain.

Bleeding myself into sin
just for what feels like your delight
as I spin myself into another lie
and twist and turn in a panic
because I realize
I realize and I know
how lost I am.
I got lost in believing you
and trusting in something never true.
The worse thing I can ever know
is how ultimately
it's all my fault,
everything false
and everything truly true,
it all my fault.

I'm a narcissist
so don't worry,
I'll take the blame
and baptize myself in guilt
and a bit more loathing
as I hold the door
and bid thee to walk quick
as I hold back spite
and take a deep draft
of how utterly useless
all in all this all is.

Rejoice, the day is coming.
Love beyond love
and this cynical heart of mine
will melt in the Light
and this,
even this forsaking bastard child,
this faithless Son of Adam
will be found and held.
At any point I could walk out into eternity
and find contentment.
But I hold myself back and embrace the pain
because it is my identity.

Do you see?
Do you feel?

Good night,
good bye
farewell
and
farewell.

"You're taking steps that make you feel dizzy
Then you learn to like the way it feels
You hurt yourself, you hurt your lover
Then you discover what you thought was freedom is just greed

Goodbye, and it's emotional goodnight
I'll be up with the sun
Are you still holding on
I'm not coming down "

Winding Self Destruct

The more I learn...
Jesus...just...why can't this charade end?
It's like everything...it is all lies...
My heart...God my head is exploding with pain...

What is the point?
I can't take this...
I didn't ask for this...
I never wanted this...

...just...I...
All I...all I wanted was...
...a simple
Just to be...
...and to feel..
I want...to know this and that...

Please end this pain.
Please end it tonight.
My Father, My Lover take me from this place of pain.
Deliver me before I crash.