If being a narcissist was so easy than everyone would be doing it!
...wait a second...
Monday, November 9, 2009
Quote of the Day:
“I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.”
-Mother Teresa
-Mother Teresa
"I’m languorously open-ended and the ending’s no good
I’ve been told to break the mold and I would if I could
But apathy is easier than caring at all
And the undulating nothingness means having a ball
Incredibly impressive and bereft of concern
Lobotomized and optimized and then I’m ready to burn
At war within myself and self is winning the fight
Because feeling like no one at all means feeling alright
Sense of purpose has got me feeling worthless
And I’m fading away, but that’s okay"
I’ve been told to break the mold and I would if I could
But apathy is easier than caring at all
And the undulating nothingness means having a ball
Incredibly impressive and bereft of concern
Lobotomized and optimized and then I’m ready to burn
At war within myself and self is winning the fight
Because feeling like no one at all means feeling alright
Sense of purpose has got me feeling worthless
And I’m fading away, but that’s okay"
Fool Afraid of Love
Dear Lord just give me everything that I want,
feed me a bit more,
so it can,
it'll make me content just for the day.
It's a promise that I'll break
because after all
everything about everything
is always just about me.
I can be sweet,
just enough to rot your teeth.
I can be honest,
just enough to be blunt,
about how I just can't stand your ways
because after all
everything it's about me.
You didn't get the memo?
If I could get any more sick
I might just be able to love You
almost as much as I hate you.
I could throw up
and be rid of everything that is me
and return this status quo
of not knowing
or wanting to care anymore.
Why did you set this stirring in my heart
just so it could become a blister
an ache driving me further insane?
Just cut it out,
slice out this heart
and indulge an old serpent
whose only sole concern
is about no longer feeling.
I would rather be blinded
and loose my touch,
have my words stolen
and never utter a sound
or write another trite verse.
If it could just make you happy
I would gladly cut off these ties
and loose everything
that ever made myself
just myself about myself.
Just a few grains of sand
and I'll be done,
don't worry
everything is fading
and soon enough
my voice will be stilled.
No longer a burning
or an ache
just an empty vessel,
worthless dust to dust
and back to the dirt
all without a single fuss.
feed me a bit more,
so it can,
it'll make me content just for the day.
It's a promise that I'll break
because after all
everything about everything
is always just about me.
I can be sweet,
just enough to rot your teeth.
I can be honest,
just enough to be blunt,
about how I just can't stand your ways
because after all
everything it's about me.
You didn't get the memo?
If I could get any more sick
I might just be able to love You
almost as much as I hate you.
I could throw up
and be rid of everything that is me
and return this status quo
of not knowing
or wanting to care anymore.
Why did you set this stirring in my heart
just so it could become a blister
an ache driving me further insane?
Just cut it out,
slice out this heart
and indulge an old serpent
whose only sole concern
is about no longer feeling.
I would rather be blinded
and loose my touch,
have my words stolen
and never utter a sound
or write another trite verse.
If it could just make you happy
I would gladly cut off these ties
and loose everything
that ever made myself
just myself about myself.
Just a few grains of sand
and I'll be done,
don't worry
everything is fading
and soon enough
my voice will be stilled.
No longer a burning
or an ache
just an empty vessel,
worthless dust to dust
and back to the dirt
all without a single fuss.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
"Oh Lord, I’m sick of myself
I’d rather bury it than carry it
I’m desperate for help
And barely sentient means I’m just being me
Follow suit the destitute my modus operandi
A face that’s marked by pallor means you’re wasting away
So get a tan and raise your hands and take to feeling okay
No one enjoys the party when they’re stricken with anemia
A shallow sinking surface simply screaming septicemia
Peace of mind is hard to find
So I’m standing in line and feeling fine
Aye, me sad hours seem long
And even longer when you’re numb
Fading away and that’s okay
Cause life has me under her thumb"
I’d rather bury it than carry it
I’m desperate for help
And barely sentient means I’m just being me
Follow suit the destitute my modus operandi
A face that’s marked by pallor means you’re wasting away
So get a tan and raise your hands and take to feeling okay
No one enjoys the party when they’re stricken with anemia
A shallow sinking surface simply screaming septicemia
Peace of mind is hard to find
So I’m standing in line and feeling fine
Aye, me sad hours seem long
And even longer when you’re numb
Fading away and that’s okay
Cause life has me under her thumb"
Quote of the Day - Part Two:
“Stealing things is a glorious occupation, particularly in the art world.”
-Malcolm Mclaren
-Malcolm Mclaren
Dirt Encrusted Heart
I feel,
I feel the tension,
the cancer
eating you on the inside.
I see,
I see the revelation,
the pain
you wear as a see through dress.
Every time,
Every moment,
that is passing by me on the street
I wonder how this all came to be
why we just can't stop this madness
long enough to see,
see each other through the night.
I hate,
I hate just this feeling,
this gangrene frustration
building up in my body
as I seek to cut it out
and have you see my intent,
how my heart is real
and vibrant and alive.
But you,
yes you dear angel of night,
do you still feel?
Does your orbit around earth
even permit you to hear sound?
Do you see the pinning
and tear drops fall while crying,
all this for you,
just to gather attention once again?
I can't quite comprehend
just how all this came to be
and instead,
I just sit here drinking
and hoping for reprieve,
that life will be mine to live again.
Just without your circular logic,
the short circuits in my soul
that you set off
when you tripped the breaker
on your way out each door.
Not just running from me
but leaving yourself behind
and we both watch on
wondering when you'll bother to return,
pay a visit to you and you,
but don't worry about me.
It's already a late night
so I'm going to turn in
and hope that maybe
this has all just been a dream,
maybe a bad night
or just my selfish heart pursuit.
I feel the tension,
the cancer
eating you on the inside.
I see,
I see the revelation,
the pain
you wear as a see through dress.
Every time,
Every moment,
that is passing by me on the street
I wonder how this all came to be
why we just can't stop this madness
long enough to see,
see each other through the night.
I hate,
I hate just this feeling,
this gangrene frustration
building up in my body
as I seek to cut it out
and have you see my intent,
how my heart is real
and vibrant and alive.
But you,
yes you dear angel of night,
do you still feel?
Does your orbit around earth
even permit you to hear sound?
Do you see the pinning
and tear drops fall while crying,
all this for you,
just to gather attention once again?
I can't quite comprehend
just how all this came to be
and instead,
I just sit here drinking
and hoping for reprieve,
that life will be mine to live again.
Just without your circular logic,
the short circuits in my soul
that you set off
when you tripped the breaker
on your way out each door.
Not just running from me
but leaving yourself behind
and we both watch on
wondering when you'll bother to return,
pay a visit to you and you,
but don't worry about me.
It's already a late night
so I'm going to turn in
and hope that maybe
this has all just been a dream,
maybe a bad night
or just my selfish heart pursuit.
You know...anytime someone draws a comparison between your personal writing styles and one of your heroes, it is ALWAYS a good day.
Although, you know I still would be quite taller than C.S. Lewis.
Heh...it is so sad I go out of my way to compare my height to everyone and everything around me...but hey, you got to be proud of what you have. I've got my freaking awesome hair which is still rocking, eyes with so many colors it could be its own Beatles album and something that is quite similar to but not actually health.
Although, you know I still would be quite taller than C.S. Lewis.
Heh...it is so sad I go out of my way to compare my height to everyone and everything around me...but hey, you got to be proud of what you have. I've got my freaking awesome hair which is still rocking, eyes with so many colors it could be its own Beatles album and something that is quite similar to but not actually health.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Reactionary Force
Foolish breath catching sentiments
regarding life and life poorly spent.
Crudely cut edges
jutting out
and playing at rusting
as life takes on a monotone of confusion.
The absolute worst way of living
is in a lie
but what is a lie
when all one sees
is what we want to see?
Beginning or ending
synonymous with redudancy
and circular logic
giving birth to my own flaws
as I seek a path that I never knew.
I feel rage at injustice
and tears of frustration
as I lay here,
cancer eating my soul
and I flirt with curing it with hope.
There is nothing left,
everything that is sorrow
and everything renewed,
ever half spoken truth
dancing as a lie
and the tarnished halo
held up by tired hands
are just the inverse image
of a photographic moment.
Selling myself short for nothing
just doesn't do.
When you are tall enough to hit the ceiling
and low hanging pipes.
regarding life and life poorly spent.
Crudely cut edges
jutting out
and playing at rusting
as life takes on a monotone of confusion.
The absolute worst way of living
is in a lie
but what is a lie
when all one sees
is what we want to see?
Beginning or ending
synonymous with redudancy
and circular logic
giving birth to my own flaws
as I seek a path that I never knew.
I feel rage at injustice
and tears of frustration
as I lay here,
cancer eating my soul
and I flirt with curing it with hope.
There is nothing left,
everything that is sorrow
and everything renewed,
ever half spoken truth
dancing as a lie
and the tarnished halo
held up by tired hands
are just the inverse image
of a photographic moment.
Selling myself short for nothing
just doesn't do.
When you are tall enough to hit the ceiling
and low hanging pipes.
"Carrying Cathy" - Ben Folds
Because I love all of you so much I feel the need to slap you all collectively in the face with a stupefyingly beautiful song.
Quote of the Day:
“I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”
-Elie Wiesel
If I ever had a tattoo it would be of that quote.
When I stop long enough to take my head from the sand of girl drama, church drama and self hate I shove it in just so I can soothe the dull ache in my soul from not showing real love...I realize how absolutely pathetic this plastic bubble is compared to REAL life.
I think the reason I feel so confused with suffering and being in pain...is because I have bought into the crap that says life is supposed to always be cheerful, playful, I'm going to get what I want and everyone is going to cater to me.
Pain is going to turn me into who I will be in eternity.
The tears I shed on this side of heaven are part of the baptism of fire that living in the real world demands.
Life is horrifying, real life is not plastic, there are no happy endings in the short term...we do not see the resolution we want, instead we feel heart break and pain as we long for something more.
It's hope that life will not disappoint but life will disappoint.
I honestly think the best thing we can do is form community and love each other, hold each other up as best as we can as this world continues to dissolve into greater Hell. But the beauty is that if we just try to intervene, say a prayer and put that love into action...we can't change the world but we can do something so much more important...forever change the life of a person living on this world.
The grace, the Gospel of Christ is for the sick and broken...unless we are broken and brought down low so that are sinful pride is cast to the fires of Hell of which is blossoms...then all Jesus becomes to us is a religious figure we use for making our own religious wars.
Every day I have woke up this week was more confusing than the last...I've reconnected with a few beloved friends...and sort of feel like I may be loosing another. I do not know...I cannot know...I just want you to know I promise to be faithful as a friend. I will be here to talk, to show love and pray for you on every step of the way.
I can love you like I am learning to love myself because it is the grace of Jesus which lifted this broken body and jaded soul out of the pits and is giving me a new song to sing.
I have no doubt I will be back to whining and complaining soon enough...but I promise to move forward so I can live out my love so it can burn in me and overflow so that it may bless you too.
THAT is what true love is.
Loving enough to throw everything away and diving head first into this dark world so that we may be a light to the dying and lost. The sick need their doctor and when we stop to realize we're just as infected as the world is with selfish ambition...we can realize that Jesus came to save the religious hypocrite just as much as the meth addicted prostitute who wants to kill herself.
We're born to love...we have to dear, we cannot stop here if we want to live life.
It is about us as much as it is not...do not give up...the night is dark but never will Your Love forsake you, never will He abandon You...your emotions and desires may fail and deceive you...but you know the Love of which I speak.
Do not give up in this darkness.
"Sometimes the bravest thing of all is to hope."
-Elie Wiesel
If I ever had a tattoo it would be of that quote.
When I stop long enough to take my head from the sand of girl drama, church drama and self hate I shove it in just so I can soothe the dull ache in my soul from not showing real love...I realize how absolutely pathetic this plastic bubble is compared to REAL life.
I think the reason I feel so confused with suffering and being in pain...is because I have bought into the crap that says life is supposed to always be cheerful, playful, I'm going to get what I want and everyone is going to cater to me.
Pain is going to turn me into who I will be in eternity.
The tears I shed on this side of heaven are part of the baptism of fire that living in the real world demands.
Life is horrifying, real life is not plastic, there are no happy endings in the short term...we do not see the resolution we want, instead we feel heart break and pain as we long for something more.
It's hope that life will not disappoint but life will disappoint.
I honestly think the best thing we can do is form community and love each other, hold each other up as best as we can as this world continues to dissolve into greater Hell. But the beauty is that if we just try to intervene, say a prayer and put that love into action...we can't change the world but we can do something so much more important...forever change the life of a person living on this world.
The grace, the Gospel of Christ is for the sick and broken...unless we are broken and brought down low so that are sinful pride is cast to the fires of Hell of which is blossoms...then all Jesus becomes to us is a religious figure we use for making our own religious wars.
Every day I have woke up this week was more confusing than the last...I've reconnected with a few beloved friends...and sort of feel like I may be loosing another. I do not know...I cannot know...I just want you to know I promise to be faithful as a friend. I will be here to talk, to show love and pray for you on every step of the way.
I can love you like I am learning to love myself because it is the grace of Jesus which lifted this broken body and jaded soul out of the pits and is giving me a new song to sing.
I have no doubt I will be back to whining and complaining soon enough...but I promise to move forward so I can live out my love so it can burn in me and overflow so that it may bless you too.
THAT is what true love is.
Loving enough to throw everything away and diving head first into this dark world so that we may be a light to the dying and lost. The sick need their doctor and when we stop to realize we're just as infected as the world is with selfish ambition...we can realize that Jesus came to save the religious hypocrite just as much as the meth addicted prostitute who wants to kill herself.
We're born to love...we have to dear, we cannot stop here if we want to live life.
It is about us as much as it is not...do not give up...the night is dark but never will Your Love forsake you, never will He abandon You...your emotions and desires may fail and deceive you...but you know the Love of which I speak.
Do not give up in this darkness.
"Sometimes the bravest thing of all is to hope."
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