I wish I understood...

Love

Why don't I love more?

Why am I so selfish and short tempered with those I'm supposed to love?

I'm so sick of myself...and trying to serve myself, it is like every time I think I've found You my Love, my Lord...I just have to start back over because I am worshiping who I THINK You are...as opposed to who YOU really are.

I'm so sick of myself, I want to just throw up this false gospel of works, this false gospel of self indulgence, this false gospel of self that demands that I be a god, hallowed be my name.

This is what I hate, I wish I could let go instead of beating myself senselessly.

Could You draw near to me again?
Pull close and wrap me in Your love again?

I want to be angry and act out in hate...but this isn't me...this isn't who I want to be.

I want to be yours...I want to be a son again...I want to be cleaned of all this filth, I want my lips to be purged of sin and to have my heart cleansed and to feel Your Spirit upon me again...please do not forsake or forget me.

Don't leave me in this night, this dark night that I'm so sick of me in.

You know...the dog kicking me in the stomach hasn't actually helped me feel anymore endeared to it...just saying...

It's not that I hate dogs...it's just I have no patience for people who will not send their dog to a trainer and then they act surprised when the dog misbehaves.

Plus the ungodly smell. I can't stand the smells of a dog not being cleaned up after...it's just as bad as cigarette smoke and both give me intense migraines...so a house with both almost makes my eyes explode from my head. #_#

I'm okay though...just little to no sleep and feeling bleearghish.

I love cats...they are so easy to train because as soon as they figure out the litter box (mostly on their own mind you) the only thing left to do is have them judge you and make you feel inferior.

They are the perfect pet for lonely masochists.

Quote of the Day:

"Those who are clever in imagination are far more pleased with themselves than prudent men could reasonably be."
-Blaise Pascal

"I Need You" - Relient K

I've dug up miles and miles of sand
Searching for something I can't see
And I've just got bruised and battered hands
And a brand new void inside of me
Complete with walls I did create
From all the earth that I've displaced
A mess that I have made from what
I've just let pile and pile up
I have not been abandoned, no I have not been
Deserted and I have not been forgotten

I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause you're everything I need

Explore the cave that is my chest
A torch reveals there's nothing left
Your whispers echo off the walls
And you can hear my distant calls
The voice of who I used to be
Screaming out "someone, someone please
Please shine a light into the black
Wade through the depths and bring me back

I have not been abandoned, no I have not been
Deserted and I have not been forgotten

I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause you're everything I need

When my hopes seem to dangle
Somewhere just beyond my reach
You say you've heard my prayers
And read my words there on the beach

I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause you're everything I need

I think the newest story of my life is simply going to be incredibly low expectations coupled with massive amounts of effort place in simply trying...then I will just wait to see what happens...

Seems demented enough for me.
And I can maybe even sleep on that idea and not have incredibly bad back and neck pain.

I'm...so...so tired of pain and bleeding and such.
Little help please?

"You hide behind your broken wings
your dreams are all for better things
and in the dark we climb this slope
cause the bravest thing is always hope."

*whew*

Broke the 11k word mark...I'm getting close again...very, very close...

"You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom"

I'm falling behind in the word wars because sitting at the desk hurts too freaking much... =/

Gah!

I will not loose!

I'm catching up!

Quote of the Day:

"Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all."
-Emily Dickinson

I wonder if I can convert to Catholicism on a part time basis so I can start charging people for treating me as a portable confession booth...

I feel confused.

I give up...I can't even hit 8500 oh well. =/

Stupid emotional investments screwing with my mind on top of my lousy stomach acting up.

You can keep your dirty cows.

The only kind of cows I eat are Brahman.

Nothing tastes as good as blasphemous beef...mmm...nom nom...

Apparently my group of heroes are walking at a very fast paced 'trout'. -_-

Ah such pretty noveling Christmas lights...

Observation of the Day:

Pretensions yes, but awesome all the same.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metafiction

My brain feels like melted plastic and I'm hungry.
Very hungry for some reason or another.
And novel writing...so freaking hard...can't focus...loosing to others in a word war...mustn't...happen...

"I've grown tired of chasing
Convinced I was in need
And now the years I've spent
Only a slave to this
Tomorrow may fall
And today is already gone
I will no longer adore
These things that will never satisfy me

I have seen my world change
And then go back to where it came
In this vicious circle
We are all brought back to life
Only to die again
But without these barren obsessions
I am simply free"

Quote of the Day:

"Grace means you're in a different universe from where you had been stuck, when you had absolutely no way to get there on your own."
-Anne Lamott

On a less than serious note...Muses may order the hitting of their charges but they need to keep a close check on their word count or they may not realize they are falling behind again...

Yeah.

I went there.

I have a lot of profane and angry things to say about this afternoon...but I'm praying. The sad thing is the people who need love and prayer the most often times receive neither...but God why do the good have to hurt because of the stupid decisions of others?