Feeling...quite weak and shaky...nothing too bad...just a bad day.
Things could be worse...thankfully it's looking up.
Bright lights ahead, hope eternal...even when hurting...even in pain..and being so distant and away...
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Quote of the Day, the Fourth:
"I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole? "
-Morpheus, 'The Matrix'
-Morpheus, 'The Matrix'
A Post Marked Letter
Someday I hope I can bring this,
someday I hope to give,
someday I hope to return
and have it not miss.
I want to give you
these things,
I want you to have
so much,
but it's not my place.
Everyone wants security,
the trappings of divine love
and the freedom from being guilty
and how I can give it
I know not.
I just know my words are weak
and my rhymes are fleeting
at this very late hour.
But there is sincerity
lining my hope.
I feel the sunrise
and know the morning
will be rushing all to soon
and what of the night?
There is a sacredness,
this divine covering
oft times missed at this hour,
witching and bewitching it is.
someday I hope to give,
someday I hope to return
and have it not miss.
I want to give you
these things,
I want you to have
so much,
but it's not my place.
Everyone wants security,
the trappings of divine love
and the freedom from being guilty
and how I can give it
I know not.
I just know my words are weak
and my rhymes are fleeting
at this very late hour.
But there is sincerity
lining my hope.
I feel the sunrise
and know the morning
will be rushing all to soon
and what of the night?
There is a sacredness,
this divine covering
oft times missed at this hour,
witching and bewitching it is.
Quote of the Day - Part Three:
"I grew up hearing everyone tell me 'God loves you'. I would say big deal, God loves everybody. That don't make me special! That just proves that God ain't got no taste. And, I don't think He does. Thank God! Because He ...takes the junk of our lives and makes the most beautiful art."
-Rich Mullins
-Rich Mullins
Quote of the Day - Part Two:
"I am deeply distressed by what I only can call in our Christian culture the idolatry of the Scriptures. For many Christians, the Bible is not a pointer to God but God himself... God cannot be confined within the covers of a leather-bound book. I develop a nasty rash around people who speak as if mere scrutiny of its pages will reveal precisely how God thinks and precisely what God wants."
-Brennan Manning
-Brennan Manning
Quote of the Day:
"The Bible is not a book for the faint of heart--it is a book full of all the greed and glory and violence and tenderness and sex and betrayal that befits mankind. It is not the collection of pretty little anecdotes mouthed by pious little church mice--it does not so much nibble at our shoe leather as it cuts to the heart and splits the marrow from the bone. It does not give us answers fitted to our small-minded questions, but truth that goes beyond what we even know to ask."
-Rich Mullins
-Rich Mullins
It feels like every time I get my mind off of...and not thinking of...
Everything comes rushing back at once.
As much as there can be with so little.
I think I just need to find a way to keep my mind engaged and not worrying about the future, just taking care of everything I can as I can.
It's as silly as infatuation is...
Being lost in me as I'm lost in...
I can't give a concise disposition because of..
So much and so little at the same time.
Aggravating inconsistencies as I wander about wondering and being curious about what is to come, in this and all there is to see.
Everything comes rushing back at once.
As much as there can be with so little.
I think I just need to find a way to keep my mind engaged and not worrying about the future, just taking care of everything I can as I can.
It's as silly as infatuation is...
Being lost in me as I'm lost in...
I can't give a concise disposition because of..
So much and so little at the same time.
Aggravating inconsistencies as I wander about wondering and being curious about what is to come, in this and all there is to see.
Charlie Brown...drawn Manga style? o_O
Quite an interesting take on one my most beloved cartoon strips:
http://shuroki.com/2007/07/22/charlie-brown-manga-style/
Note: I just realized that the post for those drawings was done on my twenty-first birthday...strange.
http://shuroki.com/2007/07/22/charlie-brown-manga-style/
Note: I just realized that the post for those drawings was done on my twenty-first birthday...strange.
Monday, October 26, 2009
It's sad what depresses me and gets me into ruts and to how seriously I contemplate death and the nature of suicide.
This is all just so unnaturally silly and pointless.
I'm not a nihilist, life has meaning but everything people are getting so worked up about is meaningless...
Ecclesiastes is about the only wisdom book in the Bible I bother to constantly reread but the basic message is to love and fear God, do work you love and enjoy marriage.
That is it.
Love God, love people and stay busy.
Nothing else, no other expectations and God that is nice.
Because right now I just don't care.
I'm so sick of everything else and don't want to bother contemplating the absolute absurdity of what this all doesn't mean anymore.
I don't even want hugs or to be seen.
I want enough peace and quiet from the feelings of unexpressed internal agony long, freedom long enough so I can just finish why I'm here so I can lay down and go to sleep.
I want to go Home.
I can't stand being an outcast, this alien with no homeland...I'm a stranger who is only getting more lost and disconnected as the days go on.
Only a handful know of the Lover I speak of, only a few know what it is like to look up and realize you ARE standing in the hand of eternity and that hand loves you and died for you, died and lived again to fix the mistakes you made.
I need to know someone who feels it as deep, feels the agony of sin and know it's been washed away. I need someone to help me that loves Jesus more than they could ever hope to love me...I just need a reminder that despite the drowning feelings...that everything is going to be okay...I'm not the only one insane in this overwhelmingly dull and sane world.
I'm so sick of the hate, of the pain and all this useless trash.
This is all just so unnaturally silly and pointless.
I'm not a nihilist, life has meaning but everything people are getting so worked up about is meaningless...
Ecclesiastes is about the only wisdom book in the Bible I bother to constantly reread but the basic message is to love and fear God, do work you love and enjoy marriage.
That is it.
Love God, love people and stay busy.
Nothing else, no other expectations and God that is nice.
Because right now I just don't care.
I'm so sick of everything else and don't want to bother contemplating the absolute absurdity of what this all doesn't mean anymore.
I don't even want hugs or to be seen.
I want enough peace and quiet from the feelings of unexpressed internal agony long, freedom long enough so I can just finish why I'm here so I can lay down and go to sleep.
I want to go Home.
I can't stand being an outcast, this alien with no homeland...I'm a stranger who is only getting more lost and disconnected as the days go on.
Only a handful know of the Lover I speak of, only a few know what it is like to look up and realize you ARE standing in the hand of eternity and that hand loves you and died for you, died and lived again to fix the mistakes you made.
I need to know someone who feels it as deep, feels the agony of sin and know it's been washed away. I need someone to help me that loves Jesus more than they could ever hope to love me...I just need a reminder that despite the drowning feelings...that everything is going to be okay...I'm not the only one insane in this overwhelmingly dull and sane world.
I'm so sick of the hate, of the pain and all this useless trash.
Not Enough Time, Not for Now, Not for Later
Yeah I'm drunk on fear
and intoxicated with pain.
Trembling hands shaking
from the pending collapse.
I'm addicted to me
hoping for a collage of hope
while smirking the smile of cynicism.
I'm closing the curtain
the one that was torn
and take another handful of pills
as my vision fades back out
and the tremors return
and I return to the subject
that is always about me.
I got a note in the post
saying my old idols
they are getting jealous
and missing me,
wanting to know when
they can come back over for tea.
The golden calf of adultery,
the alcoholism I haven't developed yet
and my prejudicial hate all there
sending out love letters.
I don't sleep anymore
I gave it up
because of life
starting to call me out
on my religious bluffs
and the slight of hand
about my frailness
when it comes to this illness.
I hear the abrasive guitar
and the screams it matches in my soul.
I wanted mainstream success
to be a poet with the ages
and now I don't care.
Let it burn,
let this all burn down
to the sounds of nihilistic glee
that comes with the Knowledge of all knowledge.
I can't breath with the weight
pressing on my lungs
forcing the air out
as a prayer
and I want to be free
so sick of me
so sick of me
as I cry mercy
and for love
oh my Love.
What if I could reach
deep inside
and feel your heartbeat tonight?
Would you feel me,
could you hear my doubt
and feel the fear inside of me?
Would it strike you as funny
to know I'm more terrified
of happiness
than I ever was of this illness?
Burn my lips
and cut my tongue,
just take these words from me
and purify this mind.
Music can't tame the savage beast
barely held in check
right behind my breast bone
as I scream the profane
while clutching to promises
of a blessing
and God,
it is now or never.
The finite is calling out the infinite.
Crush me like an insect
or heal me.
Restore my heart
or blast me into nothingness.
I can't speak of a preference
because I don't care.
I'm too numb to care,
I'm too number to bother
because to me
death is just preferable
because I'll never speak sin,
I'll never break away from You
and never run again.
You see the coward I am
and the fool I've been.
How drunk off of fear
and how intoxicated I am by sin.
My soul is stretched,
too little over too much area
and Lover rescue me.
Save me or end me
it's all the same
from down here
in this hole
below the ground.
and intoxicated with pain.
Trembling hands shaking
from the pending collapse.
I'm addicted to me
hoping for a collage of hope
while smirking the smile of cynicism.
I'm closing the curtain
the one that was torn
and take another handful of pills
as my vision fades back out
and the tremors return
and I return to the subject
that is always about me.
I got a note in the post
saying my old idols
they are getting jealous
and missing me,
wanting to know when
they can come back over for tea.
The golden calf of adultery,
the alcoholism I haven't developed yet
and my prejudicial hate all there
sending out love letters.
I don't sleep anymore
I gave it up
because of life
starting to call me out
on my religious bluffs
and the slight of hand
about my frailness
when it comes to this illness.
I hear the abrasive guitar
and the screams it matches in my soul.
I wanted mainstream success
to be a poet with the ages
and now I don't care.
Let it burn,
let this all burn down
to the sounds of nihilistic glee
that comes with the Knowledge of all knowledge.
I can't breath with the weight
pressing on my lungs
forcing the air out
as a prayer
and I want to be free
so sick of me
so sick of me
as I cry mercy
and for love
oh my Love.
What if I could reach
deep inside
and feel your heartbeat tonight?
Would you feel me,
could you hear my doubt
and feel the fear inside of me?
Would it strike you as funny
to know I'm more terrified
of happiness
than I ever was of this illness?
Burn my lips
and cut my tongue,
just take these words from me
and purify this mind.
Music can't tame the savage beast
barely held in check
right behind my breast bone
as I scream the profane
while clutching to promises
of a blessing
and God,
it is now or never.
The finite is calling out the infinite.
Crush me like an insect
or heal me.
Restore my heart
or blast me into nothingness.
I can't speak of a preference
because I don't care.
I'm too numb to care,
I'm too number to bother
because to me
death is just preferable
because I'll never speak sin,
I'll never break away from You
and never run again.
You see the coward I am
and the fool I've been.
How drunk off of fear
and how intoxicated I am by sin.
My soul is stretched,
too little over too much area
and Lover rescue me.
Save me or end me
it's all the same
from down here
in this hole
below the ground.
"Truth is an arrow and the gate is narrow that it passes through,
He unleashed His power at an unknown hour that no one knew.
How long can I listen to the lies of prejudice?
How long can I stay drunk on fear out in the wilderness?
Can I cast it aside, all this loyalty and this pride?
Will I ever learn that there'll be no peace, that the war won't cease
Until He returns?"
He unleashed His power at an unknown hour that no one knew.
How long can I listen to the lies of prejudice?
How long can I stay drunk on fear out in the wilderness?
Can I cast it aside, all this loyalty and this pride?
Will I ever learn that there'll be no peace, that the war won't cease
Until He returns?"
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