Something of this and something of that.

I'm not busy enough so I may just hide in here.


Sometimes even just saying hey to...familiar...fam...ones is hard.

I'm reluctant in speech and biting down on words by the dozen.

I feel something cold that I don't understand.

If I ever got a new dog it would be awesome to get one of these:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raccoon_dog

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Tanuki01_960.jpg


What is it with me and having a heart for the animals where God got bored and threw several species in a blender and let it whirl?

A pity I can't get a domestic platypus...

I've been working on a short story...I think I'm almost finished with it.

Hmm...I should start a pool about my health care.

I could have won the one at my mom's office about what was wrong...I guessed neurological about a year ago.

Turns out the good doctor keeps forgetting to write my referral...must keep calling and keep up the harassment campaign!

What was that my poor brain?

The Mayo Clinic is going to cause you to have an aneurysm?

A Little Swing, A Little Dance

Either way is here...everywhere is nowhere but here.
A sonnet...a penny for your thought
Buying these poorly constructed metaphors
and selling feelings I never bought.
Hearing the opening and closing of doors
meaning words I don't know or can hear.

Good night.
Good morning.

Is it still just all the same?
I'm not sure either
I just know it's neither games
or an endless pursuit of pain
nor just this breath of ether
to wake me from slumber.

I'm afraid structure is slipping in
breaking through cracks
making things stack against me
and making whatever this is be
just another step in and out.
In and out of whatever sync
we're struggling to find
in whatever conditioned world this is.

I wanted to open but maybe it should be closed.
Maybe.
I'm not sure either
just that I want to be known and understood
and being understood as being understood.
Time is a friend
or maybe just an enemy in disguise
playing at his game and here we go.
Breaking, falling, spinning
into this place here.

It's just a good night
and a good morning,
sleep tight
and dream until daylight sparks
break through your eyes
lighting up life
and bringing together
another day that might make life
just seem another day.
Knowing I don't know
but knowing just enough
just to say
I hope it's good,
hope its beautiful
hope its wonderful
and more you could ever ask for.
Sleep today
and wake up feeling
more together
and less apart
then you could ever have at night.

Heh...happy, happy, happy?

I'm not sure about that either...now that I think about it.

I forget to...but I meant to ask...who are you?

Everywhere I go, every time I go there I see that one...picture...again and...again...and...

"Suna No Hoshi (Stars of Sand)" - Trigun Soundtrack

"Under a blood-red sky
A crowd has gathered in black and white
Arms entwined, the chosen few
The newspaper says, says
Say it's true, it's true
And we can break through
Though torn in two, we can be one

I, I will begin again"

Two Staples of My Life

I need to inject some hope.

"I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me."

"What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way"

"Sometimes I feel like I don't know
Sometimes I feel like checking out
I wanna get it wrong
Can't always be strong
And love it won't be long"

"Ultra Violet (Light My Way)" - U2

I'm too tired/lazy to care about trying to put another band together...but I realized the name 'Epilogue' isn't such a bad name for a band.

Also if I could ever do my electronic project I've wanted to for years it would incorporate the sampling and remixing of many Super Nintendo era songs...so the name 'Epoch' (as a not so subtle reference to 'Chrono Trigger') would be a rocking name.

Still...feel like death.

I hate, hate, hate migraines...

"I sometimes feel like I'm Holden Caulfield,
sometimes Jack Kerouac.
I wanted to be famous,
now I want to take it back.
Don't want to rock the mic,
don't want to meet the pope,
I just want to share with you,
how we got this peace and hope.

I once wanted to be famous,
now I want to take it back."

"The Fear Of God" - Showbread

Dear God, why should I think You’re good in a world that’s falling apart?
The flags and lies, picket signs raised high, the endless enveloping dark
Now here we sit, drifting further from You, two thousand years on their way out
Now here I am, as I’ve grown to know You, still haunted by my fears and my doubts

Just a man, just a vapor, just a waste of your space
All the good that I’ve done is in spite of myself
I’m not sure that I can look You in Your face when I finally set foot in Your kingdom

Dear God, what went wrong? We hate ourselves, we hate our brother
We so desperately want to find our way, and all You say is "love one another"

And little babies starve to death, emaciated, out of breath
Unfaithful wives make vows untrue, husbands beat them black and blue
Junkies vomit in the streets, writhing, twitching in their skin
Sell themselves to die some more, rotting from the outside in
Parents steal the innocence from their children, scared and shaking
Drink away the guilt at night, brings quiet to the endless aching
And evil men boast on TV, swimming in a sea of wealth
While misery beds honest men, and lonely people kill themselves
And everyone cries out Your name, as the world is raped by selfishness
And no one knows the way to heaven, we only know the emptiness
And the storm it rages in my heart, and the endless empty roars in my ears
My world is coming all apart, I’ve no strength left to dry my tears
And through it all I hear Your voice, breaking my heart, breaking my will
Calms the storm inside my soul as You whisper "peace, be still..."

You place Your hands around my heart, You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen

"You Don't Know Me" - Ben Folds

"Teardrop" - Massive Attack

'Teardrop on the fire'

Nothing is shutting down right now...I feel so...devoid of anything meaningful.

I want to edit my latest essay but I can't bare to write a defense to ward off criticism for reading 'evil' novels.

I feel so stressed.

Like I'm going to explode...or throw up or just cry or something.

I can't get this poison out.

Music isn't helping, I can't focus to pray...I've no one I can talk to...I just need out.

Now.

Some escape, I want to run away...not to my imagination because it's empty and ugly...it just reminds me of how plagued everything is. How I keep nicking myself with a razor blade while shaving and the blood just creeps down my throat and reminds me of how a few years ago I almost threw everything away over a person who I doubt would spit on me if I was on fire.

There are so many thoughts that are not just racing but tearing through my head right now.

Desires.

Screams.

Pain.

I have a migraine.

My spine feels like it's on fire.

I keep forgetting that although hair itself cannot hurt the bits that connect the follicles to my scalp can get agitated and hurt like a mofo.

Jesus what am I even trying to pray for?

Do You know?

Why don't I just nuke this blog and migrate back to my anonymous Live Journal account from back in college? It was whiny stupid prayers but at least I didn't have people trying to confront my problems...or over analyzing every phrase.

I just don't like myself right now.

Or You (You, being Jesus, please don't ask if it is you. Thanks.).

I don't know right now.

Things are still racing.

I want to talk to You, yes You.
Could you bother to come down long enough for us to speak?

I keep thinking of my favorite Peanuts shirt (which I keep getting reminded that it is 'childish', thank you for the fashion advice and please go find some short pier to take a long walk on) and it's one of the 'Sandlot Peanuts' strips. I connected to well because I read these when I was in third through fifth grade and I played little league and sucked, horribly.

Back to the point.

Charlie Brown swings and misses the ball so he says 'fine' and he leaves and holds Snoopy in his lap and says "At least I can hold my dog." and Snoopy promptly falls out of his lap. I wish I could hold my dog but I can't. He died back in May while I was back in Mobile for a wedding I really had little desire to go to.

He was one of the few living things from my childhood I liked quite a bit.

I still have my cat but he'll leave me too in a few years, if I'm lucky.

Or maybe I'll just end up abandoning him whenever I get the Hell out of this place.

I don't know...I don't know if I live in the future or live so apart from time that I'll wake up and it'll be the day before yesterday or just another relentless list of things to not do.

I don't know.

Have I said that lately?

Jeez...people will start thinking I'm stressed or crazy or crazily stressed or something.

Something.

Distracted by fallen angels and muses...shooting stars and songs of elves while sitting here and not knowing what I'm doing here.

I keep thinking of wasting what little money I have on reactivating my World of Warcraft account and will slap myself if I do that. I don't think I am going to let anyone pay for that so I'll just start making statues out of stray bits of paper in my room or something.

Or maybe I'll just pile everything outside and burn it.

That might be nice.

Seeing the movie tonight did something in me...disturbed something that I thought I had locked down and smothered.

Finishing the book earlier just awoke more nostalgia and more of a reminder that this place isn't my home, this world isn't what I was meant to live in...that things are fallen and make no sense...and the more people try to push me into a mold the more pissed off I get and the more tired I get of *people*.

No one knows what they should do with themselves and I'm not angry at well meaning advice...just people shoving their opinions as absolute truth down my throat.

I just want to explode...not hurt others...not cause pain...but just brilliantly explode in flames and be done with it all...just pass through into what is real.

It doesn't feel like this flesh, this world, this being, these desires are real...it's like this is all a horrible dream...a fleeting nightmare before I awake into the real world...wake into grace...and love...and the Life that is endless...that is beauty and has no constraint.