Maybe I need a bit more humility.

Conflicting messages...overloaded pain receptors and the feelings of reality cracking along the path it had created.

Wow.

What next?

Sleep.

Maybe again.

I've tried watching House...but it just isn't entertaining anymore.
Maybe it's because I've spent so much fruitless time in hospitals...or being told I need a real life version of him to diagnose my issues.

Reality is a bit too cruel at times.

"I went out walking through streets paved with gold
Lifted some stones
Saw the skin and bones of a city without a soul
I went out walking under an atomic sky
Where the ground won't turn and the rain
It burns like the tears when I said goodbye"

Roses and Towers

Well one book left.

You know I don't like to argue but unless this book is an utter bomb then I have to disagree with your thoughts about the series being ho-hum.

Maybe I just get excited too easily but 'wow' is all I can say.

I'm sad because the book series is almost ending...and also because I am realizing that story telling isn't one of my primary gifts. It's there...and you're right I need to work on it...but at the same time like music it wasn't why I was put here. Two things I love with an endless obsession but not my chief reason for being.

I think we really know what that is all about.

Hrmm.

What is the expression?

'Long days and pleasant nights?'

Eh that will do for now.

"Love rescue me" - U2

Love rescue me
Come forth and speak to me
Raise me up and don't let me fall
No man is my enemy
My own hands imprison me
Love rescue me

Many strangers have I met
On the road to my regret
Many lost who seek to find themselves in me
They ask me to reveal
The very thoughts they would conceal
Love rescue me

And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm here without a name in the palace of my shame
Love rescue me

In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me

And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me

I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me

I sometimes get the distinct impression that a number of relationships I have established live and die based on how much I am needed.

I suppose that isn't very polite at all but when one spends the majority of his time in a room making calls and letters with no return...you start to wonder how many friendship's were either fragments of imaginations and how many are simply the paranoid delusions of an exhausted mind with such ill timing.

""There must be some way out of here," said the joker to the thief,"

Freaking.
Awesome.
Art.
Just saying.

That is the fourth time I've almost plummeted down a flight of stairs today. -_-

I'm almost frightened to say that physically I'm feeling better today than I have in a while.

I feel more than slightly terrible about that.

Long (but good) Article on the Evil's of Prayer in Public Schools

It's nice to see sane Christians who bother to read history:


http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/ultimate-word-school-prayer

It's the small things that do matter.

So of course I'm worried now.

Kicking self really hard for that oversight.

Night Time Waves

I sometimes wonder if my life is going to end with these medications like it somehow began with them.

I miss my daddy a lot...well as much as I can miss someone I never really knew.

I wonder what it would have been...could have been like...but the thoughts hurt too bad to finish. Maybe I should take some divinely given advice and write him some letters...but I doubt I could post them on here. Only a couple of people could really understand what I'm feeling...all of this anger, resentment, sorrow, sadness and love...

...and you know I realize I've hurt my friends a lot this week. All by being myself, just showing up in life and being sick as Hell...and I hate it. Given a choice I would just as soon put a bullet in my head then ever hurt another person...ever again.

I don't know if I just enjoy trying to play Jesus but I can't stand causing pain...it about drives me crazy and hurts me deeper then the person I hurt...sometimes.

The showman in me hates disappointing people...maybe it's time for me to think of lies that are better and more believable than life? Even better than the real thing perhaps?

I sold what little protective armor anonymity could bring by advertising this blog like it was something profound...and often times it's just the ramblings of someone either in intense pain or existing on another level of reality because of medication. The absolute sad thing is I'm somehow this 'stoned' and I am not even on narcotics...so I can't think, want to eat food and I'm still in stupid amounts of pain.

There is an underlying irony here that I think I must be missing.

Part of me wants the drugs because although i have never abused them I know full and well I'm addicted to them. Just like how I picked up a 'need' for nicotine by second hand smoke (thank you all) and alcohol as a three year old child (thanks dad). I haven't touched any of that stuff and still I crave it, feel the ache in me like I want some morphine for my pain.

Then again I could just be insane and if that is the case none of this even mattered in the first place.

Or this could just be paranoid delusions.

But most likely it is just me being here and thinking, nothing more or less.

I can afford late night ramblings but I can't afford many people close proximity to my heart and soul...and it's funny how this can be all misread, twisted and turned around...and thought about in ways I never thought to think about it in. I'm not even sure...but thinking in so many dimensions is exhausting...so much so that I think I am finally beginning to just not care all that much.

But I can still pray, I can still hope...I have let my heart bleed this long that there is no sense in trying to stop it. Maybe continued devotion will bring about wisdom with age and with it more early gray hairs.

Soon it'll be time to wake up...face the sun and realized I am Loved. This night will end soon...so what sleep I can gather I will.

Thank You for carrying this sin, this disease, this infirm condition...and how can I forget my shame and endless pain? Help me to remember when You spoke to that frightful little child...help me to never forget the face of You, my true Father, help me to love You like You love me, help me to love others like You love me and most important help me to love me like You love me.

"Canonball" - Five Iron Frenzy

Wind passes right through my skin as I fall down,
this furious speed will only destroy me.
Crippling and devastating momentum,
approaching maximum velocity.
And this is how it's going to be, the point of it all.
'Cause this is what was meant for me,
recklessly I fall.

Hulking, smashing, I come crashing,
nothing like when I was small.
I am unstoppable, I am the cannonball.

Thirty-two feet per second I increase,
as the exponents will multiply.
I'll never stop to look back behind me,
cutting through the bright blue sky.
And this is how it's meant to be,
untethered I will soar.
I'll barrel towards the earth below,
it's what I was made for.

Hulking, smashing, I come crashing,
nothing like when I was small.
I am unstoppable, I am the cannonball.
That feeble coward that you knew,
has undergone an overhaul.
I am unstoppable, I am the cannonball.

And everyone will say it's just an accident,
like some mishap or a tragedy.
I think that failure has a purpose,
and I don't believe it's chance if I fall.
And I know that if I ever do fall, He will catch me.
And if He ever lets me fall down,
for the good of those who believe Him,
He will make me into a cannonball.
Unblemished, and faultless.
A burning luminescence.
Unequaled precision, beyond your scope of vision.
Cannonball.

Mixture of things.

Hi.

Hi.

I hate these feelings...of lack of control...these blind impulses them seem to guide and dictate my actions...there is nobility in them...somewhere but I find it harder to see.

I just want to do the right thing by God's and Love's sake...it's a pity I'm so blind without my glasses that I do not see the truth when it is just within grasp.

Am I...sad?
No that is not it.
Disappointment...followed by uncertainty.

Certainly I cannot wait to feel better.
Leading to whatever this maybe may be.

I confuse myself by over thinking about over thinking.

Only two more Dark Tower novels left and then I'm free!

I can't tell if I'm feeling better or if the house of cards is getting ready to catch fire and explode.

High empathy levels mean that people make me sad. =/