Night Time Waves

I sometimes wonder if my life is going to end with these medications like it somehow began with them.

I miss my daddy a lot...well as much as I can miss someone I never really knew.

I wonder what it would have been...could have been like...but the thoughts hurt too bad to finish. Maybe I should take some divinely given advice and write him some letters...but I doubt I could post them on here. Only a couple of people could really understand what I'm feeling...all of this anger, resentment, sorrow, sadness and love...

...and you know I realize I've hurt my friends a lot this week. All by being myself, just showing up in life and being sick as Hell...and I hate it. Given a choice I would just as soon put a bullet in my head then ever hurt another person...ever again.

I don't know if I just enjoy trying to play Jesus but I can't stand causing pain...it about drives me crazy and hurts me deeper then the person I hurt...sometimes.

The showman in me hates disappointing people...maybe it's time for me to think of lies that are better and more believable than life? Even better than the real thing perhaps?

I sold what little protective armor anonymity could bring by advertising this blog like it was something profound...and often times it's just the ramblings of someone either in intense pain or existing on another level of reality because of medication. The absolute sad thing is I'm somehow this 'stoned' and I am not even on narcotics...so I can't think, want to eat food and I'm still in stupid amounts of pain.

There is an underlying irony here that I think I must be missing.

Part of me wants the drugs because although i have never abused them I know full and well I'm addicted to them. Just like how I picked up a 'need' for nicotine by second hand smoke (thank you all) and alcohol as a three year old child (thanks dad). I haven't touched any of that stuff and still I crave it, feel the ache in me like I want some morphine for my pain.

Then again I could just be insane and if that is the case none of this even mattered in the first place.

Or this could just be paranoid delusions.

But most likely it is just me being here and thinking, nothing more or less.

I can afford late night ramblings but I can't afford many people close proximity to my heart and soul...and it's funny how this can be all misread, twisted and turned around...and thought about in ways I never thought to think about it in. I'm not even sure...but thinking in so many dimensions is exhausting...so much so that I think I am finally beginning to just not care all that much.

But I can still pray, I can still hope...I have let my heart bleed this long that there is no sense in trying to stop it. Maybe continued devotion will bring about wisdom with age and with it more early gray hairs.

Soon it'll be time to wake up...face the sun and realized I am Loved. This night will end soon...so what sleep I can gather I will.

Thank You for carrying this sin, this disease, this infirm condition...and how can I forget my shame and endless pain? Help me to remember when You spoke to that frightful little child...help me to never forget the face of You, my true Father, help me to love You like You love me, help me to love others like You love me and most important help me to love me like You love me.