Wednesday, September 2, 2009
"Naked Lunch" - Showbread
I want to throw up, but for now I hold back
I can’t express just how I’m feeling, its true
You want to grow up, but there’s a problem with that
There’s no where to go for someone who’s as stunted as you
Its true that I’m disgusted with myself as well
My tongue can not be tamed
It’s on a fire straight from hell
I eat the dirt you kick up, and flaw the chord that resonates
A gentle word I can not find a way to enunciate
You make me, you make me oh so sick
Oh so sick
You make me, yeah you know you make me
Sick, sick, sick I get sicker every day
Still your voice, pump your stomach
Set the garbage free
Oh I know you don’t get drunk
You just drink socially
Your reasons are all invalids, they can’t stand up
And when you talk I hear the brain cells die
So keep your mouth shut
I didn’t wake up to find myself as a bug
I’ve been one for much longer than I care to recall
I’m not a junkie lost in interzone or under the rug
I just eat the bug powder then I climb up the wall
You make me, you make me oh so sick
Oh so sick
You make me, yeah you know you make me
Sick, sick, sick I get sicker every day
I can’t express just how I’m feeling, its true
You want to grow up, but there’s a problem with that
There’s no where to go for someone who’s as stunted as you
Its true that I’m disgusted with myself as well
My tongue can not be tamed
It’s on a fire straight from hell
I eat the dirt you kick up, and flaw the chord that resonates
A gentle word I can not find a way to enunciate
You make me, you make me oh so sick
Oh so sick
You make me, yeah you know you make me
Sick, sick, sick I get sicker every day
Still your voice, pump your stomach
Set the garbage free
Oh I know you don’t get drunk
You just drink socially
Your reasons are all invalids, they can’t stand up
And when you talk I hear the brain cells die
So keep your mouth shut
I didn’t wake up to find myself as a bug
I’ve been one for much longer than I care to recall
I’m not a junkie lost in interzone or under the rug
I just eat the bug powder then I climb up the wall
You make me, you make me oh so sick
Oh so sick
You make me, yeah you know you make me
Sick, sick, sick I get sicker every day
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Vague Reconstruction
I pour myself out into this dead wood, why?
Tears to be and tears to cry
Meaningless verbs meaning we should.
Should have and never would have been.
And what is this?
What of this?
We are passing and fading into this endless void,
streams of crimson life emptying
repeating an endless cycle
reminiscing of what it means to live and lie.
Red skies,
dark clouds,
bleeding eyes
and this proud clod.
I give you this hand and this lie
holding back my hand while watching life
and everything just fall into order
and everyone is hoping for something better.
We're all hoping for the best
and we'll be passed over
when the time comes
pain flows and it feels like a test
but really all we have is each other
and it never was enough.
Enough, enough.
We say these words with vain repetition
not realizing the hope we hold in hand
and the mindless self indulging it takes
to hold onto hope at night.
Holding on while loosing blood,
loosing self and making this mistake
mistaking it as being chronically okay
to believe in mediocrity.
Battered shell holding hope,
it stands and remains.
No broken sword
or swollen vessel bursting
can remove this shining glimmer,
this burning fragment
holding up your soul.
The problem has always been choice
and this matter is no different.
But by differential digression
we've arrived here.
Enough of this charade
and enough of clutching this pity
and sardonically embracing pain.
I bring this burnt husk to you
asking to be healed.
Reminiscent of bird songs
and the hope of blue skies.
True I have always been unfaithful,
mine has been the life of deception
the mask of Judas.
But here we stand,
two hearts and souls entwined.
My First Love as has been before time,
before this crime
before my fallacy
and the decay of my soul.
You loved me, just loved me.
Take this battered and broken soul
held in this hollow husk.
Make of it what You will,
craft as only You might.
Make of it as You will
for Your love outlives my darkest night.
Tears to be and tears to cry
Meaningless verbs meaning we should.
Should have and never would have been.
And what is this?
What of this?
We are passing and fading into this endless void,
streams of crimson life emptying
repeating an endless cycle
reminiscing of what it means to live and lie.
Red skies,
dark clouds,
bleeding eyes
and this proud clod.
I give you this hand and this lie
holding back my hand while watching life
and everything just fall into order
and everyone is hoping for something better.
We're all hoping for the best
and we'll be passed over
when the time comes
pain flows and it feels like a test
but really all we have is each other
and it never was enough.
Enough, enough.
We say these words with vain repetition
not realizing the hope we hold in hand
and the mindless self indulging it takes
to hold onto hope at night.
Holding on while loosing blood,
loosing self and making this mistake
mistaking it as being chronically okay
to believe in mediocrity.
Battered shell holding hope,
it stands and remains.
No broken sword
or swollen vessel bursting
can remove this shining glimmer,
this burning fragment
holding up your soul.
The problem has always been choice
and this matter is no different.
But by differential digression
we've arrived here.
Enough of this charade
and enough of clutching this pity
and sardonically embracing pain.
I bring this burnt husk to you
asking to be healed.
Reminiscent of bird songs
and the hope of blue skies.
True I have always been unfaithful,
mine has been the life of deception
the mask of Judas.
But here we stand,
two hearts and souls entwined.
My First Love as has been before time,
before this crime
before my fallacy
and the decay of my soul.
You loved me, just loved me.
Take this battered and broken soul
held in this hollow husk.
Make of it what You will,
craft as only You might.
Make of it as You will
for Your love outlives my darkest night.
The more I think about it...consider the fallacies of this...it's empty...so vain and reminiscent of all that I hate about this world.
How do things...thoughts, relations, concepts...all of this break apart...and then it is irrelevant to cohesive thoughts...it's circular...nay? Running like circular logic...poor metaphors involving cages and wheels.
How do things...thoughts, relations, concepts...all of this break apart...and then it is irrelevant to cohesive thoughts...it's circular...nay? Running like circular logic...poor metaphors involving cages and wheels.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Showbread Owes Me Another Set of Headphones
How many more of these things am I going to destroy because of their music?
Seriously.
"After all of this we’ve been dismissed by those who prefer to eat dirt
We’ve been gladly exempt, we are racked with contempt
And we happily wish you this hurt
My skull is on fire with barbs and black spires
My synapses shriek in the flames
Yet we reel with desire though chocked by coarse wire
Loosed by our raging disdain
I’m gone, God help me, I’m done, I’m done
Nothing can stop me, I’m done, I’m done
No fear, no doubt, I’ve bottomed out, I’ve lost myself, I’m letting go
No pride, no me, I’ve set them free, I’ve lost my mind and now I know
No pain, no death, they’re put to rest, we leave them here, we close the door
No earth, no man, now take my hand, cause nothing matters..."
Seriously.
"After all of this we’ve been dismissed by those who prefer to eat dirt
We’ve been gladly exempt, we are racked with contempt
And we happily wish you this hurt
My skull is on fire with barbs and black spires
My synapses shriek in the flames
Yet we reel with desire though chocked by coarse wire
Loosed by our raging disdain
I’m gone, God help me, I’m done, I’m done
Nothing can stop me, I’m done, I’m done
No fear, no doubt, I’ve bottomed out, I’ve lost myself, I’m letting go
No pride, no me, I’ve set them free, I’ve lost my mind and now I know
No pain, no death, they’re put to rest, we leave them here, we close the door
No earth, no man, now take my hand, cause nothing matters..."
My Problem(s) with Calvinism, systematic theologies, reformed theology and etc. (aka. Theological Vomit Part I)
This video reminds me why I hate theology, why I hate ministry and why I want to burn everything I have ever written and just take a vow of silence until the day I die.
Okay maybe that is a bit dramatic but I lost my patience when it comes to dealing with this stuff years ago.
I don't have anything again people who are Calvinists, who use systematic theology or enjoy reading reformed theology. My problem begins when it seems that that particular interpretation becomes the center of a person's everything.
It's like the notion of a different interpenetration is in and of itself heretical.
Excuse me for being willing to question the potentially flawed thoughts of another flawed human being.
I understand people want to have a neat little package to put Jesus in and then tie it up with bows and stash it on some self to collect dust...but that is such crap. If that is all Jesus is to someone then what is the point?
If this is just for my benefit why am I doing this? Why bother write? Why question? Why try to understand?
If I can show up and have someone hand me a sticker book with all the proper outlines to fill in why even bother think anymore?
I find more spiritual significance in the lyrics of Joe Strummer then I do in the seemingly mindless reiterating circles I seem to find so many 'theologians' in. Is this why music and the visual arts have been suppressed and ridiculed by the church for so many years? Because free thought is 'dangerous'?
Please.
Maybe if someone is so secure in their theological meanderings that they can say that God only loves 'the elect' that they can afford to be a sarcastic ninny with no regard for whom they may be pushing away from God. Sure, if God already knows who is going to save why not? Why not be sarcastic and shut as many doors as possible? The good doctor is right, why stop halfway? Just pick up a sign and go join Westboro baptist church.
If I sound angry it is because I am.
I don't jump at a chance to get behind a pulpit because of how serious I take my Jesus and how people see Him. It's not my responsibility to find people and shove a Bible down their throat, my 'job' is to make friends and love people in the same way Jesus loves me. This isn't a job, it is my life and who I am.
I'm a broken human that is loved and that is all I can and will ever be.
In ministry there is no room for arrogance, for being a self indulgent jerk and there is no excuse for not questioning everything everyday because God made us with brains that we do not use.
I understand Rob Bell enrages a lot of people off and why? The most common complaint I've heard is because he asks questions and doesn't give answers. The message of what Christian people call 'the gospel' is in his books, is it just because he doesn't cater to a certain sect or group think mentality that he is somehow 'bad'?
Loving Jesus should give you more answers than questions. When I tell people that I am in love with God I feel like I sound insane and for good reason! How often have people murdered in the name of God? I don't want to be associated with the crazy fundies who strap bombs to themselves and murder innocent people.
I want to be associated with Jesus who is Love.
That Love should burn, stir and cause a heart to awaken to its original intent.
I cannot speak for everyone but part of that is asking questions about everything. Every fundamental we take for granted. The only things I can know for sure are the ones I have experienced first hand...and that includes this love that has set my heart on fire and makes my bones burn when I do not share. It's sort of what the prophet Jeremiah wrote:
"You pushed me into this, God, and I let you do it.
You were too much for me.
And now I'm a public joke.
They all poke fun at me.
Every time I open my mouth
I'm shouting, "Murder!" or "Rape!"
And all I get for my God-warnings
are insults and contempt.
But if I say, "Forget it!
No more God-Messages from me!"
The words are fire in my belly,
a burning in my bones.
I'm worn out trying to hold it in.
I can't do it any longer!
Then I hear whispering behind my back:
"There goes old 'Danger-Everywhere.' Shut him up! Report him!"
Old friends watch, hoping I'll fall flat on my face:
"One misstep and we'll have him. We'll get rid of him for good!""
-Jeremiah 20:7-10
I don't like disagreeing with people but this has come up so many times over the past few years that I have had to write this before I explode. I don't hate people who are different, I relish the different thoughts and opinions...it's just I have heard this view dogmatically defended so many times that I am only a half step away from having an aneurysm.
Am I being too accepting of the 'bad' people?
Am I just being accommodating of 'sinner's?
I have a wide spectrum of friends with various beliefs, alternative lifestyles, odd tastes in music and ideas of theology that make me blush. What does this mean? What does my own personal inefficient hypocrisy mean?
I ask myself these questions all the time and the only answer I have found that makes sense is that "Jesus loves me/this I know."
I want to spread love, hope and truth. I don't want to be a conduit for something as ugly as so many churches are today; this toxic sludge pouring from a jaded heart that has no concern for anyone.
Is there a middle ground between Jesus and religion?
Love and dogma?
Truth and personal biases?
I don't want to sidetrack or knock anyone off of their path but I just have to speak. How much of this conversation is in fact a conversation? How can perpetuating an endless cycle of never asking 'why' help us? Help any of us? How does this factor into the BIG picture of love and the Kingdom?
I'm not trying to somehow expand my image or about how 'great' I am but about how confused and sick of empty religious exercises I am. Back in school I got so sick of studying theology because it felt like we were being told what truth was instead of trying to understand and live it.
It's the real difference between being told Jesus loves you and seeing that Jesus loves you.
Am I the only one seeing this? Feeling this way?
Am I just jaded and burned out?
So sick of being sick that I am in fact making myself sick?
I know what I have seen and experienced.
I'm just not exactly sure what to do next.
It feels like every time I *know* what to do something else happens.
The one thing I am certain of is that:
"Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incomplete will be canceled."
-1 Corinthians 13:8-10
Okay maybe that is a bit dramatic but I lost my patience when it comes to dealing with this stuff years ago.
I don't have anything again people who are Calvinists, who use systematic theology or enjoy reading reformed theology. My problem begins when it seems that that particular interpretation becomes the center of a person's everything.
It's like the notion of a different interpenetration is in and of itself heretical.
Excuse me for being willing to question the potentially flawed thoughts of another flawed human being.
I understand people want to have a neat little package to put Jesus in and then tie it up with bows and stash it on some self to collect dust...but that is such crap. If that is all Jesus is to someone then what is the point?
If this is just for my benefit why am I doing this? Why bother write? Why question? Why try to understand?
If I can show up and have someone hand me a sticker book with all the proper outlines to fill in why even bother think anymore?
I find more spiritual significance in the lyrics of Joe Strummer then I do in the seemingly mindless reiterating circles I seem to find so many 'theologians' in. Is this why music and the visual arts have been suppressed and ridiculed by the church for so many years? Because free thought is 'dangerous'?
Please.
Maybe if someone is so secure in their theological meanderings that they can say that God only loves 'the elect' that they can afford to be a sarcastic ninny with no regard for whom they may be pushing away from God. Sure, if God already knows who is going to save why not? Why not be sarcastic and shut as many doors as possible? The good doctor is right, why stop halfway? Just pick up a sign and go join Westboro baptist church.
If I sound angry it is because I am.
I don't jump at a chance to get behind a pulpit because of how serious I take my Jesus and how people see Him. It's not my responsibility to find people and shove a Bible down their throat, my 'job' is to make friends and love people in the same way Jesus loves me. This isn't a job, it is my life and who I am.
I'm a broken human that is loved and that is all I can and will ever be.
In ministry there is no room for arrogance, for being a self indulgent jerk and there is no excuse for not questioning everything everyday because God made us with brains that we do not use.
I understand Rob Bell enrages a lot of people off and why? The most common complaint I've heard is because he asks questions and doesn't give answers. The message of what Christian people call 'the gospel' is in his books, is it just because he doesn't cater to a certain sect or group think mentality that he is somehow 'bad'?
Loving Jesus should give you more answers than questions. When I tell people that I am in love with God I feel like I sound insane and for good reason! How often have people murdered in the name of God? I don't want to be associated with the crazy fundies who strap bombs to themselves and murder innocent people.
I want to be associated with Jesus who is Love.
That Love should burn, stir and cause a heart to awaken to its original intent.
I cannot speak for everyone but part of that is asking questions about everything. Every fundamental we take for granted. The only things I can know for sure are the ones I have experienced first hand...and that includes this love that has set my heart on fire and makes my bones burn when I do not share. It's sort of what the prophet Jeremiah wrote:
"You pushed me into this, God, and I let you do it.
You were too much for me.
And now I'm a public joke.
They all poke fun at me.
Every time I open my mouth
I'm shouting, "Murder!" or "Rape!"
And all I get for my God-warnings
are insults and contempt.
But if I say, "Forget it!
No more God-Messages from me!"
The words are fire in my belly,
a burning in my bones.
I'm worn out trying to hold it in.
I can't do it any longer!
Then I hear whispering behind my back:
"There goes old 'Danger-Everywhere.' Shut him up! Report him!"
Old friends watch, hoping I'll fall flat on my face:
"One misstep and we'll have him. We'll get rid of him for good!""
-Jeremiah 20:7-10
I don't like disagreeing with people but this has come up so many times over the past few years that I have had to write this before I explode. I don't hate people who are different, I relish the different thoughts and opinions...it's just I have heard this view dogmatically defended so many times that I am only a half step away from having an aneurysm.
Am I being too accepting of the 'bad' people?
Am I just being accommodating of 'sinner's?
I have a wide spectrum of friends with various beliefs, alternative lifestyles, odd tastes in music and ideas of theology that make me blush. What does this mean? What does my own personal inefficient hypocrisy mean?
I ask myself these questions all the time and the only answer I have found that makes sense is that "Jesus loves me/this I know."
I want to spread love, hope and truth. I don't want to be a conduit for something as ugly as so many churches are today; this toxic sludge pouring from a jaded heart that has no concern for anyone.
Is there a middle ground between Jesus and religion?
Love and dogma?
Truth and personal biases?
I don't want to sidetrack or knock anyone off of their path but I just have to speak. How much of this conversation is in fact a conversation? How can perpetuating an endless cycle of never asking 'why' help us? Help any of us? How does this factor into the BIG picture of love and the Kingdom?
I'm not trying to somehow expand my image or about how 'great' I am but about how confused and sick of empty religious exercises I am. Back in school I got so sick of studying theology because it felt like we were being told what truth was instead of trying to understand and live it.
It's the real difference between being told Jesus loves you and seeing that Jesus loves you.
Am I the only one seeing this? Feeling this way?
Am I just jaded and burned out?
So sick of being sick that I am in fact making myself sick?
I know what I have seen and experienced.
I'm just not exactly sure what to do next.
It feels like every time I *know* what to do something else happens.
The one thing I am certain of is that:
"Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incomplete will be canceled."
-1 Corinthians 13:8-10
"Jesus loves the outcasts."
I just signed up as a volunteer to work with xxxchurch at the Atlanta Pride Festival October 31st -November 1st
Here's hoping things may actually work for once...
Here's hoping things may actually work for once...
Romans 5:6-8
Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him.
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