Amazing how my disdain for all those things can't even attempt to reach my disdain of myself...

And you wonder why I refuse to eat pork...?

Reading this about made me sick:

http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/12840743/porks_dirty_secret_the_nations_top_hog_producer_is_also_one_of_americas_worst_polluters/1

Speaking of Rwanda...

http://donmilleris.com/2009/08/24/another-great-story-out-of-rwanda/

Christian Fiction

Okay.

A common question I get is since I enjoy writing, I want to be a writer and I am a Christian minister person thingy...why don't I write Christian fiction?

To be honest I find most Christian fiction to be uninspiring and boring at best, at its absolute worst it is merely a Harlequin romance novel rewritten with 'Christian' themes.

One of the principles that has guided my hand in both the creative and practical realm is that I have no desire to 'sell' or make a profit from Jesus. I have a very low threshold when it comes to dealing with anyone who reeks of being a televangelist...which is why I try so desperately to push away from those stereotypes and behaviors. And with the exception of a general feeling like I am an underachiever I feel that I have done a good job in that respect...I have nothing to really hide from and inevitably when some controversy will arise I have no desire to pin my worth as a human being (much less that of a Christian) on the equally fallible thoughts of other people.

The same disdain I have for the Christian music industry is the same I have for the Christian writing industry. There is an appalling lack of artistic innovation and an unnerving amount of cookie cutter clones that do nothing except beat the same tired horse time after time.

How is this supposed to be representative of how I feel about God and Jesus? If I can't take the time to write out and express my own vivid and unique understanding of this...thing...how will people begin to take it seriously? Sloppy and shameless copying do nothing except have a horrible reek, which is a fancy way of saying the chief concern is that of money.

That said, I can chase these ghosts forever. Talking about how tired I am of false pretense, the abuse of cliches and rail against the unjust splitting of infinitives which did nothing to warrant the splitting thereof...but it just becomes a mass of hot air after awhile.

What is it I have interest in writing?

I'm still working on that modern fantasy series that has been in my head for years. I keep using NANOWRIMO as an excuse to finally get down to the nitty gritty and start trying to put it into some logical order but writing is such an unbearably annoying process.

I enjoy looking at the finished work but it is the slugging it out, fighting to find words, struggling to find the least possible appalling metaphor that can get disheartening. I do not know how much untold hours I have spent just staring at a blank page almost overwhelmed by the possibilities of what could be.

There are themes I am interested in pursuing, themes that are quite Christian but I do not feel the need to 'baptize' everything I touch in the current Christian lingo and make everything other statement be about personal relationships with Jesus.

I want to find real artistic integrity and be able to write freely without feeling these group think (but still self imposed) limitations about what is Christian, what can be art and what can be used for good.

I think I need to have coffee with Holden Caulfield sometime later this week...

"The Receiving End of It All" - Streetlight Manifesto

What's in a name?

"Matt - personal name meaning that object you place in doorways for people to walk on and clean their feet on in order that they may not dirty the rest of the house. They are useful for walking on, wiping shoes on and beating with a stick to get dirt off of them."

Gee thank you for your positive spin internet.

Where would I be without you?

Mondays, I Hate Mondays...

I do not like food...regardless of what I eat it feels like my stomach is on fire...my inside have liquid metal burning through them.

I refuse to believe in there being balance in karma...unless of course I'm being used as a whipping boy for other people's stomach sins.

I've just got to find a way to get calories and nutrients and cut everything else out. Maybe that will help reduce the searing pain...right now I'm just stuck in bed...my mind a growing source of unrest and ill at ease thoughts.

I'm not sitting here waiting on a change to find me...I just would like for the world to stop spinning long enough for me to stand up.

I have some optimistic thoughts...high thoughts of hope...maybe even of feeling loved...but for now I am just going to play those close to my chest. I don't want my heart escaping out on its own and running about with no restraint...freedom is an illusion...because it is more of a choice of who/what we shackle ourselves to...but the shackling can be good.



Is this going to be it?

Think carefully before you speak.

My mind and heart are in fragile states of denial, one small push and I might start believing again, almost as if none of this ever did exist.

Is time still a problem?
How about metaphysical boundaries?
The problem of self actualization?
How about realizing that being is not necessarily being?
It's a simple as knowing when a door is not a door...and that is when it is simply just ajar.

That simple riddle goes a long way in explaining everything to do with you.

Nothing and everything at the same time.

It's just that important.

Understanding Logical Fallacies

http://www.csun.edu/~dgw61315/fallacies.html

I just...don't know.

Love

God I am starting to hate this word.

Love.

I don't think there has been a single word featured in the English language that has been so misunderstood, so neglected, to misused, abused, treated like rubbish and then it is still somehow supposed to be this magical solution to all the problems.

I hate hearing it, I hate feeling it and I hate experiencing it.

I should preface this angry rant by saying I'm exhausted, I'm in pain, I'm depressed, I'm scared, I'm hopeful, I'm reluctant to believe, I'm hoping, I'm desiring, I'm in need...so needy and here I am; all of these nerve cells, brain chemicals and mix of failures combined into one person.

I feel a bit like John Lennon in the song 'God' just going on and on about what I don't believe in...and I'm saying how angry it makes me. My problems began with being short changed while a child and still I haven't moved on. It's like every pain and hurt has just settled in and is building a wall...a brick wall to keep everything else out.

A large portion of me just wants to cut everything out and everyone off and just find a way to go at it alone...to shoulder the pain and just die blissfully alone and without having to hear another annoying voice express concern or tell me I am valuable.

It hurt so much to love and be loved...the worse is how Jesus refuses to stop...no matter how much I beg to be alone He is here. Loving me more by the moment then I ever thought possible.

I'm my own worse enemy and I don't even have the strength right now to really care.

Maybe my brain will just be wiped when I go to sleep and when I wake up the pain will have stopped...or maybe it'll be worse. Maybe everything and nothing will both happen at the same time.

The miracle will not be me being healed...but me giving a damn when this is all said and done. Apathy is so richly intoxicating and hard to say no to.

I hate feeling alone, jealous and confused. Over what?

I don't even know...

I don't know how much more of this I can take. *sigh*

So many thoughts and emotions at once...I'm so upset...and tired...and hurting.

Physical, emotional, mental pains...all just wrapped up in one neat annoying package.

I almost want to throw up to get the taste of it all out of my mouth.

If at all possible I need to stop slamming my head against this wall.

Words I can't begin to gather in one place...just let it all end as it should.

The more I learn about people...the more sad I become.

Are there no happy endings? How much longer can any of this go on before it all ultimately just collapses?

Meh

*sigh*

I feel so tried, so alone, almost depressed and I'm in so much freaking pain.

Interesting blog on atheism:

http://blog.beliefnet.com/scienceandthesacred/2009/08/why-i-think-the-new-atheists-are-a-bloody-disaster.html

I have to wonder what I did to anger Jesus so much that I now have to spend time around...'him'.

Movies

Movies I Need to See Again Soon:
-Lost in Translation
-Hoodwinked
-Over the Hedge
-The Stand
-Blade Runner
-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
-Kill Bill
-Groundhog Day
-V for Vendetta
-Little Miss Sunshine


Movies I Need to Just See:
-Inglorious Bastards
-The Shawshank Redemption
-The Prestige
-Quantum of Solace
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Burton

Movies I Need to See That I Am Ashamed to Say I Forgot to List the First Time:
-Labyrinth
-Pulp Fiction (12 times is never enough)

Irregardless we're here.
Now here and where to?
It's not like we could have anticipated
but we are here
without a rest.

"If I'm the person that you think I am
Clueless chump you seem to think I am
So easily led astray,
An errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then
Why the fuck would you want me back?

Maybe it's because
You don't know me at all"

-Ben Folds, "You Don't Know Me"

"Narcolepsy" - Ben Folds

On Fruit

I had a particular friend ask a question concerning Genesis 3 and if there was an apple mentioned and if so why an apple. The following was a response to that:


Genesis 3:1-10
"The serpent was clever, more clever than any wild animal God had made. He spoke to the Woman: "Do I understand that God told you not to eat from any tree in the garden?"

The Woman said to the serpent, "Not at all. We can eat from the trees in the garden. It's only about the tree in the middle of the garden that God said, 'Don't eat from it; don't even touch it or you'll die.'"

The serpent told the Woman, "You won't die. God knows that the moment you eat from that tree, you'll see what's really going on. You'll be just like God, knowing everything, ranging all the way from good to evil."

When the Woman saw that the tree looked like good eating and realized what she would get out of it—she'd know everything!—she took and ate the fruit and then gave some to her husband, and he ate.

Immediately the two of them did "see what's really going on"—saw themselves naked! They sewed fig leaves together as makeshift clothes for themselves.

When they heard the sound of God strolling in the garden in the evening breeze, the Man and his Wife hid in the trees of the garden, hid from God.

God called to the Man: "Where are you?"

He said, "I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked. And I hid..." "

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **


Here is the Hebrew word used for fruit in those passages:

pĕriy

possible translations:

1) fruit

a) fruit, produce (of the ground)

b) fruit, offspring, children, progeny (of the womb)

c) fruit (of actions) (fig.)


At no point does the Bible say anything about an apple. For those thinking of an apple (about 97% of the Western population) are thinking of Paradise Lost...which according to my favorite English professor, Dr.Cole from college, was the second most popular book in the South during the Civil War (the first being the Bible).

** ** ** ** **
That said I feel the need to bring up one of my general rules of theology:

Please, please, please do not under any circumstances get your theology based off of a popular novel, a movie you see or from reading what I write. Do your own research and find the Truth, it is out there waiting so get to work already!

I digress.
** ** ** ** **

For a Western audience an Apple is a good symbol, fruit of knowledge and whatnot,but the apple didn't have the same meaning to a Hebrew audience.

This article tidbit explains a bit:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apple#Christianity


Rabbi's have speculated that it was possibly a (wait for it) pomegranate..but that is just Midrash and speculation. But ultimately no fruit is actually named.

Was it a literal fruit?

Possibly.

In the same sense that the first few chapters of Genesis could be literal historical fact, simply a creation myth Moses recorded or a mixture of the two.

Ultimately it doesn't matter which is true because the story itself is the point.

The point of the story is that Eve knew God in a literal sense that we can only fumble at. We Christians have a connection because of the Holy Spirit and we can feel God...but she could be hugged by God and told how beautiful she was. She had literal access to the physical presence of God (ie. think possibly Jesus, these Old Testament appearances of Him were called theophanies...a lot of the time the term 'Angel of the Lord' is used and commonly thought by Christian Biblical scholars as being appearances of the pre-incarnate Jesus) and this deep intimate love is something we can only paw at.

I think this is part where the oft used title of calling God Father has some deeper implications. The term "Personal relationship" with God is thrown around as a colloquial term so often that I don't even know what it means anymore.

I like to think that Christianity is not about trying to be so good that you get some sort of tacky and stupid gold plated mansion in heaven that belongs better on MTV's Cribs. If that is heaven I want nothing to do with it. This world sucks and the last thing I want to do is have a part two that will go on forever.

As far as I can gather heaven has nothing to do with our material greed and everything to do with being passionately in Love. My idea of heaven isn't me walking on streets of gold as much as it is me spending an absurd amount of time hugging God.

But...what about now?

This whole reason I can't hug God is because of a separation, because of THIS separation. Forgive the unintentional pun but this passage is the genesis of that sin, that root reason why this world is in so much disorder and why we have separation from each other and God.

The only thing Eve and Adam had to do was avoid doing something. I do not think it was a test because I do not think God gives us tests, He gives us choices and it is up to use to decide what to do with it.

He gives us choices and with those choices come questions:

Who do we love more?

Whose judgment do we trust?

Is it possible for this mess of a life to be made into something beautiful?

Lucifer makes an appearance in this. He can take on the appearance of an angel of light when he wants to but he took on the form of a snake and talked to Eve. This is strange, she didn't bat an eye at the thought of reptile talking to her. Did other animals in the Garden of Eden talk? Or is this just another image?

Regardless of how this scene may or may not have played out, I do believe in a literal Satan/devil/Lucifer and that he has a host of fallen angels (demons) who do his work. I would really recommend everyone to read 'The Screwtape Letter' if you haven't...CS Lewis puts this whole Lucifer thing in proper perspective, that he is more than a red devil in horns with a pitchfork but a twisted and demented egomaniac being who called himself the star of the morning and who decided he would no longer kneel before God.

Which this arrogance, this pride is a running theme in this passage.

Lucifer did help push Eve and Adam to eating the fruit...but ultimately all three has this relationship to God we can't imagine. It feels like I'm just fooling around in the dark hoping that I'll bump into God and all three of them were there with God.

Literally there with God.

Throw a rock and hit God close.

What does this say about our natures?

It is a terrifying prospect.

If beings created as perfect can't stand God...where do we stand?

Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, those who partook in the Rwanda genocide, Lord Voldemort...they were babies once. They grew up and then did horrible, terrible things. Sure part of was an environmental influence, humans are naturally selfish (anyone who doesn't think so should work in a daycare for a few months) and it takes something special for people to get to the point where human lives are meaningless...but it IS possible.

The taking of another human life is so profane...so against the order of things that it destroys a person until they either go crazy and kill themselves or they start to kill so much that they no longer have feeling. The 'lucky' ones I have met (war veterans among others) either drink heavily or barely hold onto their sanity because of how horrible it is.

One of the best mentors I ever had was a platoon commander in Vietnam. He only talked about his experince in Vietnam once and that was more than enough. It was like he was in another realm and although he barely spoke the look of horror on his face...it is something I can never forget.

And what does this mean?

Even those with good intentions can't hide from the twisting that sin does to their soul. This isn't about a moralistic crusade as much as it is realizing where we stand in our broken lives.

Is this it?

Is this all there is?

We live on this burned out hunk or rock and then what?

Humans have unlimited potential but we are limited by ourselves. By the darkness that is in our hearts. I feel the point of this world sometimes isn't a social experiment or big chess game but for us to see who we really are and realize we can't make it on our own...we need each other and we need Jesus.

If you want to read a better take on all this by someone who actually knows what he is talking about then please go pick up "Sex God" by Rob Bell. He doesn't swear like Anne Lamott but he knows how to pull a lot of ideas together and makes many good points concerning Jesus, personal identity and sexuality.

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-God-Exploring-Connections-Spirituality/dp/0310280672/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250744230&sr=8-1