"When the World Ends" - Dave Matthews Band

...disappointment....disappointment...disappointment...

...practice, practice, practice...

Hate, much like ignorance and willing stupidity, is habit of which it is hard to break.

"Invictus" - Brave Saint Saturn

I've been breaking my back
Only to show You how very lost one can be
And bitterness fires through me
The brilliance that was is flickering cold
Slowly burning to ash
I'm choking on pride, I'm closing my eyes
Till one day I'm scared to go back

You part the shadows
Light of the world
Destroy the blindness
Peace eternal

Take this broken heart
If it brings You praise
Take this beaten soul
Shivering hands I will raise
Hope unstoppable
Sing the morning sun:
'Wake up, oh sleeper
The daylight has come'

You are, You are
Invincible
You are, You are
Unbreakable

Take this broken heart
If it brings you praise
(You part the shadows)
Take this beaten soul
Shivering hands I will raise
(Light of the world)
Hope unstoppable
Sing the morning sun:
(Destroy the blindness)
'Wake up, oh sleeper
The daylight has come'
(Peace eternal)

You are, You are
Invincible
You are, You are
Unbreakable

I've been breaking my back
Only to show You how very lost one can be

Esoteric Playground

This is me and this is you.
I'm hoping for peace and praying for understanding.

I'm even sure about...about...
I'm just not sure.
The more I hear this the further
the further the confusion.

Good God, when does this end?
I'm carrying poison in my veins,
playing at being Messiah
while carrying this broken hope.
Lies I can never cease to love
as I long to break free,
run free
into some hope.

Freedom from hate,
freedom from lies
freedom from the pain.

και εστιν αυτη η αγγελια ην ακηκοαμεν απ αυτου και αναγγελλομεν υμιν οτι ο θεος φως εστιν και σκοτια ουκ εστιν εν αυτω ουδεμια

Such lofty hope.

I'm a bad friend.

I hate going to wedding...either in person or in my dreams.

watchtower1.serverroom.us:9074

I think I just stumbled...yeah stumbled into you...

"Feel Good Inc" - Gorillaz

Compromising Thoughts

It is annoying how this vow...this promise...is almost a noose around me...not a bit guiding me but something that starts to choke me when I try to run.

Divine Love, so intoxicating...incomparable and no person can hope to understand.

I feel it in music...this rage...this desire; all of these revised and revived intoxicating lies mixed with hope.

It's so easy to step out of my skin on here and be a stranger...it's a refuge of sort...but I forget who I am, who the real me is outside of these false identities.

I wish i could rip my heart out so I could just give it to You fully, no more lies...no more fallacy driven compromise.
You really should sing angel, sing through your uncompromisable compromise.

What does it mean to be human?
Really human?
What has defined the terms?
How did You expect things to fall?

I'm tired of existential dread.
Will you let me cash it in with my desires in exchange for blood?

I hate dreams. Vivid dreams.

I wish people never came here so I could into the horrifying details.

Oie.

Tryst Today

Some Lou Reed and thoughts of you.
Walking in and out of mind
while going up on a sugar trip.

Wanting to go here and there
not knowing where you might be.

Just wanting to take this walk
right out on the wild side,
maybe in boots or just lies.

I wish I could have Muse give me a call about what to write...

Nothing.

Just trying to find my way back home. It's been a long night. I missed the dawn and now things are still just dark but I'm running to You, just as fast as this broken body can take me.

"Losing My Religion" - REM

Short of Flying

It is...scary but reliving to know I am not in control. What little that is entrusted to me is screwed up enough...

Yesterday was a good day so I forgot to write...today was a good day...up until the...it wasn't a fight...or an argument...a chiding or scolding wouldn't be correct either...a reminder of where I am, where I am not...and just shadows of imperfection around the fading light.

How is it 2007 is so far in the past? Or 2004? Or really 1986? These numbers...periods of time with no real meaning outside of reflections...1989 and 1994...my heart being ripped
out before I knew it could be.

There is just such a large amount of confusion wrapped around doubt.

I hate caring, the energy invested in people that so often leads to pain...I mean me saying that is like wishing I didn't need water or oxygen...asinine childish thoughts.

"But the world is ugly,
The world is ugly even after you"

Running surely won't work either.
Mindless self indulgence has exhausted itself.

Somethings never change, something never get old and somethings never cease to sicken me.

I may be internship-less but I am at least Mayo clinic bound on August 10th.

"Zooropa" - U2

Thought from an Irish Poet:

"If you want to serve the age, betray it."
-Brendan Kennelly

Trying to Sort...

So little has any real meaning...that isn't ripped apart by the madness of subjectivity...here we are...now what?

I'm bottoming out...I'm breaking apart and it feels like I'm free falling with no sense of direction.

If I sit here, If I lay here begging for help...strength to stand...will You bother to meet me halfway?

I don't know how to put this in words to where people can actually understand...it's frustrating that it seems that only the Divine know why...and can understand...but the words are so futile.

It still hurts.

Deep inside.

My heart is screaming to You in the middle of this off key notes and over the sounds of cracking bone. Even though I'm a false child of Israel my brethren are the Pharisees and serpents. From my cradle and until my grave you will see my hypocrisy and the hate I've sown in Your name...my childish ignorance has never been an excuse, nothing is to be explained because the failure is obvious.

You, You are truth.

My existential hypocrisy is rotting my heart and still...You have carried my sin, my poison, this living corpse that needs to be renewed.

I've seen too much death...I've lost so much...does the hollow feeling ever go away? How can I miss someone I barely knew so much?

"Jesus bless the crocodiles, forgive the cobras and all the snakes
Open up your arms to carry all of our mistakes
Forgive the basilisk, forgive the moccasins and adders too
Have mercy on each alligator that never lived for you
I myself hatched from an egg, no white light from above
Just another ancient serpent that never earned your love
But still you find me underneath the rocks and in the ground
I cowered there just short of air and never made a sound
It’s true that I’m in love with you, and even in my shame
You wipe away the imperfections and take away the pain
You wrap your loving arms around this wretched thing called me
Your love is all I’ll ever need, your love has set me free

The truth is only you"

-Showbread, "Age of Reptiles"



"Thomas said, "Master, we have no idea where you're going. How do you expect us to know the road?"

Jesus said, "I am the Road, also the Truth, also the Life. No one gets to the Father apart from me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him. You've even seen him!""
-John 14:5-7

Loud Words

I don't know.

I'm not sure what I want to do except throw up.

I can't put stuff into words...fire...confusion...things and things again.

I hate not being able to phrase things.

I want to understand why...why...why...but no words fall. Nothing that can help make sense of things. I want to get out of this Hell. I hate this place. This fake words. The hollow conversations...people not understanding...not managing to listen and God I'm just so enraged and sad and not able to take much more of this before I snap.

Before I can sleep.

Just a philosophical tidbit:

Karl Marx as an idiot. Religion isn't the opiate of the people, it shocks you awake in vividly horrific ways. Ignorance, shallowness and racism are the true opiates because they require no prior thought or effort to obtain.