Some days just feel like you've drive your life into a wall, set it on fire and exploded along with the rest of it all.

*sigh*

Cherry Blossoms in the Winter

It's like feeling my soul
being soiled by your thoughts
ripped apart with every perceived
preconceived notion about my worth
every word
every breath
every single wasted thought
about you is a crime.
Making me hate my soul.

I wanted love,
acceptance
and guidance
all you can spare
is bitter
bitten
battered
hate
about yourself
focused on what I lack
in your picture perfect
fallen
falling apart
diseased
cadaver
you mistaken for a life.

I want to scream,
take the time to throw up
all of these lies
I've swallowed,
just years at a time,
and remind myself
just why it is
we are the way
and you are.

Just screaming words of being
justifying meaning
before you strip them off,
just with a single glance,
a bit of subdue verbiage.
Every time I think I'm free
I see myself a slave
in front of you
before you again.
I can scream until this collapses
and all I'll do
is just worship this hate.

Everything in this is a lie,
every word you see
every metaphor you process
into an image,
just a lie you sing
you cover your shame with
just to make me hate you more.

I want love,
so much it hurts.
I can't see you now,
just shadows and mirrors
blocking out
and I couldn't even see you
with a telescope
or see you close,
explore every inch with a microscope,
all I have is this duality,
this false nature
coupled with my personal insanity.
I miss you like mad
and hope there is eternity
because I know I'll never see,
I'll never fully hear
or know you until then.

I wish I had the strength to vomit.

Perfection is an assimilation of the many and diverse imperfections that make up so many unseen and yet needed.

Such is life, the horrific beauty.

Feeling and emotions...you do suck...a lot...

" The Best Is Yet To Come" - Metal Gear Solid OST

Why is it so hard for me to focus on one thing at a time?
To get anything done?

I'm so just...tired of feeling so disconnected and apart from everything...and so hungry. ~_~

I'm listening to Rage Against the Machine while watching Fox News. What is wrong with this picture?

You make me so sick,
I could just throw up
but that wouldn't get May anywhere these days.
Every time I move,
every time I sink my thought,
sink them deep into You
I don't think I have anything left
then I find myself,
just a little less than ever before.

God did in fact give rock and roll...he also gave metal so that I could actually start and finish work.

"Stryper" - More Than A Man

There is an end coming...all shadows and clouds obscure it...there will be a terrible sting...but then...freedom...release from these shackles of bondage...a reclaiming of all made new...beauty redefined in purpose and perfection...all new.

"999,999 / 1,000,000 " - Nine Inch Nails

It feels like a lesser version of "Biting the Hand" but I could actually link this video and it is still enjoyable in its own right...

Doesn't matter that much anyway,
I never did want it that way,
never could feel like you do
see the way you feel
or know the way you are.

Shallow, shallow just so shallow.
I can't keep my hands from shaking to save my life.
Every time I try to do something to shut them up, shut them and the inner voices up I just proceed to make things worse.

Critical failure as it were.

Below understanding, beneath feeling, under statement and interior relation mixed with falsity, yeah, something like that.

God I can't stand this much longer.
What is this?
What?
What?
What?
Tell me.
I do not understand.
How do I show love?
How do i do something without making them angry?
How can I stop being a failure?
How?
Why?
Any?
Anything?
Nothing?
Speak.
Please.
To.
Me.

Pachycephalosaurus- Showbread

"The Day The World Went Away" - Nine Inch Nails

I hate SOE.

No more Matrix.

Oh well.

Speak Ιησούς

Life is...fleeting away right now.

It's a mixture of the drugs...the loneliness...the dislocation and disconcerting feeling...I don't know where it is leading to.

I see beauty almost as well as I can hear it.

There are pictures in my mind, abstract thoughts I reach out to touch...just to find my hand is empty.

Every breath I take while walking down this road...I look for you and have no clue where I am, what things are...dear Ιησούς.

There are so many misinterpretations...so many fleeting and dying words...things that defy being and reason and justifiable existential cause.

Redundant life thought, bleeding, fornicating in existence with being.

The one thing being...this wasteland.
Oh wasteland, oh life.
This terrible thing I've clutched in my hand,
holding tight until it bled.
Blood mixing with sweat
and burning with hate.
God, what is this monster,
this facade I have become?

Behind me is death
and before is something I never knew.
When is it to late,
to late to say I'm sorry?
To be forgiveness for every sin
and the rot inside this soul?
The trepidation of a soul
forsaken truth.
If I am here
Jesus where are You?

I want to speak plain,
I want to sing
God I need to loose this life
and feel the cords cut
and the physical torn away
and eternity enveloping all.

I have no words to say
no verses to sing
and no truth to speak.

Every lie has grown in its own way.
All of my sin bears fruit,
burning and suffocating me
in this hellish garden,
marking my self righteous.

Where am I?
Where are You?

I want to cry,
I want to beg for peace
a new start,
some forgiveness
and a way of breaking out of this bond
and to become Yours.
Your Son, despite these mistakes.

I walk in the shoes of angels
that cower beneath Your Holy Rage
and I become so self reliant,
so forgetting
such a bastard child
when the realization is simple.

Truth is only You,
The Truth is only You.
I just beg for enough grace
to live these dying moments for You.
That I die not with a whimper,
but a shout,
Your name on my lips.

Enough of this false modesty,
humbleness reserved for serpents
and angels forgetting their place.
I never knew You
and claiming I carried Your love
is a joke making everyone laugh,
everyone except You.

And here I am,
raging and waging a one man war
against this dark
I'm just as a part of.
The simple lesson is the first
and the last,
that love reigns supreme
and I'm nothing but another misfit.
Another vagabond
taken in at the last moment.
Saved by fulfilled grace,
fulfilling broken promises
and giving me a mirror
to see the wretch called me.

No one who sees cares
and no one cares will see,
see the blood spent
and hours of breaking and forming
and falling apart on account of You

Every bleeding lie,
posing as a martyr
and what do we have left?
Lies that point to You.

Old friend of confused loneliness...you have returned...

I just heard the term 'interwebz' used on Fox news. The day is now complete.

So...so...tired of feeling like death...

I don't know...and I am not sure if I want to.

Every waking breath is carrying me one step closer to the absolute and whatever it may hold.