Having a soul on fire with no logical way to stop the fire...the pain at times is odd.

When it rains it pours...when you don't sleep you don't dream and when you don't get a phone call at 5AM you can always wait for the next day...you know?

Interesting...that was amazing.

Apologies are unneeded, existentialism is needed...continue on...continue on...

Yikes...I should always check and read first. >_<

Sorry.

Oh well...no sleep.

Hope it gets better soon...

Here I go...once again...*cue White Snake song*

"Staring at the Sun" - U2

I miss you.

Pain is there too.

Can't breath so well...pain...so...much.

There is a certain degree of madness that is becoming evident as the day progresses...thoughts...feelings...confusion.

An answer is asked for...definitions too...and it is something I lack.

I don't know how to give justification or explanation for any of this...it is.

Truth and love...all relevant and beautiful despite the pain that does manifest.

How?
Why?
Where?

Where is this all going?
What is to come of it all?

Finding Nineveh...such an odd journey.

Tired Bones and Weary Souls

Why does my body have to scream in agony every time I try to get out of bed? What do I have to hurt? What point will this serve?

Why...why do you never leave me when I forsake You?

How do you love such a broken creation...I am so tired, so broken and God so ashamed. I wish I could pull up into myself and hide from the dread Your beauty instills into my soul. I see your love, your compassion and God your grace...they terrify me and shake me to my core.

To realize my limitations and how self obsessed...and how broken.

Where does it end?

But this love, how can it begin when everything feels so run down, so broken and so impossible?

Redundancy and Lies

Here I,
Here I am.
Every phrase and every word
and every processed
spiritual cliche
making me retch
is buried deep within my soul.
I wrote the book
and killed hope with my savior.

Moment,
ever lasting moment.
Regards to all
the truth
and screams ripping flesh
as throats collapse
and veins explode
from the falling wrath
of one lost
and so bitter.

Look in your mirror
and see the world you made
and just how bitter
and ugly you are.

Jesus,
you see this broken machine
these lies across the world
broken and bloody as a cancer.
You see the facade I've lived
while trying to kill for me.
You have seen the blood I spilled
all in the pursuit of my ego.

Jesus,
you see the hole in my soul
and the ugly insects slithering inside
as I scream for help
all the time dragging my feet so I can wait.
You've seen every last tear I've shed
and you have felt every nail,
every rusty nail I have driven into your wrist
while screaming my will be done.

You've seen me kill for my own gain
and only care for me.

Lamb, mild and meek.
Creator and redeemer.
The Holy one who holds the stars
and knit my soul together.
How do you love such imperfection?
How do you show any grace to such failure?

How can you love the bastards
and all of us who plotted against You?
Love for the liars, the thieves,
the selfish, the slothful,
the judges, the sinners,
the bastards, the forgotten,
the hated and forsaken.
We have nothing left
but the venom on our tongues
and our ability to devour the weak.
Every poisonous word
and Lord I am here.
Opportunistic mercenary I am.

God my soul burns in pain
free us from this agony.
From this broken shell.
To home,
to the end,
to the resolution
and to the every new day
beginning joy of your love.

Take this fear, these lies
and my dying breaths,
take them and give them life
set them free to fly
and let them fly
to the future known only by You.

Freedom from this dying shell.
Oh God, please.

It has to be worth more then the sum parts...or this all is utterly pointless...worthless...no meaning, no being...nothing worth existing for.

God it hurts.

"Blessed Are the Land Mines" - Brave Saint Saturn

Not...sure...

Identity...as it were this is an intriguing notion...idea.

Sexuality and personal identity being intrinsically involved.

A lot of confusion...and a lot of what I hate about life is worked up in and around these subjects and things.

It's hard enough trying to pull myself together with singular thoughts...without pending over loads and the '-ie' or '-y' being added to my name and the implications running through mental connections and boundaries traversed by soul and the deep, unbreakable bonds.

Irreducible complex thoughts which are placed in a line by seemingly irrelevant but consequently relevant by its own admitted irrelevant nature which acts...some sort of...cliche filled triad on the futility of life but...contradictions abound because there is meaning given and presented...its not hidden but evident and the power of that meaning is painfully clear and moving closer to something else.

The thoughts are mucking up the thoughts as it were...walls, closed tight minds...inability to convey thought and emotion...useless needs for collaboration of souls over meaningless trite metaphors and behaviors resulting in more meaningless thoughts directed and cast over meaning...meaning? Meaning. Meaning.

Is there an actual way our of this?
Some real method of separating fact from fiction...what is in my head, my heart, my soul and in my hand...some sort of defining.

Metaphorically speaking...what?

A wise person once told me to plan in order to avoid feeling overwhelmed as if my life was caught in between vice grips.

Help.

List making is being infringed upon by the forthcoming panic attacks.

Woo.

Considering the pain...the fatigue...the general unease at which is my mental level at any given point of the day...it has gone fair.

Questions loom, doubt grows and walls make themselves known.

Being who I am and what I am...I don't know.

Breath in some life to me...these bones are weary...broken and unable to prop me up.

Love, You promise it to be overflowing and a world without end.

How am I supposed to do this?

It feels like a vice clamp on my soul, my heart and everything...God I can't take this pressure and anxiety.

Why am I here?

How do I get out without having a breakdown?

Is this what you are wanting me to do?

A bit of encouragement would help. How am I supposed to go that far if I can't finish a stupid essay?

Anytime.

Go look up "The Perfect Drug" by Nine Inch Nails.

Amazing.

I was never aware of doubt being able to feel although it was so physically tangible.

What is this madness which possess my soul with fright?

What is this decaying feeling, this fear which clouds my mind, my soul and my very being?

What is this and whence did it come? How long to endure this mockery of a soul? This decaying principle which is nothing but a reminder of the lack of life?

I need help...I need strength...my soul is perishing in the midst of the pain of body and mind. I am alone in isolation only because of fear and my inability to accomplish something so minute.

Painting Red in Malcontent

Like a joke too twisted to count
your wings are missing
and left scars bigger than your heart.
Lies twisted in conversation
marking the downfall of this contortion.
Flitting feathers fall
but an angel you are not.
Just half breed of beast and spirit
not knowing why you kill
just that you consume.

Words are failing to make sense right now...nor their order.

Too many distractions...too many bright lights that are not making sense.

I need peace...some sort of serenity away from all this ridiculousness.