lamecreation.com is better than nothing...but still...I wanted my plural possessive 's'.

~_~

Of course I have a good idea for a website name and it gets taken...but of course... =/

Complications...among other things.

There is simply no plausible way to count the reasons for which why my head is hurting right now.

I really hope I'm not heading towards a huge crash...

Geez

Never thought I would say this...but I'm quite sick of all the ego and pretension being flung about.

*sigh*

Utter mind melt down.

Yet again.

Yikes.

"Kamikaze" - Five Iron Frenzy

Silent Night Sky Ablaze

This hope is starting to blossom into flames, tendrils wrapping around fear and ego; consuming them in brilliant flickers of dark blue.

This forthcoming peace and love...oh how they burn with such brilliance in this dark night.

The shadows are chased away by your brilliance and love oh God and how mighty is the dark. But hope prevails in that your love manifests itself in every breath and heart beat of the singular moment.

My life is short but a small breath before this body will be consumed by the rising night but now, oh now I see the sunrise. The beauty of your light in this broken and twisted world we are both products and creators of.

The light burns away the shadowy mist and pierces this heart that was cast in metal long ago. This heart broken by shattered dreams and betrayed love, a heart reforged in the darkest depths to avoid Your gaze but oh how the droplets of blood fall on this fetid thing, hidden in mask and how your love breaks it once again.

Only You, it is only You that still makes my heart flutter and beat for life in this broken world. It's only your light that gives hope to my these red tear stained eyes. It's only by Your life that I can live again, that beyond this mortal coil.

Baptize me with your love, once again, make this broken day new again. Remove the bright red stains of hypocrisy from my lips and carry me from this field of dying dreams and broken bodies. This cemetery plot that beckons me to abandon hope and love in exchange for senseless apathy.

Don't let me fall to the wayside, please carry me to whatever end you see as best.

To this day nobody can move me, nobody can move you like You do.

Seeing the Sun at Night

I could complain...but in a lot of ways...what is the point?

It is nice to feel grateful for something...even though it isn't exactly what I wish it could have been.

It's nice to feel some sincerity in my voice...while talking to You...for a change.

"Space Robot Five" - Brave Saint Saturn

"Independence Day" - Brave Saint Saturn

You're biting your lip now,
I know 'cause you do it all the time.
You're blinking your eyes hard,
I know 'cause you used to be mine.
You're strong and resilient,
Beautiful and brilliant,
Proving that you're free,
Independently.
You say, you still love me,
But I'm your own worst enemy.

Independence Day,
Second of May,
Lost my best friend and a fiancé',
So I will hold this candle high.
Independence Day,
Nothing I could say,
Could sway you not to sever ties,
Your liberty can't rest on lies.

Francisco Goya,
Painted it gay,
I'd rather have been shot,
On the Third Of May.
Freedom never came for free,
Patriots are bleeding their veins clean,
That's me in the corner,
Singing "God Save the Queen",
God save the queen.

Independence Day,
Second of May,
Lost my best friend and a fiancé',
So I will hold this candle high.
Independence Day,
Nothing I could say,
Could sway you not to sever ties,
Your liberty can't rest on lies.

I can think of better synonyms for fear,
I hope your life is great I hope it's been a wonderful year.
Waiting every day,
Staring at the phone,
Jesus Christ, I feel so empty and alone.

It's amazing how many different ways I can find to sick my foot into my mouth.

Wow.

I just got punched in the stomach, metaphorically speaking.

I just realized how much of a waste the past three years of life have been, on a game I mean. Sure there are friendships and memories...but its just...seriously? What am I doing? Was this anything what I wanted to be?

King of a sinking ship? Broken body, broken soul and broken mind?

Seriously?

Geez...I honestly thought I had issues...just looking at this...it's like walking in on myself naked and realizing...that...deep down it's shallow...I don't know how I am so surprised to see other human beings flawed like me...but its a bitter and odd taste.

How could I have wasted so much time?

I want to throw up for more reasons now.

At least a sucker or a fool would have realized what he was getting himself into.

Maybe, maybe not.

Doesn't matter I do not think.

I feel like some sort of sucker...involving my heart and mind in endeavors both fruitless and worthless...and at the end of the day I'm still not some sort of hero who wins the girl and gets to go home...I'm just the idiot nice guy holding the umbrella out for a long list of people who, for the most part, just seem to add to my stress levels.

The self righteous part of me wants to scream and throw a tantrum...but that is as juvenile as it is pointless. Ultimately it is all just a bunch of code running through a system and being projected across a screen...anything else there is something we read into the systematic chaos influenced by the random factors of humanity.

It is the pained moments of clarification that I think a lot of people reach the point where they kill themselves. A revamping, redefining of life to the point where its realizing a lot of life is a pointless struggle with no 'Thank you very much' attached to it.

Which is fine.

Really it is.

The people who can be happy and without care are those who can regulate certain portions of their mind into areas that either feel nothing or are these fairy land areas where life is desensitized into understandable snipits and small bites capable of rational thought.

Which you know, isn't necessarily the worst of ideas...I mean, how many people are like me? Unable to sleep at night because they know some sort of finality is coming and will bring about some sort of end to reality as we know it and things will be redefined into some new and otherwise unknowable context?

That is of course assuming I'm not just some paranoid schizophrenic with a best friend called Jesus.

I'm not sure how I got to or where I'm going but I just want to just cancel every form of contact I have with people and find a cave to go to, some far distant cave in a desert so I can think this all out in my head...try to make some logical progress about these otherwise illogical creatures that rip my heart open and don't understand tears or pain.

And it's not like I'm some sort of comedian...getting the joke no one else is in on...I see the joke and personally find it sick and revolting...I feel sort of helpless to do anything about it but what is that anyway?

As if somehow the world would bow to my will and my mind...as if I am capable of the impossible and can break down things to such a level anyone would wish to join my bandwagon.

As if.

The people I'm thinking of would read this and simply think I am speaking of other people...and those who I wish would not bother to try and understand will over think this into some sort of personal attack...when all this is, all this is is just an extension of my mind...flowing thoughts that ebb and become more and more unbecoming by the moment, causing more stress and apathy in its wake.

I am trying to understand things and as it were...I may not understand them.

Or maybe, just maybe I am taking things just a bit too seriously.

I have problems with divorcing emotional attachment away from things.

Every time I leave a place, go away from someone or something and...if I honest to God actually cared about it...it rips a part of my soul and heart away and it hurts...God does it hurt.

It's like I'm leaving pieces of myself here and there, scattered over the horizon and under the sunset and I'm tired of it.

If this Jesus thing isn't just an elaborate scam meant to eventually drive me insane...then I want out.

Now.

I hate swearing and I feel like I do it too much on here and offend a lot of people who may not actually exist in the first place...but forget this.

Forget nobility.
Forget higher calling.
Fotget being at peace with the world and fuck developing spiritual fruits.

Anyone with the audacity or ignorance to say any of those things to me at this point would be asking for me to just explode. I don't care nor do I want your trite religious and spiritual sayings because they do nothing.

Saying Jesus has a big plan for everything and that every possible evil and disgusting thing in this world has its own point...seriously? Does it? This isn't just a case of who is behind the curtain but the entire world that exists around that stupid curtain.

I'm tired of feeling like my faith is a sham simply because I ask questions that make other people upset and uncomfortable.

A life that is unexamined is a life not worth living but a life that has been examined has little worth living out in and of itself.

Being independent of thought and purpose is what?

What is this?

What is going on?

What is this madness?

The more I ask the little that seems to really matter and make sense. The more frustrated I become and the more I just want to run from everything and everyone. I have so many questions, most of which lack any means of articulate intelligent expression and are just these growing pains inside me that I do not know how to stifle.

Besides, this isn't the most attractive thing in the world. Few women find honest confusion and doubt to be sexy and those who do might need to get their head checked out because there are a few screws loosed somewhere.

The focus society and culture thrusts upon us are these impossible ideals that no one understands or can explain...instead what I have is this useless rambling post of nonsense that conveys nothing of any real and significant value because the ones I want to scream at are innocent and the only person to blame for my pain, my hurt, my anger my fucking confusion is myself.

Seething rage mixed with just a few hints of bitter jealously and desperate longing to no longer be in pain.

But considering Jesus' track record of taking his time...I should be fine about five minutes after I am just dead.

Yup that would be my luck.

For Now...

Every moment here is one I cannot get back and that feels as though it is nothing more than a twisted jest of faith.

And...yet, still more remains.

Even through this murky haze of prescribed drugs and of a soul caught in a twilight of change...if there is hope enough for me there is for you too.

This city we live in reeks of Babylon and is steadily charting its own descent into madness. Just as every ounce of pain is a soul reminder that my number has been called and the ticket will be up soon, I will press on deeper ignore caution and all signs. But sometimes the only fight left is the one in which you must loose, irregardless of circumstances I'm not going to quit, not now.

Even this pain must end with time.

Some deep thoughts on the economy...

Thank you, thank you. No applause necessary but cash, checks, money orders and most major credits card will be accepted no questions asked.

Of Muse and Firestone

But a glimpse?
A mere glimpse is that what you speak of?
Such a small token
can only hope to stave
and not satisfy the aching heart.

The heart is both crafty and naive
in its own understanding
of truth and sentiment.
Bound by desire
and encased in soul.

We walk and we talk
and we travel hand in hand
along the watery ways.

Speak again so that I might here
and know what the divine sounds of.
Look upon me with your eyes
and see my tattered soul,
the mere scraps of a life
whose basis is survival.

Take these blistered eyes
and worn hands,
pass your touch on them
bring a renewal,
life,
to this dessert
a wasteland that is my soul.

Let me but gaze once more upon your figure,
to see you in entirety
and gaze into your soul
and I should be content so share with you.

Oh this traverse of the soul looking.
Free me from my prison
and of this cage.
My fear. my doubt and pain.

But a mere glimpse does not provide relief
it merely stirs the soul to recall
and remember you in more vivid details.
Living colors wrapped in words
which you whisper sweet and softly,
the muse and divine creature you are.

Sentiments fall shy of you
and seek to displace truth with a picture
when all I can see is you.
You may see in eyes of the divine
but I can see you when you cannot see me.
While you are bound I am free
with no intention of leaving until
this all burns to dust.

And so on...

Some won't understand my anger...why seeing this pain around me causes me to crumple to the ground in pain. Most do not see what I see...the barren and broken reality and the beautiful potential of grace...as well as the all consuming chasm separating the two.

Why do the people around me have to suffer? If you need someone to hurt...just let it be me. I already feel the fire inside me burning so bad...what is a little more anguish? More pain?

None of this makes sense in anyway that I wish to comprehend.

I hate you almost as much as I love you.
I despise you as much as I need you.

I don't know what it is you want from me...you say love, my heart...well it can't break any further. I feel reduced to the smallest of all possible pieces...I want to breath but I can't. The pain is like a freezing water crushing upon my chest and lungs, squeezing out whatever remains.

I want to believe so badly that love wins, that Jesus, you ARE...but God, it is so pain to see any light because of this darkness.

Doubt in Waves

Just in case you haven't noticed lately...there is an entire world down here that is isolated, desolate and utterly fucked up.

It would be nice to actually feel your love and your peace.

Haven't these people suffered enough?

Do the tears mean anything to you anymore?

Can you even take the time to throw a drowning man a line?

Where is this peace? This peace on earth?

So many times I don't know what to say...what to do or how to act.

I just want to share love and peace when all I have is this broken soul and decaying body.

Can love endure despite humanity?

Here I go...yet again.

*sigh*

I hate funerals.

God, I know you know what you are doing but this one of the many times I just have to stop and say "Are you sure this is the best way? The best way things can be done?"

Oh Father, increase my faith, help me to always question and doubt but always help me to trust and to grow in faith.

The night has its own method, its own thoughts and isolation.

A lot of the time I do not know why I try or care.

I am.

And, I do not like it.

This Is It

Mind barely able to function.
Throat burns.
Mind so clouded.
I just do not understand
the how and.

There is very few answers offered
so in a way it doesn't matter how you come
or really even why.
None good enough,
not even for me.