And so on...

Some won't understand my anger...why seeing this pain around me causes me to crumple to the ground in pain. Most do not see what I see...the barren and broken reality and the beautiful potential of grace...as well as the all consuming chasm separating the two.

Why do the people around me have to suffer? If you need someone to hurt...just let it be me. I already feel the fire inside me burning so bad...what is a little more anguish? More pain?

None of this makes sense in anyway that I wish to comprehend.

I hate you almost as much as I love you.
I despise you as much as I need you.

I don't know what it is you want from me...you say love, my heart...well it can't break any further. I feel reduced to the smallest of all possible pieces...I want to breath but I can't. The pain is like a freezing water crushing upon my chest and lungs, squeezing out whatever remains.

I want to believe so badly that love wins, that Jesus, you ARE...but God, it is so pain to see any light because of this darkness.