Truth is as relative and poignant as one allows it.
It's quite clear to see
what has been done here.
The self entitled mummers of your heart
and watching it rip your soul apart
for nothing less than the stark nothing inside.
Your heart will never bleed
when its made of stone
You'll never feel
any love you refuse.
Words will never convey
what actions hold meaningless
and there is no conversation
held in these empty places.
It's not that you haven't heard this before
but strictly speaking
its just between you and me
that the truest beauty
simply continues to defy all.
Dear muse.
Monday, March 30, 2009
"Where the Sun Never Dies" - Blindside
I think I saw a place in the distance
We've always known it was there
When I have breathed for the last time
I'll walk out to the end of that pier
There is that place in our conscience
So talk so loud so you won't hear and forget
But I'll still call it home
Where the sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
Where it's bright when I shut my eyes
I'll drink until I'm not thirsty
The sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
It's just waiting to rise
I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way
There's something moving in the shadows
There is that rumor of hope
When the spirit starts roaring
For so long we have but no longer will we cope
Love is personified
I'd rather die in love
Than stay alive numb
I'll still call it home
I'm still longing home
Where the sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
Where it's bright when I shut my eyes
I'll drink until I'm not thirsty
The sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
It's just waiting to rise
I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way
I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way
Following Timed
Saying goodbye isn't enough,
it's sort of like loosing a part of you
or watching it leave as you walk by the door.
Or sometimes it is more like watching you
as you walk out and not coming back.
It's an interesting turn of events
realizing yourself as is
and not doing too much about it.
Being so tired
being so sick
what is it worth?
This time to say hello and goodbye,
it is worth the time of life
the energy and effort
it takes to crawl forward
and at times simply cry.
It is worth it to feel
even when it is simply pain
making it impossible to kneel
rendering speech impractical
because of what little remains.
This sacrifice of moment,
consequential of time,
is all that we have left.
To spend, invest, charm
and leave ways of deceit.
But here it is,
in all of its beautiful horror,
life remaining as it is
looking back
as you stare into the inky wells,
never blinking
without a smoldering statement.
Just as is.
Nothing more
nothing less,
nothing more than its own narcissistic embrace
of air in the moment of need
bleeding out all the faith indeed.
Making life remarkably unremarkable
one blessed step at a time.
it's sort of like loosing a part of you
or watching it leave as you walk by the door.
Or sometimes it is more like watching you
as you walk out and not coming back.
It's an interesting turn of events
realizing yourself as is
and not doing too much about it.
Being so tired
being so sick
what is it worth?
This time to say hello and goodbye,
it is worth the time of life
the energy and effort
it takes to crawl forward
and at times simply cry.
It is worth it to feel
even when it is simply pain
making it impossible to kneel
rendering speech impractical
because of what little remains.
This sacrifice of moment,
consequential of time,
is all that we have left.
To spend, invest, charm
and leave ways of deceit.
But here it is,
in all of its beautiful horror,
life remaining as it is
looking back
as you stare into the inky wells,
never blinking
without a smoldering statement.
Just as is.
Nothing more
nothing less,
nothing more than its own narcissistic embrace
of air in the moment of need
bleeding out all the faith indeed.
Making life remarkably unremarkable
one blessed step at a time.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Goodnight and Gooday.
Dancing shades of midnight
running across the sky.
Memories of the lesser divine
running across eyes that lie.
Missing in ways
crawling through the day
While waiting,
just waiting for you.
The words you say
lighting a fire
deep within my soul.
Caressing the mind.
Touching deep.
Running across the chasm of your mind
touching me deep.
Words within and without
taking it across in this manner.
Resonating in beginnings and end.
All of these outside influences
become more
and more convoluted
as the ages pass.
Words becoming half spoken truths
amongst other things.
Everything in mind
is coming apart in here.
Matters and manners alike
and thoughts apart of time.
Formulating lies,
a sort of divine choice
given before words made sense.
Thankfully it is now,
shortcomings and all.
Making life in twilight
and shades of purpose.
running across the sky.
Memories of the lesser divine
running across eyes that lie.
Missing in ways
crawling through the day
While waiting,
just waiting for you.
The words you say
lighting a fire
deep within my soul.
Caressing the mind.
Touching deep.
Running across the chasm of your mind
touching me deep.
Words within and without
taking it across in this manner.
Resonating in beginnings and end.
All of these outside influences
become more
and more convoluted
as the ages pass.
Words becoming half spoken truths
amongst other things.
Everything in mind
is coming apart in here.
Matters and manners alike
and thoughts apart of time.
Formulating lies,
a sort of divine choice
given before words made sense.
Thankfully it is now,
shortcomings and all.
Making life in twilight
and shades of purpose.
Morning Lies
Melodrama and false starts
plague the mind.
Diminishing value and useless parts
move about in time.
Disorder and dissonance
ring true only in part
Orderly romance
painted in by numbers
behaving in part as it is stifled.
Just make it quick
forget feeling sick
just play through in time.
Forgetting the depth of sincerity
and bredth of humanity.
love is in need of Love to save it
make right
making it tight
and making it real once again.
plague the mind.
Diminishing value and useless parts
move about in time.
Disorder and dissonance
ring true only in part
Orderly romance
painted in by numbers
behaving in part as it is stifled.
Just make it quick
forget feeling sick
just play through in time.
Forgetting the depth of sincerity
and bredth of humanity.
love is in need of Love to save it
make right
making it tight
and making it real once again.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
"World Without End" - Five Iron Frenzy
For all the deepest thought compiled,philosophy
to laws of physics,
no one's ever heard or seen,
a more beautiful thing,
than this love that saved us.
In the soundless awe and wonder,
words fall short to hope again.
How beautiful,
how vast your love is,
new forever,
world without an end.
The very spark that burns the stars,
drew near to me today,
the God of everything that is,
whispered in my ear that His love is boundless.
In the soundless awe and wonder,
words fall short to hope again.
How beautiful,
how vast your love is,
new forever,
world without an end.
to laws of physics,
no one's ever heard or seen,
a more beautiful thing,
than this love that saved us.
In the soundless awe and wonder,
words fall short to hope again.
How beautiful,
how vast your love is,
new forever,
world without an end.
The very spark that burns the stars,
drew near to me today,
the God of everything that is,
whispered in my ear that His love is boundless.
In the soundless awe and wonder,
words fall short to hope again.
How beautiful,
how vast your love is,
new forever,
world without an end.
"The Greatest Story Ever Told" - Five Iron Frenzy
"How's your life?""How are things?"
"Great they're going okay!"
Something stale and superficial,
not to ruin your day.
Something swell,
something gay,
with the toothiest
smile,
something sappy,
something happy,
something smells like bile.
I don't want to burst your bubble,
not to rain on your parade,
underneath my skin I'm tired,
limping down the path I've made.
The clap of thunder in my veins,
breaks on barren manifold,
still and small and so mundane,
the greatest story ever told.
Are you crawling through the dismal?
Gray of nothing,
frostbite kills.
Does this world make light of weaving,
shrouds to bury,
graves to fill?
I am just a kindred spirit,
a runner who is running still.
Welcome to the longest mile,
the most costly thing you'll ever hold,
wonderful is the journey,
the greatest story ever told.
All my dreams are slowly dying.
I can count my years in scars.
The only one that's never left me,
has carried me so very far.
I've heard it said that he wastes nothing,
so beautiful to behold,
the author of my hope is writing,
the greatest story ever told.
"Great they're going okay!"
Something stale and superficial,
not to ruin your day.
Something swell,
something gay,
with the toothiest
smile,
something sappy,
something happy,
something smells like bile.
I don't want to burst your bubble,
not to rain on your parade,
underneath my skin I'm tired,
limping down the path I've made.
The clap of thunder in my veins,
breaks on barren manifold,
still and small and so mundane,
the greatest story ever told.
Are you crawling through the dismal?
Gray of nothing,
frostbite kills.
Does this world make light of weaving,
shrouds to bury,
graves to fill?
I am just a kindred spirit,
a runner who is running still.
Welcome to the longest mile,
the most costly thing you'll ever hold,
wonderful is the journey,
the greatest story ever told.
All my dreams are slowly dying.
I can count my years in scars.
The only one that's never left me,
has carried me so very far.
I've heard it said that he wastes nothing,
so beautiful to behold,
the author of my hope is writing,
the greatest story ever told.
"Far, Far Away" - Five Iron Frenzy
Staring at the shoreline
wishing for some hope
the weight of empty fishing nets
is more than twisted rope
And underneath stern faces
they wait with baited breath
with broken hearts from hoping
while casting out their nets
See the figure on the shore
He speaks His words like plain men sing
His hands they still have holes in them
glory to the King
Can you hear the bells are ringing
far, far, away?
Can you hear the voices singing
far, far, away?
I know that one day soon a song shall rise
you’ll hear it with the sleep still in your eyes
And Peter was a liar
a traitor just like me
and Judas was a hypocrite
and Paul a Pharisee
When truth can be so distant
and hope evades our reach
Peter swam across the water
and found it on the beach
Can you hear the bells are ringing
far, far, away?
Can you hear the voices singing
far, far, away?
I know that one day soon a song shall rise
you’ll hear it with the sleep still in your eyes
I hear they’ll hang you upside down
stretched across two boards
for hearing distant voices
and crossing to the Lord.
wishing for some hope
the weight of empty fishing nets
is more than twisted rope
And underneath stern faces
they wait with baited breath
with broken hearts from hoping
while casting out their nets
See the figure on the shore
He speaks His words like plain men sing
His hands they still have holes in them
glory to the King
Can you hear the bells are ringing
far, far, away?
Can you hear the voices singing
far, far, away?
I know that one day soon a song shall rise
you’ll hear it with the sleep still in your eyes
And Peter was a liar
a traitor just like me
and Judas was a hypocrite
and Paul a Pharisee
When truth can be so distant
and hope evades our reach
Peter swam across the water
and found it on the beach
Can you hear the bells are ringing
far, far, away?
Can you hear the voices singing
far, far, away?
I know that one day soon a song shall rise
you’ll hear it with the sleep still in your eyes
I hear they’ll hang you upside down
stretched across two boards
for hearing distant voices
and crossing to the Lord.
"Wilderness" - The OC Supertones
The rain falls on the righteous and the wicked
Mine is not to reason why this is
In this I rest in this I find my refuge
That my thoughts and ways are not His
I spend my life on looking up the answers
It’s rare that I can’t find a reason why
But reasons fail at children without mothers
His plan is more than I can know
Have you ever held in doubt
What this life is all about
Have you questioned all these things that seem important to us
Do you really wanna know
Or are you a little scared
You’re afraid that God is not really exactly what you’d have Him be
What should I hold to and what should I do
How do I know if anything’s true
I’m somewhere in-between Canaan and Egypt
A place called the wilderness
I’m not one who always trusts their feelings
I don’t believe in what you’d call blind faith
But faith that you can do all that you promised
And you said it all works for good
It’s safe to say I don’t see the big picture
I can’t see the forest for the trees
And if five hundred lives
Were mine to get to know
You all could be spent on just this
Have you ever held in doubt
What this life is all about
Have you questioned all these things that seem important to us
Do you really wanna know
Or are you a little scared
You’re afraid that God is not really exactly what you’d have Him be
What should I hold to and what should I do
How do I know if anything’s true
I’m somewhere in-between Canaan and Egypt
A place called the wilderness
God do you really understand what it’s like to be a man
Have You ever felt the weight of loving all the things you Hate
Have You struggled have you worried
How can You sympathize
I have spoken too soon put my hand over my mouth
I can’t contend with You
Your ways are so much higher
And we pass through the fire that Christ endured before us
When You were in the wilderness
Mine is not to reason why this is
In this I rest in this I find my refuge
That my thoughts and ways are not His
I spend my life on looking up the answers
It’s rare that I can’t find a reason why
But reasons fail at children without mothers
His plan is more than I can know
Have you ever held in doubt
What this life is all about
Have you questioned all these things that seem important to us
Do you really wanna know
Or are you a little scared
You’re afraid that God is not really exactly what you’d have Him be
What should I hold to and what should I do
How do I know if anything’s true
I’m somewhere in-between Canaan and Egypt
A place called the wilderness
I’m not one who always trusts their feelings
I don’t believe in what you’d call blind faith
But faith that you can do all that you promised
And you said it all works for good
It’s safe to say I don’t see the big picture
I can’t see the forest for the trees
And if five hundred lives
Were mine to get to know
You all could be spent on just this
Have you ever held in doubt
What this life is all about
Have you questioned all these things that seem important to us
Do you really wanna know
Or are you a little scared
You’re afraid that God is not really exactly what you’d have Him be
What should I hold to and what should I do
How do I know if anything’s true
I’m somewhere in-between Canaan and Egypt
A place called the wilderness
God do you really understand what it’s like to be a man
Have You ever felt the weight of loving all the things you Hate
Have You struggled have you worried
How can You sympathize
I have spoken too soon put my hand over my mouth
I can’t contend with You
Your ways are so much higher
And we pass through the fire that Christ endured before us
When You were in the wilderness
All Too Human
I have such a high degree of pride. I try to make comments like "I'm so tired of humanity" or "Wow, glad I didn't have much faith in human beings to loose" as if somehow I am separate, somehow different and not made of the same material...as if I wasn't an amphibian...partly living my life in the physical and part in the spiritual.
I think there is this sadistic streak of megalomania running through my mind so I can continue to justify so how selfish of a life I live, somehow justify the fact I waste so many resources when the majority of the world's population lives in Hell on Earth.
There is this fear of facing who I really am and as long as I do not let anyone else see him then I do not have to. I have grown so good at this job of living hypocrisy that I have myself fooled.
I mean, the world is a stage right? We don't have a say about going out on it but we do have a choice about who we play and I try so desperately to not be me. Every time I open my mouth I spew forth the sort of nauseating trash that any good that comes of me isn't me...it is the living One who has killed the finality of death.
It feels so tainting to realize that all of us have the exact same potential of good and evil. None of us are as unique as we want to think we are...because when you strip away all of these outside thoughts...we have the exact same blood, the same need, mostly the same wants...we segregate ourselves into like minded community so we do not have to face the fact we are vastly inept and codependent creatures needing to leach off of one another so survive.
And the greatest thing, to my shame, is being able to manipulate truth without even realizing it. I speak in half truths because my mind is much too hazy to even think straight and I can distract people from the full portrait of my collective failure by telling them just enough for them to see me, then everyone can stop and admire my honesty, my truth, my struggle, my agony I put on display on here as a freak show. The only difference is I don't get paid for showing off the ugliness of my soul. The wretch that I am under these clothes and this skin.
That is the problem...this isn't unique...some of us are just damn good actors able to hold things together long enough to earn a paycheck and cash it before we kill ourselves by drowning in our self loathing hypocrisy.
Despite me inability to feel genuine compassion for anyone outside of my self driven narcissism...I still feel the pain embodied in people's souls...it is a bucket of ice cold water that renews my self hate and guilt. Realizing that people are actual sentient beings...real people...full of real pain, real emotions, real disappointments, real weakness, real tears, real problems...real. Dangerously real, painfully real...and the answers feel so cheap and hollow when they are in context.
It is just...painful and real...something I do not enjoy seeing...especially when I'm put into the context of other people...it means coming clean about my ego, my self appointed god over the masses...able to call people out for their fake life...all the while I hide behind Jesus using him just as much as anyone else has. I don't want him ruling or being righteous, or loving others...because that means I am just as wrong, just as broken, just in need of His love. His correction, His grace, His touch...it means more then just confessing...but putting life into perspective after living for myself in the ways I've learned how from a life of self appointed hypocrisy.
But that is the horrific beauty of the situation...I can continue to berate myself in this public way...but no one can no what these words mean...except me and the Ineffable One, it's only between us two. This plays out in public because I'm fool enough to actually tell people what I think and feel...I can't help it...it's weird...it's the sickness of self and just how much I hate living two lives...unable to reconcile everything around me and within me with the life around me.
I'm so tired of the cold and wet making me shiver in this desolation of the soul...I'm so tired of making the same idiotic decisions for years at a time...wasting my life and Your time...it feels like the best I can do is say I'm sorry, I'm sorry and please love me, hold me close once again and pull me up from this wasteland I keep finding myself in again.
I just want to run away, to go away from everything...to just find myself in a desert where all I can do is just lay myself bare, pull off the hypocritical lies I wear as my clothes, pull myself apart, just lay here and know what sacrifice means, to know what truth is...to know that when I bleed and feel pain...it's just the same as anyone else...no one is above anyone...we are all made equal before this Throne and words fall short yet again...how wonderful, how vast, how incredibly without beginning and end is Your love...your nature.
Even in this darkness, even with the contempt I hold towards people...keeping them at arms length just so I can justify everything I do not want to be true...there is ample love...the end isn't here, just the beginning.
No matter the darkness, no matter how shockingly real this pain is...love carries, love redeems, love wins over this life, over this broken and twisted world that holds no sense. I can only cling to this in lost hope that no matter how dark the night, no matter how much I resent help, no matter how much I want to be by ,myself, no matter how much I hate you...that as I lay here dying in the addicted narcissism of my soul, of this dying body...of this broke and weeping soul...that You have carried me through this night and the sunrise is coming. That I curse and hate you doesn't matter...that I've screamed my throat raw telling You how much You are wrong...that this creation is wrong, that You have failed...you hold me in love, you made me in love and you will carry me from this world in love. Love.
Words fall short...that fall short time and time again.
I have nothing I can say to express understanding of this grace.
Just draw near again, make me clean, make me see life as it is and how it can be. Forgive my doubt and hate. Just, thank you. Thank you.
I think there is this sadistic streak of megalomania running through my mind so I can continue to justify so how selfish of a life I live, somehow justify the fact I waste so many resources when the majority of the world's population lives in Hell on Earth.
There is this fear of facing who I really am and as long as I do not let anyone else see him then I do not have to. I have grown so good at this job of living hypocrisy that I have myself fooled.
I mean, the world is a stage right? We don't have a say about going out on it but we do have a choice about who we play and I try so desperately to not be me. Every time I open my mouth I spew forth the sort of nauseating trash that any good that comes of me isn't me...it is the living One who has killed the finality of death.
It feels so tainting to realize that all of us have the exact same potential of good and evil. None of us are as unique as we want to think we are...because when you strip away all of these outside thoughts...we have the exact same blood, the same need, mostly the same wants...we segregate ourselves into like minded community so we do not have to face the fact we are vastly inept and codependent creatures needing to leach off of one another so survive.
And the greatest thing, to my shame, is being able to manipulate truth without even realizing it. I speak in half truths because my mind is much too hazy to even think straight and I can distract people from the full portrait of my collective failure by telling them just enough for them to see me, then everyone can stop and admire my honesty, my truth, my struggle, my agony I put on display on here as a freak show. The only difference is I don't get paid for showing off the ugliness of my soul. The wretch that I am under these clothes and this skin.
That is the problem...this isn't unique...some of us are just damn good actors able to hold things together long enough to earn a paycheck and cash it before we kill ourselves by drowning in our self loathing hypocrisy.
Despite me inability to feel genuine compassion for anyone outside of my self driven narcissism...I still feel the pain embodied in people's souls...it is a bucket of ice cold water that renews my self hate and guilt. Realizing that people are actual sentient beings...real people...full of real pain, real emotions, real disappointments, real weakness, real tears, real problems...real. Dangerously real, painfully real...and the answers feel so cheap and hollow when they are in context.
It is just...painful and real...something I do not enjoy seeing...especially when I'm put into the context of other people...it means coming clean about my ego, my self appointed god over the masses...able to call people out for their fake life...all the while I hide behind Jesus using him just as much as anyone else has. I don't want him ruling or being righteous, or loving others...because that means I am just as wrong, just as broken, just in need of His love. His correction, His grace, His touch...it means more then just confessing...but putting life into perspective after living for myself in the ways I've learned how from a life of self appointed hypocrisy.
But that is the horrific beauty of the situation...I can continue to berate myself in this public way...but no one can no what these words mean...except me and the Ineffable One, it's only between us two. This plays out in public because I'm fool enough to actually tell people what I think and feel...I can't help it...it's weird...it's the sickness of self and just how much I hate living two lives...unable to reconcile everything around me and within me with the life around me.
I'm so tired of the cold and wet making me shiver in this desolation of the soul...I'm so tired of making the same idiotic decisions for years at a time...wasting my life and Your time...it feels like the best I can do is say I'm sorry, I'm sorry and please love me, hold me close once again and pull me up from this wasteland I keep finding myself in again.
I just want to run away, to go away from everything...to just find myself in a desert where all I can do is just lay myself bare, pull off the hypocritical lies I wear as my clothes, pull myself apart, just lay here and know what sacrifice means, to know what truth is...to know that when I bleed and feel pain...it's just the same as anyone else...no one is above anyone...we are all made equal before this Throne and words fall short yet again...how wonderful, how vast, how incredibly without beginning and end is Your love...your nature.
Even in this darkness, even with the contempt I hold towards people...keeping them at arms length just so I can justify everything I do not want to be true...there is ample love...the end isn't here, just the beginning.
No matter the darkness, no matter how shockingly real this pain is...love carries, love redeems, love wins over this life, over this broken and twisted world that holds no sense. I can only cling to this in lost hope that no matter how dark the night, no matter how much I resent help, no matter how much I want to be by ,myself, no matter how much I hate you...that as I lay here dying in the addicted narcissism of my soul, of this dying body...of this broke and weeping soul...that You have carried me through this night and the sunrise is coming. That I curse and hate you doesn't matter...that I've screamed my throat raw telling You how much You are wrong...that this creation is wrong, that You have failed...you hold me in love, you made me in love and you will carry me from this world in love. Love.
Words fall short...that fall short time and time again.
I have nothing I can say to express understanding of this grace.
Just draw near again, make me clean, make me see life as it is and how it can be. Forgive my doubt and hate. Just, thank you. Thank you.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Blank Canvas
There is so much of my mind right now that is just so empty and fuzzy right now. It is so hard to focus or anything.
It is so annoying...so frustrating right this moment.
It is so annoying...so frustrating right this moment.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Dah de dah
Insufficient...just this mixture of words I do not know.
My soul feels cheap.
I have some serious doubts about several vivid aspects of life.
Fatigue isn't one of them however.
My soul feels cheap.
I have some serious doubts about several vivid aspects of life.
Fatigue isn't one of them however.
Monday, March 23, 2009
On the other hand...
Initially I was going to say "Boy, I think I am going to throw a rock at the face of every smug Christian minister I went to school with that makes 'clever' mocking remarks about other traditions, religions and beliefs."
Then I realized the hypocrisy of such a thought.
Then I thought: "Five bucks to anyone who pegs me in the face with a rock every time I make a hate filled hypocritically complaining remark about someone else."
Then I realized I wouldn't have a face left...along with just having embodied the self flagellating of Catholicism I despise.
So instead...prayerful silence.
Then I realized the hypocrisy of such a thought.
Then I thought: "Five bucks to anyone who pegs me in the face with a rock every time I make a hate filled hypocritically complaining remark about someone else."
Then I realized I wouldn't have a face left...along with just having embodied the self flagellating of Catholicism I despise.
So instead...prayerful silence.
In the Sounds of Your Mind
Indeed the frailties of the heart are many
and how few is its strength,
and of these few
remain but faith, hope and love
but may it be known
that through fiery resolve
it may be said
that these will endure.
These can endure
and that these must endure.
Now and until we wade
through the ebbing tides of eternity.
And may it not be said
you were never missed
oh dearest muse,
kindling of the flames
that are sparked here in the heart.
Breaking both rhyme and meter
as you speak plain and true.
and how few is its strength,
and of these few
remain but faith, hope and love
but may it be known
that through fiery resolve
it may be said
that these will endure.
These can endure
and that these must endure.
Now and until we wade
through the ebbing tides of eternity.
And may it not be said
you were never missed
oh dearest muse,
kindling of the flames
that are sparked here in the heart.
Breaking both rhyme and meter
as you speak plain and true.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Words, Just Meaningless Words
Sometimes, if not all the time, I get so livid...so frustrated...so upset...because I can be such an apathetic, uncaring and insensitive jackass.
I hate how sick I am...how weak I am. How absolutely revolting I am. Like so smug comedian who knows how the joke works on everyone but himself. How all the dice fall and how wrong the world is.
Oh yes, it is me oh it is me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in my trailer taking down nausea medicine and praying to God something either gets fixed or a car just hits me to put the world out of my pain.
I hate how sick I am...how weak I am. How absolutely revolting I am. Like so smug comedian who knows how the joke works on everyone but himself. How all the dice fall and how wrong the world is.
Oh yes, it is me oh it is me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in my trailer taking down nausea medicine and praying to God something either gets fixed or a car just hits me to put the world out of my pain.
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