Awkward Prayers

It is not like I didn't see this coming.

I mean, really.

Me? A minister of any kind?

I have no business in a church, much less behind a pulpit of any sort.

It's a joke, a facade. Did I mention hypocrite? This lying, dirty mercenary looking for a cheap thrill at the greatest expense for those around me? Oh and I'm bothering to write a self loathing post for attention and so people feel sorry and bad for me.

Look at me go.

Solider of Christ I ain't.

Royal jackass is a better call.

Or at least that is my personal thought on the matter.

It's not like I had any good intention in what I wanted to do. Oh, maybe there were a few positive thoughts. A few things that slipped through the cracks of my demented ego that is all about being praised for being so 'holy' and 'good'.

Such useless rubbish.

Every time someone bothers to try and help me or get in contact with me I'm so wrapped up in my own world and thoughts that I ignore them, missing calls and emails and like I said, I'm just an ass.

I don't even know what the hell I'm doing standing around here in this rain.

I seriously doubt anyone can tell me either.

The first person who uses a door metaphor to help me feel better is getting a knife thrown at them, fair warning.

It is not like I didn't seen this coming either, I had put SOO much hope and faith into this that even if I WOULD have gotten it, I would have been disappointed.

I was expecting a miracle drug for my ailments, that's why I don't give a damn how much sicker I get because I'm going to die anyway. It doesn't matter if I get pancreatic cancer from them trying to help me, this worthless fetid thing is going to die in gasping breaths soon enough and frankly I don't care.

More pain?
More needles?
So what.
I don't care.
I'm in pain and the people I live around can't understand that simple damn fact. Waking up hurt, standing up hurts, walking down damn stairs hurts, eating food hurts and don't even bring up the issue of anythign involving the bathroom.

All of us were born to die, some of us were just meant to fall apart faster and I don't care anymore.

I haven't cared since the day I realized as a child that it honestly doesn't matter to 'family'. As long as they get their gold star and hollow smile they can pretend everything is okay and they have an a okay number one son with no social anxiety, depression or suicidal thoughts.

We can pretend all the fucking rain is gumdrops and jellybeans.

It won't matter in the long run.

There are people with brain tumors, epilepsy, AIDS, quadriplegic, quadruple limb amputees and are all nicer, better tempered than me and not such an utter jackass that they can't get a simple internship which would require them to simply show people love.

I'm cold and try to act like but all I'm succeeding at is just being this pathetic creature begging for sympathy and hating people for even daring to look at me with the least big of sympathy. I want to be hated, I want to cause people to be revolted when they see me...because at least when they hate me I can give a self satisfied grin. I can at least finally feel good for being this absolute scum that I have so desperately wanted my entire life.

It would be a relief to not longer have expectations on my shoulders. It would be nice to actually just let go and become everything I have always been afraid of and hated, just so I can prove my expectations right and just lay down an die because I don't care anymore.

I hate what I haven't even become and shake my fists angrily at the shadows that dance around the room, as if they could care.

Because, you know what?

At the end of the day, at the end of the twenty four hours, the one thousand four hundred and forty minutes and the eighty six thousand and four hundred seconds pass...when all of the pass all of this would have been for nothing.

I feel so cold and angry because I have isolated myself and because I'm too tired of feeling anything.

I want to pretend I don't care, I want to scream until my lungs explode that I hate You and despise everything you have done for me...but it would be lies. I can't even choose to hate the one I am supposed to love. I want to hate you but you want let me. I want to curse your name and cut myself off from all of this but you will not let me. I hurt so badly and I just wish you would reduce my atoms to the nothing that inhabited this existence before you spoke.

I want to feel something beyond death, beyond spirit and just have nothing. Atheists are lucky and naive bastards that can be cowards enough to claim nothing.

If they could stare off into the eternity of nothing they claim to believe they would wet their pants in fear and fall on the ground unmoving and begging the rocks to cover them from the gaze of one who is at once impossibly infinite and impossibly personal.

And what is this?

More rubbish?

I can't even stay mad at you long enough to say I hate you.

I am running circles and just wish you would end this now.

End all of this because I can't take it.

I know I am in misery and pain because I live here and haven't tried to really live or do much more then shiver in fear and want to lay in bed and die.

That is me.

Wonderful hero of this story, isn't it?

I run circles, scream swear words and just try to be open while realizing my efforts are mostly worthless and with little to no real point.

I create this poor pool of egotistical nihilism and am surprised to have it try and swallow me up.

Nice, isn't it?

So much of my life has been based on lies, or to better phrase it, false perceptions of reality that I embrace because it makes life more bearable. We can't say lie or people may get their feelings hurt. But we can say altered state of mind or a perception of reality which better works with our preconceived notions of morality, political correctness and how wonderful the lack of love is.

I feel this anger, this hate, this frustration, this rage, this hurt, this growing emptiness...how hollow I really am and how uselessly cheap my faith truly is.

And you know what?

Once again I'm falling at your feet...bleeding, crying, scared and with no hope.
Once again I am out of options, out of hope and no longer want to go on.
I don't know how many more breaths I can take but without you they are meaningless.

The best I can do is offer these words I haven't written as fading prayers for tonight, just tonight, once again, once more my Love...



"They won't see the fire you have lit inside of me.
They look up to the stars and wonder where you might be.
They look up
Without realizing they're standing in the palm of your hand.
I can't explain or understand.
I just love you.

It's common knowledge that; you've been dead for a while.
It's well known that the cross is only a burden with pains and trials.
But thinking how come my shoes are so light,
how come I can walk for miles?
And still, just love you?

So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer,
cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words.

We have to prove that our love is real, over and over again.
But let them think what they want cause I know It'll never end.
Cause I know when it began.
And my heart still pumps twice as fast whenever you walk by.
Cause I still love you.

So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer,
cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words."
-Blindside, "Silence"

This Just In:

No internship for Matthew!

*sigh*

C'est la vie, I suppose.

Some things to take care of:

1.Job
2.School, seminary or university?
3.Internship

Hooray for golf ball sized hail and the potential of tornadoy death.

In the end of all things I'm not quite sure what to say or do.

I just hope the regrets will be far and few.

Enough Love for the Night

I would like to write a love song,
saying everything I never said.
I would like to write a love song
telling you all the words I never dared.

Bending reality with metaphor and unbreakable spirit,
Saying yes to life
and learning to no longer drift.
To embrace those trifling moments,
and realize the absolute beauty of the moment.

The uncompromising beauty of killing my pride,
killing this ego and myself long enough to feel,
to heal of this disease
and draw near enough to feel you again.

I've always felt that loving was loosing myself
but it's learning to find me inside you,
looking deep enough to feel
and hurt enough to reveal.
Looking inside to see your heart reflected
in every little thing I want to do.

Looking long enough to realize playing the martyr
fell out of fashion with the Colosseum
and everything I have left will fit
quite easily into your hands
and that the only thing left to give is my heart
and the hope that that might just be enough,
be enough for today, tomorrow and the next.

These words stretching out into eternity,
marking our spirits with hope
and the beauty eternally refracted in your eyes.

Just a thought...

If Christians wanted to kill off all the 'evil' atheistic scientist, all we would have to do is say that evolution may not be as far fetched as our religious tradition says and then invite them over by diner.

QED, heart attack for the win.

Death by kindness.

It's sort of like one of those moments where it feels like I'm going to go crazy if I don't crazy tonight.

Which can be a good thing.

It would be nice to overcome my frailties, my humanity that holds me back.

The pain and the fact I'm alive in ways while dead in others.

Just waiting.

Haven't slept, can't sleep.

Too many rushing thoughts screaming through my head keeping me awake.

Too many memories, of missing, longing and silliness.

You?

There is this fear of mine that some wounds go to deep.

That some injuries can never fully heal, that the soul simply can only do so much before it has to give up and wait for eternity.

I hope that is not true but some days it does feel that way.

So much.

So so much.

Hard time focusing this morning, so much I would rather be doing than getting ready for six hours of monotony...I really just do not even care about what happens to the store...I'm away from this sinking ship after today and when I get my final two paychecks I can be quite happy to never look back...maybe happy...I'm not sure.

I'm just feeling a mix of emotions, you know?

It has been a long and stressful few months...or year rather...so my mind is not always screwed on very tight.

*sigh*

My muscles and body scream out in protest against being awake. Shivers of pain and cold. Sometimes I wonder how I have even been alive this long.

But how long is long?

Time is so subjective anyways...

Most of it doesn't seem to even remotely matter, at least from what I can tell of it.

*sigh* It would be nice to say hello.

And a bit more.

I hate how empty the nights are.

So much emptiness with so much room for improvements...maybe.

Maybe not.

But, all the same, hi.

Today is the last day of my job...I'm not sure how much I care.

You Just Don't Know

You just don't know how badly I wish I could explain everything in simple symmetrical terms.

The things that are far beyond our grasps could be reduced to three point messages and end with an upbeat message of hope.

I wish I could lie through my teeth and say everything will be okay when I know the alternative is much more certain.

The best I can ever say is to grin and bear it with Jesus as best as you can.

Find your reason why you are alive and then rage against the forthcoming night.

Rage, rage against that incoming darkness, that night of solitude of the soul.

This can't be the end.

These feelings, these desires in my heart...the unfulfillable need for absolute and unconditional love still burns and demands an answer from you.

I can't pretend anything or act any other way then that of which I deem to be truth and absolute truth.

I can't keep it up much longer tonight, my mind is too conflicted with too much pain.

I just need to be released from this shell of emptiness.

Job?

What job?

No job here.

>_<

*sigh*

It is not as if I enjoy being a multilayer creature of various secrets and hypocrisy...far from it. I struggle with hating myself for every single breath I take, every word I have ever spoken and for every step forward.

I'm supposed to know good from bad but no one ever mentioned the gray areas much.

I feel so sick and so fake so often.

The plus side is I have my vanilla pudding and water right this moment.

They are nice.

There is no finality, even in death. Nothing truly ever ends in the way that we would perceive it would or hope to process it as. But then again we do not even understand the ideas of things unfolding or becoming more or what they truly are.

There is no need for rash or stupid decisions.

Prudence is needed.

Maybe.

Bandwagons

As fun as they sound they are just not cool.

Original thought?

That is cool.

So to celebrate cool, here is someone more cool than me. Plus he is actually funny and not just funny looking, like yours truly:

Partially slept...mind melted...things odd...self realization...almost...complete...

Still cannot sleep...too much inexpressible stress and pain.

More Use(ful)less Late Night Ramblings

Still sad.

Not as much scared though.

Tired and medicated.

Anxiety about later today about awaking from sleep.

What am I really looking forward in life?

I mean, it's like my life has revolved around Jesus, books, music and fear of women.

More than just fear of women but I think fear of every possible relationship. Fear that by opening myself up I will be hurt worse...so it is easier to live in my world of stories and dreams that could never happen in the first place.

I want to dream big but the dreams around me all seem to be related to marriage, kids and settling down. The first makes some sense to me and the second doesn't make sense as much as it seems like something Jesus did as a cruel joke and the third terrifies me beyond any conceivable notion worth even thinking about.

Settling?

Good grief, I don't know about that.

It feels like compromise, this whole loosing myself and the unlimited potential I theoretically have held at any given point of my life.

I mean I have so much potential that I dropped out of seminary and have had a series of dead end jobs that have paid so little that I can afford gas and the occasional meal out on the town with those I con/blackmail/bribe and kidnap into spending the time with me.

It is almost criminal how popular I am.

Yes.

I do crack myself up with my slightly nonsensical ramblings.

Happiness can't be found if you don't want it or aren't looking for it.

I know it sounds so silly and impossible but I think I have forgotten how to look for it and relish it in the small things.

I mean, at fourteen, I thought my job was to fix the world. You know, that can sort of screw a kids head up. What kind of crazy thought is that? I didn't even know WHAT a Bono was much less WHO he was.

I knew bits and pieces of music that I had no identification for but at the same time I saw U2 for the first time when I was fourteen and the television was on. I don't watch football if I can help it but I saw the halftime show of the Super Bowl. I don't know if it was the first time I heard "Where the Streets Have No Name" but it certainly was not the first time I felt that feeling of God entering the room.

Once again I'm not talking about Bono. His charisma (some say ego or his sunglasses) can be seen from space but my point is that like any willing person who is honest and doing what they love a certain joy and excitement comes across.

Joy is infectious but so is living in the doldrums.

No matter what a person is looking for they will find it. If they want the dark and all the pain in this world to drown themselves in then they can find it or you know, there is always the hope option.

Even those of us in circumstances out of our control and beyond our cognitive thought processes still get to choose how WE react.

Were we made for glory?
That is a sincere question that demands a personal and sincere answer.

If life is more than random incidental collisions of particle that don't even agree with each other from second to second, if life is more than just the base chemical reactions, more than the ideas of flesh and learning processes, if life is indeed more than what we can possible dare to dream than what are we made for?

What are these longings, these desires, these dreams, these hopes and the need for them?

It is interesting to think that Psalm 14 says, loosely, that "Only a fool says in his heart there is no God."

What does that mean?

That maybe, belief in God isn't this mental exercise, this sort of book or head knowledge that gets tallied up along with your blood pressure. That to understand God is to understand that nothing is something. To believe in God takes more than just our collectively exhausted mental exercises that are honestly just menial and trite at their best.

It's not like I can judge someone for not believing or call them a fool myself.

Personally, if I was an alien that came to earth and saw Pat Robertson on television I think I would stay just long enough to declare war on the earth and get it demolished as soon as extra terrestrially possible.

Faith is weird and paradoxical, which tends to scare people. Everyone wants an easy answear for something complex.

For example:

1 + 1 = ?

I.The answer everyone likes is two.

II.The answer from what I understand of truth is that humanity is loved by this mostly incomprehensible huge force of perfect divinity with no beginning or end and that calling him Yahweh is easier and more compact and that this Yahweh guy made rocks, trees, and people with personalities and free will. At some point things kind of got out of hand and so began this amazing love story of Yahweh trying to get His people to return to Him and had its climax with a Rabbi who said he was Yahweh and a man said some really neat things and made a lot of religious people angry enough to get him killed. Then you got the whole idea of salvation from sin, the restoration of the soul, the idea of people like minded living in community to support one another and only about twenty thousand different ideas I left out.

Which one would make the better bumper sticker?
I know these aren't original truths but I like to think I have been keeping an open mind with my search and from what I can tell they are all parts of what make up this amazing truth that is more infinite and unknowable than the female mind. Or theoretical physics for that matter.

Both intensely difficult subjects that make me break out in hives.

Although I'm not sure what hives really are. Except that bee's tend to live in them and they are a band with a strong fashion sense.

So girls and physics make me like honey and wearing suits.

Isn't logical progression a fun game?


Hmmm...maybe more later...

I am sad.

And sort of scared at the same time.

I am.

Truth is odd.
It goes hand in hand with trust though.
It's something I don't have much of when I look in the mirror.

I hear jeering voices mostly and my own sense of self imposed impending doom.


Hmm as much as I talk about metaphorical voices I'm surprised I haven't been locked up in a padded room yet.

Yay.

Is it sad I'm finding more theological relevance in some Queen songs than I do most 'Christian' ones?