I want to go Home.

Please.

Well I feel dumb now. >_<

Sleep?

Please?

Even though I am trying so damn hard I cannot fake being happy. I feel so confused, so lost, so alone right now...I mean...words are lacking in my mind and vocabulary to try and describe this...to understand and maybe even try to rationalize this...but the more I try the more I fail. The greater the effort I put forth the ever greater failure I experience.

Why can I not sleep? Can I at least have a decent amount of rest so I can try to confront this damnable life? Is the only plan you have is for me to become sicker and more angry and more paranoid?

It would be nice to actually have someone genuinely say everything will be alright but I know, I know you give no promises like that. It is pure bullshit to say You want us to be in a situation where we are healthy, happy and full of material wealth. You only promise pain and suffering and if that is what I am to bear in life, if this is my lot then I ask you to please forgive my lack of faith and the absence of compassion.

You created me and rescued me from my own Hells time and again, so what now? I can't pretend to understand, to know what is right or wrong. So many things I hae taken for granted and I have lost them.

Is the night soon to overtake me? How much longer will I be able to walk in this day before the night steals my breath away?

I am so tired. I do not know if I even desire to walk forward anymore.

I just, I have never been this spread thin, this exhausted...this...ready to have it all end in one fell swoop.

If you are even real, if you love me, please let this be the end of either my despair ot the end of my life in this moral realm.

I cannot hang onto promises and just words, I need strength, a vigor that died years ago. My breath is hard to take and my sight grows darker.

Whatever is your will please let it be. Regardless of my destination and health, as long as I am next to you I will make it.

Just, please do not forget me.
Please.

Seriously, what is up with all of you people, friend I mean, getting married?

Slow down.

Some of us are still too immature and unsure of ourselves. If all of you get married without me then who am I going to hang out with?!?

I really wish things were much less complicated and so less exacerbatingly exhausting.

In so many ways I have demonstrated my failure at obedience and love. God, I'm so sick of this. I feel so nauseated and I want to throw up and taint these stupid trophies I have valued more than your love.

I want to throw myself away and learn to love you.

What happened to that child who fell in love with you?

I'm so sick of this person I play as and pretend to be. I hate his stupid smile and his broken body. I hate how he lusts for power, control, dominace through manipulation and to be loved and wanted by everyone. I hate how he desires to see others suffer so he can look better, I hate his idiotic grin and his playing at being something special.

How can I repulse myself so much?

Another morning another time for me to feel like my insides are on fire.

Did I at some point say something really, really, really stupid and this is your way to get my attention?

I don't know how long I can go on with increasing pain...I know I'm not the only person in this world...but still.

Please help me here, please.

Boy I really should stop caring so much.
It would make my head hurt a whole lot less.
And stop getting me in so many freaking awkward situations.

What do you think Jesus?

A little help please?

Flowing Ebb of Time

Time is running at a standstill.

Ebbing, pooling and stealing.

It is like I can feel the pulsating life
echoing around me
in this room
as if it were a cavern
or a chamber.

There is this feeling of disconcertion,
maybe something you know as being
something like disconcerting,
anxiety and the anxious one.

Reverberating screams echo in my head
just inside of here.
Within reach and out of sight,
a contradiction, correct?
The inside being out
and the outsides consisting of you.
It is not like this enigma wrote itself
or thought itself into existence.
It was born at your request,
small words I doubt you can recall.

The beauty is you can gaze at this structure,
this attempt at meaning and find nothing.
Not even a realization that you bore this
all to fruition.
Words, sighs and angry screams.
Every last expression trapped
in an attempt at art.
Frustration builds at the moment
and realization of the surrounding cages.

Every bond and every relationship
a potential lie and the cage
of one paranoid and deluded in self.
It isn't just a simple note or riff,
it is more.
More than you can process or know right now.
If you looked close and saw it,
your hair would turn white
and you would die locked in an expression
betraying your absolute horror
at this creation,
this being made as me.

Is it hate?
The betrayal of self?
Or something simple,
like ignorance?
Dates, meaningless numbers
pile into the stream of life.
Days flow into one another
much like the water
spilled from heaven
onto your perfect white dress
and your trifled filled wedding day.

You aren't alone in this,
the one living in ignorance.
To point the finger blindly is one thing
but to realize how annoyingly true
I am is another point all together.
It isn't a choice I made either
because if I choose
it makes me responsible.
Not like you,
free to run into your life.
Free to run away,
free from burden,
free from responsibility
freed like your broken sexuality.
Like I said a free time
to point my fingers
and pretend I'm something else,
something special
and someone not choking to death
on my own stale hypocrisy.

Something that angers me beyond thought,
beyond reason
and beyond truth and convention
is the fact I have myself to blame.
I have this nihilistic tendency
to embrace truth and corrupt it,
wear as a badge and devour it,
just to be left with nothing.

Nothing that is something.
A mad leap from thought to thought
state of being to the next,
a redundant trip down this rabbit hole
a racing screaming train leaving the tracks
and breaking into reality.

It runs like this.
This steady heart beat of thought.
Empty at first.
But quickly races across the stage.
Figures and symbols cloud the page
as soon as the fingers press down
to acknowledge their existence.
It is a half life
that is a full lie.

Nothing could be further from any truth
that you lay claim to.

We are both tired and we weep.
Weep for joy, for fear and freedom.
We weep because we are afraid to live
and take this very next breath
for fear of our heart beat
and the fact the next pulse
could be the very last.

Time.
Constructed and flowing.
I do not know why I let this happen.
Let myself be pulled
instead of standing firm and pulling back.

It is almost sort of funny.
In a sickeningly real sort of way.

Something real but not.

Sort of poetic in a strange way.

Time consuming and flowing,
trapping you and me.
Uniting in ways
we fear to hate.
But true,
in ever sense of way.

Hearing the guitar playing of someone who just found out they may be dying, soon that is, is quite disturbing.

Right now I am not sure if I should say hey...so...um...'Hey?'

Goodbye and Good bye September...and hello October.
With your icy cold fingers and breath of death.
Hello and welcome through our door.
Seasons change and demons lay
and times just marches on.

Hmm...a post.

Trying to edit this stupid book while feeling this bad was such a bad, bad, bad idea.

Oie, I wish I could just dive out the freaking window.

Is there something in the water in this house? Why does my family keep thinking I'm faking being sick? Does the fact the doctor keeps removing gallstones from my body not in the least influence any of them in that there is the SLIGHTEST, possible thing wrong with me?

I just should have tried optimism! Sunshine and puppies can fix my ailments!

My God! How much more of this? How much more of YOU making me deal with them? Seriously, are humans allowed to be this stupid and annoying? Did I really die and get sent into a little personal version of Hell? I feel like I'm going even crazier...like no one believes I am in pain, even though the procedure was done yesterday and more of the stupid stones came out and bile flooded my insides, HOORZAY! I must be imagining myself sick and so the doctor sees my imagination!

God, just why? Why? I have never felt so alone or crazy or stupid for even having survived this long.

Couple of Thoughts

The last breaths of September are here, after a few more hours this month will fade away with the calender, with it the last thoughts of summer as fall will surely turn into winter.

It is a process, a circle, a state of being that is always becoming, a never ending cycle that will no cease for any human.

Despite any reluctant acceptance on our part we can do nothing but bend to the realities of our perceived creation, known as time. We use it to measure every waking moment, every bated breath, every rhythmical beat of the heart and all the like. It is as beautiful as it is horrifying, amazing in its grand creativity and dull in its monotonous repetition.

It might be hyperbole of a scale caused by the drugs from yesterdays procedure but then again to embrace something as superfluously as time itself is to acknowledge our own potent egos, the fallacies of our own breath, the contradictions we openly embrace for our own sanity's sake...words cannot accurately define it because it is something that metaphors and symbols can only vaguely represent, at best. It is as fleeting as life itself is, something experienced only be doing and not perceiving.

It is life itself, the grand sum of our entireties, the uncomfortable feeling of no longer being connected to the ground but that we are floating. The realization that we are the generational byproduct of either an odd but generous God or the mistake of random evolutionary chance.

It would be so much easier if were not gifted and cursed with the processes of higher thoughts. Any human worth their genetic material cannot simply abide while there is a question. Our greatest strength is always our greatest weakness, the fact we are not satisfied with letting questions be when we can experince it ourself and know first hand what we perceive to be concrete answers.

Annoying as it is to always have this splinter in the back of my mind it is also something I could never honestly live without.

As annoying as it is to deal with the many systems inherent with life, it is a must and the consequence of life. Outside of our own personal control and it is what it is and no more and no less.

Frustrating as it is, life cannot help being what it is. It makes less sense the more you try to rationalize but some things cannot be helped.

It is here that I find myself, this being of sickness, of partaking in my own existence and feeling in ways that make little sense to me and only confuse most others. There are less than a handful of people I might begin to try and explain this to because the rest would just look at me as some sort of oddity, some sort of person who is only in need of more difficult work, stronger drugs or whatever they deem necessary to silence my question in order for them to be content.

That sounds a bit needlessly messianic and for that I apologize. I will never claim to be able to save myself so even giving the smallest inkling that I might be able to save others would be a crime.

Like any other honest human I am bound by my senses and perceptions. Things are what I feel them to be and that in itself is frustrating, liberating and ultimately flawed. Nothing a human feels and become aware of can ever be understood outside of their mind, regardless of how well an optic never perceives and how well a hand writes.

That must be one reason why life is considered to be so precious, it cannot be emulated or represented. When one is lost it is forever so. It is more then just loosing an item, it is loosing a representation of life, more than a collection of chemical and biological reactions, it is much more. Once again, more than what we can understand, it simply is.

I wish I could make everyone understand this better but I can't. It is frustrating and makes me sad.

I feel like a confusion, something only halfway correct. My body is in pain and my mind feels the nerve cells and chemical reactions going on. At any given moment there are various explosions of desire, pain and confusion. I do not understand and do not like it but as long as I inhabit this shell I have to accept it.

I'm burned out on trying to be who I am for other people when I would just like to be myself.

I wish I had better words to express all of this, the life and death inside and around me, the pain and the desires. I'm sick of it all, not being able to better give or remember.

I am tired of being at the demands of myself or pretending I am not just to make others feel better about themselves. I never actually asked to be at the mercy of invisible strings pulling my body in any given direction at once.

I just want to be me. Whoever he is.

I have so little and yet so much time at the same time.

I don't care right this second, my head hurts to bad.

Bloody Notes

I think one of the main reasons I am so frustrated with so many Christians apathy, selfishness, moral failings and in general their existence is because of how much of myself I see in them, the trappings of humanity I mean.

It is not easy to fail to live up to expectations, especially when those expectations are yours and you typically are an irrational beast focused on himself.

I wish I could be like the others, uncaring and blind in their intoxicating drugs and hedonism.

I may be in miserable pain both with my spirit and body but I know.

I know.

I have seen things no other human has nor would they believe. I have lived a short but explosive life, going places I never intended to either.

It honestly feels like I am at the very end of something. It could be my life in Jemison, my barely functioning trust in Him above or it might be the end of my trappings here on earth.

I wish I could just drink myself into a stupor, just let go and have hedonistic sex with as many women as I could, I wish I could take every possible drug to dull the ache inside my chest that travels through my stomach and to the very reaches of my soul.

My life would be so much easier from a philopshy point of view, a greater number of superficial people would like me more and want me around.

None of it would matter in the long run, it would all be equably pointless as a think and as a treat most people as being.

I seem as being lepers who might possible infect me if I bother to foster any sort of relationship with them. I see them as meaningless scum, the dried out refuse of a world that sees them as being. Worthless, pretentious, lying and theiving bastards, ever last one of them.

As if it was some sort of sick joke I hold myself up as being better than all of them. It is as if I can lie to myself long enough and even I might be tempted to believe it. But, I can't even full the most gullible person, myself.

So much hate. So much extreme emotion and desire I do not understand. I have all of these impulses of seething rage, desperate lust for superficial intimacy, all of these stupid chemical reactions in my head that make less sense than they might have before.

Who am I?
Who are you?
Why, why any of this?

You are the only one that makes sense,
can we just go away,
both You and I?
Run free across these dying wastelands
and find ourselves alone.
Deeply running connections that none understand
but you and I.

This unbreakable heart longs to be held,
understood and shattered.
The desire to be bent and broken is strong,
the desire to die that I might live again.
No matter how much I desire You in love
I hate you back with equal spite.

These contradictions en mass,
Resulting in delayed connections.
I can play this game but I will loose.
I can't stand who I am
anymore than maybe you.

I need a helping hand,
to be held and brought deeper and closer,
this isn't making anymore sense than before.

I could use some disgusting waste,
some indulging lies and forgotten purpose.
Being broke and shattered across this pretty lie,
knowing the look of disgust in your eyes is justified
just because I gave in and indulged.
Your petty lies just make me sick sister,
I just hope you are hurting like me.
The burning desires in my heart manage to touch yours
and leave unforgettable scars that you will never
live down in this life or the next.

It is just this music playing in my ears,
the deep resonating pain inside me.
I hate all I ever held dear,
nothing is worth this, nothing is worth this.
Worthless like so much fool's gold.
Worthless in your sugar coated lies
and false promises.
Worthless because you never knew how
you were such a fool.

All that is remaining after this fire is me.
You can die and be set to rest
in this gold lined coffin,
I have far to much pain left to feel and give.
Gifts too gleeful not to share.

A wicked smile behind serrated teeth,
free flowing masses of blood as I bathe in it.
Soaking up every last desire of my heart
so i can smile at you in pain,
knowing that I KNOW you know my hate.
The inescapable disgust that you are weaker
and I fail because I choose to.

The verdict is in:
I never had enough love to love you.
But why would I stop while I'm on a roll?
Learning to hate you is just too much fun.

Several Rather Awesome Albums

"Acthung Baby", "Zooropa", "Pop" - U2

"Supernatural" - dc Talk

"Five Iron Frenzy 2: Electric Boogaloo" - Five Iron Frenzy

"The Light of All Things Hoped For" - Brave Saint Saturn

"Somewhere in the Inbetween" - Streetlight Manifesto

"The Great Depression" - Blindside

"Songs in the Key of Life" - Stevie Wonder

"Discovery" - Daft Punk

"London Calling" - The Clash

"At Folsom Prison" - Johnny Cash

"Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness" - The Smashing Pumpkins

"No Sir, Nihilism is Not Practical" - Showbread

"The Triptych" - Demon Hunter

These words haunt deeply.

It isn't like I chose this path, it chose to be me.

Words intermingle on this woven path.

It is much easier to die then to live.

It is easier to die for a noble cause then it is to live for one, to see things until the end and to help shape a future for all.

Mirror Images

I'm nothing more than a child,
pretending to be a man.
There is nothing within me
but a childish mind.
Regardless of my false impact
I'm just as hollow
if not more so then these religious tracts.
I speak of being free and being Yours,
but in reality I am nothing less
then the grand total
of a vast improbability
and impossibility,
the sum culmination
standing naked before your eyes.

I can play at being something else,
but you will always see past my image
and see the traitor under the skin.
Every breath I take
and ever lie I hold
You look past and see the real me.

Despite my honest depravity
You have loved me as I am.

Images can play back off of this mirror
but you see what no one else wants to.
You feel the pain in ways
that terrify others.
Because of your love, we hate you.
We bring about your death because
we are terrified of being found worthy,
being understood,
being anything less then what we want.
If it wasn't for the fact we desired it,
we think we would have nothing.
We demand justice and a sign
when all we are doing is standing in your hands.
Broken trusts with shattered lies,
mixed with the tears burning your eyes,
we hate you for showing weakness,
for daring to love us when we first hated you.

I'm so tired inside.

It's good to know I'm alive.

I guess.

I just don't know where I am going right now or what I'm going to see or do or feel.

God, I'm just...there is frustration and such.

I love you up there but still, just.

It is frustrating.

I can't stand who you are.
If I stopped long enough to consider,
even think about the complications
that arise from your life
then I might be nicer.
But I am not.
Just a fiend,
judging
and holding myself
to be much higher,
beyond perfection
and much more than
you could be aware of.

There is so much I just miss and so much pain right now.

Words Lost In Thoughts

The words floating in this air between us lost their meaning hours ago.
I'm too tired to care enough to lie to you.
If it was still all about you I would just let you be
but my soul is tired from bleeding.

Anemic and empty it just wants to sleep.
Fall into Your arms and find rest.

Sometimes it helps for people to be honest.
Let the bad air be let out,
the honest truth happy endings are on movies.
Celluloid lullabies we whisper,
clutching to whatever idols we built.
It's not a sin to be optimistic
but false hope is a worse despair when it is ripped
and torn from your bleeding hands.

Being slave to the addiction of life,
the fragrance of sin
and the biting taste of its liquor.
This drug setting my veins on fire,
burning inside my soul as I beg to scream
through this bound lips.

Trite as this all may sound it is my life,
not yours and nothing I asked for.
Something more then what the dead have.
It's all I got and it shouldn't be wasted.

Radiohead - Creep