I'm so tired of vivid nightmares.

Rie Fu - Life Is Like A Boat

Nothing works to shut voices inside me up.

I'm tired of being so human that it hurts and I am full of physical, mental, spiritual and emotional pain.

I wish I wasn't so confused about who I am, who others are, so awkward about sexuality, so awkward about just being myself...and being around people and even knowing them.

I get so frustrated I want to scream.

I'm okay really...but it is so hard to just be ME. To exist as I am for my own sake, even with knowing a deeper love...I just long to be accepted and wanted for who I am.

I have performed my good deeds for the next few decades so I think today will be a day off from my normal moaning and groaning. I'm going to go lay down after having a rather painful MRI and I am going to play Fallout 2 on my laptop.

I am going to enjoy the intricate plot and corny pop culture references. I am going to scratch behind the ears of a crying neurotic cat and hopefully when my best friend comes over we are going to play Halo and blast aliens apart until our collective fingers bleed.

Goodbye stress and hello virtual ultraviolence.

I'm so tired but I already need to leave.

I have to dress and get another IV started to have another test that most likely won't reveal much.

Also, my cat keeps trying to talk. Freaky stuff really.

Here goes something about nothing.

Boy I wish I could sleep some more.

Violent eye twitch.

If things continue the way they seem to be, I will personally be the one making sure the nuclear apoalypse is triggered by next Thursday.

Blaaargh.

Die drama die.

Can't stand such.

Need sleep.

Need break.

Blargh.

Bleh.

Meh.

Restructured

These walls,
hold their secrets.
These walls,
hold their breath as so they may hear.

Anemic, they are brittle.
This hollow shell acting as my guard.
I can't see beyond my own blindness,
these tattered and broken walls.

Yellowing paper and chipped paint
hug the floor cheerfully.
Aged like cheap wine.

It is...that kind of being alone...

I'm really not sure how much more of this I can take...I'm already feeling so stretched...now this...oie...I know it sounds unnecessarily dramatic...but my problem is that I just...I just need some kind of release...some kind of freedom from myself.

God I just HATE desires inside of me...nothing I can do...just torture basically, a fine welcome back to reality and reminder that things don't like to go right...

Morning Day Dreams

I'm quite tired, physically and mentally.

I avoided certain drugs and...well I guess it isn't much of a surprise that I was not able to sleep.

Hmm...sensing a pattern here perhaps?

I'm confused.

The heart, mind and soul all seem to pull in their own respective directions.

I supposed my heart would be a base desire.
My mind is my intellect I have gathered through knowledge and experience.
My soul is the eternal essence that gives eternal purpose to the flesh body.

I'm guessing maybe that deep down they may not like each other very much...partly because they insist on being in such constant conflict...plus the other aspects of my being, being screwed up even more.

Example:

Loneliness.

I have been ill, a lot, lately and because of that my physical contact with humans has diminished greatly. It was hard enough before hand but the more I am alone the more I feel that I have every right to be by myself and to simply ignore others.

God knows how much of a prick I am to my family, simply for them committing the unforgivable sin of 'checking up on me'. It has gotten to the point where there isn't much conversation that I am involved in...but I think I even got my mom to just stop making basic inquires into my life...simply because of me being so short with her...I hate how much of a jerk I can be without even thinking about it.

In my defense, I just do not see how they could not notice the physical and mental anguish I am in, almost constantly at that. I mean, I can pick up small signs from people I do not even know...and considering there is at least a fragment of gene pool shared here...is there just no perception or no desire to perceive?

I just lack so many of the similar thoughts and ideas of others...how is this for a life plan...

Sleep.
Emotional stability.
Being healthy and sick free.
Sounds dreamy.

More then ever I think the person I loathe and fear the most is myself.

If I ever stopped hating and degrading myself enough to realize how beautiful of a creation I am...I might actually stop with the abuse, the rampant digestion of impulse...I might actually begin to realize I am not the God I make myself.

It is so pitifully ironic.

By hating myself and placing myself as being such an absolute worthless amount of scum,I am in fact setting myself up as the king of my world, the prince of my ego and the sole being of any importance in this world.

I am me and me is I, if that makes sense but at the end of the day I am an odd mixture of temporal organic matter and eternal ethereal soul. Nothing and everything about my actions will last and ring out through eternity and across this wasteland we commonly, yet incorrectly, think of as our home.

Nothing is more eternal then the prejudices we set up against ourselves and those around us, they exist eternally because of how invisible the thoughts and habits become. These habitual thoughts of disdain flow under the radar and consume the self until the personal ego becomes first and foremost, in and of itself in a sort of totality way.

I'm so sick of drugs and medications...nothing is working right and I am just left feeling like I am floating...like I am here but not here at the same time. I hate this disorienting feeling...that nothing I do matters and that I am going to keep falling...keep tumbling down this hole with no hope.

This wicked outpouring is laced with hate.
Every last lie spun is a truth undone.
The light twisted into dark,
the metaphor of lie.

Outspoken Stains

The less I have seen the more I want.
The more I desire the more I need.
Is there no way any of this ends?
How many circles can be drawn in and of themselves?
I'm so sick of this seclusion,
this poor body that cannot do anything outside of lust.
I'm sick of this meandering corpse,
useful for nothing but sin.
I'm exhausted from trying.
I no longer care.
I do not give a damn if I die here tonight.
All I have ever needed is You and now I have nothing.
Every screaming whisper,
every broken gasp of air,
is it supposed to be for You
but I doubt you can find anything in nothing.
My love I am breaking further then I have ever broke.
The lies burn in my soul like fire.
My bones ache from the desires I have spurned on.
Every last breath, every scream.
Every trite attempt at life brings nothing,
nothing but me further from absolute truth.
I tired of this game.
I need sanity.
I need hope.
I need Your love in this wasteland of the soul.
I refuse to pretend I am alright when nothing is.
The writing is on the wall,
it's in blood.
The end is nigh
and the air is alive with my demise.
But I will hope in the eternal.
I will not die just yet.
Every last second of this life will be an explosion.
Rage, seething and boiling over in hate for this waste of life.
The culmination of a life brewed in hate.
Stewing and waiting to be unleashed,
my moment is at hand.

I really can't stand much more of this...I'm so sick of it, I am so tired of it.

I hate it, so fucking much.

Crooked Heart

The willing Stagnation of my own heart grieves me.
Much too soon I abandon hope.
Much too often I have given you nothing.
Spitting on blood given for free.

I'm addicted to myself,
a junkie shivering in the cold.
My next hit whatever my eyes see,
whatever my lust desires.

These damnable creatures mock me.
Leering eyes and rotten teeth,
their presence a stench from Hell.
Try as I might, nothing frees me.
I hear mocking cries,
"Save yourself"
Damnable, yet irresistible lies.
Accurate forgeries.
The only one forcing me to drink from this dirt
is myself.
The caretaker of my own lust fueled madness is I.
The captain of this ship.
The breaker of oaths.
The creator of this misery is myself and I alone.

My whore, this ever cheaper soul,
offered yet still to these fleeting fads.
Passing glitter and stardust that offer nothing.
It's enough to drive one mad.
Politicking and practicing false innuendos,
selling fools good they have no intention of buying.

This has all been about me.

Alright...we need to get some things done...

Hmmm...

...sad as this is, it is time to make a list!

-make bed (x)
-shower (x)
-laundry (x)
-food
-Bible
-call the doc(x)
-finish newest article ever
-call James
-give attention to the cat

Silence you stupid nostalgia, we have more important things to attend to...

On Church

So...I was born in and have lived in the South East U.S. my entire life, to be more specific Alabama, the belt of the metaphorical Bible Belt. Supposedly the only thing that is more sacred then Jesus down here is football and believe me does it ever show.

I grew up in the church and at an early age felt the Father calling me to serve in ministry somewhere and somehow...and so I did, just jumping at every possibility along the way. Somehow I was a fourteen year old kid leading Bible studies and helping lead a youth group...quite surreal looking back but flash forward about three years and you will find one of the more defining moments of my life.

By this time my closest group of friends are involved in church. We have a band that plays for church services and even Wednesday mornings at our public school. We play two times, sometimes three times a week and I'm able to preach about twice a week, sometimes more.

It was incredibly exciting and absolutely terrifying at the same time to see people respond. Some people would come to the Wednesday meetings just once or maybe stop by for a minute but you could just look in their eyes and see something connect with what you are playing, speaking about or praying about...it's not like people were falling over themselves in the aisle but something was going on...people were responding to the message.

Eventually the people stopped coming to the meeting in the auditorium and so we went to the people. We took acoustic guitars and a very modified version of street preaching. That was even more bizarre because we had about fifteen minutes most weeks but still people would stop and listen to our little Jesus freak show.

Looking back I'm not sure if we did more positive or negative but the focus of the message week after week was 'Jesus love you and you don't have to be perfect or religious. He just love you for yourself."...so i am praying and hoping we did more positive. Sometimes I think the church would do better to just shut up and give hugs...we don't wouldn't even have to wear tacky t-shirts either, just give our non conditional hugs...it's just a thought you know.

Eventually graduation came and exhilaration was as high as ever. College was coming in the fall but much had to be done, and by that I mean the summer mission trip. What I felt going into this trip was that to be my last youth group mission trip, and really it would come to be the catalyst that launched me into the next stage of my life and others... well in some cases completely destroying some peoples faith in God and still affirmed some people's faith in their little 'god(s)'.

I could spend hours on this one subject but I'll try to be as brief as possible. A good friend of ours essentially tried to confront a higher up in the church about what our friend perceived as sin and that backlashed into a huge firing and the killing of our youth group and band. The Tuesday after the mission trip I still remember calling all of the guys in the band and we were all confused and had not idea what the heck was going on.

The next day (Wednesday night) I gave the resignation letter of my friend to the youth group and resigned my position trying to encourage the youth to go somewhere else. It's funny because even though it's only been five years it feels like it has been a life time. I'll bump into some of the youth from time to time when I am in town...and it honestly it breaks my heart to see how some of them are doing. They haven't been able to find a place they can call home because of fears, doubt and the general mess of things.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that seeing the corruption in the church essentially killed this naivety I had about American Christendom. I use to think that stuff like CCM, Christian Book Stores, tacky concerts, street preaching, campaigning and the like were how the world was going to be changed...that Jesus was going to be so awesome and reach down and use these great ideas of ours to do this wonderful miracles but...it's so far from the truth that it is almost sad.

All these activities and programs are nothing more then hot air, static buzzing in the ear of God.


"GOD's Message: "Heaven's my throne, earth is my footstool. What sort of house could you build for me? What holiday spot reserve for me? I made all this! I own all this!" GOD's Decree. "But there is something I'm looking for: a person simple and plain, reverently responsive to what I say.

"Your acts of worship are acts of sin: Your sacrificial slaughter of the ox is no different from murdering the neighbor; Your offerings for worship, no different from dumping pig's blood on the altar; Your presentation of memorial gifts, no different from honoring a no-god idol. You choose self-serving worship, you delight in self-centered worship--disgusting! Well, I choose to expose your nonsense and let you realize your worst fears, Because when I invited you, you ignored me; when I spoke to you, you brushed me off. You did the very things I exposed as evil, you chose what I hate." "

-Isaiah 66:1-4


I think it's funny in a very sad way how the modern Church so perfectly parallels the nation of Israel from the Old Testament times. As a whole the American church is just as fat, just as spoiled, just as immature and just as apathetic. We get so caught up in how shiny and pretty our religion is and we forget the most important part...that there is a whole world we were meant to change...not by our stupid little Jesus pep rallies but by doing what Jesus did and getting in the mud and gutters of this world giving out love freely and pulling people out of the Hell they are living in...or something like that. It is not like this is some kind of exact science...that is where another one of my problems come in.

We go on and on about how we're the 'elect' and 'chosen ones' but forget that we are here for a reason. Israel was set up by God with the intention of being a light for the world...but instead they became drunk off their own religious awe and God destroyed their temple and nation over that.

Digressing...

Eventually I went to college, this story in and of itself could be another hundred pages but I'll try to be brief: "I was depressed and it sucked."

Christian education can bleed the gospel of life faster then anything else. This is coming from the guy who has a bachelor degree in Jesus and learned more from simply reading the Bible all the way through in high school, then in the majority of my theology classes, seriously. The most helpful college classes I had were my philosophy classes taught by the professor thrown out of the religion department for being to 'liberal'. At least in those I was taught to think critically and how to do a bit more then 'baaaah' like a good little sheep.

Christian education has good intentions but far to often gets caught up in PETTY and USELESS arguments that don't matter either in the short or long term. "Oh nos! Doctrinal purity! Orthodoxy or death! Systematic theology or the LIBERALS might kill us!"

Once again...those ideas are not bad by themselves but when they take precedence over 'knowing God and making God known', then something is amiss and believe me it is. Christians are not here to wage a culture war or bring heaven to earth. The basic gist if for us to learn how to love God and learn how to love each other through extreme trial and error. Bloody noses, fist fights, arguments and through the possible use of swear words (depending how you feel about those kind of things of course).

It's not pretty but it's authentic and real and my God the thought of actually being able to argue and treat other Christians as ACTUAL brothers and sisters makes me want to cry...actually fighting among one another but then learning how to live with one another...that's another way of looking at the gospel.


"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."
-Jesus, Matthew 5:48


Let's see...covered being called to ministry, shameless self promotion for bands (Woo! Go Forged in the Fire and Forgotten Purpose, buy all of our non-existent albums!), covered college, what next? Ah...the present.

So then, what now?

I have no freaking clue.

Apparently I found out yesterday I'm starting back classes next week, if the school will be kind enough to accept the money.

I'm still dealing with not liking church or Christians. It's hard to be a minister and hate the church, true story I assure you.

To a certain degree I'm trying but not really trying. I'm applying broadly for certain churches to see if they will hire me and I've been trying to kick a struggling Bible study I've been hosting in the pants...but ultimately these things will not change the world.

To quote non other then the Protestant Pope, Bono himself:

"This morning I fell out of bed
when I woke up to what he had said.
Everything's crazy but I'm too lazy to lie.

And what am I to do
Just tell me what am I suppose to say
I can't change the world
But I can change the world in me

I Rejoice"

-U2, "Rejoice"

Crazy notion but I think it will work (the antidepressants help as well). I can't change the world, I'm far too weak willed to even change myself. What I can do however is determine to seek the Father while he can be found, to do the whole humbling myself so that He can be exalted in me thing. I hate how trite that sounds but it's the truth, believe me if there was a more obscure and confusing way to put it I would have.

Sometimes things are much more simple then we would care to admit, sometimes they are frighteningly simple.

Sometimes we just have to finally break down and let ourselves be loved.


"I'm no longer calling you servants because servants don't understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I've named you friends because I've let you in on everything I've heard from the Father. "You didn't choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won't spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you.

"But remember the root command: Love one another. "

-Jesus, John 15-17

I'm so, so tired of the pain. It is killing me inside.

Help, maybe?

Need to do a 'On Church, Part Two: An Open Apology to Scott Staph and Christians in General'

You have to love the feeling of internal combustion...kinda like my insides were on fire.

Boo-freaking-yeah!


...>_>

U2 - Van Diemen's Land