For Now and For Today

Sometimes I do not know the monster I can be.
I look but do not see.
I listen but do not hear.
So many flaws represented in a single breath.
Thy words do sting but easily flow,
unwind and bathe in pools of sincere regret.
But, it is to late because of sin.
Too late now and to late to see.
Good bye and goodnight.
For now and for today.
Goodnight,
Goodbye.

Day 2

"Serve the Lord with reverent fear, and rejoice with trembling."
-Psalm 2:11

Reverence and rejoicing and somewhere in between is supposed to be joy.

I'm afraid of trite words falling out of my mouth before I can get a hold of them but what I need is you. I do not need this fear of looking stupid, this prejudice against Christians, this self righteous foolishness and this pig headed belief that I am somehow better then my brethren and better then you.

Please forgive me for not having enough respect to fear you and your name. Your are a close and personal lover but one with an unrestrained passion and wild untamable strength.

Please remind me of how personal, how close you are but how awesome and amazing you are in our personal love and our walk together. Please forgive me for taking you for granted and betraying you with my life.

I love you, I need you more then I realize.
Thank you.

Day 1

"Oh,the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or stand around with sinners, or join in with mockers."
-Psalm 1:1

Joy seems to be so fleeting, I know it is supposed to be this lasting uplifting thing but at the end of the day the world seems more darker then lighter.

My body, my flesh, my being demands and desires so much that is screwed up...it's just like my spirit is screaming for help while in this body. It screams for help because of fears of being tainted by this condition but that is all wrong.

You made both body and spirit and both are good. All the evil can be summed up in overindulgence and abusing your body because of addiction.

I would like to find genuine joy and peace in and with you. I would love to be wrapped in your arms and held tightly, reminded that I am okay the way I am, that you do not hate me for who I am, that you love me, honestly love me more then I can understand.

What is this, this truth we claim to hold?
What is this, this emancipation we fight to hide?

I don't know why you love an idiot like me but don't let my ignorance get in your way.

Oooooh Yes! Half Blood Prince!

Dissimulated Assimilation

Sometimes I cannot sincerely believes the lies you explicate.
The only one I can hate for this is me.
The little piece of peace of mind you promised was The Fake,
that I should have seen emblazoned as your banner.
You are the reason my tongue is tied into riddles.
My mirror image is the venom that drips from your lips
and the fables tightly clutched inside my bleeding heart.

I see in visions of red crossed with an indigo tinted spectrum of hate.
Everything I ever wanted to hate can be found inside your mind.
This useless word, the lame legs, the broken arm and the trite mind.

I use to beg for nothing to envelop me
to hide me carefully from your sight.
Closed under lock and key, tightly away from being.
Nothing in being closer to you is believing then being closer to you.

Instead I open myself up for this abuse.
I cast down the defense and invite you to meet.
To feast on the remainder of my heart and let you fester in it with hate.
The safety net of my pretending soul is all I need to be.

I can wish and pray equally much but know what you hate.
I know the broken path you stalk down and those you feed off of.
I pushed many lost victims into your open jaws,
just so we could laugh at their frightened facade.
Fallen and putrid beast in the false image of light.
I knew your secret one and all from when we first met.
The day you took my hand and whispered your first lies.
The only person I deceived was me.

Burning in your self adoration I have to say I want to love you.
Just like you whisper lies to the beast and his whore,
I want to crucify myself just to feel the bleed.
So you will give me more of this ill got gain.
I'm addicted to the sacrifice of self and your pretend plaything called love.

Where would I be without you?
A trite meaning with purpose and love is what.
I tried to sacrifice it all so I could have nothing I ever wanted,
just to be caught up in this hyper inflated lie I love to hold.

I'm guessing there are just days when you feel like you have been swallowed up by the world, chewed on and spat up. I'm guessing having invasive exploratory tests to determine what is wrong with me isn't helping.

Epic Rick Roll

━━━━━━━━━ ┏┓
┏┫　┏┓　┏┓　┣┓　　　　┃┃
┗┫　　　┃　　　┣┛　┏━━┻┃
　┃　┗━━━┛　┃　　┣━━　┃
　┗━━━┳━━━┛　　┣━━　┃
　┏━━▇▇▇━━━━━┻━━━┛

Epic Rick Roll!

Thank you James. ^_^

I sometimes wish that I could change the world through art...the written word, the spoken word and music. Other times I just have to look reality in the face and realize that chances are against it...but the hope burns inside for some reason only God knows.

Ye gats, now what?

*sigh* Indeed, such is life and how it shall ever be.

Here goes something.

God I really do not want to do this.

Screams of the Undead

Every single time i feel the burn i try to throw it away.
A fast fix for the brokenness of everyday.
Its like the pain is building up, it's swelling up,
I've got to choke it down and break it down until it's broke down.
it's like a shard of glass, it's like a broken piece.
Of everything i hate, it's everything in me,
A burnt heart stains black the blood it flows.
A dead soul will overshadow.
Push it out. It's everything you never were,
Push it out. I want to see it shatter.
And Everyday i see my life rewind tearing through dreams i find im wide awake.
And even when it's wrong i start to learn, and then i do it again.
I reach out to grasp and get a broken hand,
And everyone is going to turn their backs.
I want to take them down,
and strike them down and leave them struck down.
Its like I'm made to fail with everything i gain.
Just an infected piece in a defective game.
My two hands give birth to nothing right.
A black past is an effective foresight.
Push it out, it's everything you never were.
Push it out, i want to see it shatter.
And Everyday i see my life rewind tearing through dreams i find I'm wide awake.
And everything is building up, a pale heart is an empty cup,
if nothing ever changes, I'm breaking down, giving up.
Burn it out, let it go, break it all, lose control,
force it out, bring it through, pass it down, make it new.
Kill the pain, scrape it off, leave it here, make it stop.
Tear it down, bleed it out, all the hate, see it straight.
No one ever told me that it would all stay the same.
Everyday i fall on shards of my hatred and shame.

-Demon Hunter, "Screams of the Undead"

Some of the poetry written by my sixteen year old self would make most of current CCM like good by comparison.

Must burn it...now... >_>

Streetlight Manifesto - Down, Down, Down To Mephisto's Cafe

Related Movie Quote

In the movie Collateral Tom Cruise plays a hit man by the name of Vincent and Jamie Foxx plays the role of a cab driver named Max that unwillingly drives the hit man around. The cab driver doesn't discover the real reason for driving around Vincent until after his first victim plummets out of a building and lands on the cab. The following conversation happens after they leave the building.


Vincent: Max, six billion people on the planet, you're getting bent out of shape cause of one fat guy.
Max: Well, who was he?
Vincent: What do you care? Have you ever heard of Rwanda?
Max: Yes, I know Rwanda.
Vincent: Well, tens of thousands killed before sundown. Nobody's killed people that fast since Nagasaki and Hiroshima. Did you bat an eye, Max?
Max: What?
Vincent: Did you join Amnesty International, Oxfam, Save the Whales, Greenpeace, or something? No. I off one fat Angelino and you throw a hissy fit.
Max: Man, I don't know any Rwandans.
Vincent: You don't know the guy in the trunk, either.

Fears of Pretending

So, there was a time when I thought people who were irrationally afraid of being seen at counterfeits, exposed as counterfeits and in general terrified of the combination of the word 'counter' and the suffix 'fiet' had issues.

I realize that I have been doing this for years without realizing it.

What seems to be one of the base human needs is a desire to be wanted.

At what point does this become to much, overblown, increasingly erratic and unhealthy?

What point exists to where it is unhealthy to depend on other human beings?

Certainly we are all prone to this at different levels. No two human beings have the exact same desires and needs and yet, most have at least the basic desires to be desired and wanted around.

But what about this point to where narcissism rears its ugly head? Or what about when it feels like the reason I do anything is to garner attention and find ways to support myself? Would I be anything if I didn't have other humans to leach off of?

How the heck are we supposed to have some kind of real community and fellowship when it feels like the only reason I want anyone else around is to use them and presumably it is likewise?

Okay, I admit this is almost as pointless as the whole argument of "Does anyone turn to God for right reasons?"

Is there selfless reasons to desire God? Is there selfless reasons to desire love, hope, peace, caring, kindness and the rest?

Maybe, maybe not.


All I have is my personal perspective and a struggling faith. I see things as they are and they way they could be, should be. That by itself is maddening. I am presumptuous enough to say I believe I am right yet I am not crazy enough to strap explosives to myself to prove a point.

I need some kind of moving, some kind of being flung in a direction. I feel like I have been stationary for to long. I feel like I should not be here, that being here is unnatural, wrong, maybe even sinful.

I have trouble putting these things into words but I feel like I should be 'out there', wherever and whatever that exactly means and such and the like.


...which I suppose in one way my crazed fixation for music and playing in a band. It covers all the bases of "being out there", "going places", "carrying a message"...but uh, the only hiccup boss is the whole rest of the group not being on the same page. Ergo, the problem was me and not them.

I'm guessing God doesn't normally tell a group of people to go when he can just use a single person? Maybe? Once again I'm being presumptuous, I am assuming and we are getting into some dangerously awkward territory.

Talking about certainty, about fate, about the love of God...now this is some real dangerous territory.

Do you know why?

It means I am exposing myself as a counterfeit, something I am terrified of. It means walking a thin line between being myself and creating a pantomime that people want to see.

Let's be honest with ourselves, who actually is 'hungry and thirsty' for the love of God? I can speak for no one but myself but I sure as heck am not. If I had my way I would dig a dark hole to hide in for the rest of my life and be a Gollum. The only reason I haven't is because I'm constantly in a tug of war fight with God over myself.

I want peace, I want wholeness and I want to be honest and open...but at the same time I abhor it all. I hate the light, I want to spit on the face of Christ almost as equally as I want to hug him and say thanks for the whole Golgotha thing.

I do not know how normal that is but the last thing I want from any other human being is consolation or reaffirmation that it will be okay because at the end of the day it will not be okay.



It will not be okay because of their being two logical outcomes to what I believe.

1.I am wrong and I am a crazy person who has invisible friends called God, Jesus, Holy Spirit and Lucifer. I should be put in a place with low lit lights and be given a nice warm white jacket and an IV full of happy drugs for all the good I am doing the world.

The selfish and cowardly part of me BEGS for that to be the truth. That this is all nothing more then the mad ramblings of someone with way to much time on his hands and all that is needed to fix him is a warm glass of milk full of drugs.

It would be easy and painless. I would be the god I have so desperately worshiped all these years and no one could do a damn thing to change it.


2.I'm right and a lot of people are going to Hell. Furthermore, I along with a lot of the other people who believe this really do not care. Of course we're willing to throw a few dollars at whatever spokesperson is supporting the poor and hungry this week but really how much does it bother us?

It bothers me a lot.

I use excuses where I can but ultimately I have nothing to hide behind. Bad health or not, extreme pain or not. Excuses, meaningless in their poor attempts to shroud my selfishness, my hate, my prejudices, my broken desires, my depressed nature...I could go on but I think you get the point.

Point being, I believe fervently in Jesus but at the same time I fell a mounting mass of contradictions in my life, my beliefs and in general the way the world operates. I hate stating things in a completely obvious manner, must be the poet in me, but there are only so many ways you can sincerely state something.

I want to do something positive to help myself and others but I'm almost terrified to because it feels like I am in a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' position. Regardless of what I do it won't be enough, it'll hurt someone, it'll push someone further away....jeez this stuff is almost circular in its maddening qualities.

But the worse thing...well...as trite as this is a Bible verse kinda works very well here:

"And now I have a word for you who brashly announce, "Today - at the latest, tomorrow - we're off to such and such city for the year. We're going to start a business and make a lot of money." You don't know the first thing about tomorrow. You're nothing but a wisp of fog, catching a brief bit of sun before disappearing. Instead, make it a habit to say, "If the Master wills it and we're still alive, we'll do this or that."

As it is, you are full of your grandiose selves. All such vaunting self-importance is evil. In fact, if you know the right thing to do and don't do it, that, for you, is evil."

-James 4:13-17

It would be nice if a certain part of me would shut up and I mean shut up for good. Your opinions are not wanted, needed or asked for. The only advice you seem to offer would be equivalent to driving myself off a cliff.

So do the rest of us a favor and shush before I do something to shut you up.

I'm a horrible human...oh yes...

Thank you Jesus. Thank you.

Yikes.

I don't know.

Yeah.

There is a metaphorical cancer deep inside of me, begging to be freed.

Okay...so I just figured out how to whistle by exhaling.

How awesome is that?

Queen - Who Want's to Live Forever?