Bad Time For a Life Crisis

Yesterday I came to the conclusion that I need to change my life.

Yes I do realize I was supposed to let this novel writing change my life. Yes...yes...yes...your right but at the same time it's just...what is the point of putting a band-aid on someone who just took a visit to the guillotine?

A good bit of the time I am not even remotely sure as to what it is I would like to do with my life and the other half becomes convoluted if I stare at it to long. Basically I just sit here and think so much that I freak myself out and forget what it is I am even trying to do or why i am trying to do any of it.

Narcissism has never been more of a self headache causing force.

I am quite tired of that little bit, the whole 'me' obsession. Literally and figuratively speaking I am so tired of this mess. This mixed up and confused bits of me, the decaying pain that has a death grip on this world, my own broken desires that are Hell bent on killing me one way or the other; talk about having issues.


Inspiration is a tricky thing at best and when it comes down to it we all have to live. inspired or not we are all here and have to play with what ever hand fate deals to us. Not exactly the most happy thought but it is the truth. There are variables in life we cannot and we should not be able to control. However there are many more for which we can choose about what to do.

The choice to choose is a difficult one. From personal experince it is much easier to react instead of simply choosing to act. Genuine action requires genuine motivation which requires an effort that those who depressed find lacking. But even with the lack of motivation there is still a choice. As a short and green muppet once said: "Do or do not. There is no try."

Depending for the person it is much easier to fool themselves into complacency with pretending things will get better or simply fix themselves.

Art requires determination and risk of failure. Art requires we open up ourselves in ways that cause our inner most self to bleed out onto the page; a pouring of the soul into the forge of creation.



I honestly cannot even remmeber what my point was in writing this:
Um, life is not so bad?
Do a good deed daily?
What goes up must invariably fall back hitting you squarely in the face?

Perhaps a fine mixture of it all.

Things Look Slightly Hazy Over Being Highly Screwed

I am behind in a lot of things, needless to say my novel. I am cutting off as much contact as humanly possible and I am going to try and force myself to work on everything today.

Greek, paper and then my novel.

I would rather set the books on fire then look at the first two. I had no idea what to expect about seminary but the more I think about it the more I do not like it. I do not even know why I am there or why I am bothering getting a masters in an area that I just don't even really care about anymore.

Well the apathy is wide spread to most areas of my life to be honest. Music has lost its fire, food is rather bland, words no longer resonate with meaning and my heart has all but collapsed in a helpless heap that shrugs in defeat every time I poke it with a stick. It was the best of time and the worst of times, clichés are flying out so fast it may poke someones eye out.

Life with no meaning is a suicide waiting to happen. No human being can survive very long without having kind of either innate or overt purpose. Living is a struggle but a struggle that I am going to suppose is worth enduring...or even better overcoming.

Thought of the Day:

Have you ever just woke up one morning and thought "Today would be a good day to fake my own death and collect the welfare checks as my own widow?"

Just a thought you know.

No Time For Rest

I have been much busier today then I have expected. I have also encouraged 200% more migraines than I thought could happen at this point during Nanowrimo. Quite honestly I am tired and ready to be rude to nearly anyone who wishes to have any form of contact with me. Yet, tiredness is not an excuse.

Nothing ever worth having came easy. That being said, screw you social life!

To soon for me to be picking favorite parts?

"One of the many ironic aspects of life is that what we are looking for most desperately always has a way of showing up when we least expect and least desire it. That being said the end of the world is an event few people could call themselves ready for or really all that anxious to see. Therefore those most likely to know about it first are those least likely ready to be prepared to do anything about it. A curious phenomenon that has plagued mankind ever since the first prehistoric super hero was unexpectedly bested by the first prehistoric super villain. Ugh just never saw that rock coming."

Being a narrator is so fricking awesome.

For all of those who wanna be a Rhodes Scholar...

...this may help.



http://www.d-e-f-i-n-i-t-e-l-y.com/

Goooooooood morning Nanowrimo!

So I didn't sleep much (for those who have been on pins and needles worrying about the fate of your beloved writer) for whatever reason. I was asleep before or around 2AM and woke up at 7, right on the dot.

I'm currently working up the energy and focus to write. I have a glass of water, glass of Mellow Yellow (I will shoot the first person to hum that annoying song)a a banana and 2.5 mini chocolate crunch bars and I have what would be the equivalent of a shot glass size drink of my Starbucks white chocolate mocha from last night, good to the last drop.

I am rather suprised I was able to jump ahead so fast and already break a thousand words. However the annoying doubt is starting to creep in. That is why I have my text like this in my novel:

As it were our story begins on a day that was quite similar to most days but in fact it was not just another day.

See it? That is part of the genuis. That really is the first line of my novel that I have unveiled to the world. Be in awe. Fawn over it, love it, shower it with praise and me with wheelbarrows of cash...most importantly go out and preorder two dozen copies of my book that doesn't even have a name!

"Why?" A sane person might ask because it is me, says I to you silly logical people.

But first, I must do some meditating and the proper amount of self loathing so I can get into the spirit of things.

Enough is enough for now

Show me the way to go home
I'm tired and I want to go to bed
I had a little drink about an hour ago
And it's gone right to my head...

Amazing how coffee saps my strength. I have been staring into space for about an hour. Nappy time. I'm ending at 1013 words. Sleep. Good. Now.

One Hour and Eleven Minutes Later...

I broke the one thousand word mark and I am AT 1,013 words!!

Only 48, 987 words left to go and I will have beaten this contest like Jack Bauer trumps Chuck Norris on any day of the week!

-----------------------------------

So far I have introduced two characters, Nathan and Doug. There is a plot line about the end of the world and hints about Nathan liking some girl named Jill. I think there could be implications.

Back to work!

Leaving on a metaphorical jet plane...

"At midnight tonight the train departs.
Fifty thousand words.
Thirty-one days.
An unforgettable ride."

For those who have known me for any amount of time they know I love to read and I most certainly love to write. In about a half hour or so I am embarking on a harrowing mission that is absolutely insane. I will be joining approximately ninety thousandother brave souls in the journey of writing a fifty thousand word novel in the month of November.

Crazy? Yes.
Insane? Better believe it.
Bad idea? Oh brother is it.
Any looking back? Not on your life.

If my post earlier today didn't get people wondering about my current mental state it is safe to say I am throwing the baby and the bathwater out at the same time. I would go on with more metaphors but I am sure you get the point.

Friends and random people that I have no clue how you ended up on my friends list; wish me well and good luck because I will need it. As much as I love using the phrase "I will do this or die trying" I am quite serious. All or nothing. I've wanted to write for years and finally I will see what happens when I try.

Feel free to harass me and check up on me as much as needed. As progress goes I will be posting more. Until then, hasta la escribir!




P.S. For those interested the website for National Novel Writing Month is:

www.nanowrimo.org

Here We Go

More writings, hooray.

As you can no doubt guess I am simply ecstatic over having yet another website to voice my thoughts. At some point I will get to philosophical ranting but right now I am to tired and wish I had time for a nap. Yes, naps are good. Very good.

-Nin