Quote of the Day:

"Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining."
— Anne Lamott

So many thoughts for so late an hour...so many considerations and so many things.
God...why do I dig holes like this?
I feel...I feel...
The things...the thoughts...the...every...thing...

My soul is rather sad. =/

I...I'm missing...something...

So excited about the potential of Wheaton...

"Where does the misunderstanding come from,
demanding that we be outstanding and then some?
Perfection never was a requirement
although some might say we desired it.
So then for times when things get old I might get cynical
I see that I don't see.
Do they see you when they see me?

In honesty there's room for improvement
Thoughts may change, the truth be told,
A closed mind will leave you empty
Use your mind to use your soul.

Alert the press, their dogmas are a mess,
Opinions shift, a broken sift, an empty hand,
And billboards ask, 'where do they stand.'
Do all streams lead to one sea?"

Quote of the Day:

"Beware you are not a fiery, persecuting enthusiast. Do not imagine that God has called you...to destroy men’s lives, and not to save them. Never dream of forcing men into the ways of God. Think yourself, and let think. Use no constraint in matters of religion. Even those who are farthest out of the way never compel to come in by any other means than reason, truth, and love."
-John Wesley

Reckless pursuit of God.
Abandonment of all...things, others and most importantly of self.
To the point of discomfort and even destruction.
We exist in duality and only through the Divine intervention can we continue and if we do abandon everything...we will be destroyed but not before our time.

And not as needless martyrs but as ones given over to fervent love...the only thing that can change the world in a positive manner.

I need the influence of others who feels this way...that by giving over to this 'insanity' that it is the best way. I'm tired of being around halfhearted Christians...we're all going to die and this body is going to be destroyed before it is made perfect...so why even try to deny and delay the inevitable?

I need to know others like this...ideally be around them...I'm not entirely sure they exsist but I will find them as needed.

Comfort is a luxury I cannot afford.

Companionship is only a luxury, if Jesus was abandoned, forsaken and despised for following will of His Father, under what pretense and delusion do I keep that I will not be treated the same for following my convictions to their utter end?

Being perfect is a state of being impossible for a broken and fallen human being...but it is still something I strive for, I fight for...and ultimately something something I will end up dying for...such fatal thinking.

Quote of the Day:

"Our tendency in the midst of suffering is to turn on God. To get angry and bitter and shake our fist at the sky and say, "God, you don't know what it's like! You don't understand! You have no idea what I'm going through. You don't have a clue how much this hurts."

The cross is God's way of taking away all of our accusations, excuses, and arguments.

The cross is God taking on flesh and blood and saying, "Me too.""
— Rob Bell

Ack!
Can't focus on paper >_<


Oie.

It's amazing how Law and Order: SVU manages to pry and and almost remove what little faith I still have in human beings.

I feel the faintest trace of what it will be like to rest in my Lover's arms once this battle is over and all is said and done.

No more tears, no more aches, no more fear, no more anxiety...everything will be replaced with love and peace eternal.

The tears will be wiped away and the self destruction within will be removed.

Such an awesome, infinite, terrifying but wonderful...love, perfect love that baptizes and heals the soul.

So enigmatic and beyond words...it feels my praise are so insufficient that they may be curses...

I just want to see this, see this with you, see our Love together so that I will no longer be bound by bad health and this failing spirit and we can walk together throughout the ebbs and tides of eternity.

Yes.
Yes it does actually.
=)

"But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around"

Oie my heard hurts.

...I just realized it was March.

Quote of the Day:

"Moral #1:If you work hard, stay focused, and never give up, you will eventually get what you want in life.
Moral #2: Sometimes the things we want most in life are the things that will kill us. "
—Donald Miller

You know...I wish I had my toothbrush and that my throat wasn't hurting.
Other then that...I only have a few dozen other things I could complain about...so really...I am not doing so bad this morning.

I'm breathing, I'm alive...there is snow out the window.
I have...some hope.
It hasn't died yet, it keeps fighting to stay with me.
Funny little thing.

You know...being sick and getting sick constantly is really an irritation to me.
I really shouldn't be here...I should just be somewhere I can go to defuse...because I am really on edge.
No sleep and I'm in a significant amount of pain.
Why do I always get myself into these situation again and again?
Things will snowball like they almost always do.
Or they will utterly defuse and my faith will be shown as the small and worthless creature it is.

Oh life.

Still going strong with Deadlands...maybe a few more hours of gaming.

Why must there be so many things around me that are...pain and hurting...but that I can do nothing about?
I just want...to help.

Oh I am excited about getting to play Deadlands tonight with the group in person for the first time since New Years! Hooray! ^_^
No more staticy skype calls for at least two weeks!

Migraine, day two...or is it three?
I'm not sure which.
But do your worse.

Quote of the Day:

“If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.”
-C.S. Lewis

I worry so much about the imaginary...I wish letting go of everything was that easy.

The funny thing about people is that we DON'T let go of something...even if it is unhealthy...we have to be forced to let go...the type of person who willingly moves on from the unhealthy is perhaps the rarest types amongst all people.

It is only by loosing everything we hold dear...that keeps up placated and in one place...only by loosing it all can we be free to see who we really are, free to become what we are meant to be.

Things...only blind and hold back.
People it seems too.

353

I don't quite understand why my body works so hard against me...but I have...some hope here and there...

Who am I kidding?

My only hope is Christ and that this shell and soul will be redeemed...that this age will pass away soon...and the next will bring peace...will bring hope.
That is all I have.
Oh come quickly.
Let this heart not worry,
let this soul find rest
even in this world of chaos
and the pain ripping through me.
My body and soul needing rest
but not finding it...
Let there be a measure of relief,
just carry me through this night
love me Lover.

I...want to go wandering throughout this snowy wasteland.
Feeling the cold pierce my bones.
My body is broken and my soul feels...

It's amazing how much more lame I get with each passing day.

One foot forward while loosing several steps at the same time.
Life is full of silliness...to become bitter is stupid.
There are too many good things to let disappointment crush me.
A smile is fit for every occasion, garnished with tears or otherwise.

Flames Within the Shadows

I've bitten on the fruit
and feel the poison spread.
The finger I point
that spreads the venom I accuse
is just a misdirection.
Hoping I can hide who I really am
from the masses, from you
and most of all me.

I'll never be able to run far enough
to hide from You,
all I can do is embrace the lies
and hope I can hide underneath my shame.

It's true I'll fight You ever step
just so I can hold onto my pride
and bathe once again
in this Hellish flame.

Collect these tears in a basin
and catch them before they fall,
let they be a reminder
for the past, for this present
and carry me into the future
as I want to leave here forevermore.

Carry me in grace
or let me fall to Sheol,
just don't leave me here.
No longer in this purgatory.
Don't leave me here.

Lord...what am I doing?
Really?

Oh insomnia...old friend...we meet again...
I do wish you would stop stirring up my thoughts though.
Being a fatal optimist is hard enough without your intervention.

Ack.
Oh.
There is no...
Well there...maybe...

But...maybe...just that...thought...

Quote of the Day:

“It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.”
-Mark Twain

Reiteration

Acid etch this soul,
leave a mark
just as You can,
make it new
and draw out anything worthwhile
that may be left.

Make this as it can be,
make it the best
and dry every tear
of every broken heart
and take away the fear
from every crippled soul,
just be.

Help me forget me
and just burn away
this profane emotion
and make it possible,
just plausible
for there to be renewal
because I don't
I just can't
see what You see.

All I see is this wall,
coated in everything I am not
and everything lacking.
Rambling, loose words
in need of loosing.








Never.
Silence.
Pain.

But as sure as I am of pain,
hope refuses to leave
even as I try to cast it out,
here it shall be.
Take me,
redeem me.
Love me.
Please.

"the storm it rages in my heart, the endless empty roars in my ears
my world is coming all apart, i've no strength left to dry my tears
and through it all i hear your voice, breaking my heart, breaking my will
calms the storm inside of my soul as you whisper 'peace, be still...'"

I have never been happier to do a little cleaning...every little bit helps.
There is no obligation or pressure...so it's easier to act out of love...

I just wish it was this easy to show love to everyone and...I wish this wasn't such an issue of convenience for me.

On the Way to Midway

I saw the clouds part in splendor
showing both heaven and earth
encased with a red hue.
Fireflies danced off the window
as my eyes looked
and searched
for what was never there.

This moment,
this trip,
this very second
was years in the making.
Except I was in the wrong direction,
the wrong place.
Everything I had assimilated
and exported in reason and mind
was because of this.
Was it not?

What is it you are looking for?
Who did you expect?
Are you surprised this tomb is empty?

The slab of rock is broken
but still awaits
what is the next sacrifice.

I play at metaphors
while waxing at sacraments,
not knowing of the things
of which I speak.

I dreamed from my chair
that I could see the sunlight
refracted in your eyes,
that red mixed with blue
making a haze
which startled me to waking.

Of where do silly dreams come?
What is this madness which seizes us?
Drives us?
Compels us to come?

I cannot begin to express what I wish
because I do not even know it.
I sat there typing a letter,
sending words
to a man dead for sixteen years.
Fluttering thoughts to the heavens
and whatever is in the in-between.

I spoke of fear and trembling,
doubt that refines the soul
just as sure as the sacrifice will.

There is pain in offering my hope
and fear
and dream
and whoever is foolish enough to follow after me.

I did not intend to get here
but somehow I did.

Thoughts, metaphors and the like.
Where this ends...I know not.
I just know it is some new beginning
when all I asked for
was just a single resolution.

"I've got a ticket to the moon
I'll be leaving here any day soon
Yeah, I've got a ticket to the moon
But I'd rather see the sunrise in your eyes.

Got a ticket to the moon
I'll be rising high above the earth so soon
And the tears I cry might turn into the rain
That gently falls upon your window
You'll never know."

...and going...going...gone from Mobile...

Tonight went so much better than I thought it would.
Just getting to laugh some...and have some...happy seconds.
Was nice.
Warm fire.
Tasty smores.

Why am I so stressed out?
What does this even matter at this point anyway...

I just realized how asinine me trying to maintain friendships with eternal optimists is.

Stress.
Stress.
Oh stress...

Please quite this ragging storm within me...pride, anger, lust, terror...radical idolatry and the fact I exist is proof enough I am broken...I can't handle this burden...the pain of carrying all of these broken things on my back...

"I am made of parts that freeze and ligaments that atrophy
Though they look they’ll never see
They don’t know something’s wrong with me
And just as well, I’ll never tell what’s underneath the scales
I’ve worn to thin to honor you, my every effort fails
So bury me with Israel and cover up my tracks
Leave not a trace of what I was, I’m never coming back
And if you’re mercy falls upon he whose blood is cold
Unearth me with your hands of love and never break your hold

The world is full of ones like me
Who need to see the truth
But the truth is never truth indeed
The truth is only you"

Meh.
I'm so not in the mood to be a hero right now...

I swear I am not a masochist...I just have bouts of temporal stupidity where I forget where I am just long enough to open myself up for more.

Blaise

Everything I was is nothing that I am.
Such shadows glimmer
as they fade away,
burning out in the night
as rays of life pass through.

Reasoning and resonance,
hope eternal
and grace abounding
in this empty hole.

Quote of the Day:

"This must be Thursday, I never could get the hang of Thursdays."
-Arthur Dent