Some of the poetry written by my sixteen year old self would make most of current CCM like good by comparison.

Must burn it...now... >_>

Streetlight Manifesto - Down, Down, Down To Mephisto's Cafe

Related Movie Quote

In the movie Collateral Tom Cruise plays a hit man by the name of Vincent and Jamie Foxx plays the role of a cab driver named Max that unwillingly drives the hit man around. The cab driver doesn't discover the real reason for driving around Vincent until after his first victim plummets out of a building and lands on the cab. The following conversation happens after they leave the building.


Vincent: Max, six billion people on the planet, you're getting bent out of shape cause of one fat guy.
Max: Well, who was he?
Vincent: What do you care? Have you ever heard of Rwanda?
Max: Yes, I know Rwanda.
Vincent: Well, tens of thousands killed before sundown. Nobody's killed people that fast since Nagasaki and Hiroshima. Did you bat an eye, Max?
Max: What?
Vincent: Did you join Amnesty International, Oxfam, Save the Whales, Greenpeace, or something? No. I off one fat Angelino and you throw a hissy fit.
Max: Man, I don't know any Rwandans.
Vincent: You don't know the guy in the trunk, either.

Fears of Pretending

So, there was a time when I thought people who were irrationally afraid of being seen at counterfeits, exposed as counterfeits and in general terrified of the combination of the word 'counter' and the suffix 'fiet' had issues.

I realize that I have been doing this for years without realizing it.

What seems to be one of the base human needs is a desire to be wanted.

At what point does this become to much, overblown, increasingly erratic and unhealthy?

What point exists to where it is unhealthy to depend on other human beings?

Certainly we are all prone to this at different levels. No two human beings have the exact same desires and needs and yet, most have at least the basic desires to be desired and wanted around.

But what about this point to where narcissism rears its ugly head? Or what about when it feels like the reason I do anything is to garner attention and find ways to support myself? Would I be anything if I didn't have other humans to leach off of?

How the heck are we supposed to have some kind of real community and fellowship when it feels like the only reason I want anyone else around is to use them and presumably it is likewise?

Okay, I admit this is almost as pointless as the whole argument of "Does anyone turn to God for right reasons?"

Is there selfless reasons to desire God? Is there selfless reasons to desire love, hope, peace, caring, kindness and the rest?

Maybe, maybe not.


All I have is my personal perspective and a struggling faith. I see things as they are and they way they could be, should be. That by itself is maddening. I am presumptuous enough to say I believe I am right yet I am not crazy enough to strap explosives to myself to prove a point.

I need some kind of moving, some kind of being flung in a direction. I feel like I have been stationary for to long. I feel like I should not be here, that being here is unnatural, wrong, maybe even sinful.

I have trouble putting these things into words but I feel like I should be 'out there', wherever and whatever that exactly means and such and the like.


...which I suppose in one way my crazed fixation for music and playing in a band. It covers all the bases of "being out there", "going places", "carrying a message"...but uh, the only hiccup boss is the whole rest of the group not being on the same page. Ergo, the problem was me and not them.

I'm guessing God doesn't normally tell a group of people to go when he can just use a single person? Maybe? Once again I'm being presumptuous, I am assuming and we are getting into some dangerously awkward territory.

Talking about certainty, about fate, about the love of God...now this is some real dangerous territory.

Do you know why?

It means I am exposing myself as a counterfeit, something I am terrified of. It means walking a thin line between being myself and creating a pantomime that people want to see.

Let's be honest with ourselves, who actually is 'hungry and thirsty' for the love of God? I can speak for no one but myself but I sure as heck am not. If I had my way I would dig a dark hole to hide in for the rest of my life and be a Gollum. The only reason I haven't is because I'm constantly in a tug of war fight with God over myself.

I want peace, I want wholeness and I want to be honest and open...but at the same time I abhor it all. I hate the light, I want to spit on the face of Christ almost as equally as I want to hug him and say thanks for the whole Golgotha thing.

I do not know how normal that is but the last thing I want from any other human being is consolation or reaffirmation that it will be okay because at the end of the day it will not be okay.



It will not be okay because of their being two logical outcomes to what I believe.

1.I am wrong and I am a crazy person who has invisible friends called God, Jesus, Holy Spirit and Lucifer. I should be put in a place with low lit lights and be given a nice warm white jacket and an IV full of happy drugs for all the good I am doing the world.

The selfish and cowardly part of me BEGS for that to be the truth. That this is all nothing more then the mad ramblings of someone with way to much time on his hands and all that is needed to fix him is a warm glass of milk full of drugs.

It would be easy and painless. I would be the god I have so desperately worshiped all these years and no one could do a damn thing to change it.


2.I'm right and a lot of people are going to Hell. Furthermore, I along with a lot of the other people who believe this really do not care. Of course we're willing to throw a few dollars at whatever spokesperson is supporting the poor and hungry this week but really how much does it bother us?

It bothers me a lot.

I use excuses where I can but ultimately I have nothing to hide behind. Bad health or not, extreme pain or not. Excuses, meaningless in their poor attempts to shroud my selfishness, my hate, my prejudices, my broken desires, my depressed nature...I could go on but I think you get the point.

Point being, I believe fervently in Jesus but at the same time I fell a mounting mass of contradictions in my life, my beliefs and in general the way the world operates. I hate stating things in a completely obvious manner, must be the poet in me, but there are only so many ways you can sincerely state something.

I want to do something positive to help myself and others but I'm almost terrified to because it feels like I am in a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' position. Regardless of what I do it won't be enough, it'll hurt someone, it'll push someone further away....jeez this stuff is almost circular in its maddening qualities.

But the worse thing...well...as trite as this is a Bible verse kinda works very well here:

"And now I have a word for you who brashly announce, "Today - at the latest, tomorrow - we're off to such and such city for the year. We're going to start a business and make a lot of money." You don't know the first thing about tomorrow. You're nothing but a wisp of fog, catching a brief bit of sun before disappearing. Instead, make it a habit to say, "If the Master wills it and we're still alive, we'll do this or that."

As it is, you are full of your grandiose selves. All such vaunting self-importance is evil. In fact, if you know the right thing to do and don't do it, that, for you, is evil."

-James 4:13-17

It would be nice if a certain part of me would shut up and I mean shut up for good. Your opinions are not wanted, needed or asked for. The only advice you seem to offer would be equivalent to driving myself off a cliff.

So do the rest of us a favor and shush before I do something to shut you up.

I'm a horrible human...oh yes...

Thank you Jesus. Thank you.

Yikes.

I don't know.

Yeah.

There is a metaphorical cancer deep inside of me, begging to be freed.

Okay...so I just figured out how to whistle by exhaling.

How awesome is that?

Queen - Who Want's to Live Forever?

This just in...I hate abdominal pain!

U2 - Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own

Saviour Machine - Carnival of Souls

I kinda wish you would have said something...it would have been nice.


You know?

Hold Me Jesus

Well, sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

I'm singing hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

-Rich Mullins, "Hold Me Jesus"

I am so tired.

I sleep but there is no rest.

Physically my stomach is killing me and making it impossible to focus on anything else.

Lord, I am so tired.

Plus the bizarre dreams.

Focus is increasingly difficult.

But I want to love you so much more. I can talk about how much failure this in my life, go on ages about how much closer I want to be...but that is just the idle talk of a fool who doesn't know his left hand from his right.

I'm a fool for you, no more no less. Not to be mistakened for someone who knows anything beyond the basics...I am just me. Who you created me as. I don't have much strength left to endure.

Please remember me. Do not let me fade to nothingness. Please.

Random birthday thoughts....random birthday thoughts...nothing yet must check back later...

Who knows and who cares?

Linkin Park - Breaking The Habit

Ye gats I feel terrible and I'm not even sure about 95% of it either.

So...I am a bit dramatic but then who isn't?

Sometimes I just absolutely hate fucking life.

A Few Not So Sorted Thoughts on Discipleship

Because the dead horse of discussing discipleship hasn't been beaten enough (in of course, my humble opinion), I figured I would throw out some ideas on it.

Early believers did not call themselves Christians. Out of reverence for Christ they simply referred to themselves as being adherents of "The Way". Depending how one reads Acts, it was actually people in Antioch using it as a potentially derogatory name.

"It was in Antioch that the disciples were for the first time called Christians"
-Acts 11:26

It is important to note that the disciples were called that, not that they called themselves that. The would simply refer to themselves as being followers of "The Way".

The reason why they did not call themselves Christians was because of how amazingly arrogant that would be considered. One liken unto Christ? Actually thinking about it in those terms...it just kinda makes our futile attempts all that more pitiful...but I'm not trying to start a revolution as much as make a point.


"The Way"

A very intriguing title. It gives one the mental image of a walkway, the idea that as we progress through life we were to be that salt and light Jesus was so fond to talk about. A more subtle and real life style of acting out of a changed heart.

I guess if I had to actually phrase discipleship into something like a definition it would be kinda like:

"-A deliberate attempt of one to deeply and truthfully search their heart, soul and mind to see where they stand in relation to Jesus the Christ. To realize the extent of our broken nature and how of an absolute desperate need we are to be redeemed every moment of our life. To realize that this redemption is not of our power but by falling by Jesus.
-One can pray and seek the face of Christ but it is only by His power are we changed, only by the blood of his sacrificial death are we cleansed of sin and only by his literal and absolute resurrection do we no longer have any fear over death.
-The life of a disciple is one that has been marked by a change that can only occur by a touch of the Living God. No program, emotional confession or mental exercise can render the absolute freedom and everlasting joy as the touch and movement of Christ.
-By choosing to accept this grace does one take the first step into what is a lifetime of change, of labor, of persecution, of being hated by this world and despised by our family, we loose our identity to become one with Christ. Our love for Christ must be greater and more passionate then any other person, thing or idea otherwise we must question who our true allegiance belongs to; the prince of this world or the King of Kings.
-The basis of a Christian life, of discipleship begins and ends with the person and their willingness to sacrifice time and resource to actively choose to pursue Christ with abandonment.
-This pursuit manifests itself in many of the same practices Jesus adhered to:
prayer, gorging oneself on the Word of God, fasting, giving ones time to serve others, humbling yourself to the death, putting everyone in front of you and being willing to be literally spat upon, literally beaten by whips until you bleed and then you are literally placed upon two wooden beams and are nailed onto them and left to die.
-To adhere to The Way you are not expected to simply come and go as you please. You are in essence marking yourself as an enemy of Satan and the kingdom he has set up on this world. Our job is not to wage war with the physical but to march as living sacrifices into the slaughter houses of the enemy.

But not for our glory. If for one moment we make any of this about us then Christ has died in vein and we pursue what is nothing more then a fool's errand."

There is no room for Christ and ego.
There is no room for myself, my pride and my plans.
I either choose Christ or myself.
The choice is also up to you.


"These words I speak to you are not incidental additions to your life, homeowner improvements to your standard of living. They are foundational words, words to build a life on. If you work these words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who built his house on solid rock. Rain poured down, the river flooded, a tornado hit - but nothing moved that house. It was fixed to the rock.

"But if you just use my words in Bible studies and don't work them into your life, you are like a stupid carpenter who built his house on the sandy beach. When a storm rolled ion and the waves came up, it collapsed like a house of cards."

-Jesus, Matthew 7:24-27

Work in progress...?

The night is alight with silver meadows,
an ocean bathed in brilliant auras,
trepidation and the titillation of waves.
Back and forth in the giant maw of time,
a holy testament to