I want to sleep.
Rather badly.
Not insomnia or worry.
Not the nagging feeling of being incomplete.

Not too long ago I had this ridiculous and silly idea that somehow another human being could bring me completion.

No human being cares beyond their immediacy.
It is how we are hard wire.
The few who do not are rightfully looked as being insane.

I wish I could regress into being more simple.
Infinitely more shallow.
Just focus on me.
Making things for me.
Not trying to fix so much.
Flee from stupid decisions and bad ideas.

I keep trying to be someone I am not.
I never was.
I never can be.
Someone I do not want.

Look me in the eyes.
If you can see.
You will know.

The eyes are a window to the soul.
But, look and see
because I'm not sure
what could be.

So many racing thoughts.
Voids.
Incomplete dialogue.
Harsh language.
Hatred.
Lusting over neediness.
Loathing.
This paled moonlight reflecting in my mirror.
Seeing everything.
Feeling nothing.
Want everything.
Being nothing.

So much conveyed.
So much darkness in song.
Something in light.
Pale ramblings pretending to be.
Again.
Again.
Again.

The water can flow.
Blood can pour.
Nothing will change the past.
This endless chasm between us and the pain.
It all feels like rambling lies.

Touch my face.
Feel the porcelain.
The painted on smile.
Sardonic glint in my eyes and all.

I don't think you could see behind this
if you clawed,
pulled
and tore
this damnable cage off.

Because you simply can't see the things
you never wanted
and feel the things
that may have been
or not.

New Years Day

Happy New Year.
Or something.
Things.

Words are not working right now.
But it's a new day.
A new year.
A new world in theory.

Despite all the negatives, pain, loneliness and distances...it was an unexpectedly mostly pleasant Christmas.

"Thank God it's Christmas" - Queen

"Thank God it's Christmas"

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas.
This one time of the year.
This one day.
Just a few short hours.
So much hope.
So many things and so many ways life could have been.

And here we are.
And here we are.

There is some sort of awkwardly asinine idiocy of finding ways to justify misery or creating misery in God's name.

I am sick of this hole.
And the pain.
All of the evil that is in and of here.

I could stay here.
Could live here.
Remain in misery and never change.

Or force myself to keep going.
Embrace the pain and not stop.

Morning? Morning.

That was so long ago.
Fading viridian,
and entwining lies with reason.

Another Me that I am not sure of,
never really knowing who it was
or might,
could have been.

Pain, hollow evenings
full of confusion
and poor decisions
spurned by pain.

I'm not sure who I was
or who I might become,
but I'm willing to claim that pain.

For once,
for what seems the first time
in memories stretching back,
there is a time
where I can let go
and be free of myself.

The Darkness,
the crippling hate of myself
and the self sabotage.

"Main Theme: Howl's Moving Castle" - Joe Hisaishi

Well that was a long nap.
And now...missed everyone I was wanting to talk to.
Bahness.

Plus side, Christmas Eve.
Even with how silly, painful, ridiculous and overbearing life is...there is at least some beauty.

"You’ve got a cause now, I heard you braggin’.
Always the fastest one on the bandwagon.
So sit down and I’ll tell you, what I’m feeling,
what I am feeling.
For a lack of better words you are stealing,
you are stealing,
all of my joy away from me.
What ever happened to our unity?

We cut ourselves, our own limbs we've severed.
It's time for us to pull together and stand, as one.
All eyes are turning towards the Son.
Drop your fists now, what you resent.
Let's not forget who we represent.
And fall to our knees in unity.

Another day now, another doctrine,
another monkey wrench in the system.
Some folks kneelin', some just listen,
some fallin' out of the pews from twistin'.
I don't care kinds, how you do it.
United we'll stand and we'll pull through it.
All were dead once.
All enslaved.
Now pull together 'cause we've all been saved.

The only Jesus this world's gonna see,
is the Jesus in you and me.
So pick your cross up, stop your swingin'.
Stop and look at the stink you're bringin'
to this body with your fighting,
you bust more more knuckles that the wrongs your righting.
What's important, is where we relate,
it's the meaning of the word Amalgamate."

"When the concrete of the world
Becomes too cumbersome to lift,
And the cataracts of fear and doubt
Cloak truth beyond what we can sift
And darkness, darkness bleeds its way,
When crippling anguish clouds our sight,
The ghosts of dusk have bared their teeth,
Set their claws to bring the night

Hold on,
Hold tight

Darkness can’t perceive the light,
though lightlessness has chilled us numb,
And though its wings may cloud the skies,
The dark shall never overcome

Light of the world,
Your love, has never failed

And these frail hands,
They tremble as they pen perhaps their last
And these weak words,
Can never say what cannot be surpassed

I need your love,
And most of all I want to feel your peace,
I need your love,"

Meh.

Veritas.

Well I'm about out of depressing stuff to very vaguely refer to while appearing to be all depressed and noble.

Looks like I am stuck having to start feeling better and even smile.

What IS the world coming to these days?

Clearing...wanting a clearance.
Just wishing...I could share...

"Head Down" - Nine Inch Nails

"And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'll give anything
I'll give anything"

"Come and find me, my love
If it's not too late
You’ll know where to look
I leave no tracks, no scent, no trace
If it's not too late
You’ll know where to look
Please forget the things I said and I wrote
Forget them and throw them away
Forget the things that I wrecked and I broke
Forget me and throw me away
The dark to me is a comfort
It offers blindness to me
There are so many horrible things in the light
They hurt for me to see

If you find me, carry me home
Don’t wake me or whisper my name
Lock me in the warmth of your arms
And walk me away from my shame"

Heh...such pretty lies.

Under Skin, Under Spirit

And as the hours passed
the evening darkened,
the night took hold
and slowly strangled the light.

Removing any visages of hope
leaving a hollow space.
Madness and fear,
walk hand in hand
down the vale of broken spine
and slide into my soul.

Reminding,
screaming
and beating
home the message
that this is all fake.

The whole "FEEL BETTER" or "HAVE YOU TRIED FEELING BETTER?!?" routine, surprisingly, doesn't actually work so well.

Passive aggressive responses to passive aggressive responses just seems silly at this point.

Words?

And to think some losers actually PAY for this sort of motivation.

Phft.

Retrograde.