Yay for migraines lasting twelve hours and still counting!

=D

Life.
Words.
Meaning.

Amazing 14 foot long scarf.
Family, friends...well friends that are family...and love.

Caring.
Beauty.
Impossible beauty in this painful life.

Beautiful meaning of words that are played out in life.
Things I could never be.
Things I could never see.

Acceptance and want of me.
So silly.
Impossible.
But warm socks.

Such great, wonderful and beautiful things.

I am not sure what it looks like...but there is always hope.
Not for every cause.
Not for every reason.
Not for every flutter of my heart.

But a steady, living, pulsing hope that this broken physical shell is not the end.
Just the beginning of so much.
So very much.

It still disturbs me to no end that The Nostalgia Chick looks exactly like a girl that I had a crush on for such a long time.

o_O

It is so strange to not...be writing so much.
A block.
Ridiculous emotional sentiments that are unwanted.

Concerning myself with things that have no concern, no meaning, no sense of anything to do with me...and yet, I include myself...

So strange.
More than ever I just feel like a stranger looking out from the eyes of a body, of a soul, of a person who isn't me...

I ask...I wonder...

Is this my smile?
Is that my voice speaking?
Are these my hands that shake from pain and stress?

Being alive, having life itself is a miracle...
But I am not other boys...other...men, dare I say.
I don't look at women as cattle.
Things to own, brand, use, consume and destroy.
Life has meaning.
All life.
Even when I am confused and hurting.

Which is why I must pray.
Not to try and move God.
But that maybe, finally, I can be moved out of this vacuum, this void of pain.

Hmm more frustrations.
With a side of hopefulness.

"What shall we use
To fill the empty spaces
Where we used to talk?
How shall I fill
The final places?
How should I complete the wall...?"

God I hate cynicism.
It's a cancer eating at me.
Ripping at my soul.
Reminding me of being human.

If I could just judge and write off people...I could be as selfrighteous as I wanted.
God look at me.
Do you see your son?
The pain and misery around me?
Just a glimpse of it all?


I'm having trouble caring or keeping focus,
when all I do is want it to end.
To have the pain finish
and conclude.

I have more words...too many words.
Wasted words.
Exhausted words.
Bloodies, bruised and battered words.

Words that make me ask...why, how and what for?
So much pain, so much pointlessness.

And THAT is why I hate humans.
All of it, every last one, can't stand the toxic, disgusting and degenerating smell of the rot...the lies, the betraying...the stabbing at the first opportune moment...

But the beauty of Christ...carrying so much pain, the anguish and sins...

I am not perfect.
I cannot love.
But God can love.
Can love even through one as broken as I.

That is a miracle beyond words.

"Postherpetic neuralgia is thought to be nerve damage caused by herpes zoster (shingles). The damage causes nerves in the affected dermatomic area of the skin to send abnormal electrical signals to the brain. These signals may convey excruciating pain, and may persist or recur for months, years or until death."

Well my outlook on life certainly is sky high at this point. v_v

After a decade...a literal decade, I just figured out how to import music into RPG Maker XP.

Surely apotheosis is but a few steps away.

Words...words...words...

So much, so little going on...

I should focus on healing...but I can't help but be worried...not to excuse worry...it's just...so hard to trust God knows what He is doing.

As silly as it sounds.

I never want to let go because letting go requires faith and believing that I do not know everything or can fix everything...

So...so...painful.
But needed.
Letting go...being free...

I'm so freaking awesome that I do not have one...but TWO kidneys full of stones.

If I was anymore awesome I would spontaneously combust.

So much freaking pain...it has a purpose...but seriously...threshold.

#_#

Note to self:

Adjust all of the ringtones so that instead of having a sooth melody that causes one to fall asleep, make the noise blaring and loud in order to not miss important phone calls.

Distance but Not Always Seeing

Eternity is a ship out of port
but it's a pathway stretching two ways,
from here until there
but why can I not see You today?

I'm holding my breath,
having anticipation
and anxiety
with such splendid pains
that keep me building towers,
all that I can look
with the hope
that You,
You may cross my line of vision
and I can let go
falling deeper in love with You.

Whispers of a long lost Muse
and nerve endings
digging in with fire burning claws,
screaming for a healing kiss
and a touch of peace,
but we live in a world of constant war,
pain and strife are dime a dozen
with sorrow on the sleeve.

I believe as I doubt,
hand in hands
holding tight as I run,
from here until eternity,
stretched out in pain
but hoping.

Fear and malady
as I let go
falling fast and free,
the wind in my hair
as I blow a kiss
with not a care
or ability to miss
whatever this life was supposed to be.

Instead it's in this moment
where I look and wander,
here...there...the key unlocks
and all this overflows.

This whole never ending chronic pain thing is simply becoming exasperating.

All the joints, and I mean all the blasted things, are hurting right now.

Wrists, fingers, knees, elbows, toes...it's not a joint but my freaking neck/head.

I am wanting to laugh my head off.

I am in so much pain that I honest to God would cry tears of joy for a shot of morphine...but I am laughing with tears because of how absurd it is for a twenty-four year old male with little "logical" reason for being in so much pain.

Jesus is utterly cracked and I am with Him on that notion.

Dim Echoes, Fading Lights

Not all memories are painful...but some are...

The one's I have lost.

Some to age, some to death...some far too young...and yet others beyond what I could have hoped...

...others to circumstances, distance and time...

I still think of you.
Pray for you...even though conversation seem to no longer be possible...
I have hope that we can speak one day.
Even if it's after this Age has passed.

I can wait.
Waiting is what I'm good at.
Right?
When the echoes of time fade...
...and all of the sparks grown dim.
When life as we have known is no more
and everything is healed
brought to life
and restored to its proper place.

Maybe,
just maybe
then,
you and I,
may walk beside the crystal sea.
Converse and feel the endless warmth
of eternal Love
and being healed.

"Hey you, standing in the road
always doing what you're told,
Can you help me?
Hey you, out there beyond the wall,
Breaking bottles in the hall,
Can you help me?
Hey you, don't tell me there's no hope at all
Together we stand, divided we fall."

Meep.
Moorgle.
Bleh.
Merfh.

Things...are such a jumble mess...that I can't sort it all out in my mind...or on paper.

Not bad.
Not horrible.
Not the end of the world.

Just a confusing mess.
Somethings are quite clearly so idiotic that I can't bring myself to worry or feel insecure jealousy over.

This time, last year, I was busy digging myself a grave with depression, stupidity and well meaning intentions...

Silly waste of time.
Silly waste of effort.

I just can't bring myself to care.
About that at least.
What is the point of worry, when it concerns broken and flawed humans screwing up all they care to?

It is sort of amazing how destructive free will...and people's inability to cope with the 'need' to choose.

"Lived to death."?
A stock phrase purchased in the realm of stupidity.
Try learning for other people's mistakes before self-destruction becomes your best friend.

It's what I did and I am just smug enough to chuckle sadly while watching things and people burn down around me.

It's one of those sad, empty and distant chuckles...but a chuckle all the same....so fully of irony and being sardonic.

Meep.

So tired of feeling...sickness.

Plus side...new day, new sunrise...new hope and a chance...a chance for life.

Treading Softly at Night

Distance...so close and yet,
further and further it seems.

Dreams sliding in and out of reality
as causality takes the blame.

Unexpected visions of what to come
or mere lies in the mists of time?

...or maybe it's not too complicated.
Maybe my over thinking is the complication...