Western Winds

Your cross and grace are more than I can bear...
This pain is too real and my soul cries for peace
in the middle of this struggle.

I know You,
I have known Your voice since I was a child,
a child so lost and confused
who didn't know which way to look.

You took my hand
and carried me,
brought me to this alien land
with such profane tongues.

When did I walk away?
When did I realize enough was never enough?

My soul is Yours to take
and my life is Yours to make,
in this storm
that is causing me to break.

"Don't go thinking I'm crazy
But I'm feeling your heartache
Your creation through your eyes
There is pain it's no mistake

Closer I get to you I see
Souls full of hurt, full of need
The closer I get I see less of me

And I feel like I could break
And, I feel like I could break
Lord, I know now it's getting late
Let my heart be broken by your heartache
And I feel like I could break
Now, it's more than I can take

'cause all of those times I ran away
From all of those things I used to say
And all of those pains I feel
Revealed to me"

Nightly Regression

Sometimes I wonder why I bother to dream.
I know I should hope and expect so much...
...but it hard to trust when the pain is vivid.

My faith is so shallow, so weak, so often...
How do you love me for me?
When it seems like all I can feel
and that all I ever do
is fall in this cycle,
this vicious pain
of a broken heart
and shattered dreams,
such silly poetry not even worth a second glimpse.

Do you see me when we both dream,
or is this yet another false tale
where distance is measured in heart beats
and I know there is no room for me?

Fun with Fibromyalgia

You know, that actually would be a good name for a British romantic comedy.

Whenever I find myself in a stressful situation that I have no real means of escaping I try to either shut down into silent mode or try to ease the tension with terrible jokes and/or stories.

I suppose one of the good things about going to a Christian university that I can bring the conversation right around to Jesus or something...but that is a bit cliche. Something I have struggled with finding some sort of understanding or meaning in all the pain in this world.

My senior research paper was on trying to deal with the idea of how a good God can exist when if you take off the blinders we wear and just look and see how fragile, how horrifying and how real the pain in this world is.

The more I reread the words of Jesus there is this intense longing and desire to follow...to just break my addiction to material things and actually bother to put my faith into the sort of dangerous practice that for all rights and "practical" purposes it seems inane.

Quote of the Day:

To endure the cross is not tragedy; it is the suffering which is the fruit of an exclusive allegiance to Jesus Christ”
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"Every New Day" - Five Iron Frenzy

A friend is someone who will be there...no matter the time, the day, the situation...good times, bad times or when there has been miscommunication or a fight.

At least that is what I tell myself and possibly why I am seem to be so damn masochistic.

Why must thoughts and emotions be so confusing?
I understand now how drama works and why people pay money to see it...

...but that doesn't make it anymore enjoyable to live.

Bleh.

I just...

I want this seed of hope within my soul to grow.
To blossom and help me become so much more.

Wow that may have been the cheesiest thing I have ever written... o_O

Meh.
As Freddie Mercury once sang, "Who waits forever anyway?"

Sometimes it's nice to smile.
It's three AM and I am exhausted, but no matter what happens...no matter how bad I feel or how lame I seem when I inevitably compare myself to everyone else...I am my own unique brand of lame geekiness.

And that is okay.
That is wonderful.
I am my own and loved and wanted for who I am.
I don't have to meet someone's standards.
Those worth loving find me lovable because I was first loved by Him.

It's awesome.
In it's own weird ways.

I wish I could do a better job of going out of my way to show love to those who went out of their way to hurt me...but just...

Ack.
Irritation.

"So ya
Thought ya
Might like to go to the show.
To feel the warm thrill of confusion
That space cadet glow.
Tell me is something eluding you, sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?
If you wanna find out what's behind these cold eyes
You'll just have to claw your way through this disguise."

I would go on an angry tirade about how disgusted and tired I am of dealing with duplicitous hypocrites...but I am looking in the mirror right now.

I am what I hate.
Until I learn to love and accept myself, I cannot love God or other people.

Why is it so hard to let go of this millstone?
All of this shocking and frigid cold pain?

"The Fear of God" - Showbread

"It is a broken system where we just wait for death.
It is a broken system where suffering can never end.

Simplicity is not a curse where strength is humbled
And the powerless rise.
This is a kingdom born upside-down.
This is a kingdom where the broken are crowned."

Heh.
A month since that church blow up.
Irony much?

Oie.

Quote of the Day:

"Love without courage and wisdom is sentimentality, as with the ordinary church member. Courage without love and wisdom is foolhardiness, as with the ordinary soldier. Wisdom without love and courage is cowardice, as with the ordinary intellectual. But the one who has love, courage and wisdom moves the world."
-Ammon Hennacy

The thing is...I want to make you smile.
That is all.
I know it's silly to care so much about people's happiness...but I guess that is who I am.

A silly, silly person...with good intentions that rarely pan out the way they were intended.

But that is okay.
Failure isn't really enough to stop me.
I have to keep trying.
Even when the thoughts don't necessarily make sense.

Somehow, someway, grace has met me halfway.
At least if I try...I can try.
Just a smile.
And a try.
And a care.

Love, Love, Love

So strong, so painful
and everything I seek,
I run to and fro
aching and wanting,
just begging
being a beggar
needing Your love.

I hold out my hand
as the closed fist
to hurt
as much as I need,
taking everything I want
just because I can
and leaving,
leaving it all to chance.

Everything spinning,
everything breaking down
with all the pain
and all of the taste.

What can I say?
What can I do?
I'm just a beggar on the outside
needing love
and needing You.

Quote of the Day:

“If you've ever known the love of God, you know it's nothing but reckless and it's nothing but raging. Sometimes it hurts to be loved, and if it doesn't hurt it's probably not love, may be infatuation. I think a lot of American people are infatuated with God, but we don't really love Him, and they don't really let Him love them. Being loved by God is one of the most painful things in the world, it's also the only thing that can bring us salvation and it's like everything else that is really wonderful, there's a little bit of pain in it, little bit of hurt.”
-Rich Mullins

"This life has shown me how we're mended and how we're torn
How it's okay to be lonely as long as you're free
Sometimes my ground was stoney
And sometimes covered up with thorns
And only You could make it what it had to be
And now that it's done
Well, if they dressed me like a pauper
Or if they dined me like a prince
If they lay me with my fathers
Or if my ashes scatter on the wind
I don't care.

But when I leave I want to go out like Elijah
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire
And when I look back on the stars
Well, It'll be like a candlelight in Central Park
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye."

I really need to work on not letting small things get under my skin.
Already, I can think of a couple of things that will bother and upset me about this semester...but how are they my problem?

I can wash my face, take a deep breath and sip some tea...and be happy to feel alive.

I hope I can sleep a couple of more hours and go to church with my mom.

That would be nice.
No drama.
No stupid worry about things that do not matter.
Just enjoying my last day before driving back to school.

Even when bad things happen...I don't have to let that ruin everything.
Hmm...that is a skill I need to master...

Pizza.
Soda.
Tea.
Medication.
Deep thinking.
No sleep.

Yeah.
This can't end well.

Cynicism mixed with some fatalism.

Strange.
Strange.

The small things I care about for some...reason.

Weird.

Why does such meaningless, small, worthless things irk me so greatly?