"the farther I fall I'm beside you
as lost as I get I will find you
the deeper the wound I'm inside you
for ever and ever I'm a part of

you and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
if the world should break in two
until the very end of me
until the very end of you

all that we were is gone we have to hold on
when all our hope is gone we have to hold on
all that we were is gone but we can hold on

you and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
even after everything
you're the queen and I'm the king
nothing else means anything"

Yes.

I am that guy who will go do something or get something at 2am, 11pm of any other absurd when I already have a half million things to do.

I'll even do it without so much as a thanks.

Just because of love.

I want to learn how to love even those I do not know...those whom I hate with that passion...but even more so, the same passion God has for the lost sheep and the ones who have become wolves and preying on other sheep.

Even if it means taking a Shepard's staff and striking to protect the innocent and those being preyed upon.

I want to show love that is beyond my capacities and beyond my beliefs and is straight from the lips of Christ.

Why is it so easy to be angry...bitter, jealous...feeling these rush of beings at once.

There is good, wonderful and beautiful things in life...

It is just hard to see things from before...with a more naive approach.

I suppose the trick is learning to not trust, trying to give everything in the right manner to find an ace to keep up your sleeve...

Time to mentally check out of reality to do some serious writing...

Certain people...yeah...certain people.

Being alive is nice though.
Woo.

So much joy and apathy spun into one day...

Quote of the Day:

"No, no, no way, Reinette Poisson? Later Madame D'Etoiles, later still mistress of Louis XV, uncrowned Queen of France? Actress, artist, musician, dancer, courtesan. Fantastic gardener! ...I'm the Doctor, and I just snogged Madame de Pompadour!"
-The Doctor

*Brain explodes*

After both playing and running tabletop games for over a decade this comic made me laugh and cringe just because of how often scenarios like this actually arise:

http://www.darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0098.html

Quote of the Day:

"Grand Viziers were always scheming megalomaniacs. It was probably in the job description: 'Are you a devious, plotting, unreliable madman? Ah, good, then you can be my most trusted advisor.'"
—Terry Pratchett

It is sort of morbidly humorous to see people throw God around as being the cosmic cause for their incredibly idiotic effects.

I suppose there is always someone else to blame...what good would taking personal responsibility do anyway...right?

Part Time Messiah

I really thought I said I was done with this gig.

I drew a line, marked it out and said "No more. No more trying to carry the world, much less any of its stupid little apes that managed to get themselves in trouble and decide to come crying to me."

After all, what can I do?

I can barely contain the insanity swirling in and out of my soul...emotions, thoughts, feelings, chemical reactions, physical actions...insanity day in and day out...so what can I do?

I do not care.

I have tried to do everything and have ended up doing nothing...I am not writing the world off but I am writing the parasites away.

I willingly bleed my soul out to people who are not even worth my trust...so why should I whore my time, soul, sanity and well being just to hear someone bitch and moan about how terrible their life is?

I am human.
I am a sinner.
I, for reasons beyond my understanding, am a sinner saved by grace.

But by no stretch of the imagination does that make me perfect, some sort of all knowing guru who is going to sacrifice his well being for the greater good.

I am no one's hero.
I am barely ranking as an antihero.
I would fit much more comfortable in the ranks of being an apathetic villain.

And yet Jesus calls to me to lay down my arms, lay down my pain, my rage, my anger...my everything and follow...to where?

I do not know.
I do not know so much...and yet the love, the grace, forgiveness...so many things I take for granted, I forget, I throw back into the heavens when I just stop caring and break down...

I am loved.
Even when I am enraged and unlovable, when I do not show grace and I hurt people's feelings...when I back stab them and then I narcotize myself with apathy, uncaring and abject ed hated.

Even when I do not know what to do and I fail.
I am loved, love so dearly, chased after and longed for by some sort of Divine Madman that really should know when to quit...but He never has.

I'll never know why.

But that is okay.

I am loved.

Quote of the Day:

"That old saw about 'to understand all is to forgive all' is a lot of tripe. Some things, the more you understand the more you loathe them."
-Robert A. Heinlein

With all of my complaining, whining and general negativity...there is so much horror, so much pain in this world that my problems are reduced to the insignificant little nothings they really are.

Seeing, hearing, feeling the pain running through the eyes and souls...

And I realize that I do not know how to pray.

Millstones for Sell

The chords around my neck
are starting to choke
wrapping tight
and cutting me off
from whatever else is in this world.

The absence in me
is this gaping hole
this want to be loved
and maybe just accepted
but
I'm not sure it ever mattered
because
if I was loved
would there be this gap
from where you left?

It feel so stupid
to pray
and write letters
so someone so far gone
that I do not think
and maybe I even know
I will never see again.

Why speak of fair
and cry out in pain
to a God
who only seems
to move
only as needed...

My faith may be weak
and bloodied
with so many broken bones
but hope still prevails
moving within me.

I don't have words
and I never will,
no one can understand
nor want to feel
this void
that ever is a part of me.

Maybe in the next Age
the healing will come,
every tear will be wiped away
and the screaming pain
may just subside.

Until then I will walk the shadows,
moving in and out life
as I look,
pray for hope
and falter in step.

The exceptionally sad thing is that the person who actually bothers to believe my lies is me.

Yeah.

Sad.

Quote of the Day:

"...but the cruelest thing you can do to an artist is tell them their work is flawless when it isn't."
-Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw

I just want to stop hurting.
Is that too much to ask?

Faith and hope are bone weary, running out and so tired.

Does it matter?

So many questions, too much time and so much exhaustion.

Hope is there, just too tired and too weak to move.

Sunday was one of the most peaceful evening I have had in months..if not years.
Even just with watching Doctor Who, it was nice to feel apart of something more real that may last word may be the more illinoformed

Quote of the Day:

"The religious persecution of the ages has been done under what was claimed to be the command of God. I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do to their fellows, because it always coincides with their own desires."
-Susan B. Anthony


http://www.thelizlibrary.org/undelete/library/library005.html

God...please give me relief from the pain and nausea...please...

Another, Another

So far...and yet so close.
The foolish rhymes of yesterday
falling out of sync.

An evening amongst familiar company
and it is curious
how the simple
and what many call mundane
is what helps me hang on.

Laughter, embraces
and even a hand holding a hand
all just are milestones
mixed with grace
on this long
and convoluted journey.

It is so hard
just to recall
what it was
that started
me on this trip
and finding my way
back to this school.

I struggle to believe in love
and the fading hope
that love still believes in me.

I was able to impart
and give some comfort
providing some security.
Just another fleeting moment
but one of the few moments of grace
in this year of Hell.

I have already lost so much
and yet
I know the worst is to come.
It may be cowardly to run
but I would flee
in order to preserve
if not just outright protect
those who suffer because of me.

Fleeting
just passing by
the waves rolling on
and pulling at me
summoning me to dive
and never return to the surface.

Just another passing moment
on this time of life,
shades and shadows,
passing and fleeting
and watching the sun spiral
into its everlasting decay.

I am.
I am.

Evidently I am so exhausted right now that I was able to read some comments in German and it made perfect sense.

Which is awesome considering I have absolutely no working knowledge of German.

Lovable Loser Syndrome

These people do not want truth.
They want to be coddled and patted on the back.
They want reassurance that the screams of the dying and damned outside their door is just a radio stuck on static.

Compassion and empathy are dirty words whereas complacency, self-righteousness and pleasure are their drugs of choice.

I would rather be living in this pain, feeling the screams of pain rip through my nerve cells and die trying to change the world...then lay here in numb apathy.

I may loose every relationship, every friendship...every companion may prove to be unfaithful, untrustworthy and keen to stab me in the back...but if I can simply die having been faithful to the call I can ask for nothing more.

If need be I will find solace in You alone.
If I loose all of these and must limp and crawl alone this stretched path...I will.

I have lost everything and felt my soul rip apart several times already...it just eventually gets to a point where I no longer give a damn about being loved by people. I am an attention starved person who will perform simply to have some iota of confidence build up...but at the end of the day it's not worth it...nothing in this world is worth the sacrifice and the pain.

God, the pain.
It will come and go.
I will handle it as I must.
Luckily I do not star as a hero or main character.
I will never have my face on a poster or an action figure in my image.

Just as well.
There are no heroes.
All humans do is fail and create more problems.
Problems that cause pain.
Problems that someone has to fix.

Such a painful paradox.
So frustratingly stupid to pine after someone who sees you but looks through you.
If anything that is worse than being ignored.
At least when you do not exist at all to that person you can at least dream that one day they may see you...but to be looked through and seen as nothing more than a lovable loser who somehow just never manages to "make it" well...I can simply say I do not care.

What is the point of wasted breath?
Why do I feel the need to waste air?
What more can I expect or ask out of these people?

None of us are born without some purpose, some role in this story.
However none of us are assured as to what that is.

I am not one made to be able to love and love back.
What is the absolute point?
Love, marriage, family...silly things never meant for me.
I try but my heart is growing colder and deader with each day.
I feel less, my compassion is fading and my empathy is in chaotic decay.

I focus on myself so much...to my own determent.
The decay, the pain...all so real and vivid...

I don't know the future.
I do not need to know it.
Maybe something will change...maybe I will learn to feel again and open my heart up...but I would just as soon let it grow cold and at least be able to support and hold someone...something up...while the rest of me just falls apart.

At least I might be able to act as a stonewall.
That has to count for something.

Quote of the Day:

“Nothing is more revolting than the majority; for it consists of few vigorous predecessors, of knaves who accommodate themselves, of weak people who assimilate themselves, and the mass that toddles after them without knowing in the least what it wants”
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe