Dear Jesus

I'm here, confused as always and just hoping to find grace after such a long struggle.

Words are all I have and they are so cheap.

How do I begin to even speak sincerely after all the lies, the doubts, the fears, the hate, the lusts, the pride and all the self destructive wastes of time?

I will never be able to look you in the eye because of how much shame I feel...not just for surviving or being alive...but knowing how I relentlessly turn away from those you send to me...and I just want to hide with me and never see the light again.

But, why and how...you love me?
Not just narcissistic me.
But...this world, those hurting and broken...knowing they can't do this life alone and need love just as desperately as me.

All this aching, all this pining, worry and stress...

What matters?
What truly matters?

Is there anything besides love?
You are so just, so loving, caring, so much more than I can scarcely dare to dream...

Thank you.
Thank you for a new day to live and smile.
Thank you for my loved ones...friends and family who carry me when I am too weak to continue in this broken body.

Such beauty, such wonder.
Infinite splendor
and the priceless pearl
in this broken world of dirtiness.
Thank you now and forever.

Fear!

Loathing!

Excitement!

Yes Nanowrimo!

=D

I am starting to have second thoughts about being a mentor...I already have four victi-er...charges I have agreed to help make it through to the 50k finish line.

Oh dear.

This shall be interesting. ^_^

Internet rage over pie and plagiarism:

I'm just trying to imagine how different this would have been if a cat would have been in danger and 4Chan got pulled into all of this:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=131091599&sc=fb&cc=fp

So it turns out loud eating is one of my biggest pet peeves.
I swear I am going to have a bloody aneurysm before all is said and done.

I can't believe I just spent fifteen minutes trying to figure out how to spell "icicle".

-_-

You know...despite me tendency towards the negative...

It really isn't all so bad.
Just so much to do...so little time.
It is far too easy to become overwhelmed...to be needlessly lost on things that never will matter.

I'm feeling so disconnected.
The harder I try the worse it all gets.
I am so tired of being sick.
How long will this existence bathed in twilight will last?

Sometimes it just doesn't even seem worth it...to even ask why.

Then there are moments that without a doubt divine...like in Drama Production yesterday afternoon. With all the hell building up in my life...that was such an unexpected movement of prayer.

What is the point?
I feel so...
How do I trust anyone?
Will the questions ever fade?

I don't want to let anyone close, I do not want to let anyone with the name of Christian near me because I have been betrayed and turned on by almost all of them.

It is almost as if none of them are aware of the irony of wearing the name of Christ and yet being nothing more than baseless animals beneath the shined up and polished exterior.


But the thing is...I can't point the finger.
I am guilty of the same sins and more.

It's like all I am qualified to really do is hypocrisy.

Maybe...I will one day be able to slide out of this impossibly think cynical skin and be able to act as though I am in my mid twenties and not my eighties.
Being ahead of the curve is only good if it leads to something positive....being perpetually exhausted, burned out and seemingly on the verge of collapse helps no one...

It's just...

I think I just felt my mind explode. #_#

So many thoughts.
So many irrelevant.
I am tired too.

Positive thinking really isn't too far off though...

Dreams?
What are those?

At some point...there was this...
It was like...
Where are my words?
What did it look like?
How can I begin to paint it for you?

"Where there is no vision , the people perish; but he who keeps the law-blessed is he."
-Proverbs 28:18

I'm sure at some point it was different...
Sure, I will never be accused of being the poster child for optimism...but for some reason and someway it just seems that things...

There is every reason not to do the right thing.
In the world there is every excuse, every means and carte blanche excuse for every and anything under the sun that can lead to over saturation and addiction...


Do any of us really see our blindsides?
See our blatant hypocrisies?
Those sins we harbor and encourage, growing to our own perverse delight?

Is despair itself a sin?
Or is it one only after it becomes a sacred idol, a defining way of life?

I have to work all of this out...it's not just a school problem or an existential crisis...but it is finding myself, finding my work again...finding why I bother at all.

Waking up, breathing, taking care of myself just to do it...just because is not enough. I have to struggle to find some sort of vague echo of life, of health and peace.

I am much too tired to be self sacrificing and to pretend I care about everyone and everything right now...

Is it okay to be honest, even when it leads to pain?
Leads to looking at this slow downward spiral and see it for what it truly is?

I go from feeling nothing, to everything and back to feeling nothing at all...just vague pieces of dust blowing around in this cosmic wind...

I know there are good things, wonderful and beautiful...but I don't know if I was made for them...really made for this world...nothing ever makes sense...and it feels as if my body is continually trying to reject it...reject me...reject everything around here...

Small and stupid words and wonders of these worlds...

Plastic smiles are expected all the same.
Answers or not, truth or fiction...simply being...

Fading away, is it okay?
Is it really the truth?
I just...

Must I choose between everything and nothing?
My normality is so different from everyone else...all these large and impossible things...floating, spinning...growing, crashing, colliding...shaping, reshaping, form and defining themselves in such vivid means...

I just...

Too weary for battle or digging deeper.
I can breath, I can drink tea and I am alive.
I am so grateful for that right now.

Sometimes...my thoughts terrify me.
I don't like where they lead...where they go...

Sometimes I fear the best thing I could do for everyone around me...is to vanish, run and flee away from everything and everyone I love.

People love me, adore me, praise me, help me, take care of me...and still, they...they do not see the darkness hiding beneath the bumbling fool I desperately try to be.

Just so no one...no one will see the evil I am.

Yay!

Elated hypocrisy!

Courting with disaster seems to be my almost essential day to day job.

I forgot how nice the cold comfort of apathy can be.

I just don't even know why I bothered...

It is sort of funny...but I am in a place where I really am not feeling attraction to any female or any remote desire for a relationship...it's been this way since August...so strange but so wonderful.

I honesty don't know if I have ever gone this long with out at least feeling some sort of crush...since what...maybe second grade and liking A.T.?

Oh so silly...and that was something like an eight year crush or something.

I really am starting to understand why the Catholic church forbids priests and other leaders from marrying. It is easier to uproot your life in obedience to God and follow when you don't have such silly things tying you down.

Maybe some people can be redeemed and find meaning in marriage and starting a family...but with my genes, my genetics...that route seems like a damnation rather than a salvation.

Me...a husband...a father?
I don't think I possess the faculties to dream of something like that...much less if it ever became a reality.

I can't take care of myself...I suppose like The Doctor said, "I'm rubbish at weddings, especially my own."

I suppose that could also qualify for funerals as well.

Quote of the Day:

“The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays.”
-Soren Kierkegaard

Proverbs 28

"When the godly succeed, everyone is glad.
When the wicked take charge, people go into hiding.

People who conceal their sins will not prosper,
but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy.

Blessed are those who fear to do wrong,
but the stubborn are headed for serious trouble."
-Proverbs 28:12-14


I'm a swirl, a vortex of emotion coming down off of the high of wanting...needing and begging to understand.

But life isn't about if I understand...but if I love like You love, right?

I just...
I really wish things could be more simple...just be able to breath and relax and not worry so much...worrying about everything and nothing...

What is the right thing to do?
What path is righteous?

You see everything so there is not point to conceal who I am...I am just open and bare before you...you see into me and know everything there is...

I'm not praying to change you...but the hope I can be changed.

The hope I can hold on and not fall to the pain inside of me...but to open up and let the hope carry me...let Your love carry me...because You are all I have...now and forever.

"I've become impossible
holding on to when
when everything seemed to matter more
the two of us
all used and beaten up
watching fate as it flows down the path we
have chose

you and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
if the world should break in two
until the very end of me
until the very end of you

awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin
they pick and they pull
trying to get their fingers in
well they've got to kill what we've found
well they've got to hate what they fear
well they've got to make it go away
well they've got to make it disappear

the farther I fall I'm beside you
as lost as I get I will find you
the deeper the wound I'm inside you
for ever and ever I'm a part of"

The sad part?

I actually wasted my time sincerely offering help.

Nice guys don't finish last, they tend not to finish at all.

It may be because of the aneurysms.

Social drama?

Not to fear!

I'll just narcotize myself with video games, mountain dew and tea...yes...THAT will fix everything.

Now...to get my sarcasm button unstuck...

One of the manifold problems of attempting to play hero all the time is that you end up in a position where...oh it's just silly to say it...or try anything...or do...

It is just...

It is life.

I think I am stuck there with that thought.

God I hate feeling sick...I hate feeling as well...

*sighs*

Fine.

I'm a Ravenclaw.

I'll give up fighting it already.

Stupid know it all Sorting Hats... ~_~

http://www.hexrpg.com/userinfo/Nintene

Proverbs 26

"Smooth[a] words may hide a wicked heart,
just as a pretty glaze covers a clay pot.

People may cover their hatred with pleasant words,
but they’re deceiving you.
They pretend to be kind, but don’t believe them.
Their hearts are full of many evils.
While their hatred may be concealed by trickery,
their wrongdoing will be exposed in public."
-Proverbs 26:23-26

What is the point of my many words?
Slippery slopes of sin, malevolent tapestries woven will such ill intention...
...and what shall I do?
What can I do?

All of these circles, all of this pain...

How can I know who to trust?
It feels as if...exposing myself to any at all is foolhardy because I know how it will end...

Not today or tomorrow...but so few things can last long through time...


Even with all of my doubts and sins piled so high, I pray for grace, forgiveness...hope...you know?

Hope that my failures, my mistakes will not define me from here and throughout eternity...hope I can be washed clean, made new and so I can become more of who you made me to be...

So much hope, so much beauty, so much of everything...it is overwhelming.
I don't want to lie to people, lead them on...treat them like I have been in the past...

It is so easy to hide within pain and shame...but what can I do?
How can I grow and be an adult?

Father, Lover, Lord, King, Master...so many titles, so many ways of expressing You and yet none are sufficient...so many ways, so many ways...

Take my hand, take my life and never let me walk away.
Never let me loose hope in waiting,
renew me everyday so I can breath.
Put a new life in this shell
and teach me how to sing.

Carry me away
to distant lands
and unknown shores.

Renew me
and please never remove Your Holy Spirit from me.
The last thing I deserve is comfort
or peace
but I throw myself before this throne
not know what else to do
except pray,
pray for hope everlasting
and love overflowing.