*sigh*

Yeah.
I really, really, REALLY just want to punch myself in the face right now.
I could go for one of those weird existential 'Fight Club' moments where I find out Brad Pitt is my alter ego and we fight each other to the death in a skyscraper.

That would make the most logical end to most of this.

I feel like a mix between "Creep" by Radiohead and "Losing My Religion" by REM.

And...music for the soul.
Prayers for the lonely and hopeful.
Regret that life has manifested as it has.

I just want perfection in a broken world.
Is that too much to ask?

I wonder if I will ever have a vision...a large vision for the world again.
When I was a teenager I felt I could do more than I could ever see...that I could touch the world and see some real change.

I'm fighting to ward off bitterness and not feel just consumed with the negative.

Please...please...revive these dry bones.
Revive this soul.
Help me to love and not hate.
Please...please...don't leave me here.
Make me new, renew Your love again.
Teach me to speak and sing anew.
God I need compassion and love in my soul.
I am so dry, so needy...God I am so needy.

I want to go where the streets have no name.
Where religion isn't bound to culture and people are free to breath and to believe.

I want to feel Your heartbeat next to mine
and I just want to get lost here.
Today and tonight.
Whatever may be and be.

Quote of the day:

“Because I remember, I despair. Because I remember, I have the duty to reject despair.”
-Elie Wiesel

"Red light, grey morning
You stumble out of a hole in the ground
A vampire or a victim
It depends on who's around
You used to stay up to watch the adverts
You could lip-synch to the talk shows
And if you look, you look through me
And when you talk it's not to me
And when I touch you, you don't feel a thing

If I could stay, then the night would give you up
Stay, and the day would keep its trust
Stay, and the night would be enough

Faraway, so close up with the static and the radio
With satellite television you can go anywhere
Miami, New Orleans, London, Belfast and Berlin

And if you listen I can't call
And if you jump, you just might fall
And if you shout, I'll only hear you
If I could stay then the night would give you up
Stay then the day would keep its trust
Stay with the demons you drowned
Stay with the spirit I found
Stay and the night would be enough

Three o'clock in the morning
It's quiet and there's no one around
Just the bang and the clatter as an angel runs to ground"

Of course.
More pain.
*sigh*

Why was I born again?

"I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"

I exerted more effort than I personally cared to at this date and time.
I will sleep well tonight.
Goodnight world.

"You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
And my shame
All my shame
You know I believe it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for"

I hate when I dream.
Things are far too vivid...I never know if it's real or not...even after waking up.

I just...

Ack.
Argh.
Bleh.
Mefgh.
Pain.

...in hindsight I really wish youtube would have chosen a different picture to show for the trailer.

Oh well.

>_>

Amazing Movie Trailer

God I don't want to dream about her again...I want the past to stay dead.
The last thing I need is more memories being ripped out of the grave.

Quote of the Day:

“If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this.”
-C.S. Lewis

Note to self:

Stop taking what people say at face value.
Assume they are lying.
It may be for their benefit or for yours but the surest thing is that they are lying.

Ack...people frustrate me endlessly.
Seriously...I just wish they would decide upon what they want and if it doesn't involve me they can just piss off.

I have enough problems without dealing with high school level drama.

If a friendship is a friendship...good...but I have no desire to be a road bump people can back up over just for when they need an ego boost or to feel good about themselves. I have too much self respect to keep getting treated like this.

I am a human being.
I have feelings.
I deserve better than this second rate crap.

Gee...that feels better to type it out.
I also deserve more Swedish Fish, Candy Corn and Jelly Belly Jelly Beans!
Wooo!

Meh...whatever.

I think I may honestly start screaming if this pain gets much worse.

A breath of air at a new dawn.

"far away in distant skies
i see starlight in your eyes
do you think of miracles
are they only dreams for fools
she's the one who haunts my dreams at night
underneath the bluest moon
she makes hearts skip beats in triplets
the brightest light in any room

she hits the mark
the kindled spark
but i'll just drag her down"

*sigh*

Of course my dreams would be about THAT...

As if real life wasn't bad enough.
I thought I was getting over that...

Quote of the Day:

"None of us has ever seen a motive. Therefore, we don't know and we can't do anything more than suspect what inspires the action of another. For this good and valid reason, we're told not to judge. Tragedy is that our attention centers on what people are not, rather than on what they are and who they might become."
— Brennan Manning

Ack.
I feel like death.

But I can and will still smile.
The pain will not rob me of this joy...


"Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed

Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"

The Baffling Nature of Want

People do not know what they need, much less what they deepest desires mean.

We all have these...things...inside of us, telling us what to do, dictating our direction, trying to convince us of what is right...wrong...acceptable...repulsive...and so on and so forth.

Love.
Hate.
Desire.
Need.
Morals.

All of these things.
We impress our feelings, emotions, thoughts, needs, desires, understanding of actions onto other people and get horribly offended when they do not realize or catch onto what WE want.

We expect people to play to our standards.
Our wants.
Our demands.
It's natural and what we expect of life because we are constantly immersed in the illusion that the world centers around ourselves. It can be assumed that the sociopaths among us did not learn as they grew up from childhood that their perspective is not the only in the world.

It is a struggle to find that balance of realizing we are not alone.
Both in the mundane and divine sense.

It is ridiculous and surreal...we are human and created in such an odd sense.
But here we are...to deal with the awkwardness of being human...of breathing, living, dying and trying to figure our just who we are, what we are doing, where we are going...it's a large and confusing circle that tends to make very little sense.

Which is why we get so upset when people do not understand what we mean by God, love, truth, living, compassion and actual honest to goodness bothering to show respect towards other human beings.

Being Here

This broken tomb is fading
yeah, just rotting from the inside out
and here I am
just waiting,
waiting to feel You here.

Feel the breeze push back my hair
and feel the fire singe my clothes
as You pass by.
I want to see You
and feel You pass by.
Feel the world break
and this realm shake
as Your presence comes near.

I want to be like Elijah
and know You have come
by the gentle whisper on the breeze
that would say 'peace be still'
to calm the raging seas
that rip apart my heart
and I want to see
what it means
to be loved.