Dichotomy

Split into partitions we wait,
time making fools of us
just as the sand is passing by
drawing life's breath to abate.

Redundantly the lines cross
falling out of space
just as it is out of time
removing abstracts
and stranding you
with the concrete.

It is the mechanics,
the gears twisting
as the servos click and turn
making this circular madness
into something all too real,
too caustic for emotion
but unavoidable
because of bare flesh.

Wasting away
as only this one can,
just hold out for the night
and pray the resolution
is less a revolution
and just a little something
with more peace,
where the night may end
after the day has passed.
And all that will ever be may be
and the day may pass
into the dark reaches of peace.

Oie...time for a job interview... >_<

Here goes everything and nothing!

Huzzah!

Well esteemed...

Quote of the Day:

"They shall have stars at elbow and foot/ Though they go mad they shall be sane/ Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again/ Though lovers be lost love shall not/ And death shall have no dominion."
-Dylan Thomas

"But what wisdom is there within us
To live based on the feeling of our hearts
How many times has instinct let us down
Never to be thought through
Never to be questioned
Say what you really mean
When your ambition calls you
For what use is there in praying
If you will only hear what you want to hear?"

It is morning.

Yes.

It is.

Being around a group of people...being able to connect...to be a center of attention and make people laugh...almost never do I feel more alive and afterward never do I feel so empty and certain of my own futility and irrelevance.

At least I found out the cafeteria is open until midnight these days and the calzone I ate was flipping awesome.

It is so utterly bizarre to have a study group in my room right now. O_O
There shouldn't be THIS many people here...it is...

...strange.

Yes.

"The sunlight is fading,
the longest shadows have been cast.
Like songs from a siren,
hurricanes from the past.
And I am a failure,
defeated every time,
so let me lie here,
a sidewalk for a shrine.

I am so lonely,
they say you were lonely too.
dear God be my savior,
I wait for you."

I am sure it is merely my vanity of vanities that seeks to find resonance between the life of Kierkegaard and myself...but surely the parallels are not just the blossoms of my overactive imagination.

Quote of the Day:

“I seem forsaken and alone, / I hear the lion roar; / And every door is shut but one, / And that is Mercy's door.”
-William Cowper

Oh thundering rain...fall down and wash away...wash away this headache and confusing state of being.

I really do not like...

I am feeling so...worn out with life...and just hearing the same words and phrases again and again.

After a while the words start to loose their meaning.

It could be about Jesus or sex.

I'm just sick of words loosing their meaning and me having to hear it...again and again. Something sacred should be treated as thus...and it's just so irritating to hear the same words...again and again.

Stupid!
Stupid!
Stupid!
Stupid!
Stupid!
Stupid!
STUPID!

I'm feeling lost in this...lost here and being within the boundaries of love and falling in and out because of You.
Chasing...running...falling again and again.
Just to find the answer...here and there...
...there and here.
Is it really coloring outside the lines
if it means getting lost in You?

I forgot that I was ahead about being behind when I quit.
Just needed to jot that down somewhere for future reference.

So tired...so much pain...so alone... =/

And now...a migraine.

Jesus...seriously?

Did I do something to make this the weekend from Hell?

Free to Run, Free to Feel, Free to See

You know...I'm not even sure what I would have done if things would have worked out 'perfectly'.

More than likely just panic, freak out and screw things up like I normally do.

Providence rarely makes sense from a finite perspective.

But there is the need to hope that...all of this will be okay...


I long to see fields of flowers
and feel the warm breeze on my face.
I remember when we were kids,
free to run through woods
and to play carefree.

Time was just a friend,
the seconds ticking away
until we could play
and imagine a new life
free of all pain.

Adventures anew
with every day
and I just long
to feel the freedom
that comes with faith
and belief in friends.

I just wish I could see you
and know it wasn't just dreams
conducting me on this path
but the words are so true
even when my faith is weak
and I need to be healed.

I just want to take you by the hand
and show you this childhood memory.
Tales of dragons and elves,
of good winning over evil
and the hope that this make believe
can one day be true.

Senseless frustration because I cannot let go and simply just adapt to the changing streams of life.

Being able to do everything except what I feel I want to do the most is perhaps the single most frustrating thing I have felt in recent memory.

Outside of the whole feeling like death thing.

That is slightly irksome.

"I Surrender All" - Newsboys

"When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of Glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride

See from his head, his hands, his feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did ever such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown

O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
All who gather here by grace draw near and bless
Your name

Were the whole realm of nature mine
That were an offering far too small
Love so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all"

I know it is wrong to despair...but I am hurting so badly right now.
My body hates me and vice versa...

This reminds me so much of China...incredible pain and feeling so far away from everything and everyone...

Father help me to speak praises instead of curses, I want to scream until my throat goes numb and I can pass out from the pain...I don't understand why I have to hurt so much...it just feels like fire is inside my body burning me.

Please give me some measure of relief?
I understand me being alone...I'm accepting that...but do I have to suffer in my body as well? My spirit is broken and the shell it resides in is just a few steps away...

Carpenter, what is it you want of me?