"You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah"

My Own Price

Apathy kill my heart,
indulge me as I indulge you.
Just take me and make me
everything I'm not
and everything I can't be
just so I can feel the feelings
of cutting inside
and having my heart bleed.

Make me live so strong
that the flame expands
filling every crevice
as the time passes
within and the ebb catches
and carries us all.

Things are such a convoluted mess of things in my head...plus I'm running a fever again...ack...

I need a nap.

Or silence.

Maybe a cold bath too.

I think I'm getting sick again... =/

Um...my mind has just been blown.

Turns out I've known a good songwriter for a while.

Still has nothing on mine though!

White Washed Soul

Why are you here tonight?
Go.
Go far, far away,
Back to the nether from which you were spawned.
Neither hope or longing
you are merely despair wrapped in clothing
and never a hope's own dawning.

Flee.
Walk or limp while you still can
while my cares are meaningless
just like these contrived verses
as I hope to spell out
what only poetry every can.

Aching and longing
mixed with hope
but not for this
or anything in your realm
or the orbit of your persona
just a mild case of bliss
and of laying here moaning
longing for the day this pain
and every split nerve ends
along with this monotonous
dialogue
of conversing
with this blank wall.

Observation of the Day:

When someone reaches the point of eating a piece of cake spitefully it is safe to admit that something might possibly be wrong.

Quote of the Day:

“We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe.”
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Flowing Red, Painted Pictographs

My soul lays open
dissected and flayed
on display as a cheap gimmick,
just like the cheap grace
I throw back
and act as though is was mine
in this first and primary place.

Every beat of this degenerate heart
is a beat so much closer
to be captured in Your hand
and the act of a final divorce
from this land of waking death.

Vagrant and degenerate
this heart wonders as it wanders
and I'm brought back to silence,
at the ineptitude of man and machine
as I try to find where I belong.

I just want this beat to end
and this song to finish
so I can wake to find
this eternal end to eternal grays
and the everlasting sunlight painted
in such a way only You can.

"The Day the Whole World Went Away (Quiet Remix)" - Nine Inch Nails

I'm so tired of people and the yelling.

I'm going to just stop making excuses and just stop caring. Damn these people and their lack of empathy and caring about other people.

I'm tired, I ache, I hate food...bleharg.

Food poisoning.

Joy.

My body simply hates me.

Oie.

Nothing now.

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."
-C.S. Lewis

I should stop beating this dead horse before the thing becomes a zombie horse, gets up and tries to take a chunk off my foot for kicking it so much.

After last night...I have some serious doubts about people lodged in my head now...I don't want to be rude...and I hope this doesn't hurt or offend...I just...

I'm not sure I trust anyone now.
That revelation was a bit too much for my mind...
I just...
I doubt I can phrase it into words.
Or make logical sense.

My failure was in putting faith in frail humans.
That is my sin.
I continue to trust and invest my heart and it will continue to be ripped to shreds because it has no cover.
I do not know how to protect it because all I know is to give myself as genuinely as I can.

And that is part of my sin.
Part of the punishment I deserve for my weakness.
How can I...
Why should...
Is it...plausible...when...

It is all half formed thoughts.
Poorly phrased.
Pain induced.

I go up so high and come crashing down so low.
Sometimes...some days...
Just...

Oh God.
Pain.
Again.
Oh geez.
Why?
Oie.

Christmas decorating...garland...trees...heavy boxes....oh geeez...#_#

And...worry and stress are stopping me from taking my nap.

Bah.

You know...these...and the whys.
Help...please?
Help them...her and her and him...and them...every last one.
Only You can.
Please.

And home again.
With an eccentric cat by my side.
I feel I have conquered a mountain.
But today will be long.
A short nap and then exercise.
Some Christmas decorations and then more writing.
Oh I how I long to see Your face...

And now...back home.

"You.
Are.
So.
Beautiful.
Tonight.

In this city,
this city of blinding lights."

"World Without End" - Five Iron Frenzy

Half Way

This novel in a month idea grows more insane every time I do it.

I'm halfway through the word quota minimum and it has never has happened this early in the month before. I'm not sure how I feel about the plot or the story...but things are starting to take off in ways. Being able to throw random characters, chunks of plot and random dialogue on these pages and seeing some sort of semblance of order take shape is always startling.

So far I have written 25,028 words which roughly equals out to forty-six pages single spaced. All in just under fourteen days.

Wow.

Some of it is the crappiest writing I have ever done but more than a few scenes have shocked me at how good they turned out.

I think I'm going to be able to hit the 50k mark early and pressed beyond it by maybe 5-15k and I have the hope that I may be able to salvage a good part of this book for later use. This has been such an incredible month.

My health has been up and down like crazy, my stress levels have been through the roof...but my best friends have been there holding me up and cheering me on. They have been questioning every major decision to make sure I'm doing what I need to be doing...and I just want you to know I appreciate it.

Getting phone calls and emails asking about my word count, asking how the school search is going...and then encouraging me along the path and letting me know that I'm on the right path. That is something I have needed...just right words at the right time and they go a long way.

The idea of me doing something not just for the right reasons in a high moral sense...but also because it will make me happy is an idea I'm still trying to wrap my mind around. It feels sort of selfishly indulgent...but as 'fun' as senselessly berating myself is...actually taking the time to find our who I am, where I am going...and how I can learn to be more effective with the gifts I've been given...well sometimes taking a proactive step forward is the best thing one can do at any given moment.

I can never stay on focus while writing because I have too many thoughts coming out at once...but I think I'm heading in a right direction...it's not something I can really claim credit for. I'm just a sort of lanky vagabond bumbling my way around and Jesus keeps filling in the gaps of my path so I don't plummet completely off this world.

I'm going to keep writing until the day the pen falls out of my hand.
I'm going to keep learning until my eyes fall closed for the last time.
I'm going to keep speaking until my voice is forever gone.

The most any of us can do is follow our conscious and the convictions painted on our hearts by the Divine Lover and throw everything on the line in the name of love and lay our lives down for one another.

"But remember the root command: Love one another."
-John 15:17


"Are you crawling through the dismal?
Gray of nothing,
frostbite kills.
Does this world make light of weaving,
shrouds to bury,
graves to fill?
I am just a kindred spirit,
a runner who is running still.
Welcome to the longest mile,
the most costly thing you'll ever hold,
wonderful is the journey,
the greatest story ever told.

All my dreams are slowly dying.
I can count my years in scars.
The only One that's never left me,
has carried me so very far.
I've heard it said that He wastes nothing,
so beautiful to behold,
the Author of my hope is writing,
the greatest story ever told."
-Five Iron Frenzy, "The Greatest Story Ever Told"

"Rejoice" - U2