Holden Caulfield, you are my hero.

I've lost the feeling...yeah lost the reason.
It's floating above and being lost behind
Faltered at seeing and believing.

Things aren't the same as before
As they never will.
Never could, would they?
Lips sealed shut with regret

Thank you for not turning your back on me...I need help to be able to keep hanging on...much less if I am ever going to claw my way back up there. You know?

So yeah...hey.

Nothing new to report...some strong possible leads on an apartment...the only real concern is money and day to day survival...nothing extraordinary I suppose.

I would like to go for sure but there is starting to creep in some doubts. I am not sure how much longer I will be able to walk forward and move with a purpose.

I miss how close we have been, even yesterday was something real...now I feel doubts as much as I feel the waves of nausea course through me. I wish throwing up would bring real results, would allow me to.

I need something more real then this...how can I actually get back into it all?

This doesn't feel real, right or the way to go. It seems impossible people are able to go this way their whole live when every moment of every day is going by faster and faster...eating away their existence.

Biological and spiritual lives entwined...

You know, just thinking about how I said that so casually and with so little real intent makes the bile rise up in my throat.

Being a hypocrite never seemed so easy or just looked so damned sexy.

I'm exhausted yet I cannot sleep.

These thoughts refuse to leave my mind.

Could you please consider giving me some relief?

Sometime? Anything? Possibly?

Now is supposed to be the best time? Then how come it is far from that?

How do I seize something that is not there?

It frustrates me that I run screaming from the thing that which I desire more.

Please help me out here.

Love is so hard. I struggle with wanting to hate it and wanting to run away from it.

The last thing I desire is you or your love, I wish i could just hide under the rocks and keep away from yoru perfection and from your creation.

It hurts to much.

I don't want to come off as sounding selfish,a jerk or ungrateful but Jesus, would you mind helping me not feel like death frozen over and then thawed out? Please?

Just a Moment, Really

Where would I be without you and hyperbole?
The exaggeration I need to soothe my soul.
Pretending like all is well
Generating a plastic smile
Molding out your perfect life

It's every small thing
Bringing me back
It's every little thing
Ringing in my ears

If time were your friend
we wouldn't see the cracks
Hear the bones snap
Watching you break your back
As you carry out the act of a life

Seeing you live life so well
Pouring out a plastic smile
Molding out every perfect little lie

If I wasn't so sure it was hate
I would begin to think I love you
Just as much as I stare into me
While dreaming of Narcissa
Didn't you know love was true?
That you only needed open the gate
Free your heart and let it be?

When I think of you are and where I am there is the rising taste of bile in my mouth. So little matters.

Only you.

Morning Soul Rush

The deepest platitudes run empty
As they crash in waves upon distant shores
Trite in sight in sound and day
They proceed hollow voices crying
That ask upon themselves simply more

Sweetest sunlight rays softly fly
Fleeing sources as they die

Steadily consistently inconsistent structure flaws
Abide and abode
Produce razor sharp wit that sinks its claws
Inside and out

Inside or out
Live or die
Process reprocessed
Time reflected in shadow
The walls


** ** **

I could never be arrogant enough to suggest that it is just the world that has problems...the world is merely a mixture of organic life with the decayed old...it is myself that possess the ability to make choices that will govern the destiny of those around. It is the self that contains all of the salvation and hatred that spills into the world.

Every beaten breath, every life scathed by the falling rain can be seen within and without. Every being, every one, everything...everything retains a purpose greater then that which we will or can understand. Ambiguous in mystery, powerful in taste...strengthening personal resolve.

There is will, there is more, there is something deeper in and all.

The deeper problems in me are what will lead to the greater destruction without. White washed tombs offer no salvation...offer no hope. The death inside must slowly and painfully be removed piece by piece. With out the hope there is no life.

Distance is More

Our distance is the everything
We don't know what could be
But by dark light
Luminous times
We move in sync
One tempo
One love
Day by day
Night in night
We take that step closer
Love

To You

Grey Clouds.
Hazy Rain.
Distant Melancholia.

The desire to tell you everything else,
the thoughts working in my mind
that have been my whole life.

Nothing you say has meaning
Outside of the lies
The broken promise of yesteryear
The feeling inside your mind
Exposed in broken tubes
Spilling red fires

I wish I could say good bye to saying goodbye
But your memory never leaves me
It haunts my dreams and my waking breath
That you are ever a part of me
But That i was just a part of you

On and on in dreams
Ever will never be
On and on in dreams
Love can't always see
To light the path
To always be

Pigs and Pearls

Throwing pearls to swine, stomping and eating the trash you vomit.
God save me from this Hell I'm in.
The stench, the sweat, the pain

Swine eating
Swine spinning
Swine defecating
Vomit and reject,
Hate the world within

The lie we spin so we sleep at night
Coupled with fire we burn within
Stoked by our ego
Kept by fading youth
Malicious we grin
As we feast on our kin

Pearls to swine
Nothing left to loose
Every game we played we played for you
Every knife in every back
The knots we twist into lies
The rotten stench of death
Breeding the swarming flies

I think it is safe to say that I have never felt this way before...this level of oddness...being so tired and unable to sleep....this desire to run away from it all.

It builds up after a while and I just wish I could get away from everything and everyone. I feel suffocated and unable to breath.

It does matter and with that thought I wish a certain few would listen or maybe just open their eyes long enough to see outside of themselves. Including myself.

I would ask why am I so stupid but I think we already know that answer. I don't suppose You could offer a little help right about now? Guidance too?

God, why am I such an idiot?

Another Cat Picture

Enter the ICHC online Poker Cats Contest!

New poems tomorrow...I hope.

Slowly Walking

While I walk along these roads of life would you please guide me? Light my way and help me to see past the darkness of my downcast spirit. Help me to walk this narrow path and keep my balance. Help me to see past my own broken nature and my broken ways that can never be mended by human hands?

Would you keep me near so I can feel your warmth on my soul, keep me closer then the world and show me the passion of your heart that bleeds into the depth of the soul you crafted?

Be mine, let me be yours.
Be mine and forever yours.

Night Try

You, you said I was too imature
My music collection too

Was it so hard to see the difference
The smiles and the lies
The long burning day
The soft frozen night
To see the difference of a life
Building a world of our own
The differences it made

The days we live
The nights we lie

Rich Mullins Quote:

"Jesus said whatever you do to the least of these my brothers you’ve done it to me. And this is what I’ve come to think. That if I want to identify fully with Jesus Christ, who I claim to be my savior and Lord, the best way that I can do that is to identify with the poor. This I know will go against the teachings of all the popular evangelical preachers. But they’re just wrong. They’re not bad, they’re just wrong. Christianity is not about building an absolutely secure little niche in the world where you can live with your perfect little wife and your perfect little children in a beautiful little house where you have no gays or minority groups anywhere near you. Christianity is about learning to love like Jesus loved and Jesus loved the poor and Jesus loved the broken."

Slightly Irksome

Having large portions of myself that can be shared with no one is irksome.

Hope shall rise.

Bad Timing

You simply have no idea how enraged I am this second, how much I hate and how much I despise your very existence.



Thank you so much for CARING enough to put such wonderful people for me to hate in my life. Thank you so much, where would I be without that PERFECT and FLAWLESS plan of yours?