Yeah it is another day but does that really mean a whole lot? After last night what do you plan on doing? Is there anything really worth saying or doing that will change anything?

You want real change, you want a genuine broken heart that will throw everything away?

I do not know why you would look at me or want to care but you have. Do not take me as being an ingrate but I wish things could be easier.

All the same, thank you.

Oie

Well, that was something. Now what?

What am I getting myself into?

I just felt the need to clarify that question for you.

Any response you know, would be good. You don't have to set anything on fire this time...I'm happy with a post it note.

I promise.

Note to self:

Short story involving person having a conversation with their personal demons. A whole book of collection of short stories type thing, in the vain of Screwtape Letters as it were.

Personal demons in the sense of some tangible spirtual entity. Not cheesy in the sense of a script reject for The Exorcist XII but in the sense of something Biblical, ala Legion and 'The Strongman'. Real personal problems induced by physical, emotional, spirtual pain as well as the day to day living in this world.

Two layers of exsistance physical and spirtual.

A gradual change of focus off the self and more of the general self problems.

Two Quotes of What is To Come:

"The best way to drive out the devil, if he will not yield to texts of Scripture, is to jeer and flout him, for he cannot bear scorn"
-Martin Luther

"The devil ... the prowde spirite ... cannot endure to be mocked"
-Thomas More

I feel distant from you as I hear others talk about you. It seems like a lot of people have no clue about who you really are. If anythign those who would proudly claim the title of 'Lost' know you better then the arrogant who speak your name so loudly but have never met you.

I feel like a jerk for judging them but I find it hard not to come to conclusions, much less negative ones. What is my role in dealing with the people? Saying Jesus loves them means as much as saying I am a large can of lemon Jello. You say that you call people to you, why do you not call more, why are those I see only moving further away? How much of it is you? How much of it should be me?

Why am I so far from you?

I wish I could sleep and be free of so much of life and this. I hate the thoughts that run through my mind...passions and desires for artistic expression but it seems like I can never make any of them be what they should be, you know? I'm tired of feeling needs for addictions. Certain people could move out of my life and I know it would hurt but it would be something.

My mind is fuzzy.

Please stay near me for in this moment only you know how desperately I wish to flee. No words I could speak will free the world of the pain it is in. I have fallen in love with my own voice and cannot command my own respect as I order these rocks to move.

The only thing I have to give is my heart and still that could never be enough. I cannot even believe these words I type because I know the place they flow out of...how little truth resides in this soul. Everything begins with 'I' and the only thoughts I give to others is whatever leftovers I have.

I am sick to death from the rotten taste of religion in my mouth and stomach. I want to throw up and be purged of this infection within me.

Hypocrisy in the beginning and in the end. It's not bad enough that I indulge my every desire but then I come crawling back to you begging for a piece of grace. Like you were nothing more then a cheap prostitute and your grace nothing more then a 'trick'.

You say again and again that you just want love, to love me, to have me close to you and I refuse to believe it. If I am not busy being a narcissist in writing on here then I am busy gorging myself in every way I desire.

This is a train wreck.

Please do not forget about me being here. I am broken and unworthy but please send me too.



"Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Your's,
Only You can make every new day seem so new."

-Five Iron Frenzy, 'Every New Day'

I must admit things are much better then they would seem to be, based solely on my attitudes and actions that is.

The Magical Amount

Soul on Fire

Seven things to say
Several things to show
The broken and the poor
The fool’s old way
Seven things to say
The same broken way

Blood stained glass
Trickles of hope washed in red
A broken and bloody stain on your soul
You let the smile fade as you remember regret
Even with the past holding on your soul
Never look back
Never give back what you have

The bastardized child within not wanting to see
Daring you not to feel any, anymore

A litter not born
A few. Just a few more
The lies we embrace
To lend self adore

The unborn blood spilled
The defenseless cut open
Letting us get our feel
The need to be our gods
To play and deface all in our way

See us weep it out TV
The defenseless mindless automaton
Our greatest contribution is apathy
Our greatest kindness is how often
We kill each other out of glee
No laugh, no plea

We embrace death as an escape
To hide the mistake of our hate
Self emollition of the soul
The nerve it grates
Ripping across raw nerves
Shockwaves of our own decadence
Rotten treats and simple feats

Ninjitsu + Cats

moar funny pictures

I would desperately like to recapture the hope and feelings of the existence of something that could be called true love. Not the garbage of pointless lust and desire but honest to God head over heels love.

I know I am recapturing the love I have had before towards the Father...which is breath taking in and of itself. I had let religion cloud my mind and distract me from the fact that beyond this physical realm there is something deeper and more powerful then I could ever dream but at the same time my heart isn't whole, it is vastly incomplete.

I want to be able to desire love when all it feels I can do right now is smile and pretend that the idea of love doesn't scare me. I have always had trouble accepting who I am and where I am but it seems especially difficult now because of past experince.

There needs to be a clean break from myself and this renewal of my existence.

Not who I am or who I could be but becoming what I was destined to be.

I Would Like to Throw Up Now

Hmm I am still feeling sick.

I made the mistake of eating lunch and not being careful with what I eat and so now I am feeling quite nauseated. Preprocessed garbage does not sit well with a stomach that would die if hit by a weak breeze.


On the other hand, is it me or has their been an insane amount of school shootings the past few days? Well, not just school shootings but random street violence, shootings at government buildings and the like.

God, it is so screwed up. I mean, sure it is something you would expect when your life outlook is that humans in general are infected with a mindless compulsion for self serving...but at the same time it is horrible as it is horrifying.

When you look at ow life is I have trouble taking many things seriously. Heck, I have trouble wanting to get out of bed because of how screwed up things are. Change is needed but how much can happen when it is so little and so late in the day?

Plus the pain in my stomach.


There is some hope for being able to work on some projects I am interested in but bottom line I question the dedication of everyone involved, myself the most. I honestly feel like I am terrified of success at even the most trivial level.


Here is a random thought: Most of the mental and physical diseases we're all dying of here in the 'civilized' world seem to be absent in less developed areas of the world. Stuff like cancer, depression, rampant heart diseases and the like seem to be by products of the life styles we create for ourselves. Gorging on horrible food with no nutrition as well as not having stable families can potentially be seen as contributing factors to why things are so screwed up.

If you put processed garbage into your body that is what you become. It doesn't matter if it's empty calories, unhealthy fats, pornography, music by Green Day or any other various unhealthy product. There is a balance for food, sex and fun but without a balance the effects can be deadly.



Narcissism!
How could I forget that dear old friend? Where are my manners?
It makes me want to hold up a mirror to see,
to show off what the world may miss.
But quite frankly, I am not sure how much I really care.
It makes me sick to my stomach.

Meh

Words are sometimes not enough. Thoughts, emotions, feelings and the like for whatever reason go beyond the fumbling gestures of verbalized expression.

It would be very nice if one could simply state things the way they are but sadly life frowns upon such simplistic ways, seemingly at least.

So then, this is how it will be?

I cannot say I am ready but I want to get there. The desire of my very being rests in Your hands, nothing else can compare. Pass this life through the fire and the remainder will begin and end in You.

I do not know where it is exactly where we will go but I want to leave as soon as you are ready. Preparation, dedication, desire, will and the rest will walk hand in hand.

The time for being childish has passed away, the time I had for mourning the death of this world has long since past. The physical addictions will pass away but the one who is true will remain.

Please keep beside me and do not leave.

It is interesting but you never really fight with someone unless you love them.

It is odd but as often as my relationship with Jesus is punctured with yelling, swearing, kicking of chairs and crying...it has never been better. Granted, the sooner I stop acting like a child the better things will be...but brutal honesty is something I hold dear.

Please wake me up.

Wake Up Dead Man

AFK

moar funny pictures

Rage, seething rage.

All I Want is You

Right now I am tired. I don't know if it is being sick, new jobs, stress, my life coming to an unexpected climax...maybe all of it but I am tired to my soul. It feels like I am almost sub human, that a part of myself has been lost in just trying to live life.

I'm fighting to keep my eyes focused and my mind working but it is hard right now. It is hard because I feel sick and this great distance exists between us. It is an incredibly difficult pain to have two hearts long for each other but to be separated by an impassible gulf, to know you but to still be looking for you at the end of the day...the fact we talk but at the end of the day things feel so cold.

I used to want a lot of things, a lot of shallow and stupid things that would have never made me happy in the first place. I can loose my band for good, loose my ability to write, forget who I am and as long as I have you I feel safe. If the last redeemable part of me died and you still stood by me I could go on forever.

I need nothing more.

It is really confusing because when I think a lot of it is done in emotions...aspects of comfort and discomfort, liking and disliking...so on and so on. I have such high mountains and low valleys, my emotions and thoughts traverse the entire world of emotion in seconds...it makes things harder to understand and comprehend.

I wish all of this could just be washed away. I am never going to be happy with what I have because I need more. I need more then any of these know, there is absolutely nothing that can make me happier beyond a fleeting second. They try hard and I appreciate the love when it is sincere but it is a fleeting wind that will go as soon as the sun dies.

That is why i need you. No one understands me, no one can understand me like you do. The words we speak, the feelings we feel, the infinite reach of your hand is more real to me then the cold green slips of paper this world loves to dance around. I see a need for your loving embrace while I do not think loosing the green paper would be such a tragedy anyways.

Can we have some degree of resolution? I think it may help me sleep at night. I know you promise to one day never leave it is the distance right now that is seriously killing me.

Interacting with people on a personal and deep level tends to frighten me the days I stop and think about it. So many thoughts and desires play through my mind and it makes me nauseous simply because I cannot keep track of so many items. You would possibly think that just making a decision to act would be easier then being caught in the lights of the self deprecating doubt but then again wouldn't it just be as easy to shoot up heroin to find relief too?

I know there right decisions to be made it is just hard to see the long range effect of some of the decisions. We can dance around this all day but at the end of the day I have no real clue of who you are or why you love me, why you even want to love me...but it in a way is okay. I am trying to learn to accept things but could you please come back, please?

Not for the first time I have to ask why...ask how long...say that I do not understand.

For what little it is sincerely worth, I love you.

This past Sunday's message

http://www.brookhills.org/media/files_videocast/080127.mov

All I'm going to say, ALL that I am going to say to you right now, about that one particular subject is this:

COME ON MAN! Did you not read that? Did you not hear those words? What am I supposed to do with that? Do with this?

I am more then slightly certain I am constructing a mountain from a mole hill but geez, you have to admit IT IS COMPELLING. Right?

A Word

Next Jesus was taken into the wild by the Spirit for the Test. The Devil was ready to give it. Jesus prepared for the Test by fasting forty days and forty nights. That left him, of course, in a state of extreme hunger, which the Devil took advantage of in the first test: "Since you are God's Son, speak the word that will turn these stones into loaves of bread."

Jesus answered by quoting Deuteronomy: "It takes more than bread to stay alive. It takes a steady stream of words from God's mouth."

For the second test the Devil took him to the Holy City. He sat him on top of the Temple and said,"Since you are God's Son, jump." The Devil goaded him by quoting Psalm 91: "He has placed you in the care of angels. They will catch you so that you won't so much as stub your toe on a stone."

Jesus countered with another citation from Deuteronomy: "Don't you dare test the Lord your God."

For the third test, the Devil took him on the peak of a huge mountain. He gestured expansively, pointing out all the earth's kingdoms, how glorious they all were. Then he said, "They're yours--lock, stock, and barrel. Just go down on your knees and worship me, and they're yours."

Jesus' refusal was curt: "Beat it, Satan!" He backed his rebuke with a third quotation from Deuteronomy: "Worship the Lord your God, and only him. Serve him with absolute single-heartedness." The Test was over. The Devil left. And in his place, angels! Angels came and took care of Jesus' needs.

Matthew 4:1-11

Decisions

Either it is real and needs to be acknowledged and followed with a fervent passion or it is false and deserves a death worse then any on this physical plane.

What matters is bigger then me, bigger then any group or organization, things are not what they seem and appear to be growing.

Monday Morning

For better or for worse I am a believer in Christ. I do not mean that in a sense that I may or may not regret deciding to 'throw' my life away, I mean that in the sense that for better or for worse I am sticking with this commitment. Like any other marriage that goes through the high and low points my love has been battered, disappointed and hurt by my own misunderstandings and misconceptions...but I have always somehow found open arms of love at the end of the day.