I need to find a hole to climb into...

Nothing new...just more...pain.

Has all the internship stuff turned in! Woot!
*cue walking on sunshine and the happy dance*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1yUJx1zGeI

Foolish Inklings

Ministerial intent.

I have the internship stuff turned in...now it's just waiting to hear if I get accepted or not.

I'm slightly giddy.

I also haven't really slept in a while.

A good long while.

But any prayers would be accepted and desired because if this comes through it will be a life changing event...move across the country to Las Vegas and travel around the world life changing.

The word ministry is such a fickle word because so often is it divorced from any concept of actual reality. How can love be expressed in a set of steps and rules? How can love be love it is nothing more than a formula people regularly run through?

Real ministry involves being real, not hiding behind masks and actually coming clean that I am in fact a human...a human with the same tendency of failing, the same fears, the same needs as any other human.

That is scary. The idea of not being able to hide behind this shield...the false notion that it was okay to pretend everything was alright when it is not...that is contrary to the whole nature of the Gospel. Things are *not* okay...which is why we need a God that is so much bigger than our collective mistakes.

A personal, loving God obsessed with us...that thinks of us...cares about our every thought...our every second of every day...a God that is incomprehensible and yet personal in the same breath...

It is like any real relationship with love.

It is terrifying as much as it is exhilarating because it means risking everything...being willing to act a fool and look stupid. Being willing to give your life to something so much bigger then you could ever be on yourself.

I guess that is what this is...a love letter...a request for those as...crazy as me to pray and send any support they can spare.



""Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.""
-Matthew 5:14-16


"It seems to me that God has put us who bear his Message on stage in a theater in which no one wants to buy a ticket. We're something everyone stands around and stares at, like an accident in the street. We're the Messiah's misfits. You might be sure of yourselves, but we live in the midst of frailties and uncertainties. You might be well-thought-of by others, but we're mostly kicked around. Much of the time we don't have enough to eat, we wear patched and threadbare clothes, we get doors slammed in our faces, and we pick up odd jobs anywhere we can to eke out a living. When they call us names, we say, "God bless you." When they spread rumors about us, we put in a good word for them. We're treated like garbage, potato peelings from the culture's kitchen. And it's not getting any better."
1 Corinthians 4:9-13

Here goes another attempt at the internship...

The new look is gaudy...and I think that reflects the toys that religion has become.

Doves For Hire

Here...in this music...I almost feel like the wings will burst from my back and I will be able to fly...to escape from the thorns that have been pinning me to the ground. That I can leave this decaying, sickly body behind and sore into light.

That there is grace enough for me...love enough to wash away my failures...my evil and the pain I have caused others. That there is more then just a light at the end of this tunnel...but that there is love...endless love and hope just a touch away....

I'm ready for what can be...I'm ready to shed this cynical shell and leave this lethargic heart behind...I want to see what can be...how these defects can be turned around and made to shine and bring hope.

Are these just arrogant assumptive lies?
Or is the truth so possible?
So real?
So near by that I can almost touch?

I need to speak...but my lips are swollen from hypocrisy...could You cleanse them again? Not so I will judge or spread this rancor hate...but to show love...to myself so I can know what it means to love.

Loving love.

I'm going to go crazy if I'm not able to share this.

"No Line On The Horizon" - U2

U2 360 Tour Teaser

"Van diemen's Land" - U2

Water On the Soul

Oceans keep us apart,
waves rip your hand from mine
and fools dance about
singing their songs
being the unwanted jester
on an unwanted day.
These nails dig a route
hitting where they belong
touching where the pain festers
and I think just
just maybe,
I'm falling again.
Loosing step
being out of time with your heart
and in beat with the misstep
not knowing when
not knowing when this might end.
Knowing the distance
and the heart at the end of the line
just makes the day that much harder
knowing the more I long
the more I hunger
the more I pine
for these absolutes
for guidance and the sign
and how to sing this song
letting you know
this isn't a farce.

My words are false
a shade of pretentious hollow
matched only by Lucifer
but for once I see
I feel the shallow
the depth of my heart
the blinders
holding me as the cries
just echo
across fields
piercing dry eyes
and I yield
to the pressure.

Take me if You hear me,
hold me if You care.
Divinity is on Your side
and I'm at a slight disadvantage.
You see my despair
and the length of the chasm
where this all is.

"The Perfect Drug" - Nine Inch Nails

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0s5UOVsMDg

I got my head but my head is unraveling
cant keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
you're the only one that's understood

I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
the more I give to you the more I die

and I want you

you are the perfect drug
the perfect drug


you make me hard when i'm all soft inside
I see the truth when i'm all stupid-eyed
the arrow goes straight through my heart
without you everything just falls apart

my blood just wants to say hello to you
my fear is warm to get inside of you
my soul is so afraid to realize
how every little bit is left of me

and I want you

you are the perfect drug
the perfect drug

take me with you
without you everything just falls apart
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces

My faith feels cheaper by the day as I sell it by the dozen.

"The Beginning" - Showbread

I used to dream that I could fly
Just above the whispered clouds, beneath the somber sky
I had a dream I was alive
I dreamt that love would never die, goodbye
Dreams were cheap and hope was easy (so light)
The forgeries of life deceiving (so bright)
And as I glided to the ground (so long)
Calcified, the concrete weighed me down (cruel world)

Your wings are holding up the sky
Dear God, I had dreamt that I could fly

Alkaline the burning frost, has blistered deep beneath my bones
And winter spat its hatred, cold and coiled, black and deep
As it called me ever further, where evil burns and never sleeps
I once had prayers that found no words, fragile things I've never spoken
Through my lips passed eulogies for all the oaths that I have broken
And still the ghost of hope was haunting, through the dark to save the living
And still beneath it all I dreamt that God could be forgiving

Your wings are holding up the sky
Dear God, I dreamt that I could fly

When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride

I am the worst of all things here
My crooked, black, and lying heart still spits its bitter fear
And each and every sparrow
They flutter to the ground before they die
So please God don't forget me

''I have been with you all along, you have not noticed me.'
Nervosa now felt more ashamed than ever before.
'Why would you still care enough to save me
even after seeing the horrible things I have done?
Why do you remain here even now?' She asked, sobbing.
'Because, here is where you are,' the Lamb said softly,
'And I long to be with you.''

See from His head, His hands, His feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?
To Christ, who won for sinners' grace
By bitter grief and anguish sore
Be praise from all the ransomed race
Forever and forevermore

"God didn't send me out to collect a following for myself, but to preach the Message of what he has done, collecting a following for him. And he didn't send me to do it with a lot of fancy rhetoric of my own, lest the powerful action at the center—Christ on the Cross—be trivialized into mere words.

The Message that points to Christ on the Cross seems like sheer silliness to those hellbent on destruction, but for those on the way of salvation it makes perfect sense. This is the way God works, and most powerfully as it turns out. It's written,

I'll turn conventional wisdom on its head,
I'll expose so-called experts as crackpots.

So where can you find someone truly wise, truly educated, truly intelligent in this day and age? Hasn't God exposed it all as pretentious nonsense? Since the world in all its fancy wisdom never had a clue when it came to knowing God, God in his wisdom took delight in using what the world considered dumb—preaching, of all things!—to bring those who trust him into the way of salvation.

While Jews clamor for miraculous demonstrations and Greeks go in for philosophical wisdom, we go right on proclaiming Christ, the Crucified. Jews treat this like an anti-miracle—and Greeks pass it off as absurd. But to us who are personally called by God himself—both Jews and Greeks—Christ is God's ultimate miracle and wisdom all wrapped up in one. Human wisdom is so tinny, so impotent, next to the seeming absurdity of God. Human strength can't begin to compete with God's "weakness."

Take a good look, friends, at who you were when you got called into this life. I don't see many of "the brightest and the best" among you, not many influential, not many from high-society families. Isn't it obvious that God deliberately chose men and women that the culture overlooks and exploits and abuses, chose these "nobodies" to expose the hollow pretensions of the "somebodies"? That makes it quite clear that none of you can get by with blowing your own horn before God. Everything that we have—right thinking and right living, a clean slate and a fresh start—comes from God by way of Jesus Christ. That's why we have the saying, "If you're going to blow a horn, blow a trumpet for God.""
-1 Corinthians 1:17-31

You're welcome.

=)

Sublime Thoughts

Woke up feeling like death, the medication finishing the bleeding out process.

Every single thought brings me back...making me question my decisions: "Was I wrong?", "Was it right?", "How did it come to this?" and more then I can recall.

I want anger and rage to pilot me a course out.
Instead all I see is finger nails painted red, digging into my skin.
Poorly dressed metaphors too stoned to put their clothes on and instead try to hide in plain sight.

The only lie, the sweetest one, is the one I heard.
I think it was from me but I'm not sure.
Addictions...lines of lies, bottles of staunch falsified hope behind me and inside...maybe You.

This epic waste, this failure coated in time and sealed in plastic.
Keeping hope as a distant and proverbial type, the sort you wouldn't want to take home to mom.

Ready too late...or too soon depending on how your view of time...being literal or maybe just metaphysical constructs...derisive spittle...confusion laced tears.

I hate medication, much less medication which fades out leaving side effects and just pain. Promoting this aging, falling apart body that is about decay.

It's being revised as we speak...dealing with idiots is tiring but you should try living with myself.

Revised blueprints about how it's a failure is something else unknown and entirely unknown.

Preceding...a process...thoughts...unredeemed.
Forgiveness being a luxury I've lived without.
Just like...love.
Dripping dots, water spots.
Failing down.

"Hurricanes" - Five Iron Frenzy

Yo toda via espero un milagro,
Yo toda via te espero a ti.
The sunlight is fading,
the longest shadows have been cast.
Like songs from a siren,

hurricanes from the past.
And I am a failure,
defeated every time,
so let me lie here,
a sidewalk for a shrine.

I am so lonely,
they say you were lonely too.
Dear God be my savior,
I wait for you.

My broken spirit,
is trembling slow.
Park bench for a throne now,
my blanket is the snow.
And I'm being haunted,
by long forgotten dreams,
for hurricanes have,
the bluest eyes I've ever seen.

I am so lonely,
they say you were lonely too.
Dear God be my savior,
I wait for you.

I am pining for your mercy,
for this storm to break,
Lord you are my comfort,
the hope for which I wait.

I hate seeing this part of me...this self righteous...insecure bastard who hurts so many...all in the name of doing good...God...what can I do?

Lord, what the Hell am I doing?

*twitch*

It is much pass time for me to escape from this lie...this false reality...

Am I...here?

Crashing.

Crash.

Boom.

I'm...addicted to...addicted to...this and this and this...can live without you but can't live without you...I'm addicted...addicted to this...